Memory Candle

Re: Memory Candle

• holyguacamole79 member

  

  January 2015

  JennT92113 said:

  I would like some input on how everyone worked out the memory item. My cousin and I had grown up more as sisters then cousins and I was her maid of honor in her wedding. We had always talked about her returning the favor and being my matron of honor. Before this wish could be forfilled she passed away unexpectedly. When she passed away in Febuary of 2013 ( valentines day) she had a six year old son who I am helping to raise with his grandmother ( his father is no longer in the picture). When the time comes I will take custody of her son whom I love like my own. I am getting married in August of 2016 and would like to do something to honor her memory. I was thinking about a memory candle but I am unsure on how to go about it. Should it be lit before the ceremony or during the ceremony by me, her son, or both of us? What should be said? I want my wedding to be a happy time and not made sad by this event but I need her to still be a part of my wedding day. 

  I'm sorry to hear about your cousin, and I'm glad to hear you are such a great influence on her son. You still have some time before your wedding, so I'd slow down on planning that aspect.
  
  Weddings generally aren't a good time to have memorials. It can take other family members by surprise, and not in a good way. Also, it could come across as you using her son as an awkward prop. If your cousin loved pearls, you could wear pearl jewelry in her honor / memory. You could tie a locket with her picture to your bouquet. I'd just do something simple that doesn't draw attention to it and makes people uncomfortable.

  
  
  
  
  

  

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• Jen4948 member

  

  January 2015

  My condolences for the loss of your cousin.  I think it's lovely of you to be there for her son.
  
  That said, I agree with the PP who said that your wedding is not a good time to "memorialize" your cousin-at least not in a public manner.  It might make her son very unhappy to be reminded of his mother in that way, as well as other relatives and friends who mourn your cousin's loss.  It also can make it uncomfortable for those guests who are not in mourning for your cousin, especially if they didn't know her, to be presented with a memorial on what is supposed to be a happy occasion.
  
  This is not to say that you shouldn't do something to remember your cousin, just to keep it quiet and subtle.  Some things you might do that would be appropriate would be to have an appropriate prayer said if your ceremony will be a religious one, to wear or carry something your cousin owned or is associated with her, to have food, drinks, flowers, music, or other other decorations or entertainment she would have enjoyed, and to give her a tribute in a wedding program if you are having one.
  

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• mlg78 member

  

  January 2015

  This is a difficult topic... I did have a picture of my dad with a poem that meant a lot to me on a table at my wedding.  The only relative of my dad's that was there was his sister.  I ran it by my mom as well as my aunt and everyone loved the idea which eliminated the shock factor or anyone being upset about this.  I ended up getting a lot of wonderful comments about it and I knew it was something I needed on my wedding day.  I know this isn't the popular opinion on TK...but I'm okay with that.

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• NYCMercedes member

  

  January 2015

  lbdlove said:

  Having a special moment to reflect or even lighting a candle is very important at a wedding. She was suppose to be there and honoring that during the ceremony is so special! My FI mother passed when he was younger, her name is Rosemary, so after our vows and before our declaration as a married couple we are doing a rose ceremony. I will be presenting a rose to my FI parents and he will present a rose to my parents. This will represent Rosemary presence in both of our families. I will have our officiant say this....

  
  

  BRIDE and GROOM are pleased that so many family and friends have come to witness their exchange of wedding vows. Each one of you have been important in their lives, and they look forward to your love and support in the future as they begin life as husband and wife. BRIDE and GROOM also wish to pay tribute to GROOM's mother, Rosemary, who are no longer with us physically, but whose gifts of love and compassion over the years will always be cherished and remembered. In remembrance of Rosemary, BRIDE and GROOM will now present a rose to each other’s parents to represent Rosemary presence in the conjoining of their family. 

  We might also leave a seat empty next to his father with some type of decoration or picture.  

  
  Have you run this by his father? He might just want to be happy for you without bringing up the sadness in his heart. Be considerate of him.

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• lbdlove member

  

  January 2015

  NYCMercedes said:

  lbdlove said:

  Having a special moment to reflect or even lighting a candle is very important at a wedding. She was suppose to be there and honoring that during the ceremony is so special! My FI mother passed when he was younger, her name is Rosemary, so after our vows and before our declaration as a married couple we are doing a rose ceremony. I will be presenting a rose to my FI parents and he will present a rose to my parents. This will represent Rosemary presence in both of our families. I will have our officiant say this....

  
  

  BRIDE and GROOM are pleased that so many family and friends have come to witness their exchange of wedding vows. Each one of you have been important in their lives, and they look forward to your love and support in the future as they begin life as husband and wife. BRIDE and GROOM also wish to pay tribute to GROOM's mother, Rosemary, who are no longer with us physically, but whose gifts of love and compassion over the years will always be cherished and remembered. In remembrance of Rosemary, BRIDE and GROOM will now present a rose to each other’s parents to represent Rosemary presence in the conjoining of their family. 

  We might also leave a seat empty next to his father with some type of decoration or picture.  

  
  Have you run this by his father? He might just want to be happy for you without bringing up the sadness in his heart. Be considerate of him.

  Yes, his whole family love this idea. They were all so close to Rosemary and mentioning her at the wedding will make them all happy! This is another reason why we are doing this. It would mean a lot to everyone. 

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• Jen4948 member

  

  January 2015

  lbdlove said:

  
  

  NYCMercedes said:

  
  

  
  

  lbdlove said:

  
  

  Having a special moment to reflect or even lighting a candle is very important at a wedding. She was suppose to be there and honoring that during the ceremony is so special! My FI mother passed when he was younger, her name is Rosemary, so after our vows and before our declaration as a married couple we are doing a rose ceremony. I will be presenting a rose to my FI parents and he will present a rose to my parents. This will represent Rosemary presence in both of our families. I will have our officiant say this....

  
  

  
  
  
  
  
  
  

  BRIDE and GROOM are pleased that so many family and friends have come to witness their exchange of wedding vows. Each one of you have been important in their lives, and they look forward to your love and support in the future as they begin life as husband and wife. BRIDE and GROOM also wish to pay tribute to GROOM's mother, Rosemary, who are no longer with us physically, but whose gifts of love and compassion over the years will always be cherished and remembered. In remembrance of Rosemary, BRIDE and GROOM will now present a rose to each other’s parents to represent Rosemary presence in the conjoining of their family. 

  We might also leave a seat empty next to his father with some type of decoration or picture.  

  
  

  
  Have you run this by his father? He might just want to be happy for you without bringing up the sadness in his heart. Be considerate of him.

  
  

  Yes, his whole family love this idea. They were all so close to Rosemary and mentioning her at the wedding will make them all happy! This is another reason why we are doing this. It would mean a lot to everyone. 
  
  However meaningful it might seem to you, it does seem like a sequel to her funeral. That's not what a wedding is supposed to be.
  
  I'd skip the roses and empty seats and be less in-your-face with your tribute.

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• lbdlove member

  

  January 2015 edited January 2015

  Jen4948 said:

  NYCMercedes said:

  lbdlove said:

  Having a special moment to reflect or even lighting a candle is very important at a wedding. She was suppose to be there and honoring that during the ceremony is so special! My FI mother passed when he was younger, her name is Rosemary, so after our vows and before our declaration as a married couple we are doing a rose ceremony. I will be presenting a rose to my FI parents and he will present a rose to my parents. This will represent Rosemary presence in both of our families. I will have our officiant say this....

  
  

  BRIDE and GROOM are pleased that so many family and friends have come to witness their exchange of wedding vows. Each one of you have been important in their lives, and they look forward to your love and support in the future as they begin life as husband and wife. BRIDE and GROOM also wish to pay tribute to GROOM's mother, Rosemary, who are no longer with us physically, but whose gifts of love and compassion over the years will always be cherished and remembered. In remembrance of Rosemary, BRIDE and GROOM will now present a rose to each other’s parents to represent Rosemary presence in the conjoining of their family. 

  We might also leave a seat empty next to his father with some type of decoration or picture.  

  
  Have you run this by his father? He might just want to be happy for you without bringing up the sadness in his heart. Be considerate of him.

  Yes, his whole family love this idea. They were all so close to Rosemary and mentioning her at the wedding will make them all happy! This is another reason why we are doing this. It would mean a lot to everyone. 

  However meaningful it might seem to you, it does seem like a sequel to her funeral. That's not what a wedding is supposed to be. I'd skip the roses and empty seats and be less in-your-face with your tribute.

  No everyone likes the idea, they are a very close family and making her presence known is perfect Its a not a funeral, its a wedding! We are going with it thanks!

  
  

  Anyways this board isn't about me lol and there are so many different things you can do at a wedding to pay tribute - this is NO wrong way if everyone agrees to it. This is our way, our wedding. 

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• Jen4948 member

  

  January 2015 edited January 2015

  lbdlove said:

  
  

  Jen4948 said:

  
  

  lbdlove said:

  
  

  NYCMercedes said:

  
  

  
  

  lbdlove said:

  
  

  Having a special moment to reflect or even lighting a candle is very important at a wedding. She was suppose to be there and honoring that during the ceremony is so special! My FI mother passed when he was younger, her name is Rosemary, so after our vows and before our declaration as a married couple we are doing a rose ceremony. I will be presenting a rose to my FI parents and he will present a rose to my parents. This will represent Rosemary presence in both of our families. I will have our officiant say this....

  
  

  
  
  
  
  
  
  

  BRIDE and GROOM are pleased that so many family and friends have come to witness their exchange of wedding vows. Each one of you have been important in their lives, and they look forward to your love and support in the future as they begin life as husband and wife. BRIDE and GROOM also wish to pay tribute to GROOM's mother, Rosemary, who are no longer with us physically, but whose gifts of love and compassion over the years will always be cherished and remembered. In remembrance of Rosemary, BRIDE and GROOM will now present a rose to each other’s parents to represent Rosemary presence in the conjoining of their family. 

  We might also leave a seat empty next to his father with some type of decoration or picture.  

  
  

  
  Have you run this by his father? He might just want to be happy for you without bringing up the sadness in his heart. Be considerate of him.

  
  

  Yes, his whole family love this idea. They were all so close to Rosemary and mentioning her at the wedding will make them all happy! This is another reason why we are doing this. It would mean a lot to everyone. 

  However meaningful it might seem to you, it does seem like a sequel to her funeral. That's not what a wedding is supposed to be.
  
  I'd skip the roses and empty seats and be less in-your-face with your tribute.
  
  
  No everyone likes the idea, they are a very close family and making her presence known is perfect Its a not a funeral, its a wedding! We are going with it thanks!

  
  

  Anyways this board isn't about me lol and there are so many different things you can do at a wedding to pay tribute - this is NO wrong way if everyone agrees to it. This is our way, our wedding. 

  
  
  If you lurk some more you'll find that both the "it's our wedding" and the "this isn't wrong if everyone agrees to it" attitudes are not agreed with here. If you aren't interested in what others here have to say, but are just going to do whatever you want and get defensive about it, then don't ask for our opinions. Because you're right about one thing: this board isn't about you.

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• lbdlove member

  

  January 2015 edited January 2015

  Jen4948 said:

  Jen4948 said:

  NYCMercedes said:

  lbdlove said:

  Having a special moment to reflect or even lighting a candle is very important at a wedding. She was suppose to be there and honoring that during the ceremony is so special! My FI mother passed when he was younger, her name is Rosemary, so after our vows and before our declaration as a married couple we are doing a rose ceremony. I will be presenting a rose to my FI parents and he will present a rose to my parents. This will represent Rosemary presence in both of our families. I will have our officiant say this....

  
  

  BRIDE and GROOM are pleased that so many family and friends have come to witness their exchange of wedding vows. Each one of you have been important in their lives, and they look forward to your love and support in the future as they begin life as husband and wife. BRIDE and GROOM also wish to pay tribute to GROOM's mother, Rosemary, who are no longer with us physically, but whose gifts of love and compassion over the years will always be cherished and remembered. In remembrance of Rosemary, BRIDE and GROOM will now present a rose to each other’s parents to represent Rosemary presence in the conjoining of their family. 

  We might also leave a seat empty next to his father with some type of decoration or picture.  

  
  Have you run this by his father? He might just want to be happy for you without bringing up the sadness in his heart. Be considerate of him.

  Yes, his whole family love this idea. They were all so close to Rosemary and mentioning her at the wedding will make them all happy! This is another reason why we are doing this. It would mean a lot to everyone. 

  However meaningful it might seem to you, it does seem like a sequel to her funeral. That's not what a wedding is supposed to be. I'd skip the roses and empty seats and be less in-your-face with your tribute.

  No everyone likes the idea, they are a very close family and making her presence known is perfect Its a not a funeral, its a wedding! We are going with it thanks!

  
  

  Anyways this board isn't about me lol and there are so many different things you can do at a wedding to pay tribute - this is NO wrong way if everyone agrees to it. This is our way, our wedding. 

  If you lurk some more you'll find that both the "it's our wedding" and the "this isn't wrong if everyone agrees to it" attitudes are not agreed with here. If you aren't interested in what others here have to say, but are just going to do whatever you want and get defensive about it, then don't ask for our opinions. Because you're right about one thing: this board isn't about you.

  I wasn't asking for advice sweetheart - I didn't start this board lol I was just sharing with the OP what I was doing at my wedding since she wanted to know what people do in memory of their loved ones. That is all. Thank you though!

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• Jen4948 member

  

  January 2015

  lbdlove said:

  
  

  Jen4948 said:

  
  

  lbdlove said:

  
  

  Jen4948 said:

  
  

  lbdlove said:

  
  

  NYCMercedes said:

  
  

  
  

  lbdlove said:

  
  

  Having a special moment to reflect or even lighting a candle is very important at a wedding. She was suppose to be there and honoring that during the ceremony is so special! My FI mother passed when he was younger, her name is Rosemary, so after our vows and before our declaration as a married couple we are doing a rose ceremony. I will be presenting a rose to my FI parents and he will present a rose to my parents. This will represent Rosemary presence in both of our families. I will have our officiant say this....

  
  

  
  
  
  
  
  
  

  BRIDE and GROOM are pleased that so many family and friends have come to witness their exchange of wedding vows. Each one of you have been important in their lives, and they look forward to your love and support in the future as they begin life as husband and wife. BRIDE and GROOM also wish to pay tribute to GROOM's mother, Rosemary, who are no longer with us physically, but whose gifts of love and compassion over the years will always be cherished and remembered. In remembrance of Rosemary, BRIDE and GROOM will now present a rose to each other’s parents to represent Rosemary presence in the conjoining of their family. 

  We might also leave a seat empty next to his father with some type of decoration or picture.  

  
  

  
  Have you run this by his father? He might just want to be happy for you without bringing up the sadness in his heart. Be considerate of him.

  
  

  Yes, his whole family love this idea. They were all so close to Rosemary and mentioning her at the wedding will make them all happy! This is another reason why we are doing this. It would mean a lot to everyone. 

  However meaningful it might seem to you, it does seem like a sequel to her funeral. That's not what a wedding is supposed to be.
  
  I'd skip the roses and empty seats and be less in-your-face with your tribute.

  
  

  No everyone likes the idea, they are a very close family and making her presence known is perfect Its a not a funeral, its a wedding! We are going with it thanks!

  
  

  Anyways this board isn't about me lol and there are so many different things you can do at a wedding to pay tribute - this is NO wrong way if everyone agrees to it. This is our way, our wedding. 

  
  
  If you lurk some more you'll find that both the "it's our wedding" and the "this isn't wrong if everyone agrees to it" attitudes are not agreed with here. If you aren't interested in what others here have to say, but are just going to do whatever you want and get defensive about it, then don't ask for our opinions. Because you're right about one thing: this board isn't about you.
  
  
  I wasn't asking for advice sweetheart - I didn't start this board lol I was just sharing with the OP what I was doing at my wedding since she wanted to know what people do in memory of their loved ones. That is all. Thank you though!
  
  Knock off the sweetheart bullshit.
  
  Newsflash: by posting on this board, you did indeed "ask for advice."

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• lbdlove member

  

  January 2015

  kisses xoxo

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• Jen4948 member

  

  January 2015 edited January 2015

  lbdlove said:

  kisses xoxo

  Go post in Wedding Wire if you're looking for validation of your bad ideas. And don't let the door smack you in the ass on your way out.

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• lbdlove member

  

  January 2015 edited January 2015

  Jen4948 said:

  kisses xoxo

  Go post in Wedding Wire if you're looking for validation of your bad ideas. And don't let the door smack you in the ass on your way out.

  
  

  You need to get over yourself and stop being so rude to people. I'm sick of stupid girls like you on this site that think they can talk over other people and make the final decision of peoples advice, your not the OP.  AND I never asked YOU or anyone if it was okay for me to honor my FI mother that passed so that was a pointless argument you made. I posted to give the OP an option for honoring someone and if she says thats not what she wants then thats it. Stop looking for fake drama on a website that is suppose to be helpful. Go get laid now....please ! Unless your husband/wife has left you by now which is why you have been on this website since 2012.

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• JennT92113 member

  

  January 2015

  thank you lbdlove for sharing with me what you plan on doing and yes i was looking for ways of how to work out my memory event not if i should do it

  Report3 Reply
• Jen4948 member

  

  January 2015

  lbdlove said:

  
  

  Jen4948 said:

  
  

  lbdlove said:

  kisses xoxo

  Go post in Wedding Wire if you're looking for validation of your bad ideas. And don't let the door smack you in the ass on your way out.

  
  

  
  

  You need to get over yourself and stop being so rude to people. I'm sick of stupid girls like you on this site that think they can talk over other people and make the final decision of peoples advice, your not the OP.  AND I never asked YOU or anyone if it was okay for me to honor my FI mother that passed so that was a pointless argument you made. I posted to give the OP an option for honoring someone and if she says thats not what she wants then thats it. Stop looking for fake drama on a website that is suppose to be helpful. Go get laid now....please ! Unless your husband/wife has left you by now which is why you have been on this website since 2012.

  
  
  Out of luck there, Toots. Ta-Ta.

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• KhaleesiFox member

  

  January 2015

  We are both going to have a single empty chair at the ceremony with a picture of our passed loved ones sitting there.
  
  I was closer to my grandparents, so the empty chair on my side is going to have a picture of them. When I walk down the asile and stop at the front to kiss my mom I'm going to lay a peach rose on that chair to pay my respect to two people who I dearly wish could be there.
  
  Mister man's empty chair is going to have a picture of his dad and one of his grandfather. When he follows the officiant in at the beginning of the wedding he is going to put a rose on that chair.
  
  Everyone had been gone for at least 8 years, so it doesn't feel like a mourning thing to us, it's just us taking a second to wish they were with us. Both sides of the family are cool with it and they think it's sweet to remember who can't be there.

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• Jen4948 member

  

  January 2015

  KhaleesiFox said:

  We are both going to have a single empty chair at the ceremony with a picture of our passed loved ones sitting there.
  
  I was closer to my grandparents, so the empty chair on my side is going to have a picture of them. When I walk down the asile and stop at the front to kiss my mom I'm going to lay a peach rose on that chair to pay my respect to two people who I dearly wish could be there.
  
  Mister man's empty chair is going to have a picture of his dad and one of his grandfather. When he follows the officiant in at the beginning of the wedding he is going to put a rose on that chair.
  
  Everyone had been gone for at least 8 years, so it doesn't feel like a mourning thing to us, it's just us taking a second to wish they were with us. Both sides of the family are cool with it and they think it's sweet to remember who can't be there.

  All these flowers on empty chairs makes what is supposed to be a happy occasion sound like an extra funeral service for the dead. It's too morbid. There are nice ways to remember deceased loved ones that are not so in-your-face and that's what this forum recommends.

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• speakeasy14 member

  

  January 2015

  I am so sorry to hear about your cousin, and it is very admirable that you are remaining such a large part in her son's life.  My family is Catholic, so seeing candles lit during a ceremony would be normal for me.  If you want to do a memory candle, I would have it lit before the ceremony, so it is already glowing when you walk down the aisle.  You can have a mention in your program for why that candle is lit, but nothing should be said during the ceremony. 

  
  

  
  

  If you ceremony is outdoors, a candle may not be ideal.  If that is the case, having her picture or something of hers attached to your bouquet is really sweet.  

  

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• kmherman15 member

  

  January 2015

  My FI and I have decided to just to get old pictures of our loved ones (2 of our grandfathers and his brother) and place them on a table with a little sign that says "We know you would be here if Heaven wasn't so far away". We will put it up somewhere in the hall where both our ceremony and reception are taking place.

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• augsum15 member

  

  January 2015

  Jen4948 said:

  My condolences for the loss of your cousin.  I think it's lovely of you to be there for her son.
  
  That said, I agree with the PP who said that your wedding is not a good time to "memorialize" your cousin-at least not in a public manner.  It might make her son very unhappy to be reminded of his mother in that way, as well as other relatives and friends who mourn your cousin's loss.  It also can make it uncomfortable for those guests who are not in mourning for your cousin, especially if they didn't know her, to be presented with a memorial on what is supposed to be a happy occasion.
  
  This is not to say that you shouldn't do something to remember your cousin, just to keep it quiet and subtle.  Some things you might do that would be appropriate would be to have an appropriate prayer said if your ceremony will be a religious one, to wear or carry something your cousin owned or is associated with her, to have food, drinks, flowers, music, or other other decorations or entertainment she would have enjoyed, and to give her a tribute in a wedding program if you are having one.
  

  I agree here, something small that's significant to you or her son, etc would be great, but it's unfair to have guests who didn't know her essentially mourning unknowingly. It's a happy day for you, so including things she loved in the above said way would be enough. Or alternatively, say something during your rehearsal dinner (if you're having one) when it's more intimate, you can share anything, have a candle lighting, have pictures or something at that time. I think that might be a *bit* more appropriate. 

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• justsie member

  

  January 2015

  Just a note. I had a relative pass away that I didn't properly deal with, my cousin was also close to that relative and decided to do the whole "empty chair" thing. I completely lost it halfway through the ceremony when I noticed it. I couldn't stop crying, I had to rush out of the room and it felt so stifling to walk back in there. I went and cried in my car for a few hours, walked in to leave my gift and promptly left. It was embarrassing for me, and I imagine it probably impacted my cousin as well. 

  Please, rethink having a very public display about the fact that someone who should be there isn't. We haven't talked since.

  

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• flantastic member

  

  January 2015

  This thread makes me sad, because every person except lbdlove said "This is inappropriate, and weird" and yet the chosen "best" answer is the one which tells OP what she wants to hear.

  For the record: Memorializing the dead at your wedding is inappropriate, and often weird.

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