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Problems w/ friends (breakup, family estrangement)

Knottie87903485Knottie87903485 member
First Anniversary First Comment
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
Hi Knotties, total newbie here.  I've got two questions.  I tried looking through the boards for the first question but surprisingly didn't see any: What do you do if you're friends with *both* members of a couple that has no broken up?  I love them both and would want both of them to be there.  But it's a small, intimate wedding, and they wouldn't know that many people except each other.  Invites/STDs have not been sent out yet.  Thoughts?

The second question: I'm friends with the mother of a dear friend, but I think they're estranged (at least, I'm pretty sure the dear friend is estranged from the father, who everyone seems to hate).  Can I invite my friend without inviting the mother?  It's a small community and the mother will definitely know about the wedding and will likely be upset if I don't invite her; on the flipside, the mother is really, really hard to get along with/socially awkward, and I definitely don't want to invite the father.  Any advice on how to navigate this or talk to the mother?

Thanks, and sorry if that was overly confusing!
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Re: Problems w/ friends (breakup, family estrangement)

  • Knottie87903485Knottie87903485 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    ("now broken up," not "no broken up")
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  • lyndausvilyndausvi mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    1) invite both. If you feel like there will be issues simply let them know the other invited and you expect them to behave. 

    2) you do not have to invite the mother.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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  • redoryxredoryx member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    edited January 2015

    Invite them both and, if possible, extend a Plus One to both so that they can bring someone along, even if just a friend of the same sex to act as a bit of a buffer if necessary. I'd also let them know you've invited the other person so there aren't any surprises.

    image
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  • jess1669jess1669 member
    Third Anniversary 10 Comments 5 Love Its
    redoryx said:

    Invite them both and, if possible, extend a Plus One to both so that they can bring someone along, even if just a friend of the same sex to act as a bit of a buffer if necessary. I'd also let them know you've invited the other person so there aren't any surprises.

    I totally agree. 

    For your second question, I don't think you should feel obligated to invite the mother, especially since it's a small wedding. I think she would understand.
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  • beachyone15beachyone15 member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    To answer your first question, FOR SURE invite them both. I actually had a very close friend from high school that got married and chose to invite his friend (my ex) and not me. We ran in the same circles so it was really hurtful to feel like I was passed over. His excuse after the wedding was "I didn't want there to be drama or for you to feel uncomfortable". If I would have felt uncomfortable I would have declined the invitation myself. It's something that still hurts to this day.

    So I agree with PPs - invite both and give them a head's up that the other person has been invited too.


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  • downtondivadowntondiva member
    Knottie Warrior 1000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    I think you should invite both friends, but make sure each is aware that the other may/will be there. They are adults and should be the ones to decide what they're comfortable with. 

    I don't know how intimate of a wedding you're talking about, but do try to seat them a decent distance apart, especially if the breakup was nasty. 
    image
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  • flantasticflantastic member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    RE: The friends: As PPs have said, keep them informed and let them make their own adult decision about what to do and how to act like an adult.

    RE: The mom: Don't invite her, and if she gets upset say, "Sorry, we weren't able to invite everyone. This bean dip of yours is awesome!"
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  • Knottie87903485Knottie87903485 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    You guys are so awesome--thank you for your advice!  I'm going to invite both, then, especially since the breakup was very amicable and I think they want to be friends in the long term.  Fingers crossed the mom will be ok--she's um, very sensitive (yikes) but deep down, a lovely person. 
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