I swear my daughter is trying to make me go crazy (VENT)

rockin30ish · January 2015

She's 8 years old. She's stubborn, independent (she thinks), defiant. And with FI out of town, she's worse. I'm going to pull my fucking hair out. One of the Masters at her taekwon do school even talked with her about her behavior at home. She has absolutely no respect for me. She is always in such a good mood until we walk through the door and she has to do homework, do her chores, or do ANYTHING (even stuff she wants to do). And she argues. Oh, does she argue. Even about her punishments. And she only apologizes to try to get out of consequences. Today, I've absolutely had it! I sent her to her room and she started crying and apologizing. Then, when I wouldn't take her apology (I told her that she isn't really sorry, because if she was, she wouldn't continue to behave in such a way.), she got mad and hid from me. At that point I told her she needs to go to her room and then just ignored her until she went.

I swear, she's going to be a hell of a teenager!

loveislouder · January 2015

I have no advice for you because I have no kids of my own, but I know my little sister was a hellion when she was younger so I feel for you.

KatieinBkln · January 2015

Ugh, that's rough.

If it's any consolation, she may actually grow out of this and be a good teenager. I.e. she's getting it out of her system now.

rockin30ish · January 2015

KatieinBkln said:

Ugh, that's rough.

If it's any consolation, she may actually grow out of this and be a good teenager. I.e. she's getting it out of her system now.

That's what I'm hoping. Although, given how I was and how my mother was (as told by my grandma), I'm very doubtful. I'm hoping with FI being a strong fixture in her life (he has gone above and beyond what I ever expected him to do), as well as all the activities she's involved in, she'll straighten up....even just a little.

I try to keep telling myself that she will be an awesome adult because she is already so determined and sure of herself. I just wish she wouldn't practice her assertiveness on me.

BrandNewJ · January 2015

KatieinBkln said:

Ugh, that's rough.

If it's any consolation, she may actually grow out of this and be a good teenager. I.e. she's
getting it out of her system now.

Thag would be great!

I also don't have kids, so I apologize in advance if this comment oversteps. I'm just wondering if you've taken her to a doctor over this? My cousins and I were huge problems in our family. Our parents eventually got us all tested and turns out we all had varying degrees of the same mental health disorders. Once we all started taking our meds (we didnt take the meds and made life hell for our moms when we were teenagers) we all got much much better and easier to handle for all the adults in our lives. In fact, half of us still take those meds on a daily basis.

Who knows? She might also have an undiagnosed disorder.

rockin30ish · January 2015

BrandNewJ said:

KatieinBkln said:

Ugh, that's rough.

If it's any consolation, she may actually grow out of this and be a good teenager. I.e. she's
getting it out of her system now.

Thag would be great!

I also don't have kids, so I apologize in advance if this comment oversteps. I'm just wondering if you've taken her to a doctor over this? My cousins and I were huge problems in our family. Our parents eventually got us all tested and turns out we all had varying degrees of the same mental health disorders. Once we all started taking our meds (we didnt take the meds and made life hell for our moms when we were teenagers) we all got much much better and easier to handle for all the adults in our lives. In fact, half of us still take those meds on a daily basis.

Who knows? She might also have an undiagnosed disorder.

You aren't overstepping. Believe me, I've thought about it. With all the things that people in my family have (my grandpa and myself are the only 2 on my mom's side not on meds for anxiety or bi-polar), I've definitely considered it. She's just too young, imo, to put her on meds like that.

I also think that part of it is pre-pubescent. As young as she is, she's only a year younger that I was when AF started paying me a visit. Other factors are starting to show themselves, too, that are pointing toward that possibility.

And, I know FI leaving has a huge affect on her. He's military, so he's out of town for training, work, deployments. I know that as many times as she goes through it, she still hates it and acts out.

KatieinBkln · January 2015

rockin30ish said:

BrandNewJ said:

KatieinBkln said:

Ugh, that's rough.

If it's any consolation, she may actually grow out of this and be a good teenager. I.e. she's
getting it out of her system now.

Thag would be great!

I also don't have kids, so I apologize in advance if this comment oversteps. I'm just wondering if you've taken her to a doctor over this? My cousins and I were huge problems in our family. Our parents eventually got us all tested and turns out we all had varying degrees of the same mental health disorders. Once we all started taking our meds (we didnt take the meds and made life hell for our moms when we were teenagers) we all got much much better and easier to handle for all the adults in our lives. In fact, half of us still take those meds on a daily basis.

Who knows? She might also have an undiagnosed disorder.

You aren't overstepping. Believe me, I've thought about it. With all the things that people in my family have (my grandpa and myself are the only 2 on my mom's side not on meds for anxiety or bi-polar), I've definitely considered it. She's just too young, imo, to put her on meds like that.
I also think that part of it is pre-pubescent. As young as she is, she's only a year younger that I was when AF started paying me a visit. Other factors are starting to show themselves, too, that are pointing toward that possibility.
And, I know FI leaving has a huge affect on her. He's military, so he's out of town for training, work, deployments. I know that as many times as she goes through it, she still hates it and acts out.

Aw, it sounds like she has a lot going on in her little life! I can't imagine how hard it would be to have my father/father figure leave, especially for deployment. I could be wrong, but I believe at that age kids are starting to understand what things like war and danger are, and their worlds are expanding to the point where they are actually able to imagine what might happen to someone else. It could be scaring the shit out of her.

I wonder if you could have special "just for her" times set aside where the two of you just do something she loves (get a little mani-pedi for kids, go to the Y and swim, go to a restaurant she likes, whatever). It might be nice to offer something that doesn't have any expectations of her--the pressure of schoolwork (which is definitely amping up at her age) and chores and the emotional difficulty of keeping it together when your stepdad is leaving and your body is maybe going nuts with pubescent hormones can be high. Plus, I have seen many a kid with behavioral issues (ex swim instructor here) really blossom when given a small "treat." I think sometimes they get so used to being punished/yelled at that they go into a feedback loop of "I want attention/can't figure out how to express myself, so I act out, and I get in trouble, so I have more feelings I can't express, so I act out" and on and on.

It's all easier said than done, I am sure. I just remember being a kid and just having nowhere to put all the thoughts and feelings I had. I was one to write in a diary and run around outside to deal with those emotions, but I can 100% see why a different kid would resort to acting out.

rockin30ish · January 2015

KatieinBkln said:

rockin30ish said:

BrandNewJ said:

KatieinBkln said:

Ugh, that's rough.

If it's any consolation, she may actually grow out of this and be a good teenager. I.e. she's
getting it out of her system now.

Thag would be great!

I also don't have kids, so I apologize in advance if this comment oversteps. I'm just wondering if you've taken her to a doctor over this? My cousins and I were huge problems in our family. Our parents eventually got us all tested and turns out we all had varying degrees of the same mental health disorders. Once we all started taking our meds (we didnt take the meds and made life hell for our moms when we were teenagers) we all got much much better and easier to handle for all the adults in our lives. In fact, half of us still take those meds on a daily basis.

Who knows? She might also have an undiagnosed disorder.

You aren't overstepping. Believe me, I've thought about it. With all the things that people in my family have (my grandpa and myself are the only 2 on my mom's side not on meds for anxiety or bi-polar), I've definitely considered it. She's just too young, imo, to put her on meds like that.
I also think that part of it is pre-pubescent. As young as she is, she's only a year younger that I was when AF started paying me a visit. Other factors are starting to show themselves, too, that are pointing toward that possibility.
And, I know FI leaving has a huge affect on her. He's military, so he's out of town for training, work, deployments. I know that as many times as she goes through it, she still hates it and acts out.

Aw, it sounds like she has a lot going on in her little life! I can't imagine how hard it would be to have my father/father figure leave, especially for deployment. I could be wrong, but I believe at that age kids are starting to understand what things like war and danger are, and their worlds are expanding to the point where they are actually able to imagine what might happen to someone else. It could be scaring the shit out of her.

I wonder if you could have special "just for her" times set aside where the two of you just do something she loves (get a little mani-pedi for kids, go to the Y and swim, go to a restaurant she likes, whatever). It might be nice to offer something that doesn't have any expectations of her--the pressure of schoolwork (which is definitely amping up at her age) and chores and the emotional difficulty of keeping it together when your stepdad is leaving and your body is maybe going nuts with pubescent hormones can be high. Plus, I have seen many a kid with behavioral issues (ex swim instructor here) really blossom when given a small "treat." I think sometimes they get so used to being punished/yelled at that they go into a feedback loop of "I want attention/can't figure out how to express myself, so I act out, and I get in trouble, so I have more feelings I can't express, so I act out" and on and on.

It's all easier said than done, I am sure. I just remember being a kid and just having nowhere to put all the thoughts and feelings I had. I was one to write in a diary and run around outside to deal with those emotions, but I can 100% see why a different kid would resort to acting out.

Bold: That's how she gets attention from ex and his family. Then gets mad when it doesn't work at home.

She gets those special times with me. I make sure of it. And she gets time with just him, too. (He's not currently deployed, just out of state training.)

I was like you, I would write. But, she hates writing so she acts out. I feel bad because she has to go through a lot of the same things with her dad (my ex) that I did with my dad. She's very hurt by him and is starting to understand that FI is a much better dad. I think she's afraid that he's going to leave her like ex did. But, FI keeps coming home...every time!

rockin30ish · January 2015

And I just want to add... thank you for letting me vent. I don't have many people to rant to. My friends all have families and are dealing with their own crap. And I can't even vent on FB because then I get a million phone calls from family telling me all the things I should be doing (like I haven't tried everything already) or make excuses for her. Yes, she's had a rough few years. Yes, she's upset because FI is gone. Yes, her dad is a dumbass. None of that excuses her behavior. (My family likes to think that because she is the result of a divorced home, she should get away with murder. Haha. Not in my house. I was never allowed to be a hooligan.)

VulgarGirl · January 2015

According to my mother I was a raving bitch at 8. But by 10 I had pretty much chilled out.

I wasn't exactly a good teenager but I was much nicer to my parents and now I basically think they're kick ass and like hanging out with them.

So ya know...it might get better.

lurkergirl · January 2015

Does she have any behavior issues at school? Is she in second grade or third grade?

falsara · January 2015

Sorry to hear about so much frustration. I just want to add, that I'm a military kid myself and my dad being gone was always really hard for me. It's sucks, no matter how much you think you're over it or used to it (general you), that's very far from being the truth. It sucks, and I'm glad to hear that you both are making individual time with her bc it does help a lot. Hugs

IrishPirate60 · January 2015

What about a special project? A camera and a silly toy she can pose all over the neighborhood or to her martial arts class. Then let her put it all together to show your FI what she's been up to.

rockin30ish · January 2015

@lurkergirl Nope, no behavior issues at school, at all. I'm very fortunate that she is usually very well behaved with other people. She's in 3rd grade.

@MagicInk Thank you! You give me hope! lol

@IrishPirate60 We send him pics of the things she does. Thank goodness for technology. It's definitely easier to make him be a part of life at home, even when he's away.

rockin30ish · January 2015

Yes, that's exactly it! As soon as I have to parent, she's a completely different kid. I'm glad I'm not the only one!

debbeau · January 2015

Sounds so familiar. Yup, just say the word no or mention homework and the trouble begins. My daughter is 13. I am thankful it is just at home. Teachers say she is sweet and a rule follower. After she calms down she often feels bad but it happens again. Edited because I put her age in wrong.

I swear my daughter is trying to make me go crazy (VENT)

Re: I swear my daughter is trying to make me go crazy (VENT)

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