Wedding "buffers"

gofundyourself1 · January 2015

Hi TK,

Is there a formal or informally observed "buffer time" between weddings in the same family? i.e. If your or your SO's sibling set a date, at what point before or after would you feel comfortable having yours? I know couples only get one day, but if you have family traveling to both, scheduling it for one week later would seem a little harsh. What do you think is an appropriate wait time, if at all?

My SO's sibling has set a date for a PPD during the general time frame (within a few months) we've talked about getting married, which made me think about it. It probably won't actually ever be an issue for us because we are not engaged yet and don't have a concrete timeline or anything, it just made me curious about others' experiences. Have you run into this? Do other people's (cousins/relatives, close friends) weddings also receive courtesy buffers? Would you give the same buffer time for a PPD as a wedding?

Thanks!

Viczaesar · January 2015

gofundyourself1 said:

Hi TK,

Is there a formal or informally observed "buffer time" between weddings in the same family? i.e. If your or your SO's sibling set a date, at what point before or after would you feel comfortable having yours? I know couples only get one day, but if you have family traveling to both, scheduling it for one week later would seem a little harsh. What do you think is an appropriate wait time, if at all?

My SO's sibling has set a date for a PPD during the general time frame (within a few months) we've talked about getting married, which made me think about it. It probably won't actually ever be an issue for us because we are not engaged yet and don't have a concrete timeline or anything, it just made me curious about others' experiences. Have you run into this? Do other people's (cousins/relatives, close friends) weddings also receive courtesy buffers? Would you give the same buffer time for a PPD as a wedding?

Thanks!

No, there's no formally observed buffer time. It's polite of the parties getting married to keep their guests in mind when setting their date, including other obligations that will also cost the guests time and money to attend, but there is no requirement to do so.

mlg78 · January 2015

We got married 9/21. My husband's cousin got married 12/7. Of all the out of staters on that side of the family (probably 40 were invited) only 3 attended. Perhaps it was due to the holidays but I think it had an impact that they just saw everyone at the wedding 2 1/2 months prior.

mrscomposer · January 2015

My cousin, my sister, and myself all had weddings spaced two months apart (June, August, October), and that worked well. My cousin's was in the central part of the province, my sister was in the south, and I was two provinces over. All of our VIPs made it to all three without any issues.

The only 'courtesy' buffer I'd look for is if you have cross-over within your guest lists (lots of mutual friends, etc). If it's only one or two couples, I'd probably be fine with it. They may choose one or the other, or they may come to both (or neither).

kmmssg · January 2015

I had a daughter and stepdaughter get married within 3 months of each other. DD was 24, SDD was 17 turning 18 and hid her engagement from us for a few months, made plans with her mom, and surprised us. The aunts and cousins are quite generous and had to travel 4 times in 12 weeks for showers and weddings. I heard about it. They all showed up, smiled, and were lovely, the couples never heard a word but I got a 'polite' earful - basically about the SDD's wedding and why she got married so close to her stepsister.

I told our other girls that if they wanted our help they had to have a minimum year between their weddings or we wouldn't be able to help as we with oldest DD.

I really don't care if I have a couple of cousins get married close together, but siblings - I feel a bit differently than most and think you need a little space.

lyndausvi · January 2015

kmmssg said:

I had a daughter and stepdaughter get married within 3 months of each other. DD was 24, SDD was 17 turning 18 and hid her engagement from us for a few months, made plans with her mom, and surprised us. The aunts and cousins are quite generous and had to travel 4 times in 12 weeks for showers and weddings. I heard about it. They all showed up, smiled, and were lovely, the couples never heard a word but I got a 'polite' earful - basically about the SDD's wedding and why she got married so close to her stepsister.

I told our other girls that if they wanted our help they had to have a minimum year between their weddings or we wouldn't be able to help as we with oldest DD.

I really don't care if I have a couple of cousins get married close together, but siblings - I feel a bit differently than most and think you need a little space.

My siblings got married 8 months apart. It wasn't an issue at all. However, my other brother got engaged the day before my sister's wedding (which was the 2nd of the 2). My parents told them if they wanted financial help they had to wait a year.

My brother and SIL were not happy, but fact was my parents lived overseas. Their first grandchild was born 6 months before the first wedding. Between births, christenings, showers, weddings they were just tapped out monetary and vacation wise during a 15 month period of time. They needed a break and time to refill the bank. Apparently they wanted or needed my parents help because they waited 15 months to get married.

Honestly this question varies from couple to couple. I agree with @kmsggs that siblings is a little different than cousins in most families. Some parents contribute financially towards their kid's weddings. Add in travel expenses and having limited time to take off from work, they could have a problem with 2 weddings being so close together. Where as cousins, aunts, uncles sometimes do not always feel the same obligation that parents and sibling would have to attend.

I had cousins siblings get married within a few months (4 months) and it was fine. They were all local to each other we were the OOT ones (via plane). We managed to make both weddings. But we had the finances. Those same cousins would not have been able to afford to attend 2 of our weddings so close together.

huskypuppy14 · January 2015

You can plan your wedding for whenever you want. However, like Kmmssg and Lynda said, if you want monetary help from your parents (and they offer of course) having it so close to a sibling's wedding may reduce or remove their ability to help.

A friend and her sister got married within 6 weeks of each other.

holyguacamole79 · January 2015

My brother's wedding and our wedding were 3 months apart. It was no big deal.

lovesclimbing · January 2015

It depends on your family and what your VIPs say. My two sisters got married five months apart. I never heard of any problems.

I also have two cousins, who are pretty close to each other, get married three days apart. The first cousin got engaged and set a date about 9 months out. The second cousin got engaged a few months later, knew that a bunch of family had to make two plane flights totaling about five hours to get to the wedding city, and decided to set their date for the middle-of-the-week holiday three days after the first cousin's Saturday wedding so family wouldn't have to make two trips up in a short period of time. For them, it worked great.

theartistformerlyknownas · January 2015

My step sister and I got married within 4 months of each other and it wasn't an issue at all, but we each paid for our own weddings and our VIPs all live in-state. If and when your SO proposes, talk it over with your VIPs and take it from there.

dcbride86 · January 2015

If you have a lot of out of town family, I would wait at least 3 months, just because of the cost associated with attending a wedding. Not everyone can afford flights, hotels, etc. in that short time frame. I don't think this is an etiquette thing, it's just logic - if you want everyone to attend, then make it at a good time for everyone to attend. If they just spent $750 flying in for and staying at a hotel for your sisters wedding, they may not be able to do it for yours just a couple weeks later.

short+sassy · January 2015

My siblings got married 8 months apart. It wasn't an issue at all. However, my other brother got engaged the day before my sister's wedding (which was the 2nd of the 2). My parents told them if they wanted financial help they had to wait a year.

My brother and SIL were not happy, but fact was my parents lived overseas. Their first grandchild was born 6 months before the first wedding. Between births, christenings, showers, weddings they were just tapped out monetary and vacation wise during a 15 month period of time. They needed a break and time to refill the bank. Apparently they wanted or needed my parents help because they waited 15 months to get married.

Honestly this question varies from couple to couple. I agree with @kmsggs that siblings is a little different than cousins in most families. Some parents contribute financially towards their kid's weddings. Add in travel expenses and having limited time to take off from work, they could have a problem with 2 weddings being so close together. Where as cousins, aunts, uncles sometimes do not always feel the same obligation that parents and sibling would have to attend.

I had cousins siblings get married within a few months (4 months) and it was fine. They were all local to each other we were the OOT ones (via plane). We managed to make both weddings. But we had the finances. Those same cousins would not have been able to afford to attend 2 of our weddings so close together.

UGH! Well if they weren't happy, they could have paid for their own darn wedding.

I don't blame them for waiting to get financial help, I would have done the same thing. But to have expressed their unhappiness, either through attitude or saying so, is really eye rolling.

frenchiekin · January 2015

We are getting married 3 weeks after FI's cousin. They got engaged a few months before us (August 2013, we got engaged in October 2013) and then they set their date right as we were starting to look for venues. We both wanted the same time of year (early fall) and we both decided on ~2 year engagements for our own reasons. So, we ended up with 9/12/15 and 10/3/15.

FI's parents told us that the only people this would really affect were them and FI's aunt/uncle, and to not worry about choosing a date in the same season. Both weddings are in the same metro area and all family members that will be invited to both live within an hour. I think you just need to consider all of those factors to decide what works for your situation. If lots of travel were involved or FI had a larger overlapping family, it may have become an issue.

dcbride86 · January 2015

frenchiekin said:

We are getting married 3 weeks after FI's cousin. They got engaged a few months before us (August 2013, we got engaged in October 2013) and then they set their date right as we were starting to look for venues. We both wanted the same time of year (early fall) and we both decided on ~2 year engagements for our own reasons. So, we ended up with 9/12/15 and 10/3/15.

FI's parents told us that the only people this would really affect were them and FI's aunt/uncle, and to not worry about choosing a date in the same season. Both weddings are in the same metro area and all family members that will be invited to both live within an hour. I think you just need to consider all of those factors to decide what works for your situation. If lots of travel were involved or FI had a larger overlapping family, it may have become an issue.

Yes, this is what I was trying to say, but I'm all sick and it feels like there are clouds in my head, and your post made way more sense. It's important to think about the your specific circumstances. If all your family is local, there shouldn't be much of an issue. If everyone has to pay for flights and hotels, you might want to push it back.

lyndausvi · January 2015

short+sassy said:

My siblings got married 8 months apart. It wasn't an issue at all. However, my other brother got engaged the day before my sister's wedding (which was the 2nd of the 2). My parents told them if they wanted financial help they had to wait a year.

My brother and SIL were not happy, but fact was my parents lived overseas. Their first grandchild was born 6 months before the first wedding. Between births, christenings, showers, weddings they were just tapped out monetary and vacation wise during a 15 month period of time. They needed a break and time to refill the bank. Apparently they wanted or needed my parents help because they waited 15 months to get married.

Honestly this question varies from couple to couple. I agree with @kmsggs that siblings is a little different than cousins in most families. Some parents contribute financially towards their kid's weddings. Add in travel expenses and having limited time to take off from work, they could have a problem with 2 weddings being so close together. Where as cousins, aunts, uncles sometimes do not always feel the same obligation that parents and sibling would have to attend.

I had cousins siblings get married within a few months (4 months) and it was fine. They were all local to each other we were the OOT ones (via plane). We managed to make both weddings. But we had the finances. Those same cousins would not have been able to afford to attend 2 of our weddings so close together.

UGH! Well if they weren't happy, they could have paid for their own darn wedding.
I don't blame them for waiting to get financial help, I would have done the same thing. But to have expressed their unhappiness, either through attitude or saying so, is really eye rolling.

As time went on it came clear it was totally on par these two.

madamerwin · January 2015

My sister got engaged a month before me, and our weddings are 7 weeks apart this coming summer. Sister was set on having an August wedding (but took a while to set the date), and my FI and I did take that into consideration when picking our date. We do know that some family on the other side of the country may not be able to make it to both weddings, but we're okay with that. I'd say as long as your close family/VIPs are okay with your dates, you're fine.

[Deleted User] · January 2015

kmmssg said:

I had a daughter and stepdaughter get married within 3 months of each other. DD was 24, SDD was 17 turning 18 and hid her engagement from us for a few months, made plans with her mom, and surprised us. The aunts and cousins are quite generous and had to travel 4 times in 12 weeks for showers and weddings. I heard about it. They all showed up, smiled, and were lovely, the couples never heard a word but I got a 'polite' earful - basically about the SDD's wedding and why she got married so close to her stepsister.

I told our other girls that if they wanted our help they had to have a minimum year between their weddings or we wouldn't be able to help as we with oldest DD.

I really don't care if I have a couple of cousins get married close together, but siblings - I feel a bit differently than most and think you need a little space.

I think this is a fair request that if they want the same financial help that you gave to one sibling, they need to give you time between weddings to save up the money for the next one.

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