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WWYD-Re: Canceling Wedding

I was the MOH in my sister's wedding, and we just found out that her fiance has been cheating on her.  She's kicked him out, and she (they?) are canceling the wedding.  They had a destination wedding planned in Mexico for August of this year.  There was an engagement BBQ earlier this year, and the STD's were sent a few months ago.

I have a couple of questions as I'm trying to help her deal with this.  She's in shock, and I've been trying to help her facilitate him getting his things, separating their stuff, etc.  She's heartbroken and very very upset, so I've stepped in to deal with canceling her wedding.  I have two questions that I'm unsure of.

First, they received several small gifts for the engagement party.  She sent thank you notes for everything, but most of them were bottles of champagne or wine that they drank after with friends to celebrate their engagement.  I think there might have been a few wine glasses, but I don't know who gave them as a gift.  Do we need to figure that out and try to return them or replace the bottles of booze?  They've already been used or drank, but I know you're supposed to return gifts if a wedding doesn't take place.

Second, I need to contact everyone to let them know that the wedding won't take place.  Would it be better to call or send cards?  Is there proper etiquette for doing one or the other?  He told me that he would contact his family and let them know, but I don't know if I trust him right now based on some of the things he's done or said after this happened.  The travel agent knows not to take any more bookings and the forms are being signed and sent, but I want to make sure each person knows.  I think he's afraid that she or I would tell his family why it's not happening, but I would never do that.  I was planning to call or send cards that simply said the wedding has been canceled or won't take place.

What would you do?
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Re: WWYD-Re: Canceling Wedding

  • Send a brief letter to everyone who received a STD saying "the wedding of Jane and John has been canceled." That keeps you from having to engage in conversation with every nosy busybody over the phone who wants to know details.

    IDK about the gifts... I'm leaning toward not replacing the consumables but trying to pay the giver back for the glasses. But I don't know what the official rule is on that. If I gave a bottle of wine and the couple broke up I would not expect to get it back.

    I'm sorry your sister is dealing with this.

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  • Ditto lolo I would lean toward notes so you can avoid the questions.

    My (personal, maybe not etiquette approved) views on the gifts: They were engagement gifts, not wedding gifts.  The couple was engaged.  I feel like it would be super weird to give someone a replacement bottle of wine.  (To be clear I would return the physical gifts if it were me, but as the giver, I would feel weird getting it back.)




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  • Generally the rule with wedding gifts is that they should not be used before the wedding, and if the wedding is called off then the gifts should be returned. But it sounds like the gifts you're asking about weren't necessarily wedding gifts. Obviously the wine or champagne was intended to be consumed before the wedding, so don't worry about it. I'm not sure about the wine glasses.
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  • Ditto lolo I would lean toward notes so you can avoid the questions.

    My (personal, maybe not etiquette approved) views on the gifts: They were engagement gifts, not wedding gifts.  The couple was engaged.  I feel like it would be super weird to give someone a replacement bottle of wine.  (To be clear I would return the physical gifts if it were me, but as the giver, I would feel weird getting it back.)
    I agree with this, and with just sending a brief note.

    I doubt anyone expects to get a bottle of wine back, or even a replacement bottle. If I gave someone cookies and then those people broke up, I wouldn't be like "ok where's my replacement cookies" ya know? I'm sorry your sister has to go through this :(
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  • A good opportunity to point out that engagement parties are not/shouldn't be gift giving occasions, apart from normal host/hostess gifts. 
    So that's what the wine and glasses are. 
    The guests were hosted, there is no reason to return anything.

    The wedding cancellation should be written, and sent by the same persons who were designated hosts on the invitations. Unless it's a time factor, like three days before the wedding, and then phone calls should be made. So either:

    Mr. and Mrs. Royally Pissed
    announce that the marriage of
    their daughter
    (Sister's name, too sad to be funny here)
    to
    Total Asshead
    will not take place.
    Or, directly from the couple. In which case it would be that Miss Unjustly Betrayed and Mr. Total Asshead  announce that their wedding will not take place.Something along either of those lines. Short, to the point. No explanation needed. I'm so sorry your sister was hurt. 
    I knew there was a better answer! Good stuff.

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  • I'm on team the No Return for the gifts. Even if they broke up the day after an engagement party, I would never expect a bottle of wine back from an engagement party. 

    I would send a note, but I'd also mention it a few family gossips to spread the word, since some people may not check their mail often/their mail is unreliable. It's going to spread naturally anyway. If my Nana knows, she's going to mention it to her kids, who she talks to nearly every day. Then they'll mention it to their kids, etc. 

    And I'm very sorry for your sister, that really sucks. 
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  • ohannabelle I would honestly fucking love to send those cards because that shithead deserves it, but I'm trying to keep my sister's (and my parents to be honest) spirits up.  She's had a tough time in the last few years with a few friends who passed away and dealing with some of her own issues.  It finally looked like she was getting back on her feet mentally and emotionally, and this douchebag just destroyed her.  First thing he asked for was the engagement ring.  I couldn't bear to think about having to ask her about gifts.  I just want her to be okay.

    The friends and family that do know have spread the word, so I'm sure people will find out what he did.  Still blows my mind that people just can't be upfront and honest about how they feel.
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  • Seconding Annabelle. Send cards. Make you (and maybe your sister) one that reads exactly what she put, and then mail ones that say their names. Possibly burn the honest ones in a bonfire.

    Use those glasses; someone who gave wine glasses would probably be devastated to know they were not used in a situation like this.

    Give your sister a hug. 

    Have your trusty St. Bernard bite that guy in the wiener.
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    (There are no gifs of that scene from Beethoven's 2nd where this occurs. So I found a picture of Beethoven.)
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  • My ex was supposed to be in a wedding in which the bride and groom broke up.  They sent out a really short note (actually, a group email...) saying something to the effect of "We regret to inform you that X and Y are no longer engaged to be married.  Thank you for your support."  

    Big hugs to your sister!  That's terrible.
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  • Depending on the state, since he was the one that caused the wedding to be cancelled, she should get to keep the ring (so she can sell it or whatever). Also if he proposed on a gift giving holiday (so the ring was a gift and a promise) it's hers. I'd advise your sister not to give him a damn thing before she speaks with a lawyer.
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  • He proposed on Christmas Eve.  I've read the laws in our state and I think she has a opportunity to keep it, but I think if she does, he'll make things that much worse.  Sad, but true.
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  • What a total piece of shit to immediately ask for the ring back. Again, I'm sorry your sister has to go through this, but it actually sounds like she dodged a bullet.
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  • edited June 2015
  • What a fuckface. Sorry, sister. :( All the hugs.

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  • What a total piece of shit to immediately ask for the ring back. Again, I'm sorry your sister has to go through this, but it actually sounds like she dodged a bullet.
    My sentiments exactly.  Who does that?  I've looked up some information about etiquette versus law, but either way, he's a jerk.  I thought he was more of a decent person, but I guess I was wrong.  
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