Is it okay to ask a guest to be our photographer?

Knottie56612621 · January 2015

Hi there,

I have a bit of a tricky situation. We are getting married next year in Mexico. My fiance has always said that when we get married, he wants his cousin (they're very close, like brothers) to be our photographer (I should also note, we are not having a wedding party, so he would just be a guest) I love the idea of this because he is very talented and knows our personality and style. He does not work as a professional photographer, he now works in the film industry and photography is more of a hobby now.

My question is, what is the etiquette for a situation like this? I know that people usually fly their photographer down and pay their accommodations, but he will already be there. I know that he would be happy to do it for us (and will be snapping away the entire trip anyway). We don't really have room in our budget for an additional fare and I doubt he would accept any form of payment. My fiance says that is can be his gift to us but since it is a destination wedding, and we aren't asking for gifts, why should he be the only one "gifting" us something?

I am just not sure how to handle this situation. I am in the arts so I know how much time photographers put into these kinds of things, The job is not done once the pictures are taken, there is sorting and editing which takes forever! I'm not so sure my fiance realizes how much we would be asking of him. What should we do?

apromise22 · January 2015

He will already be there because he's planning on being your guest--he won't just happen to be in the area. Wedding photographers don't really get a moment's rest, so you'd be asking a lot of him--and you wouldn't really be able to consider him a "guest."

You might be able to ask him to shoot some quick portraits before or after the ceremony, but I definitely wouldn't ask him to take reception pictures.

syoun1nj · January 2015

Don't a lot of the resorts (assuming you are getting married at one as most in Mexico are) include a pro in the wedding package? That was my understanding but I could be wrong.

I would want my guest to enjoy the party and not work at it. If he takes pics himself that's up to him, but he might want to dance, or have drinks, and party with you. I wouldn't do it. I'm sure he'll share his pics with you no matter what!

PrettyGirlLost · January 2015

Honestly, I'd ask the cousin to treat you as if you were just another client and have him give you a cost proposal and a contract to review and sign. And then if I were you I would pay him as I would if he was just a photographer and not your cousin.

There have been far too many threads across these boards about people asking friends or family members to provide free photography services and the issues that then ensued.

lovegood90 · January 2015

If you invited him as a regular guest then I think it's pretty unfair to make him work for free for you guys like that. If you weren't planning on inviting him anyway and wanted to pay for his services, that's another story.

In terms of it being his "gift" to you- gifts shouldn't be asked for or expected. If he wants to do this as a gift to you, he needs to bring it up first and offer it.

The only thing I'd personally be comfortable doing is saying something like "Cousin, we're looking for a photographer for our wedding, could you recommend someone?" And THEN if he volunteers/offers to do it himself, you should draw up a contract and pay him like any other vendor.

kmmssg · January 2015

I am voting this a bad idea. You are inviting him as your GUEST. You do NOT get to choose what, if any, gift he gives you. Invite him and spring for a potographer. I would be pretty ticked if someone expected me to fly down to Mexico on my dime and be their free photographer. Please don't do this.

novella1186 · January 2015

I personally think it's rude to ask guests to work at your wedding. You wouldn't (or shouldn't) ask them to cook the food, serve the food, set up tables and chairs, etc. So why would you ask them to be a photographer? He'd be on his feet all day working and wouldn't really have a chance to relax and enjoy himself, which doesn't really seem fair to him. Especially since he's paying his own way to get there.

Hire a photographer who's not a guest. Then if the cousin takes his own photos for fun, you'll get a few bonus photos, but he'll still get to have a good time without the pressure of being a hired vendor.

teddygirl9 · January 2015

I think if you want him as your photographer, you need to at least pay him, even if you don't want ot fly him out. I agree with the PP who mentioned getting a contract.

It sounds like you want to have your cake and eat it too...Free photographer, but don't want to fly him out. I don't think it's fair that you would make him pay his own way, and THEN be your photographer.

Or, just hire a local photographer.

PS: yay! Alberta

MandyMost · January 2015

Since your fiance is really close to this guy, and apparently loves his photos, I think it's fine to ask VERY politely if he'd be willing to bring his camera to Mexico and take a few portraits before/after the ceremony for you. But I would be VERY clear in the asking that you are also paying a different photographer to do all the typical photos, so there would be no stress on him and his photos would just be a nice extra.

Honestly, I find asking someone to be your photographer way worse than asking people to set up or bring food. The photos are the ONLY thing you have after the wedding is over. It's a lot of pressure on someone. And what if you don't like them, or you don't think you got enough, or some key things were missed? It's best to leave that to the professional you're paying, and then just have some nice extras from him if he's willing to do the favor.

blabla89 · January 2015

We often caution against using friends or family for your wedding vendors ("friendors") because of the sticky situations it can create. Say you're disappointed with the pictures, or it takes forever for the photog to send them, etc...if the photog is a family member it's that much more awkward to have to complain about these things, or demand your pictures from them.

ShesSoCold · January 2015

If were a photographer or makeup artist or something like that and if had close friends/family members getting married, I'd offer my services if I wanted to do it. If they're that close, I'd think he would mention it if he wanted to work your wedding.

I think that unless he brings it up, I'd leave it alone and hire someone else.

aurianna · January 2015

I have to agree with everyone else. This puts a lot of pressure on the cousin... Not just to miss the fun parts of the wedding but also to come to the wedding at all.
There aren't many people I would pay for a trip to Mexico in order to be at their wedding. Maybe under normal circumstances he wouldn't normally come but would feel pressured to if you asked him about pictures. Or if he says yes but something comes up and he has to cancel on coming, he'd feel so awful because he was letting you down on the pictures. I think you run a risk of making this guy feel really uncomfortable. I wouldn't do it.

Once he confirms that he's coming, your FI could probably say "If you bring your camera to the wedding we'd love to see any pictures you might take!"
But unless he himself offers to be your photographer, I'd leave it at that.

Hire someone professional and get a contract. It will alleviate pressure on both him AND you & your FI.

Also, it's good you aren't asking for gifts. Gifts should never be asked for as they are never required for a wedding, even one at home. Hopefully you are saying nothing about gifts in the invites (even "no gifts please" shouldn't be in there). Just don't say anything about gifts and if someone asks you directly feel free to say "we honestly aren't looking for any gifts; the pleasure of your company is more than enough."

Good luck!

flutteringinfl · January 2015

Keep in mind that photographers do not really get to be guests, even if they are invited as guests. For each of my parents' weddings (not to each other) they both had friends do their photography. At my dad's wedding, they hired a friend of his wife who is a professional wedding photographer. They figured, best of both worlds: she's a wedding photographer AND a friend. But they basically got zero pictures from their wedding because once she found a guy she thought was cute, she spent the evening flirting with him instead of taking pictures.

My mom had a friend who isn't a professional photographer do her wedding, and while she got the pictures, they weren't really that good and she was disappointed.

I would spend the money and hire a professional photographer who you don't know, even if it's just for a couple hours. I would definitely not advise asking the cousin to do it. Not only is there a good chance you'll be disappointed in what you get, it takes away his opportunity to actually be a guest at the wedding. If he was hired to photograph a stranger's wedding, it would be a different story, but at his cousin's wedding he will probably want to enjoy himself and not focus on working.

lovesclimbing · January 2015

I have no problem with using a family member/guest as a photographer. We did. I used a cousin of mine. She is a photographer, but had only just done her first wedding when she did mine.

However, you really need to plan to pay and not ask or hint in any way that it should be a gift.

I asked my cousin to be the photographer and said of course we'd pay you an you don't have to if you don't want, and we actually paid her more than she asked. She was just at the point of turning her hobby as a photographer into a business and had a super low price (partially due to being family), but my parents (who paid for her) insisted on paying more because it's such a lot of work to do weddings and wanted it to be worth it for her.

She has since branched out into making weddings a good portion of her business, along with family portraits, and I know (based on things she's said) that family (other family members also have hired her) asking her to do it and getting that experience was really good for her business.

Jen4948 · January 2015

I wouldn't ask a guest to work the wedding, especially not for free.

Since you get what you pay for, you get stuck if his/her work is unsatisfactory. And as a guest, there's every chance that s/he will either be distracted and not do a good job, or not be able to actually enjoy him/herself because s/he's too busy working-and photography requires the person doing it to stay focused on the details without relaxing while you're working.

Get a professional to do your photography - with a signed contract and a paid fee, and let your friend just be a guest.

slothiegal · January 2015

Eesh, yeah, I'd be very wary of having family member as a photographer. Besides the horror stories we always hear, I just can't imagine asking my guest to take on such a HUGE responsibility. I really question how much they could enjoy the day if they were working.

Trust me, if your FI's cousin is really into photography, he'll be taking plenty of his own pics anyways. About ten years ago, I was working as a paid photographer. At my uncles' wedding, I took a few hundred pics for them, just because it was something I enjoyed doing--but didn't feel any hesitation or guilt about putting down my camera for drinking/dancing/mingling/just enjoying the celebration. If I knew they were solely counting on me for pics, I would be much more on edge and feel like I would have to capture EVERYTHING.

I strongly encourage you to hire a photographer and then enjoy whatever pics FI's cousin takes on his own.

jacques27 · January 2015

Please don't do this. If he really wanted to do this, he'd be offering it. And if you ask and he doesn't want to do it, he's probably never going to tell you that and feel guilted into doing it - even if you gave him an out. Don't put someone in that position. Him offering completely unsolicited is one thing, but you asking or shamelessly hinting hoping he'll then offer is unacceptable. And truthfully, even if he offered, I personally would refuse it because I want to host my guests, not be their employer - I would feel like a horrible hostess asking my guests to work.

The reception is a thank you to your guests. It is really rude to thank your guest by making him work (and work HARD at that - this isn't setting up centerpieces for 15 minutes, which would still be rude, but minor in comparison). This person is already spending a considerable sum of money just to be there, which is an expense he likely wouldn't have with a local wedding, and deserves to relax and enjoy the party just like all the other guests. What you're considering goes above and beyond a reasonable request.

So, your options are:
1) Don't invite the cousin to the wedding as a guest - hire him like you would any other vendor with a contract and pay for his expenses, including travel. This obviously won't work if you've already given him a save the date or invitation or have verbally told him "Of course you're invited to the wedding!"

2) Invite the cousin as a guest as planned and rework your budget to afford a photographer - cut down on other wedding expenses, work OT or a part-time job, learn to enjoy the taste of ramen, etc. Possibly even find a photographer local to the wedding so you don't have to pay travel expenses since most photographers work in digital now, eliminating the need for them to be local to where you live.

3) Don't have a photographer and learn to be happy with whatever photos your guests may capture on their own with their own cameras and phones.

climbingsingle · January 2015

Another vote for not doing this. You're asking a lot of this person. My aunt is a professional photographer and she's amazing. I didn't ask her to shoot my wedding, as I wanted her there as a guest. I didn't want her to work my wedding.

huskypuppy14 · January 2015

Paging @photokitty for this question.

I'm curious OP, are you actually getting married in Mexico?

SP29 · January 2015

Don't ask unless you plan on paying him fully as a vendor.

I think it rude to expect him to pay his way to come "as a guest" and then expect him to work for free. You can't tell a guest what gift to give you. Once he is your photographer, he is also not a guest- he will be busy. And you're right, you know editing the photos takes up the bulk of the work.

marie2785 · January 2015

You must offer to pay, and its incredibly rude of your fiancé to assume its a gift--its only a gift if the cousin offers on his own without pressure. Ask him if he'd do the photography, and how much he'd charge. If the cousin wants it to be a gift, he'll offer at that time. Then do a proper contract.

We went through this with a close friend who already planned to be at the wedding, and in the end, he agreed to do it for $3000 since this was the going rate where we live for someone of his skill. We found this was above our budget, so we went with another option. He still plans to be there, and asked for the info for the pro photographer so he can take photos too and coordinate with the official photographer (aka not get in the way). But he's now taking photos for fun, not as a job.

The benefit of a pro is that they have backups in case of emergency (e.g. photographer is ill or otherwise is unavailable). If your cousin gets sick, flights get cancelled, etc, then you'll be left without a photographer.

huskypuppy14 · January 2015

Knottie56612621 said:

Hi there,
I have a bit of a tricky situation. We are getting married next year in Mexico. My fiance has always said that when we get married, he wants his cousin (they're very close, like brothers) to be our photographer (I should also note, we are not having a wedding party, so he would just be a guest) I love the idea of this because he is very talented and knows our personality and style. He does not work as a professional photographer, he now works in the film industry and photography is more of a hobby now.
My question is, what is the etiquette for a situation like this? I know that people usually fly their photographer down and pay their accommodations, but he will already be there. I know that he would be happy to do it for us (and will be snapping away the entire trip anyway). We don't really have room in our budget for an additional fare and I doubt he would accept any form of payment. My fiance says that is can be his gift to us but since it is a destination wedding, and we aren't asking for gifts, why should he be the only one "gifting" us something?
I am just not sure how to handle this situation. I am in the arts so I know how much time photographers put into these kinds of things, The job is not done once the pictures are taken, there is sorting and editing which takes forever! I'm not so sure my fiance realizes how much we would be asking of him. What should we do?

JennyColada · January 2015

One of my DH's best friends is an incredible event photographer. When me and DH got engaged, he knew that he wanted his friend to be our photographer before we even picked a location or made a guests list.

I guess in our case it worked out more easily (we didn't have a big guest list so he didn't feel "left out"). But we just treated it as a vendor. I mean, we sent him an invite (more for his records than anything, we also sent one to our DoC). During the reception, since it was so small, it was easy to include him as a guest (he still took some pictures too).

So long story short: I think it's ok, but treat him as more of a vendor and less of a friend. He's basically a vendor that you just-so-happen to know on a personal level.

As for compensation, he wanted to do it for us at no charge (but we didnt request that) and offered to pay for transportation (he bought his own flight anyway) and hotel (he opted to stay with friends). We wrote him an amazing thank you card and included a check and a gift card).

lovegood90 · January 2015

JennyColada said:
One of my DH's best friends is an incredible event photographer. When me and DH got engaged, he knew that he wanted his friend to be our photographer before we even picked a location or made a guests list.

I guess in our case it worked out more easily (we didn't have a big guest list so he didn't feel "left out"). But we just treated it as a vendor. I mean, we sent him an invite (more for his records than anything, we also sent one to our DoC). During the reception, since it was so small, it was easy to include him as a guest (he still took some pictures too).

So long story short: I think it's ok, but treat him as more of a vendor and less of a friend. He's basically a vendor that you just-so-happen to know on a personal level.

As for compensation, he wanted to do it for us at no charge (but we didnt request that) and offered to pay for transportation (he bought his own flight anyway) and hotel (he opted to stay with friends). We wrote him an amazing thank you card and included a check and a gift card).

This really sounds like you wanted to have your cake and eat it too. You didn't pay him yet you say you treated him like a regular vendor? Regular vendors get paid.

ETA: unless the check you gave him was his regular going rate, then never mind.

YogaSandy · January 2015

Lurker from the bump - and I haven't read all the replies

I agree with PPs, I think it would be against etiquette, especialy since you are expecting him to pay to attend a destination wedding.

However, DH is a hobby photographer (he does have a mentor who is a professional photographer), who takes amazing pics. My BFF was having a hard time choosing a photographer when she got married 6 years ago. I don't remember how it came about (if she asked or DH offered) to be their photographer. It was the first time he ever did a wedding. DH refused any payment from my friend - she offered. She did pay two night for us in a fancy hotel (we were traveling 5 hours for the wedding).

She said she very much liked him taking the pics because she was very comfortable with him. They were very happy with their pics. My friend's husband did tell DH at one point though, to stop taking pics and remember that he was a guest, not a worker.

It prob worked because of the relationship the two of us had. And DH and BFF are close. I was also a BM.in the small wedding (so I was busy for parts of it) and it was all family, so DH didn't know many people.

Another thing - my brother got married a few years ago and hired my DH's mentor photographer. He is very good, abd edits the photos (hes a bit of a perfectionist), but takes a long time to finish the photos. DH took a lot of pics at the wedding. We left quite early (9:30) so DH edited pics until 2 am. But when we went to brunch/gift opening the next day, DH gave SIL and brother a lot of beautiful, edited pics.

zitiqueen · January 2015

When I got married, my brother worked as a professional wedding photographer. I hired a photographer so he could be a guest. He was thrilled shitless to be able to be a guest at a wedding for once.

JennyColada · January 2015

lovegood90 said:

One of my DH's best friends is an incredible event photographer. When me and DH got engaged, he knew that he wanted his friend to be our photographer before we even picked a location or made a guests list. I guess in our case it worked out more easily (we didn't have a big guest list so he didn't feel "left out"). But we just treated it as a vendor. I mean, we sent him an invite (more for his records than anything, we also sent one to our DoC). During the reception, since it was so small, it was easy to include him as a guest (he still took some pictures too). So long story short: I think it's ok, but treat him as more of a vendor and less of a friend. He's basically a vendor that you just-so-happen to know on a personal level. As for compensation, he wanted to do it for us at no charge (but we didnt request that) and offered to pay for transportation (he bought his own flight anyway) and hotel (he opted to stay with friends). We wrote him an amazing thank you card and included a check and a gift card).
This really sounds like you wanted to have your cake and eat it too. You didn't pay him yet you say you treated him like a regular vendor? Regular vendors get paid. ETA: unless the check you gave him was his regular going rate, then never mind.

I guess I don't really understand what your qualm is here. I'm not sure what DH paid him, and none of us really know what going-rate is for photographers (and since this guy doesn't really specialize in wedding photography it's not like he has a historical rate that we could base this off of).

So, I mean, I guess according to you I should have declined his offer and un-invited him to our wedding (since we didn't invite any friends)?

Is it okay to ask a guest to be our photographer?

Re: Is it okay to ask a guest to be our photographer?

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