How to not invite one person's kid

peaches118905 · January 2015

Hi all! I'm in the process of putting the finishing touches on my wedding invites and I've come across a dilemma. one of the guests on the groom's side has a very, very poorly behaved child (we'll call him Bob). At the last couple of events I've been to with Bob he has essentially run amok. He tears down decorations, throws tantrums, hits guests, and generally leaves destruction in his wake. We went to a wedding a few months ago where Bob was allowed to bring a foam sword and nerf gun. He spent most of the wedding (ceremony and reception) shooting people in the face with the nerf darts and alternately hitting everyone with his foam sword. If he was 3 or 4 it'd be more ok , but he's 7 or 8 years old. His parents don't watch him or discipline him. The most I've ever seen was the father saying "Bob stop. Stop. Please stop." over and over again while failing to remove the child from the scene or taking his toys away. Both parents just generally ignore Bob and his antics.

My problem is this, I don't want Bob at my wedding. We have been looking into getting a nanny service to watch all the kids, but it's expensive and I don't want to pen all the kids in one area because one kid is a nuisance. I picked my venue because it's really kid friendly, if the children are well behaved, and could actually be a great experience for them. So my other option is to have my fiance talk to this friend and tell him not to bring his kid. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to deal with this tactfully? Children are welcome, just not this child. I don't want his father to be under the impression kids aren't allowed and then get upset at the wedding when he sees 8-10 other children in attendance. Any help would be greatly appreciated!

lovegood90 · January 2015

You're 100% within your rights to only invite some kids and not others. People usually suggest inviting in circles- are you inviting other children within the same circle? Ie is your friend a work friend and you're inviting children of other work friends? If so their feelings may be hurt.

Most people understand only certain children being invited ie if you're only inviting family children or OOT children.

Once you've figured out the cut off of "circle" you want to stay in, just include your friend and his SO on the invitation and not the child- no need to indicate that he isn't invited. They should get the hint when they see his name isn't on there. If they don't get the hint and they try to RSVP for their kid, have your Fi just call his friend up and say "sorry but we wont be able to accommodate Bob, the invite was only for you and your SO."

mikenberger · January 2015

peaches118905 said:

Hi all! I'm in the process of putting the finishing touches on my wedding invites and I've come across a dilemma. one of the guests on the groom's side has a very, very poorly behaved child (we'll call him Bob). At the last couple of events I've been to with Bob he has essentially run amok. He tears down decorations, throws tantrums, hits guests, and generally leaves destruction in his wake. We went to a wedding a few months ago where Bob was allowed to bring a foam sword and nerf gun. He spent most of the wedding (ceremony and reception) shooting people in the face with the nerf darts and alternately hitting everyone with his foam sword. If he was 3 or 4 it'd be more ok , but he's 7 or 8 years old. His parents don't watch him or discipline him. The most I've ever seen was the father saying "Bob stop. Stop. Please stop." over and over again while failing to remove the child from the scene or taking his toys away. Both parents just generally ignore Bob and his antics.

My problem is this, I don't want Bob at my wedding. We have been looking into getting a nanny service to watch all the kids, but it's expensive and I don't want to pen all the kids in one area because one kid is a nuisance. I picked my venue because it's really kid friendly, if the children are well behaved, and could actually be a great experience for them. So my other option is to have my fiance talk to this friend and tell him not to bring his kid. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to deal with this tactfully? Children are welcome, just not this child. I don't want his father to be under the impression kids aren't allowed and then get upset at the wedding when he sees 8-10 other children in attendance. Any help would be greatly appreciated!

How awful for that boy. He has no structure, rules, boundaries... he has no idea how to behave

that's really sad.

Unfortunately, you cannot keep just Bob off your list because of the reason you just listed. Dad is going to walk into the room and see a bunch of kids and wonder wtf? He'll probably know why, but still, it's really the parents fault why this child doesn't have structure to know how to behave in public -- not Bob's.

What you can do is not invite the children that are not family or not in the bridal party. So "All of the children of my siblings can come." "All the kids in the bridal party can come. And all the kids that are children of my siblings." Or something similar. You can't say "All of the kids except for Bob." And there's no way to tactfully tell his father "I'm sorry, you can't bring Bob because he's a misbehaving, destructive child." Chances are, his father knows.

climbingsingle · January 2015

You're totally fine not inviting every kid to your wedding. We invited only the children we were close with - my cousin's daughters and my H's step-sister's kids.

I think you're going to run into a problem though if Bob is the only kid not invited. Is that the case?

chibiyui · January 2015

Your best bet is to either invite in circles like @lovegood90 said or cut back expected kid invites to family and wedding party only.

kmmssg · January 2015

I have some former friends who have 4 daughters that have been described as demon spawn by any in our social circle. There were 4 of us couples who would get together (they were one of them) along with our children. I finally got fed up and distanced myself from the demon spawn parents because I wasn't going to deal with their children anymore. I also wasn't going to let them get in the way of my relationship with the other 2 couples' children. The other 2 couples made the same decision.

If you aren't going to parent, you might pay the consequences for your actions. Sometimes that is broken friendships, or your child not invited somewhere where other kids are, or someone telling you that your child isn't welcome. Maybe it is time to consider one of those options?

I don't deal with children like Bob.

NYCMercedes · January 2015

Hopefully Bob doesn't have siblings you want to invite, as you can't split a family. Just address the invitation to the parents. You have every right to do this.

You're only talking about 8--10 kids max, so I wouldn't worry about Bob's parents being offended when they see other children at the wedding.

If the parents ask, then they would be exhibiting very bad manners as no one should ever ask for a party invitation. If they get upset, well, maybe they can figure out why Bob was not invited.

Knottie84233908 · January 2015

I have a similar question. We are trying to decide whether to go adults only or not. Pretty small wedding at 40 adults. The only kids that might come would be my two nephews, my uncle's two kids, and my cousin's kids. I'm fine with my nephews and my uncle's kids coming but I don't really want more kids than that. Plus my cousin has three kids that are pretty out of control and I barely know them. Is there a way to invite my nephews and my uncle's kids but not my cousin's or is it better to do no kids?

Jen4948 · January 2015

Don't invite Bob.

lurkergirl · January 2015

Is this a friend or family member? Whichever circle he's in, can you leave out all those kids? So, if he's a friend of the groom, don't invite any of the groom's friends' kids. Bob sounds like a shit!

MairePoppy · January 2015

I agree with kmmssg and Jen4948. Don't invite Bob. If his parents get mad, oh well. I actually wouldn't have a problem telling them the truth if they ask.

Knottie84233908 said:

I have a similar question. We are trying to decide whether to go adults only or not. Pretty small wedding at 40 adults. The only kids that might come would be my two nephews, my uncle's two kids, and my cousin's kids. I'm fine with my nephews and my uncle's kids coming but I don't really want more kids than that. Plus my cousin has three kids that are pretty out of control and I barely know them. Is there a way to invite my nephews and my uncle's kids but not my cousin's or is it better to do no kids?

Kids aren't an all or none deal. What you want to do is called 'inviting in circles' and is perfectly acceptable. So you're good to go. If your cousin adds her kids to her RSVP, call and tell her that you're sorry for the misunderstanding, but the invitation was meant for her and her husband and you can't include the children. Don't make excuses to her because you don't owe her any.

jess1669 · January 2015

Like some other ladies said, just address the invitation to Mr. & Mrs. Don't add "and family." And if they RSVP with Bob, just call and politely tell them that the invite was just for so and so. I think it's perfectly fine to invite some kids and not others. But poor Bob, that's such a shame that he acts that way. Not his fault, but it's like the parents don't care. I would be so embarrassed to be those parents. Hope this helps! Good luck!

[Deleted User] · January 2015

MairePoppy said:

I agree with kmmssg and Jen4948. Don't invite Bob. If his parents get mad, oh well. I actually wouldn't have a problem telling them the truth if they ask.
show previous quotes

Knottie84233908 said:

I have a similar question. We are trying to decide whether to go adults only or not. Pretty small wedding at 40 adults. The only kids that might come would be my two nephews, my uncle's two kids, and my cousin's kids. I'm fine with my nephews and my uncle's kids coming but I don't really want more kids than that. Plus my cousin has three kids that are pretty out of control and I barely know them. Is there a way to invite my nephews and my uncle's kids but not my cousin's or is it better to do no kids?

Kids aren't an all or none deal. What you want to do is called 'inviting in circles' and is perfectly acceptable. So you're good to go. If your cousin adds her kids to her RSVP, call and tell her that you're sorry for the misunderstanding, but the invitation was meant for her and her husband and you can't include the children. Don't make excuses to her because you don't owe her any.

Yes, you can draw the line at nieces/nephews and first cousins. You don't have to invite your cousin's kids, but then you also shouldn't invite your other cousin's kids.

atlastmrsg · January 2015

FFT: Bob's parents, who perhaps don't have the finest manners in the first place to let their kid go wild, check the box next to "RSVP" on the card, send it back, assuming it means all of them. And then they arrive with Bob in tow. What do you plan on doing? This is a legit thing you should think about.

I had a child-free reception. My DOC was instructed to turn away anyone who brought a baby. That's how serious I was. I only had one friend I was worried about. When she tried to include her 4 month old, I had lunch with her, then explained that it was a child-free event. She pleaded how he wouldn't eat anything, so it shouldn't matter. I told her no. But I still had DOC on watch since she's younger and kind of a bratty/entitled. She and her hubby arrived, no baby, but skipped out immediately after dinner to go home. I was really pleased--made me think she'd grown up.

[Deleted User] · January 2015

Obviously, this is irrelevant for your wedding, but for future brides, the exception to any no kid rule is an infant who is being breastfed.

atlastmrsg said:

FFT: Bob's parents, who perhaps don't have the finest manners in the first place to let their kid go wild, check the box next to "RSVP" on the card, send it back, assuming it means all of them. And then they arrive with Bob in tow. What do you plan on doing? This is a legit thing you should think about.

I had a child-free reception. My DOC was instructed to turn away anyone who brought a baby. That's how serious I was. I only had one friend I was worried about. When she tried to include her 4 month old, I had lunch with her, then explained that it was a child-free event. She pleaded how he wouldn't eat anything, so it shouldn't matter. I told her no. But I still had DOC on watch since she's younger and kind of a bratty/entitled. She and her hubby arrived, no baby, but skipped out immediately after dinner to go home. I was really pleased--made me think she'd grown up.

Jen4948 · January 2015

cajitasazules said:
Obviously, this is irrelevant for your wedding, but for future brides, the exception to any no kid rule is an infant who is being breastfed.
show previous quotes

atlastmrsg said:

FFT: Bob's parents, who perhaps don't have the finest manners in the first place to let their kid go wild, check the box next to "RSVP" on the card, send it back, assuming it means all of them. And then they arrive with Bob in tow. What do you plan on doing? This is a legit thing you should think about.

I had a child-free reception. My DOC was instructed to turn away anyone who brought a baby. That's how serious I was. I only had one friend I was worried about. When she tried to include her 4 month old, I had lunch with her, then explained that it was a child-free event. She pleaded how he wouldn't eat anything, so it shouldn't matter. I told her no. But I still had DOC on watch since she's younger and kind of a bratty/entitled. She and her hubby arrived, no baby, but skipped out immediately after dinner to go home. I was really pleased--made me think she'd grown up.

Breastfeeding isn't an exception. There is no rule of etiquette that nursing infants have to be invited or admitted if they were not invited. All that is required of a host when an invited guest has a nursing infant is to graciously accept its mother's declining the invitation if she opts to do that. The mother has two options: to decline the invitation or to make appropriate arrangements for its care without bringing the baby if she wants to accept the invitation. Bringing the baby uninvited and expecting it to be automatically admitted because she is breastfeeding it is not one of her options.

photokitty · January 2015

cajitasazules said:
Obviously, this is irrelevant for your wedding, but for future brides, the exception to any no kid rule is an infant who is being breastfed.
show previous quotes

atlastmrsg said:

FFT: Bob's parents, who perhaps don't have the finest manners in the first place to let their kid go wild, check the box next to "RSVP" on the card, send it back, assuming it means all of them. And then they arrive with Bob in tow. What do you plan on doing? This is a legit thing you should think about.

I had a child-free reception. My DOC was instructed to turn away anyone who brought a baby. That's how serious I was. I only had one friend I was worried about. When she tried to include her 4 month old, I had lunch with her, then explained that it was a child-free event. She pleaded how he wouldn't eat anything, so it shouldn't matter. I told her no. But I still had DOC on watch since she's younger and kind of a bratty/entitled. She and her hubby arrived, no baby, but skipped out immediately after dinner to go home. I was really pleased--made me think she'd grown up.

It is polite to allow breast feeding children, but still not required or necessary. You are never required to make any exceptions if you opt to invite only adults to your wedding...it may result in hurt feelings or declines, but it is still within etiquette.

southernbelle0915 · January 2015

@cajitasazules - No, inviting breastfeeding infants is not required by etiquette. It's a nice thing to do if a couple wants to make an exception, but it's not mandatory or an etiquette rule. An invitation is not a summons. If a breastfeeding mother doesn't want to attend because she can't pump or for any other reason, she can decline.

Anyway, I agree with @MariePoppy. I would not invite Bob and if the parents protest, I'd probably tell them why. I'd also make sure your RSVP are worded so it's clear Bob is not invited (i.e. "2 seats have been reserved in your honor" "please write the name of each guest by meal selection", etc.). That way you can follow up if they add him, which they may do since they seem to have zero social awareness.

frenchiekin · January 2015

I am totally stressed out by Bob. He sounds like the worst. My sister's kids are like that, but to a lesser degree. Made the decision to have a child-free wedding pretty easy (though we had always planned on it - I'm not a total monster just solely trying to exclude my nieces and nephews!)

I agree that I would not invite him, no explanation necessary. Not sure I would feel comfortable giving a reason if his parents pressed for one, but I hate confrontation so hopefully OP handles that one better than I would!

BUT!! But. What if they only RSVP for themselves, but still show up with Bob (since, as PPs have said, they seem to have zero social awareness). At that point, are you SOL? Would you need to just make a place for him, or would it be acceptable to turn them away?

Edited for clarity-

flantastic · January 2015

frenchiekin said:

I am totally stressed out by Bob. He sounds like the worst. My sister's kids are like that, but to a lesser degree. Made the decision to have a child-free wedding pretty easy (though we had always planned on it - I'm not a total monster just solely trying to exclude my nieces and nephews!)

I agree that I would not invite him, no explanation necessary. Not sure I would feel comfortable giving a reason if his parents pressed for one, but I hate confrontation so hopefully OP handles that one better than I would!

BUT!! But. What if they only RSVP for themselves, but still show up with Bob (since, as PPs have said, they seem to have zero social awareness). At that point, are you SOL? Would you need to just make a place for him, or would it be acceptable to turn them away?

Edited for clarity-

It would be acceptable to say (or even better, have the venue's DOC say), "Sorry, but as the invitation was only for Mr. Bob's dad and SO, we do not have a seat or a meal for Bob and we will have to ask you to take him home."

Many people try to make accommodations for crashers to be nice, but it's not required.

[Deleted User] · January 2015

flantastic said:

show previous quotes

frenchiekin said:

I am totally stressed out by Bob. He sounds like the worst. My sister's kids are like that, but to a lesser degree. Made the decision to have a child-free wedding pretty easy (though we had always planned on it - I'm not a total monster just solely trying to exclude my nieces and nephews!)

I agree that I would not invite him, no explanation necessary. Not sure I would feel comfortable giving a reason if his parents pressed for one, but I hate confrontation so hopefully OP handles that one better than I would!

BUT!! But. What if they only RSVP for themselves, but still show up with Bob (since, as PPs have said, they seem to have zero social awareness). At that point, are you SOL? Would you need to just make a place for him, or would it be acceptable to turn them away?

Edited for clarity-

It would be acceptable to say (or even better, have the venue's DOC say), "Sorry, but as the invitation was only for Mr. Bob's dad and SO, we do not have a seat or a meal for Bob and we will have to ask you to take him home."
Many people try to make accommodations for crashers to be nice, but it's not required.

Or, "Since you brought an invited person who does not have a seat or a meal, I'm going to ask you to wait here until everyone else has found their seat. If we have a couple no-shows, we may be able to accommodate you. But if everybody shows up, you'll have to take Bob home."

flantastic · January 2015

adk19 said:

show previous quotes

flantastic said:

frenchiekin said:

I am totally stressed out by Bob. He sounds like the worst. My sister's kids are like that, but to a lesser degree. Made the decision to have a child-free wedding pretty easy (though we had always planned on it - I'm not a total monster just solely trying to exclude my nieces and nephews!)

I agree that I would not invite him, no explanation necessary. Not sure I would feel comfortable giving a reason if his parents pressed for one, but I hate confrontation so hopefully OP handles that one better than I would!

BUT!! But. What if they only RSVP for themselves, but still show up with Bob (since, as PPs have said, they seem to have zero social awareness). At that point, are you SOL? Would you need to just make a place for him, or would it be acceptable to turn them away?

Edited for clarity-

It would be acceptable to say (or even better, have the venue's DOC say), "Sorry, but as the invitation was only for Mr. Bob's dad and SO, we do not have a seat or a meal for Bob and we will have to ask you to take him home."
Many people try to make accommodations for crashers to be nice, but it's not required.

Or, "Since you brought an invited person who does not have a seat or a meal, I'm going to ask you to wait here until everyone else has found their seat. If we have a couple no-shows, we may be able to accommodate you. But if everybody shows up, you'll have to take Bob home."

True, but if the goal is not to have Bob there and Bob was not invited, OP is well within her rights to say off the bat "There is no space for you" even if there may be space.

[Deleted User] · January 2015

flantastic said:

show previous quotes

adk19 said:

flantastic said:

frenchiekin said:

I am totally stressed out by Bob. He sounds like the worst. My sister's kids are like that, but to a lesser degree. Made the decision to have a child-free wedding pretty easy (though we had always planned on it - I'm not a total monster just solely trying to exclude my nieces and nephews!)

I agree that I would not invite him, no explanation necessary. Not sure I would feel comfortable giving a reason if his parents pressed for one, but I hate confrontation so hopefully OP handles that one better than I would!

BUT!! But. What if they only RSVP for themselves, but still show up with Bob (since, as PPs have said, they seem to have zero social awareness). At that point, are you SOL? Would you need to just make a place for him, or would it be acceptable to turn them away?

Edited for clarity-

It would be acceptable to say (or even better, have the venue's DOC say), "Sorry, but as the invitation was only for Mr. Bob's dad and SO, we do not have a seat or a meal for Bob and we will have to ask you to take him home."
Many people try to make accommodations for crashers to be nice, but it's not required.

Or, "Since you brought an invited person who does not have a seat or a meal, I'm going to ask you to wait here until everyone else has found their seat. If we have a couple no-shows, we may be able to accommodate you. But if everybody shows up, you'll have to take Bob home."

True, but if the goal is not to have Bob there and Bob was not invited, OP is well within her rights to say off the bat "There is no space for you" even if there may be space.

Oh, absolutely! And I guess I'm hoping that the socially inept parents might finally feel guilty about their faux pas as they are standing around waiting for spaces to open up for the 3 of them to sit together, realize how terrible their decision was to bring their heathen son to a lovely event, and one of them would take Bob home. I'm hoping embarrassment wins out, but it's probably too much to hope for with these clueless parents.

How to not invite one person's kid

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