Money V. Gifts at a Destination wedding
Hey Knotties!
I have a question, and normally, my motto is "if you have to ask, then you already know the answer". But I have something to consider:
My man and I are having our wedding in Sacramento (his entire family lives there). Out of the 80 people we are inviting to the wedding, 67 are from his side living in the Sacramento area. We are currently living in Hawaii, but moving to DC at the end of February. We have been living together for awhile and have a well established home. I know that I can set up a registry, but problematically, if we set up a registry and people bring stuff to our wedding, we will be paying money that we don't really have to ship it all back to our place in DC. Over Christmas, we paid about $250 to send gifts back to Hawaii.
Don't get me wrong, I would be grateful to receive anything. However, we are on the tightest budget and I'm worried that we will end up leaving gifts in Sacramento because we can't spend money to get them back home.
What should I expect? I hear that people typically bring money anyway along with a gift, but I don't want to ask people for money. Is it best to express that we do not want gifts on the invitations or save the date cards? Thank you all!
Re: Money V. Gifts at a Destination wedding
Formerly martha1818
No, it is not appropriate to express you do not want gifts on the invitations or save the dates. That implies you are expecting/anticipating gifts, which nobody is required to give you.
Just don't register and if anyone asks tell them you haven't registered. They'll get the hint and most will bring money. If someone does bring a gift (because someone people like to do that) you'll have to ship it or, hopefully if they've included a receipt, you can return it to the store after the wedding and repurchase it at a store closer to you when you get back home.
But still, having to ship a gift will likely still cost less than it would have to buy the item completely yourself. So you're still coming out ahead regardless.
So the best solution is not to register. People will ask about what you want or where you're registered. Just say, "oh, we aren't registered anywhere. We are saving up for a new car/a trip/XYZ." What you shouldn't say is "please give us money because we don't want to pay to ship your gift back to DC."
Also have the RSVP address be your DC address.
Some people still send gifts or bring them to the parents home local to the wedding, a holdover from brides' families hosting and sending gifts to her family home.
For the rest, you will need to spend some gift cash to ship other gifts. Or his parents will magnanimously offer to ship them.
Fine. Don't register. If they press, explain your travels.
Thank you all for the thoughts! I appreciate all of them!
I figured that not providing a registry would be best. I've seen on some people's invitations they put "no gifts, please" and the way it comes across is, like others have said, "poor form."
I agree, but there is no nice way to say that we don't really need anything. And I'm sure there is stuff we could use, but we recently merged our two homes, and are in the middle of big move. But thankfully, military PCS will probably break everything, anyway. So a shower might not be a bad idea.
I wasn't planning on having a bridal shower, because as of right now, I have no friends in DC, and I don't want anyone to have to fly out as its a burden, and we won't have enough time to do it in Sacramento. I think the best way is to maybe register at Amazon (can you do that??) and leave the shipping address as the address from DC. I'm so grateful for any gift I receive, so hopefully shipping won't be too much. Extra suitcase is a great idea. Thank you friends!!!
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In much of rural New England this is true too. Showers are smaller, 2 or 3 small showers totaling 50 people may not turn up even 10 registry gifts , all others being chosen by guests.
Wedding gifts more often come from a registry, but physical gifts not money or gift cards are much more common ( except for money from some older relatives.)
Formerly martha1818
Formerly martha1818
I don't think there is anything snotty about not registering. I don't demand that people brings me gifts, and frankly, I don't want people to feel obligated to bring something. I want them to just bring themselves and have a good time. I wasn't going to have a bridal shower-- apart from not wanting gifts, we live too far away and to have to travel to and from places, or ask people to come out is a burden on everyone. My only two friends that are going are living in Washington and Louisiana. I only have about 10 people from my circle of family that I can invite, and most of those are plus ones. A shower would just be silly.
Even if I said "we aren't registered because we are saving up for XYZ" I would have a difficult time coming up with an XYZ, and it just makes me feel like people read way into bringing gifts to a wedding. It makes sense, that traditionally, you get married and then move in together, essentially combining both households. If we got married 8 years ago, getting kitchen appliances would have been great. But as it stands right now, I have 37 forks. That's not a hyperbole. When we moved in together, we had so much extra stuff that it went to goodwill. I just don't see the need to even insist that my guests bring gifts because its not a focus for me. I just want them to have a good time.
All good! Typing in flurries and I swear, I was proposed to like, eight minutes ago and my dad is already fighting with me about walking me down the aisle, what my sisters involvement is, how its going to be too hot... kill me now.
So, the moving thing might be misleading. We are moving at the end of February, and we are buying a house. We already live in a house that has been completely outfitted. Both of us came from a perspective that if we want something, we will go buy it. As such, we already have everything we could possibly need, and I wouldn't want people buying us stuff that we already have because it would be wasting their money. The only thing we are saving up money for is the wedding and subsequent honeymoon, set to take place Summer 2016, honeymoon to follow when it's cheaper to fly to Paris. But essentially, we have what we need/use. My dad was asking me about what we would even put on a registry, and the only thing I could come up with is a stand-up mixer.
I feel like no matter what I say, it will be misconstrued. We aren't rich by any means, but we have always budgeted well, and we live inside our means. But those means include our ability to buy all of our kitchen appliances and all of the other stuff that seems to be given as gifts at wedding.
Historically, wasn't the purpose of giving gifts at a wedding because the bride and groom are essentially starting a new life together and (again, historically) moving in together and starting a brand new home? We already started that home, merged our lives, and a wedding shower/gift registry doesn't seem compatible to our situation. I feel like I should just forego the whole idea of setting up a registry. But if we don't have a registry then everyone will ask and I don't know what to tell them!! The worst catch 22. And I sound stupid and snobby even posing the question because its a stupid and snobby question in the first place.
I have no idea how to do this modestly.