How best to handle a falling out with my mother

Re: How best to handle a falling out with my mother

• mikenberger member

  

  January 2015

  Staceyncurtis said:

  I have had a rocky relationship with my mother since I was young.  She was emotionally and verbally abusive as well as terribly narcissistic.  On (too) many occasions, I have been the bigger person and forgave her.  I was on non-speaking terms with her after her behavior when my father was gravely ill (they are divorced but she is meddling).  My dad recovered thankfully and she was horrible to me and sent my father a long letter telling him we would all be better if he had died.  My father is a kind and generous man whom I love tremendously!  I didn’t speak to her for over a year!  Once my fiance and I started getting more serious she started to push her way back into my life.  I had a very direct and serious conversation with her letting her know this was her LAST chance and if she went to counseling for her issues (as she said she was already doing) and did not go back to her bad behaviors, I would let her back into my life.

  At first, things were ok.  We got engaged and began trying to plan a wedding we would be paying for.  She then offered to contibute a very respectable amount of money towards the wedding.  I was hoping it was for trying to make good for her past behavior but quickly realized it was so she could show off what she was doing to all her friends (keeping up with the Jones’) Things began to deteriorate from there.  Long story short, we had a bad falling out in December and have not spoken since.  Her negative behavior towards me was witnessed not only by my fiance, but also by my 6yo soon to be step-daughter and my FMIL.  My fiance even tried to talk to her but she doesn’t seem to care and tried to spin it all around.  

  She has only contributed 1/3 of what she promised and we are trying to make this happen as too much money has been invested already and invitations for both the wedding and the bridal shower are already sent out.  We will be able to make the wedding happen but it will max out our credit cards.  My mother has sent a fairly nasty text to my MOH trying to trash me and said since she “made the commitment to do the desserts for the shower”, she “will make good on it.’ Oh and verbally attacked her for putting our registry with the invitation calling it tacky…WTF??? 

  I am not calm enough to speak with her and any written correspondence will be shared with everyone she knows.  My fiance may talk to her, but our largest concern is losing at large chunk of our guest list because she will talk badly about me and try to convince everyone she knows not to go! Not to mention the significant amount of cost we will now have to take on. I was wondering if we should send a note to the guests that are friends with my mother (that I've know most of my life) and let them know that we hope they come despite the falling out between my mother and I.

  Thoughts?......

  I wouldn't reach out to your guests and air your laundry to them. It's none of their business what transpired between your mother and you. Do not send anybody any correspondence about it. And if they don't RSVP, you're saving money!

  
  

  Rule #1 of planning a wedding: Don't spend more than YOU can afford. But wave goodbye to that ship, as it's sailing away. Is there anyway you can cut back? Flowers, food, favors? Anything? Maybe, God forgive me for saying this, cut back on the bar if it's a full open bar? 

  
  

  You don't have to have the wedding she promised you to have. You can have the wedding you can afford, but you have to start acting now if you have any chance at that. 

  
  

  And it's perfectly okay to never speak to your mother again, if you so choose. You don't have to keep anybody that is toxic in your life regardless of whether they birthed you or not. And bless your FI for trying to talk to her, but tell him to knock it off if you want nothing more to do with your mother. He's probably not helping the situation.

  
  

  
  

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• novella1186 member

  

  January 2015

  Staceyncurtis said:

  I have had a rocky relationship with my mother since I was young.  She was emotionally and verbally abusive as well as terribly narcissistic.  On (too) many occasions, I have been the bigger person and forgave her.  I was on non-speaking terms with her after her behavior when my father was gravely ill (they are divorced but she is meddling).  My dad recovered thankfully and she was horrible to me and sent my father a long letter telling him we would all be better if he had died.  My father is a kind and generous man whom I love tremendously!  I didn’t speak to her for over a year!  Once my fiance and I started getting more serious she started to push her way back into my life.  I had a very direct and serious conversation with her letting her know this was her LAST chance and if she went to counseling for her issues (as she said she was already doing) and did not go back to her bad behaviors, I would let her back into my life.

  At first, things were ok.  We got engaged and began trying to plan a wedding we would be paying for.  She then offered to contibute a very respectable amount of money towards the wedding.  I was hoping it was for trying to make good for her past behavior but quickly realized it was so she could show off what she was doing to all her friends (keeping up with the Jones’) Things began to deteriorate from there.  Long story short, we had a bad falling out in December and have not spoken since.  Her negative behavior towards me was witnessed not only by my fiance, but also by my 6yo soon to be step-daughter and my FMIL.  My fiance even tried to talk to her but she doesn’t seem to care and tried to spin it all around.  

  She has only contributed 1/3 of what she promised and we are trying to make this happen as too much money has been invested already and invitations for both the wedding and the bridal shower are already sent out.  We will be able to make the wedding happen but it will max out our credit cards.  My mother has sent a fairly nasty text to my MOH trying to trash me and said since she “made the commitment to do the desserts for the shower”, she “will make good on it.’ Oh and verbally attacked her for putting our registry with the invitation calling it tacky…WTF??? 

  I am not calm enough to speak with her and any written correspondence will be shared with everyone she knows.  My fiance may talk to her, but our largest concern is losing at large chunk of our guest list because she will talk badly about me and try to convince everyone she knows not to go! Not to mention the significant amount of cost we will now have to take on. I was wondering if we should send a note to the guests that are friends with my mother (that I've know most of my life) and let them know that we hope they come despite the falling out between my mother and I.

  Thoughts?......

  You should not have accepted any money from her at all, given how tumultuous things are. And you shouldn't be maxing out all your credit cards. Weddings are not worth going into mountains of debt over. Can you cut corners to be able to afford it without her contribution? Skip favors, downgrade the bar to just beer and wine, do cupcakes instead of a giant fancy cake, etc? 

  
  

  Don't worry about her bad-mouthing you to other people, seriously. She only makes herself look like a petty bitch when she does that. Anyone who actually knows you is not going to be swayed by her shitty comments and childish behavior. If they seriously change their opinion on you based on bullshit she said to them, then they're not really people worth having around anyway IMO. 

  
  

  They are adults. They can make up their own minds about you despite someone else's opinion of you. They have the capability to think for themselves. DO NOT SEND THEM A NOTE. That will put so much fuel on the fire. It will likely get back around to your mother and make her cause all kinds of trouble for you. Plus it could make it seem like YOU are now bad-mouthing HER. That could get really dramatic and bad, really fast, and might make people think less of you if they take it the wrong way. 

  
  

  Let this be. Avoid your mother. She sounds toxic, and you don't need to waste any time or energy on toxic people. It will never get you anywhere. 

  

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• fredburkle member

  

  January 2015

  Staceyncurtis said:

  I have had a rocky relationship with my mother since I was young.  She was emotionally and verbally abusive as well as terribly narcissistic.  On (too) many occasions, I have been the bigger person and forgave her.  I was on non-speaking terms with her after her behavior when my father was gravely ill (they are divorced but she is meddling).  My dad recovered thankfully and she was horrible to me and sent my father a long letter telling him we would all be better if he had died.  My father is a kind and generous man whom I love tremendously!  I didn’t speak to her for over a year!  Once my fiance and I started getting more serious she started to push her way back into my life.  I had a very direct and serious conversation with her letting her know this was her LAST chance and if she went to counseling for her issues (as she said she was already doing) and did not go back to her bad behaviors, I would let her back into my life.

  At first, things were ok.  We got engaged and began trying to plan a wedding we would be paying for.  She then offered to contibute a very respectable amount of money towards the wedding.  I was hoping it was for trying to make good for her past behavior but quickly realized it was so she could show off what she was doing to all her friends (keeping up with the Jones’) Things began to deteriorate from there.  Long story short, we had a bad falling out in December and have not spoken since.  Her negative behavior towards me was witnessed not only by my fiance, but also by my 6yo soon to be step-daughter and my FMIL.  My fiance even tried to talk to her but she doesn’t seem to care and tried to spin it all around.  

  She has only contributed 1/3 of what she promised and we are trying to make this happen as too much money has been invested already and invitations for both the wedding and the bridal shower are already sent out.  We will be able to make the wedding happen but it will max out our credit cards.  My mother has sent a fairly nasty text to my MOH trying to trash me and said since she “made the commitment to do the desserts for the shower”, she “will make good on it.’ Oh and verbally attacked her for putting our registry with the invitation calling it tacky…WTF??? 

  I am not calm enough to speak with her and any written correspondence will be shared with everyone she knows.  My fiance may talk to her, but our largest concern is losing at large chunk of our guest list because she will talk badly about me and try to convince everyone she knows not to go! Not to mention the significant amount of cost we will now have to take on. I was wondering if we should send a note to the guests that are friends with my mother (that I've know most of my life) and let them know that we hope they come despite the falling out between my mother and I.

  Thoughts?......

  I too had a very rocky relationship with my mother (and father) until I cut them out of my life. It's been bliss ever since.

  If I were you I would completely ignore any and all communications from your mother. She sounds horrible. This is supposed to be a happy time in your life and she's going to shit all over it.

  I wouldn't tell your guests what happened unless you're being pushed around. See who RSVPs.  

  And, if it were me, I would cut back wherever I could with costs because the headache of the money your mother is giving you is absolutely not worth it. If you can't cut back or do something simpler, I would absolutely max out my credit cards. Financial independence is worth way more than being tied to someone who is a narcissistic person. And if fewer guests RSVP because of your mother's actions, they probably aren't that good of friends/relatives as you think.

  I'm so sorry this is happening. Hopefully you can find some peace.
  

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• levioosa member

  

  January 2015

  I'm sorry about your tumultuous relationship with your mother.  She sounds a lot like my Grandmother.  I don't speak to her any more because I'm done with the manipulation.  I don't worry about what she says to other people because the truth about how nasty she is always comes out.  I don't need to waste my energy on someone who is so terrible and mean.  It's pretty obvious to everyone that she acts that way.  The same will be true of your mother.  Handling everything with grace will speak volumes to everyone about your maturity and ability to handle stress, versus the petty bad mouthing they will hear from your mom.  Do not send a note to your guests.  If people refuse to attend it will a) make it easier to afford the wedding, and b) make it obvious who is worth keeping around in your life. 
  
  That being said, going into debt for your wedding is not financially wise, nor a good way to start off your marriage.  Do not max out credit cards.  Host what you can afford, without any of your mother's contribution.  Change or cut out flowers, have a partially hosted (aka host only beer/wine with or without a signature drink--NOT a cash bar, where your guests pay for their drinks) or dry wedding, cut down the guest list...these are all things that you can do to save substantial amounts of money and still have a lovely ceremony and reception.  You could also have a cake and punch reception, or a cocktail reception at a non-meal time. 
  
  In addition, it may be hard to hear this, but your mother was right about including registry information with the invitation.  It is against etiquette and rude because it is seen as a gift grabby move.  Gifts are never required or should be expected.   
  
  It might take awhile, but I hope you find peace.  Focus on building your new family with FI.  That's what matters, not your mother's hateful and hurtful words. 
  

  
  

  
  

  

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• NYCMercedes member

  

  January 2015 edited January 2015

  @levioosa‌ The registry info was on the shower invitation, as I read it. OP, posters have given you good advice about not stirring up more shit and cutting back on hosting as much as you can.

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• levioosa member

  

  January 2015

  NYCMercedes said:

  @levioosa‌ The registry info was on the shower invitation, as I read it. OP, posters have given you good advice about not stirring up more shit and cutting back on hosting as much as you can.

  Ah, then I misread it. That's what I get for only sleeping two hours last night. Nevermind OP!  As long as your registry info isn't on the actual wedding invite, you're good! 
  

  
  

  
  

  

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