Moh issues; what to do

Re: Moh issues; what to do

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  slothiegal member

  

  January 2015 edited January 2015

  Knottie58523370 said:

  So here's the run down. Recently my fiancé and I have had a few issues but things are good now. Of course I shared things with my bestie/maid of honor. I have always been able to talk to her. Well tonight she pulled me aside and told me she doesn't like my fiancé.
  
  She litterally helped with the proposal; how could she not approve?
  
  She told me tonight that she doesn't think she can support our marriage and being my Moh anymore. What do I do?
  
  Is it all over reactions???!! I have a year until the wedding and I have already sent out information to the entire bridal party about her and the wedding. How do I change that??
  
  Not only that but how can my best friend not want to be there as my Moh? She was ok with it ever since the proposal.
  
  I do feel like she makes the wedding about her bc her bf hasn't proposed yet and she desire it so much. But I doubt that's why she told me this tonight. She was drinking tonight.... But they say a drunk mans words are a sober mans thoughts...
  
  Should I wait it out for a few months and see if she changes her mind? Should I take her out of the entire bridal party? Should I call each bridal member and explain the change?
  
  It crushed my heart to hear my best friend tell me that. Has anyone been here??? Thoughts.... Comments.... Suggestions...... Sorry Iam slightly freaking out.

  Deep breath. Put the wedding on the backburner for a moment. You need to sit down with your friend and talk this shit out, because it's not just a "wedding" or "MOH" issue, this is a friend and possibly relationship issue.
  
  I suggest having a glass of wine and calming down (not a judgment; i would be aghast as well if my best friend said that to me). Grab lunch or something with your friend to (soberly) talk about her concerns/what she meant, but only after your emotions are in check--it won't do any good to go into it guns ablazin'. For all you know, she might not have been OK with this all along, but tonight liquid courage got the best of her.
  
  Plenty of time before the wedding. Put it aside for now and address this issue.
  
  
  ETA mobile is hard

  

  
  

  
  

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  artbyallie mod

  

  January 2015

  What reasons did she give? It's one thing if she's just hearing all the negatives and none of the positives, in which case you should either not vent so much about him to her or actually tell her about the good things he does too. But IMO if my best friend expressed concerns about my relationship I'd want to hear why and assess whether they were valid or not.

  

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  novella1186 member

  

  January 2015

  I agree with PPs. Sit down with friend when you're both sober and calm and hear her out. To me it seems like she has genuine concerns and they must be based on SOMETHING, even if it's something she has the wrong impression about. Let her speak her mind and then you two can try to talk it out. 

  
  

  If things then get resolved, just tell her honestly how much it means to you for her to be your MOH and that you would love to have her in your wedding. But for now, put the wedding aside. You have plenty of time. What needs to happen first is figuring out the friend issue. 

  
  

  And in the long run, no matter how this goes, please do not "remove her" or kick her out or ask her to step down from the bridal party. That would be incredibly hurtful to her. If she doesn't want to be in the bridal party, she will let you know and she will remove herself. You don't need to call and explain to each of the other bridal party members because it's none of their business and will just spread drama, which may make your MOH then feel like everyone's gossiping behind her back. And even if she still wanted to somehow be involved in the wedding (even if that means just showing up as a guest) it could become very uncomfortable for her. Whether or not she's standing next to you doesn't involve or effect the other BMs in any crucial way, so leave them out of it and keep this between you and your MOH. 

  
  

  

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  mikenberger member

  

  January 2015

  You have a FRIEND issue. Not a MOH issue. You need to chat with her like you weren't getting married. Find out where she's coming from before you make any decisions about your friendship or her being in your wedding. I wouldn't recommend talking to the other bridesmaids about this issue because, as I stated, you do not have a MOH issue; you have a friend issue. 

  
  

  Talk to her first when clearer heads have prevailed. Same goes for you. You're incredibly emotional now, probably reeling from what she said, and could use some time to process as well.

  
  

  
  

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  southernbelle0915 mod

  

  January 2015

  It sounds like you've given her the inside scoop on some shit that went down between you and your FI and she's no longer supportive like she was when she helped with the proposal. Is he verbally/physically abusive? Is he loyal to you?

  
  

  So because she's expressing this concern and lack of support for your FI and your relationship, you have drawn the conclusion that she's jealous? Are y'all in 8th grade? 

  
  

  She can do whatever she wants. If she doesn't support your relationship for whatever reason, that's her choice. If she drops out of the wedding, there's no need for some dramatic announcement. This doesn't affect anyone else in the WP. Like not even a little bit. Don't make drama where there isn't any.

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  climbingsingle member

  

  January 2015

  What exactly are your friend's concerns? Do you they have any validity? I think you should sit down when you're both sober and have another conversation. 

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  OliveOilsMom member

  

  January 2015

  Imagine you have a friend, who recently has a new guy in her life.  But all you hear from this friend are the arguments and negative things this guy says and does to your friend.  Before you even meet him, what would be your thoughts on this guy?  You probably wouldn't like him.

  Now, put that same scenario to your and your FI's life, with your friend being the one who hears about the negative stuff and arguments.  Even though she has met your FI, in her mind, the negative outweighs the positive.

  

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  flantastic member

  

  January 2015

  I have a very good friend whom I think should not be getting married to the woman he's engaged to. That may well be because I only heard the bad stuff in their relationship from his perspective, but I heard it frequently enough to be concerned. I explained why once to him, with those caveats, and he said he'd have to consider. That's all I can ask. We're still friends, and I plan to trust him to know himself or make his own mistakes and I will be at the wedding.

  Either your friend is the type to overreact, or she's got to have some serious concerns in order to say she can't support you. You really should talk to her calmly to find out if she has some serious concerns, and why. Listen. Then you can thank her for caring so much about you, and ask her to trust you to make your own decisions.

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  Viczaesar member

  

  January 2015

  I agree with Slothie - this is a friend issue, not a wedding issue.  Sit down with her and talk about it.  I'll also say that this kind of thing sometimes happens after we (general we) share negative information about our SOs with close friends and family.  By doing so we can affect how they see the SO and our relationship, and after we've worked through the issue they still feel affronted or worried on our behalf.  It's easier to forgive something that happens to us, for example, than it is to forgive something that happens to our loved ones.  So maybe keep this in mind when you vent to your friends and family in the future about your SO - not that you shouldn't share, necessarily, but that you should keep in mind how much you share and how you portray your SO and your relationship to someone outside of it.
  
  ETA: I was reading this thread today and wondering where my post went, and then I scrolled to the bottom and found out that I hadn't actually posted it somehow.  So this is what I wrote yesterday, right after Slothie's post.
  

  
  
  
  

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  PrettyGirlLost member

  

  January 2015

  This is pretty much why you shouldn't really air your dirty laundry as a couple to other people.  Sure, we all vent about our SOs but this is the direct consequence of doing that.
  
  How severe were these issues with your FI that you spilled to your friend?  If there was abuse, cheating, etc involved that she previously didn't know about during the proposal, I can see why she may not feel right in standing up as your MOH now.
  

  
  "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
  
  

  
  

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