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MOH, BM, Mother drama

JaimeenJoshJaimeenJosh member
in Moms and Maids
I need to start this by saying that I never thought in a million years I would ever be close to my middle sister. Not to go into too much detail but her father is not my biological father and there is a 10 year age gap between us, that coupled with my resentment towards her father and other things led to us having a very difficult relationship. However fast forward to her turning 17, getting her license, and just wanting to be away from our mom for a night led to her and I bonding. Now she is as close to me as we are to our mother. 
So with that in mind I had for quite some time intended to have my best friend as my MOH. Her husband, though he is one my FI's best friends, is not the Best Man. I knew she felt awkward about not being paired with her husband. Then after a conversation with both my sisters I found out that the youngest did not want the MOH title, and would not be hurt or upset if I chose our sister as MOH. 
I thought "problem solved", I give my sister, who as I said I had become very close to, a special honor, and my best friend gets to be paired with her husband.
My best friend decided to take this as a demotion and proceeded to remind me every time wedding stuff came up that it was Sarah's (my sister) job now.
Now that the wedding planning is in full swing, deposits have been made, the date it set, suddenly she is changing her tune.
She tells me to my face that she is just a bidesmaid and will do whatever the MOH and my mother tell her to do. But to the rest of the bridal party she (according to them) inserts herself into everything, has tried to actually start planing the shower without talking to the MOH first, and goodness knows what else.
I should also mention, and I apologize for rambling, my mother does not very much care for my best friend. She and I have had some rough spots in the past, but I love her and couldn't imagine not being friends with her. 
How do I defuse what I feel is a ticking time bomb. I want my best friend to feel like she gets to participate. But I am so incredibly close to my family that I don't want to take anything away from them. 
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Re: MOH, BM, Mother drama

  • Teddy917Teddy917 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    Couple things:
    1. It's nobody's job to help you plan your wedding (except your Fi since it's his wedding too).
    2. The MOH and BM don't have to be paired up. I've never been to (or even heard of, at least outside of TK) a wedding where the BP was paired up.
    3. Did you tell your BF that she was going to be your MOH? If so, you can't demote her.
    4. Lastly, anyone can throw you a shower. They don't have to ask the MOH first.
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    JaimeenJosh said:
    I need to start this by saying that I never thought in a million years I would ever be close to my middle sister. Not to go into too much detail but her father is not my biological father and there is a 10 year age gap between us, that coupled with my resentment towards her father and other things led to us having a very difficult relationship. However fast forward to her turning 17, getting her license, and just wanting to be away from our mom for a night led to her and I bonding. Now she is as close to me as we are to our mother. 
    So with that in mind I had for quite some time intended to have my best friend as my MOH. Her husband, though he is one my FI's best friends, is not the Best Man. I knew she felt awkward about not being paired with her husband. Then after a conversation with both my sisters I found out that the youngest did not want the MOH title, and would not be hurt or upset if I chose our sister as MOH. 
    I thought "problem solved", I give my sister, who as I said I had become very close to, a special honor, and my best friend gets to be paired with her husband.
    My best friend decided to take this as a demotion and proceeded to remind me every time wedding stuff came up that it was Sarah's (my sister) job now.
    Now that the wedding planning is in full swing, deposits have been made, the date it set, suddenly she is changing her tune.
    She tells me to my face that she is just a bidesmaid and will do whatever the MOH and my mother tell her to do. But to the rest of the bridal party she (according to them) inserts herself into everything, has tried to actually start planing the shower without talking to the MOH first, and goodness knows what else.
    I should also mention, and I apologize for rambling, my mother does not very much care for my best friend. She and I have had some rough spots in the past, but I love her and couldn't imagine not being friends with her. 
    How do I defuse what I feel is a ticking time bomb. I want my best friend to feel like she gets to participate. But I am so incredibly close to my family that I don't want to take anything away from them. 
    So it seems like you asked this friend to be MOH but then replaced her with your sister.  Is that right?  If that is right then your friend has every right to feel like she got demoted/replaced because that is exactly what happened.

    I think the best solution would have been to have both your sister and your best friend as co-MOHs but that ship has sailed.  At this point you just need to tread lightly.  I think having any kind of talk with your friend is just going to make things worse because there is no nice way of saying "well since you didn't want to be separated from your H and I am now close to my sister then that is why I demoted you" it is just best to let things cool down on their own.

    As for anything going on with the bridal party you need to let them figure it out for themselves. They are all adults and it is best to let them work things out on their own then you trying to step in and manage them like they are children.

    Side note...what the fuck is up with people who just "can't be separated from their SO" when they are both in the wedding?  It is a freaking two second walk up the aisle.  It isn't like they are separated the entire night!

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  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its

    Ditto Maggie.  If you demoted your friend from MOH, you have damaged your own friendship by doing so.  Your friend is hurt from the demotion and is probably acting out against you for that. 

    The only time your friend would have needed to walk with someone other than her H was when she processed out of the ceremony.  Then during the introductions into the reception, your friend, as MOH could have been escorted into the reception by her H, the GM.

    Don't insert yourself into the potential drama for the shower.  You can decline or accept any offer of a shower from anyone, so if your BM is planning it - that is perfectly fine.  It is not the MOH's job to throw a shower.

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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its First Anniversary
    edited December 2014
    Maggie0829 said:
    JaimeenJosh said:
    I need to start this by saying that I never thought in a million years I would ever be close to my middle sister. Not to go into too much detail but her father is not my biological father and there is a 10 year age gap between us, that coupled with my resentment towards her father and other things led to us having a very difficult relationship. However fast forward to her turning 17, getting her license, and just wanting to be away from our mom for a night led to her and I bonding. Now she is as close to me as we are to our mother. 
    So with that in mind I had for quite some time intended to have my best friend as my MOH. Her husband, though he is one my FI's best friends, is not the Best Man. I knew she felt awkward about not being paired with her husband. Then after a conversation with both my sisters I found out that the youngest did not want the MOH title, and would not be hurt or upset if I chose our sister as MOH. 
    I thought "problem solved", I give my sister, who as I said I had become very close to, a special honor, and my best friend gets to be paired with her husband.
    My best friend decided to take this as a demotion and proceeded to remind me every time wedding stuff came up that it was Sarah's (my sister) job now.
    Now that the wedding planning is in full swing, deposits have been made, the date it set, suddenly she is changing her tune.
    She tells me to my face that she is just a bidesmaid and will do whatever the MOH and my mother tell her to do. But to the rest of the bridal party she (according to them) inserts herself into everything, has tried to actually start planing the shower without talking to the MOH first, and goodness knows what else.
    I should also mention, and I apologize for rambling, my mother does not very much care for my best friend. She and I have had some rough spots in the past, but I love her and couldn't imagine not being friends with her. 
    How do I defuse what I feel is a ticking time bomb. I want my best friend to feel like she gets to participate. But I am so incredibly close to my family that I don't want to take anything away from them. 
    So it seems like you asked this friend to be MOH but then replaced her with your sister.  Is that right?  If that is right then your friend has every right to feel like she got demoted/replaced because that is exactly what happened.

    I think the best solution would have been to have both your sister and your best friend as co-MOHs but that ship has sailed.  At this point you just need to tread lightly.  I think having any kind of talk with your friend is just going to make things worse because there is no nice way of saying "well since you didn't want to be separated from your H and I am now close to my sister then that is why I demoted you" it is just best to let things cool down on their own.

    As for anything going on with the bridal party you need to let them figure it out for themselves. They are all adults and it is best to let them work things out on their own then you trying to step in and manage them like they are children.

    Side note...what the fuck is up with people who just "can't be separated from their SO" when they are both in the wedding?  It is a freaking two second walk up the aisle.  It isn't like they are separated the entire night!
    A girl I knew told me that her older brother's wedding party was all "couples only" and that the B&G chose people for the party based on their "couples" status, over individuals who they were better friends with, but who weren't coupled at the time of their wedding.

    WEIRD.
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  • zitiqueenzitiqueen member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    Maggie0829 said:
    JaimeenJosh said:
    I need to start this by saying that I never thought in a million years I would ever be close to my middle sister. Not to go into too much detail but her father is not my biological father and there is a 10 year age gap between us, that coupled with my resentment towards her father and other things led to us having a very difficult relationship. However fast forward to her turning 17, getting her license, and just wanting to be away from our mom for a night led to her and I bonding. Now she is as close to me as we are to our mother. 
    So with that in mind I had for quite some time intended to have my best friend as my MOH. Her husband, though he is one my FI's best friends, is not the Best Man. I knew she felt awkward about not being paired with her husband. Then after a conversation with both my sisters I found out that the youngest did not want the MOH title, and would not be hurt or upset if I chose our sister as MOH. 
    I thought "problem solved", I give my sister, who as I said I had become very close to, a special honor, and my best friend gets to be paired with her husband.
    My best friend decided to take this as a demotion and proceeded to remind me every time wedding stuff came up that it was Sarah's (my sister) job now.
    Now that the wedding planning is in full swing, deposits have been made, the date it set, suddenly she is changing her tune.
    She tells me to my face that she is just a bidesmaid and will do whatever the MOH and my mother tell her to do. But to the rest of the bridal party she (according to them) inserts herself into everything, has tried to actually start planing the shower without talking to the MOH first, and goodness knows what else.
    I should also mention, and I apologize for rambling, my mother does not very much care for my best friend. She and I have had some rough spots in the past, but I love her and couldn't imagine not being friends with her. 
    How do I defuse what I feel is a ticking time bomb. I want my best friend to feel like she gets to participate. But I am so incredibly close to my family that I don't want to take anything away from them. 
    So it seems like you asked this friend to be MOH but then replaced her with your sister.  Is that right?  If that is right then your friend has every right to feel like she got demoted/replaced because that is exactly what happened.

    I think the best solution would have been to have both your sister and your best friend as co-MOHs but that ship has sailed.  At this point you just need to tread lightly.  I think having any kind of talk with your friend is just going to make things worse because there is no nice way of saying "well since you didn't want to be separated from your H and I am now close to my sister then that is why I demoted you" it is just best to let things cool down on their own.

    As for anything going on with the bridal party you need to let them figure it out for themselves. They are all adults and it is best to let them work things out on their own then you trying to step in and manage them like they are children.

    Side note...what the fuck is up with people who just "can't be separated from their SO" when they are both in the wedding?  It is a freaking two second walk up the aisle.  It isn't like they are separated the entire night!
    No kidding. Does she think bridesmaids are required to have sex with their groomsmen counterparts?
    Report Reply
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    zitiqueen said:
    Maggie0829 said:
    JaimeenJosh said:
    I need to start this by saying that I never thought in a million years I would ever be close to my middle sister. Not to go into too much detail but her father is not my biological father and there is a 10 year age gap between us, that coupled with my resentment towards her father and other things led to us having a very difficult relationship. However fast forward to her turning 17, getting her license, and just wanting to be away from our mom for a night led to her and I bonding. Now she is as close to me as we are to our mother. 
    So with that in mind I had for quite some time intended to have my best friend as my MOH. Her husband, though he is one my FI's best friends, is not the Best Man. I knew she felt awkward about not being paired with her husband. Then after a conversation with both my sisters I found out that the youngest did not want the MOH title, and would not be hurt or upset if I chose our sister as MOH. 
    I thought "problem solved", I give my sister, who as I said I had become very close to, a special honor, and my best friend gets to be paired with her husband.
    My best friend decided to take this as a demotion and proceeded to remind me every time wedding stuff came up that it was Sarah's (my sister) job now.
    Now that the wedding planning is in full swing, deposits have been made, the date it set, suddenly she is changing her tune.
    She tells me to my face that she is just a bidesmaid and will do whatever the MOH and my mother tell her to do. But to the rest of the bridal party she (according to them) inserts herself into everything, has tried to actually start planing the shower without talking to the MOH first, and goodness knows what else.
    I should also mention, and I apologize for rambling, my mother does not very much care for my best friend. She and I have had some rough spots in the past, but I love her and couldn't imagine not being friends with her. 
    How do I defuse what I feel is a ticking time bomb. I want my best friend to feel like she gets to participate. But I am so incredibly close to my family that I don't want to take anything away from them. 
    So it seems like you asked this friend to be MOH but then replaced her with your sister.  Is that right?  If that is right then your friend has every right to feel like she got demoted/replaced because that is exactly what happened.

    I think the best solution would have been to have both your sister and your best friend as co-MOHs but that ship has sailed.  At this point you just need to tread lightly.  I think having any kind of talk with your friend is just going to make things worse because there is no nice way of saying "well since you didn't want to be separated from your H and I am now close to my sister then that is why I demoted you" it is just best to let things cool down on their own.

    As for anything going on with the bridal party you need to let them figure it out for themselves. They are all adults and it is best to let them work things out on their own then you trying to step in and manage them like they are children.

    Side note...what the fuck is up with people who just "can't be separated from their SO" when they are both in the wedding?  It is a freaking two second walk up the aisle.  It isn't like they are separated the entire night!
    No kidding. Does she think bridesmaids are required to have sex with their groomsmen counterparts?
    I know a girl who irrationally hates my BFF's cousin because she was MOH, while her now H was BM.  She assumed they slept together because they were MOH and BM, which naturally means she must hate the MOH, even though she hadn't even met her H yet. When I found that out, I joked it must have been a threesome because there were co-Best Men.
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  • Bubblegum5586Bubblegum5586 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    image


    I am having a very hard time getting past the part that your MOH was uncomfortable being paired up with a BM that wasn't her H..... 


    But yea it sounds like you did demote her...
    image


    Anniversary
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  • lovesclimbinglovesclimbing member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    JaimeenJosh said:
    I need to start this by saying that I never thought in a million years I would ever be close to my middle sister. Not to go into too much detail but her father is not my biological father and there is a 10 year age gap between us, that coupled with my resentment towards her father and other things led to us having a very difficult relationship. However fast forward to her turning 17, getting her license, and just wanting to be away from our mom for a night led to her and I bonding. Now she is as close to me as we are to our mother. 
    So with that in mind I had for quite some time intended to have my best friend as my MOH. Her husband, though he is one my FI's best friends, is not the Best Man. I knew she felt awkward about not being paired with her husband. Then after a conversation with both my sisters I found out that the youngest did not want the MOH title, and would not be hurt or upset if I chose our sister as MOH. 
    I thought "problem solved", I give my sister, who as I said I had become very close to, a special honor, and my best friend gets to be paired with her husband.
    My best friend decided to take this as a demotion and proceeded to remind me every time wedding stuff came up that it was Sarah's (my sister) job now.
    Now that the wedding planning is in full swing, deposits have been made, the date it set, suddenly she is changing her tune.
    She tells me to my face that she is just a bidesmaid and will do whatever the MOH and my mother tell her to do. But to the rest of the bridal party she (according to them) inserts herself into everything, has tried to actually start planing the shower without talking to the MOH first, and goodness knows what else.
    I should also mention, and I apologize for rambling, my mother does not very much care for my best friend. She and I have had some rough spots in the past, but I love her and couldn't imagine not being friends with her. 
    How do I defuse what I feel is a ticking time bomb. I want my best friend to feel like she gets to participate. But I am so incredibly close to my family that I don't want to take anything away from them. 
    First bolded: I don't get it. I was the maid of honor for my sister and my husband was a groomsman. That meant I walked with a guy who was not my husband, and my husband walked with a girl who was not his wife. It was a grand total of 45 seconds of holding someone else's arm.  What's the big deal?  I think she needs to suck it up.  It's not like she has to make out with the guy! 

    Second bolded: Well, if you had told your best friend before hand that she was MOH, I'm not surprised that she took it as a demotion. I would have taken it that way as well.

    At this point, I don't really know if there's much you can do.  Maybe make them both MOHs? 
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