"We don't need anything"-Opinions Wanted

antibride2013 · January 2015

Recently there has been a lot of questions in regards to gifts, or the saying that is used over and over, "we don't need anything". In my thinking if the couple doesn't need anything and says that, why are so many brides asking about and worried about showers and gifts?

I didn't need anything and didn't want anything. When it was asked about registry, we said we don't need anything. We also had it spread word of mouth that anything that was recieved would be donated to the Hope Lodge. It worked, not one gift recieved. When I attend a wedding and the couple says "we don't need anything", I in return do the same, respect the couples wishes and give a lovely card and no gift. I am now wondering more and more if it is honestly meant that they don't need anything or just a ploy to sound selfless and they actually want just cash.

So what do you all think?

lovegood90 · January 2015

Why does it matter if it's a "ploy" to get more cash gifts or not? "We don't need anything" is a perfectly polite response to gift inquiries; people don't need to know their motivation behind it. There's nothing wrong with wanting cash, as long as you don't outright state it anywhere.

antibride2013 · January 2015

Yes I agree that it is a polite response, but wouldn't it be better to say "we don't need anything, but are saving up for XYZ" like we always suggest? When I am told "we don't need anything" I take it as that, they don't need anything. So I respect that, and don't give anything. If I am told the latter, then I know they don't want boxed gifts. Does that make sense? I think i'm not wording it right.

I absolutely refuse to give cash. I am one of "those" people. I hate to give cash, and will not give cash. When I hear "saving for XYZ" I go from there and give possibly a savings bond, or a CD or investment. I Used to not shop on registry, but thanks to the ladies here on TK, I realized that registry was the way to go.

Maggie0829 · January 2015

When I am told "we don't need anything" I take it as they don't need anything that comes in a box from BB&B but rather prefer some green paper.

short+sassy · January 2015

I always take it to mean they don't want any extra stuff and possibly don't want their guests to give them cash either. If I'd been a guest at your wedding and had heard through the grapevine that anything received would be given to Hope Lodge, I would have still given a cash gift. As an aside, I also would not have cared if you all donated the money as planned or changed your minds and kept it for a nice dinner or whatever.

To me, cash is always a gift people can use and if a couple doesn't want/need the cash, they can always donate it to their favorite charity. Win-win.

lovegood90 · January 2015

antibride2013 said:

Yes I agree that it is a polite response, but wouldn't it be better to say "we don't need anything, but are saving up for XYZ" like we always suggest? When I am told "we don't need anything" I take it as that, they don't need anything. So I respect that, and don't give anything. If I am told the latter, then I know they don't want boxed gifts. Does that make sense? I think i'm not wording it right.

I absolutely refuse to give cash. I am one of "those" people. I hate to give cash, and will not give cash. When I hear "saving for XYZ" I go from there and give possibly a savings bond, or a CD or investment. I Used to not shop on registry, but thanks to the ladies here on TK, I realized that registry was the way to go.

Ohh, I see. Yeah, if people say "I don't need anything" and you don't want to give cash, I think you're fine just giving a card. Hey, they said they didn't want anything! If it's actually a "ploy" to get cash gifts and you don't want to indulge in it, that's totally fine IMO!

short+sassy · January 2015

lovegood90 said:

antibride2013 said:

Yes I agree that it is a polite response, but wouldn't it be better to say "we don't need anything, but are saving up for XYZ" like we always suggest? When I am told "we don't need anything" I take it as that, they don't need anything. So I respect that, and don't give anything. If I am told the latter, then I know they don't want boxed gifts. Does that make sense? I think i'm not wording it right.

I absolutely refuse to give cash. I am one of "those" people. I hate to give cash, and will not give cash. When I hear "saving for XYZ" I go from there and give possibly a savings bond, or a CD or investment. I Used to not shop on registry, but thanks to the ladies here on TK, I realized that registry was the way to go.

Ohh, I see. Yeah, if people say "I don't need anything" and you don't want to give cash, I think you're fine just giving a card. Hey, they said they didn't want anything! If it's actually a "ploy" to get cash gifts and you don't want to indulge in it, that's totally fine IMO!

Oh, sorry! I didn't point that out in my original response. While it is my choice to still give cash as a gift, I think giving only a nice card is perfectly fine if a couple has said they don't need anything.

Of course, of course...it is always fine for a guest to not give any gift, but I personally would not feel comfortable going to a wedding without a gift. Though wouldn't feel bad about it if the couple had passed it around they did not need anything.

antibride2013 · January 2015

lovegood90 said:

antibride2013 said:

Yes I agree that it is a polite response, but wouldn't it be better to say "we don't need anything, but are saving up for XYZ" like we always suggest? When I am told "we don't need anything" I take it as that, they don't need anything. So I respect that, and don't give anything. If I am told the latter, then I know they don't want boxed gifts. Does that make sense? I think i'm not wording it right.

I absolutely refuse to give cash. I am one of "those" people. I hate to give cash, and will not give cash. When I hear "saving for XYZ" I go from there and give possibly a savings bond, or a CD or investment. I Used to not shop on registry, but thanks to the ladies here on TK, I realized that registry was the way to go.

Ohh, I see. Yeah, if people say "I don't need anything" and you don't want to give cash, I think you're fine just giving a card. Hey, they said they didn't want anything! If it's actually a "ploy" to get cash gifts and you don't want to indulge in it, that's totally fine IMO!

I would prefer to be told if the couple REALLY means they really don't want anything, rather than saying "we don't want anything" and they REALLY do want cash. I guess I take that to literally. I have zero problem contributing to the "saving for XYZ". Who wouldn't want a CD or investment or savings bond? I am now worried I have looked like a complete ass for taking the "we don't need anything" literally and not giving a gift.

lovegood90 · January 2015

antibride2013 said:

lovegood90 said:

antibride2013 said:

Yes I agree that it is a polite response, but wouldn't it be better to say "we don't need anything, but are saving up for XYZ" like we always suggest? When I am told "we don't need anything" I take it as that, they don't need anything. So I respect that, and don't give anything. If I am told the latter, then I know they don't want boxed gifts. Does that make sense? I think i'm not wording it right.

I absolutely refuse to give cash. I am one of "those" people. I hate to give cash, and will not give cash. When I hear "saving for XYZ" I go from there and give possibly a savings bond, or a CD or investment. I Used to not shop on registry, but thanks to the ladies here on TK, I realized that registry was the way to go.

Ohh, I see. Yeah, if people say "I don't need anything" and you don't want to give cash, I think you're fine just giving a card. Hey, they said they didn't want anything! If it's actually a "ploy" to get cash gifts and you don't want to indulge in it, that's totally fine IMO!

I would prefer to be told if the couple REALLY means they really don't want anything, rather than saying "we don't want anything" and they REALLY do want cash. I guess I take that to literally. I have zero problem contributing to the "saving for XYZ". Who wouldn't want a CD or investment or savings bond? I am now worried I have looked like a complete ass for taking the "we don't need anything" literally and not giving a gift.

I think the issue is that if they really do mean they want cash, there are only certain things you can hint at without sounding like you're ASKING for cash. I know around here the "we're saving up for x" is appropriate, but if someone says "we don't want anything" and they actually want cash, I don't think you should feel bad that you didn't know.

tammym1001 · January 2015

I would never attend a celebration for someone and not give them a present. If they said they didn't need anything then I would give them cash. The one time that I believed someone when they said no presents I showed up to the party and there was a table full of presents and I felt like an ass so I'm not going to listen to that again.

thisismynickname2 · January 2015

I think it also depends on the happy couple. A couple in their 20's or 30's may not "need anything" but surely they can use cash for home repairs, student loans, whatever.

A coworker of mine in his 60's just got legally married to his partner of 30 years; they don't have kids. They are a couple that I would actually believe would truly not "need anything." They requested donations to a charity in lieu of gifts. That's the kind of statement I would actually technically listen to.

Even that being said, I'd be inclined pick a gift certificate to one's favorite restaurant or tickets to something upscale like the symphony or something, because I don't like to not give any gift either.

lovegood90 · January 2015

thisismynickname said:

I think it also depends on the happy couple. A couple in their 20's or 30's may not "need anything" but surely they can use cash for home repairs, student loans, whatever.

A coworker of mine in his 60's just got legally married to his partner of 30 years; they don't have kids. They are a couple that I would actually believe would truly not "need anything." They requested donations to a charity in lieu of gifts. That's the kind of statement I would actually technically listen to.

Even that being said, I'd be inclined pick a gift certificate to one's favorite restaurant or tickets to something upscale like the symphony or something, because I don't like to not give any gift either.

This actually reminds me of when my dad remarried- he and his wife are in their mid 50s and truly didn't want any gifts. They put "no gifts, please" on the invites (they didn't know it was a faux pas). They were mortified when they received a bunch of checks from guests and gave them back immediately, haha.

antibride2013 · January 2015

lovegood90 said:

thisismynickname said:

I think it also depends on the happy couple. A couple in their 20's or 30's may not "need anything" but surely they can use cash for home repairs, student loans, whatever.

A coworker of mine in his 60's just got legally married to his partner of 30 years; they don't have kids. They are a couple that I would actually believe would truly not "need anything." They requested donations to a charity in lieu of gifts. That's the kind of statement I would actually technically listen to.

Even that being said, I'd be inclined pick a gift certificate to one's favorite restaurant or tickets to something upscale like the symphony or something, because I don't like to not give any gift either.

This actually reminds me of when my dad remarried- he and his wife are in their mid 50s and truly didn't want any gifts. They put "no gifts, please" on the invites (they didn't know it was a faux pas). They were mortified when they received a bunch of checks from guests and gave them back immediately, haha.

SITB!!

This and what Tammy stated is exactly why I posed the question. I would just prefer people to say "we are saving for XYZ" instead of "we don't need anything" and not truly mean they don't want anything!

I guess for lurkers out there if you want to go the "we don't need anything" route, Either add "saving for XYZ" if you do in fact want gifts because I definately wouldn't give a gift becasue I was respecting your wishes by not giving you a gift.

lalapalooza2222 · January 2015

I personally think it is rude to ever show up anywhere that you are invited to empty handed. If You go to a dinner party you bring a hostess gift, backyard bbq you bring a food dish ect. So I would take we don't need anything as in anything for their house I would give cash. An empty card I would never do. That's just me personally. I don't think saying they don't need anything is a ploy for cash nor do I think it matters if it is if they want cash then give cash. It's better then the blender they prob will return or never use.

STARMOON44 · January 2015

I don't give wedding gifts to anyone because they need them. I give because I want to share generosity in celebration if something I find important.

I don't understand why, knowing now full well that this is a social catchphrase not intended to be interpreted literally, you would continue to stick to the letter of what they are saying. And actually no I don't want some random investment or CD- that's just administrative hassle for me. If I'm saving for something I can do without your apparent judgment of my money handling skills. If you really don't want to write a check, then by all means select a nice, easily returnable thing and ship it ahead of time.

If a couple truly desires to acquire no possessions or money, they can always take your gift and make a charitable donation.

beachyone15 · January 2015

STARMOON44 said:

I don't give wedding gifts to anyone because they need them. I give because I want to share generosity in celebration if something I find important. I don't understand why, knowing now full well that this is a social catchphrase not intended to be interpreted literally, you would continue to stick to the letter of what they are saying. And actually no I don't want some random investment or CD- that's just administrative hassle for me. If I'm saving for something I can do without your apparent judgment of my money handling skills. If you really don't want to write a check, then by all means select a nice, easily returnable thing and ship it ahead of time. If a couple truly desires to acquire no possessions or money, they can always take your gift and make a charitable donation.

Ditto. I'd rather have cash to use now or later.

antibride2013 · January 2015

I do take it literally becasue when I said "we don't want anything" I meant we don't want anything! I wanted to thank my nearest and dearest for spending their time with my H and I. I would have felt bad if no one respected my wishes and gave us gifts. So yes I take that statement literally because I want to respect other peoples wishes as well.

As for a administrative hassle for a investment or CD, that is unfortunate way of thinking in my opinion. And I think it is very horrible and classless to suggest to someone who has admitted that they refuse to give money as a gift to tell them to buy a random something and ship it so the couple can return it for money. People who do that intentionally to get cash deserve nothing to begin with.

TwilightSparkler · January 2015

Are you saying it's horrible and classless of STARMOON44 to suggest you amend your gift-giving practices? Because that seems like a bit of an overreaction. Or are you saying it would be horrible and classless of a bride to actually say all that to a guest? Because, obviously, no bride should ever say anything remotely of the sort.

I agree with her point. If you know that someone is saving up to buy a new couch, for instance, why in the world would you insist on giving them an investment instrument that they would have to go through the hassle of liquidating in order to actually use it to help purchase the couch?

Even if your intention is that they hold onto the $$ for longer term investment, many people have some very strong opinions on the way that they'd prefer to invest (tax deferred plans, specific asset mixes, specific investment institutions, etc). For those people, it would *still* be a hassle to rearrange.

I guess I don't really understand that benefit of giving a specific investment instrument instead of cash. It seems to have no upside for anyone, and a lot of downsides for the receiver, but perhaps you can clear up if I'm missing something.

antibride2013 · January 2015

I was saying it was horrible and classless to suggest that I send a random gift that the couple has no intention of using so they can return the gift for cash.

If I am told "we don't want anything" I don't give a gift. I respect the couples wishes. Only once I have been told the saving line, and it was a family member so I did get that family member a savings bond. If they have a registry I get a gift off the registry.

And I guess my upside thinking is that a investment, short term CD etc. is a very sensible and responsible item to keep for the "rainy day" situations. Guess I am a minority there. Oh well.

STARMOON44 · January 2015

A) it sounds like you actually don't care what anyone thinks

that last statement? About being sensible and responsible and I guess I'm in the minority there? That's exactly the self-righteous judgy message you're conveying to people when you give them a gift of cash, but cash with strings and complications because it's important to you to be superior

C) I wasn't suggesting you send a random gift you know they won't use! I said select something nice. And include a gift receipt so that if it turns out it doesn't fit into their lifestyle, they can return it.

Fairyjen1 · January 2015

If someone isn't registered and tells me 'we don't need anything' I take them at face value. In my family if it really means 'we only want cash' I usually hear about it and give them a check.

I don't feel right not giving anything at a wedding, so if I know the couple really doesn't need anything, cash or stuff, I usually find out where they like to eat and get a gift card. Who doesn't like a free dinner!

SP29 · January 2015

If a couple said, "we don't need anything" I'd probably still give them cash, because I wouldn't go to a wedding without a gift. But, if a couple says they don't need anything I don't think someone else should feel bad for not giving, nor the couple get upset because they didn't get something.

Everyone can use cash, but I understand some are uncomfortable giving it. A friend of mine is like this- mutual friends got married and preferred cash, but my friend bought a small gift anyway. It is never rude to give a gift, so if that's what you are comfortable with, then go for it. Just like any other present (no one I know has a birthday gift registry), if the receiver doesn't like it/ need it/ won't use it, they can return it or donate it.

I think either having a small (or no) gift registry or saying "we are saving for XYZ" would better imply what the couple desires.

WinstonsGirl · January 2015

We said we didn't want gifts if asked, and we actually didn't. We had a DW and didn't want people flying to Hawaii and buying us gifts. A few people pushed, so we finally did a very small registry (towels and wine glasses I think) for those who said they don't go to weddings without gifts, my Granny, etc. We also received cash, quite a bit from DH's family as they couldn't fly up from Chile to attend (not his immediate family, but Aunts/Uncles). Most of our friends didn't get us anything and we were totally cool with that. Honestly, most of the people who got us gifts/cash were older relatives and friends of our parents. Most of the younger generation respected the no gifts please that we spread around. If I was wanting cash instead of gifts, we would have said we were saving up for our landscaping instead.

tammym1001 · January 2015

Fairyjen1 said:

If someone isn't registered and tells me 'we don't need anything' I take them at face value. In my family if it really means 'we only want cash' I usually hear about it and give them a check.

I don't feel right not giving anything at a wedding, so if I know the couple really doesn't need anything, cash or stuff, I usually find out where they like to eat and get a gift card. Who doesn't like a free dinner!

This is actually something that DH's kids do for us. We always tell them not to buy us anything for holidays or birthdays and we truly mean it because it's completely unnecessary for them to spend their money on us, but they always buy us a gift card to our favorite restaurant. Then we take them out to dinner there to spend it so I guess they kind of end up getting it back.

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