Sister and FSIL in bridal party

Re: Sister and FSIL in bridal party

• Jen4948 member

  

  January 2015

  If you really want them in your wedding party, then ask them. If your sister and FSIL would rather not be in your wedding party, they'll say so when you ask them (hopefully). All bridesmaids are required to do is acquire the designated outfit, show up at the wedding in it on time, sober, and in good spirits, go up the aisle during the processional, stand beside you, and walk back down the aisle during the recessional, and pose for some photos. They don't have to throw parties for you, get ready with you, or be seated with you (and you wouldn't seat them away from their partners and children anyway because that's not polite).
  
  But don't make assumptions about what they will or won't be comfortable with based on their family statuses and use those assumptions to avoid asking them when those assumptions may not be valid. Just ask them, give them some time to consider it, and accept their responses, whatever they are.

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• cheeseburgers11 member

  

  January 2015

  Thanks for the input!

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• AddieCake member

  

  January 2015

  If you want them, ask them.

  What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14

  

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• mlg78 member

  

  January 2015

  There's no age limit to being a bridesmaid.  If you love them dearly and want them beside you, just ask.  Your FSIL could also stand on your FI's side as well if he wanted her up with him.

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• esstee33 member

  

  January 2015

  Knottie80928916 said:

  I'm getting married in October and so far I've only asked my MOH because I wasn't sure if I wanted a bridal party or not.  I decided that I did but haven't asked my friends yet because I haven't figured out what to do about my sister and FSIL.  They're both married and in their mid 30s (I'm 26), and I have a great big sis/little sis relationship with both of them in that they give me wedding advice in a "been there done that" way.  Which is different than my friends who either just got married a couple months ago or are not married.

  
  

  I'm not sure whether they would want to be bridesmaids (matrons?) or not.  I'm going to talk to each of them individually but I suppose I was looking for some outside opinions before I did because I'm afraid they won't be honest with me and say they either do or don't want to be in the bridal party based on what they think I want to hear.

  
  

  Obviously I want them in my wedding party because I want them and my guests to know how important they are to me.  But, on the other hand, I think they might enjoy the day more if they were with their families (they both have a toddler and a baby) most of the time and the bridal party some of the time rather than the other way around.  For instance, my ceremony and reception are at a hotel and I'm planning on getting everyone's hair and make up done in my hotel room that afternoon, and although I would be totally fine if they were a part of the bridal party but declined to be a part of the getting ready process I think they would feel obligated to go even though they'd rather go to the salon on their own time (or do their own hair and make up) instead of showing up hours before the whole thing even starts.  Also, I picked bridesmaid dresses out already (Jenny Yoo's Annabelle), and although I know they would look beautiful in them I think they would appreciate picking out their own dresses without regard to color or fabric (since I toyed with the idea of asking all of girls to pick their own dress in a specific color or fabric).

  
  

  Anyway, I know it's not a HUGE deal and either way we will all have a lovely time, just curious what you guys think.

  
  

  Thanks!

  Your reservations about asking them are based almost entirely on your assumptions about what they're going to want, and you can't know any of that for certain. All you can do is ask -- if they say yes, great! I wouldn't worry about them saying yes because they feel obligated. 

  
  

  Are you paying for the dresses? If not, you need to ask each of them their budgets privately before you go picking out dresses that they may or may not be able to afford. 

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• anjemon member

  

  January 2015

  I asked both of my sisters to be bridesmaids. They're both in situations similar to your Sister/SIL. My youngest sister just had a baby this fall (he's 3 months now!) and my middle sister will be having a baby about a month (perhaps a month and a half) before my wedding. And she has a 2 year old. I love them and I want them to be in my wedding. So I asked.

  
  

  But I'm also planning to do everything I can to make the day easier on them. I'm considering hiring a non-family babysitter for the wedding. There's hotel rooms above my venue so someone can watch the babies after they go to sleep. And my sisters can also retire early if they need to. I'm thinking about asking some cousins to hang out during the wedding day to be extra baby hands. Neither of my BIL are part of the wedding party so they can help too.

  
  

  I think if it was on the other foot, I'd be disappointed if neither of my sisters had asked me to be part of their wedding party Especially because they're assuming I didn't want to. And I'd want to do everything I can to support them on their special day. If you don't ask, you don't give them a chance to help you out.

  
  

  TLDR: Give them a chance to tell you what they want. Don't assume opinions for them. If it were me I'd want to be a part of the wedding party.

  

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• rcher912 member

  

  January 2015

  You're sweet and thoughtful for being concerned, and I would share those thoughts with your sisters, but it sounds like they're super important to you and you'd love sharing this all with them. So go for it. You're good.

  
  

  I agree that if it were me, I'd be a little disappointed not to be asked!

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• redoryx member

  

  January 2015

  Knottie80928916 said:

   

  Obviously I want them in my wedding party because I want them and my guests to know how important they are to me.  But, on the other hand, I think they might enjoy the day more if they were with their families (they both have a toddler and a baby) most of the time and the bridal party some of the time rather than the other way around.  For instance, my ceremony and reception are at a hotel and I'm planning on getting everyone's hair and make up done in my hotel room that afternoon, and although I would be totally fine if they were a part of the bridal party but declined to be a part of the getting ready process I think they would feel obligated to go even though they'd rather go to the salon on their own time (or do their own hair and make up) instead of showing up hours before the whole thing even starts.  Also, I picked bridesmaid dresses out already (Jenny Yoo's Annabelle), and although I know they would look beautiful in them I think they would appreciate picking out their own dresses without regard to color or fabric (since I toyed with the idea of asking all of girls to pick their own dress in a specific color or fabric).

   

  
  You don't have a bridal party yet but you've already picked out a $250 dollar dress? Please tell me you're planning on paying for that dress for your bridesmaids.

  

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• Maggie0829 member

  

  January 2015

  redoryx said:

  Knottie80928916 said:

   

  Obviously I want them in my wedding party because I want them and my guests to know how important they are to me.  But, on the other hand, I think they might enjoy the day more if they were with their families (they both have a toddler and a baby) most of the time and the bridal party some of the time rather than the other way around.  For instance, my ceremony and reception are at a hotel and I'm planning on getting everyone's hair and make up done in my hotel room that afternoon, and although I would be totally fine if they were a part of the bridal party but declined to be a part of the getting ready process I think they would feel obligated to go even though they'd rather go to the salon on their own time (or do their own hair and make up) instead of showing up hours before the whole thing even starts.  Also, I picked bridesmaid dresses out already (Jenny Yoo's Annabelle), and although I know they would look beautiful in them I think they would appreciate picking out their own dresses without regard to color or fabric (since I toyed with the idea of asking all of girls to pick their own dress in a specific color or fabric).

   

  
  You don't have a bridal party yet but you've already picked out a $250 dollar dress? Please tell me you're planning on paying for that dress for your bridesmaids.

  Yeah, what is up with this?  You did this backwards.  Unless you are planning on footing the bill for all the dresses, you need to first pick your bridal party.  Then ask each person individually what their budget is for the dress.  And then find a dress within the lowest budget price point.

  
  

  And as for your initial question.  I really think you are over thinking this.  If you want a person or persons to be in your bridal party then just ask them.  Leave it to them to decide if they want to participate.

  
  

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• PrettyGirlLost member

  

  January 2015

  redoryx said:

  Knottie80928916 said:

   

  Obviously I want them in my wedding party because I want them and my guests to know how important they are to me.  But, on the other hand, I think they might enjoy the day more if they were with their families (they both have a toddler and a baby) most of the time and the bridal party some of the time rather than the other way around.  For instance, my ceremony and reception are at a hotel and I'm planning on getting everyone's hair and make up done in my hotel room that afternoon, and although I would be totally fine if they were a part of the bridal party but declined to be a part of the getting ready process I think they would feel obligated to go even though they'd rather go to the salon on their own time (or do their own hair and make up) instead of showing up hours before the whole thing even starts.  Also, I picked bridesmaid dresses out already (Jenny Yoo's Annabelle), and although I know they would look beautiful in them I think they would appreciate picking out their own dresses without regard to color or fabric (since I toyed with the idea of asking all of girls to pick their own dress in a specific color or fabric).

   

  
  You don't have a bridal party yet but you've already picked out a $250 dollar dress? Please tell me you're planning on paying for that dress for your bridesmaids.

  I've been in over 10 weddings. . . no way I'd pay $250 for a BM dress.  No way.
  

  
  "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
  
  

  
  

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• cheeseburgers11 member

  

  January 2015

  @anjemon - Thanks for your input, I was really looking to hear from someone in a similar situation.  The babysitter idea is a good idea that I hadn't considered.

  
  

  I'm not sure why anybody would assume I would be rude enough to ask someone to purchase a $250 bridesmaid dress.  It's etiquette 101.  I put the name of the dress in case anyone who was a similar age had an opinion on if they would wear it or not.

  
  

  Otherwise, I appreciate the comments from everyone.  I'll definitely be asking them both.

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• PrettyGirlLost member

  

  January 2015

  Knottie80928916 said:

  @anjemon - Thanks for your input, I was really looking to hear from someone in a similar situation.  The babysitter idea is a good idea that I hadn't considered.

  
  

  I'm not sure why anybody would assume I would be rude enough to ask someone to purchase a $250 bridesmaid dress.  It's etiquette 101.  I put the name of the dress in case anyone who was a similar age had an opinion on if they would wear it or not.

  
  

  Otherwise, I appreciate the comments from everyone.  I'll definitely be asking them both.

  Because sadly most ppl who post here don't ask their BMs their budget before picking a dress.  Skim through the posts here and you will see.
  

  
  "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
  
  

  
  

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• redoryx member

  

  January 2015

  Knottie80928916 said:

  @anjemon - Thanks for your input, I was really looking to hear from someone in a similar situation.  The babysitter idea is a good idea that I hadn't considered.

  
  

  I'm not sure why anybody would assume I would be rude enough to ask someone to purchase a $250 bridesmaid dress.  It's etiquette 101.  I put the name of the dress in case anyone who was a similar age had an opinion on if they would wear it or not.

  
  

  Otherwise, I appreciate the comments from everyone.  I'll definitely be asking them both.

  Because when a bride comes here and says she has already picked out a specific dress for her BMs it infers that she has already picked out a specific dress for her BMs.

  Seriously. How else are any of us supposed to read that part of your original post?

  

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• cheeseburgers11 member

  

  January 2015

  redoryx said:

  
  

  Knottie80928916 said:

  
  

  @anjemon - Thanks for your input, I was really looking to hear from someone in a similar situation.  The babysitter idea is a good idea that I hadn't considered.

  
  

  I'm not sure why anybody would assume I would be rude enough to ask someone to purchase a $250 bridesmaid dress.  It's etiquette 101.  I put the name of the dress in case anyone who was a similar age had an opinion on if they would wear it or not.

  
  

  Otherwise, I appreciate the comments from everyone.  I'll definitely be asking them both.

  
  

  
  
  Because when a bride comes here and says she has already picked out a specific dress for her BMs it infers that she has already picked out a specific dress for her BMs.

  Seriously. How else are any of us supposed to read that part of your original post?

  I don't understand what you're saying. I didn't imply I picked out my bridesmaid dresses, I explicitly said that I did. So there is nothing to infer. I implied that I paid for them in my reply, but perhaps that wasn't clear. In an effort to end this unnecessary side conversation - I'm paying for everything for all of my bridal party including dress (or suit), hair, make up, jewelry, shoes. I didn't originally include that information because I didn't find it relevant to the topic and I am not looking for any advice or opinions about my budget.

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• PrettyGirlLost member

  

  January 2015

  Knottie80928916 said:

  Knottie80928916 said:

  @anjemon - Thanks for your input, I was really looking to hear from someone in a similar situation.  The babysitter idea is a good idea that I hadn't considered.

  
  

  I'm not sure why anybody would assume I would be rude enough to ask someone to purchase a $250 bridesmaid dress.  It's etiquette 101.  I put the name of the dress in case anyone who was a similar age had an opinion on if they would wear it or not.

  
  

  Otherwise, I appreciate the comments from everyone.  I'll definitely be asking them both.

  Because when a bride comes here and says she has already picked out a specific dress for her BMs it infers that she has already picked out a specific dress for her BMs.

  Seriously. How else are any of us supposed to read that part of your original post?

  I don't understand what you're saying. I didn't imply I picked out my bridesmaid dresses, I explicitly said that I did. So there is nothing to infer. I implied that I paid for them in my reply, but perhaps that wasn't clear. In an effort to end this unnecessary side conversation - I'm paying for everything for all of my bridal party including dress (or suit), hair, make up, jewelry, shoes. I didn't originally include that information because I didn't find it relevant to the topic and I am not looking for any advice or opinions about my budget.

  
  
  
  Let me break this down for you again- When Brides tell us they picked out their BM dresses, that typically means that they just picked a damn dress off of the rack without ever consulting their BM's 1st on their budget.  Which is rude.
  
  So we always tell Brides whom we think might have done this that they need to check with their BMs on budget 1st.
  
  It's actually fantastic that you are paying for your BM's attire and accessories. . . but we didn't know that because you didn't say that.
  

  
  "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
  
  

  
  

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• redoryx member

  

  January 2015

  Knottie80928916 said:

  Knottie80928916 said:

  @anjemon - Thanks for your input, I was really looking to hear from someone in a similar situation.  The babysitter idea is a good idea that I hadn't considered.

  
  

  I'm not sure why anybody would assume I would be rude enough to ask someone to purchase a $250 bridesmaid dress.  It's etiquette 101.  I put the name of the dress in case anyone who was a similar age had an opinion on if they would wear it or not.

  
  

  Otherwise, I appreciate the comments from everyone.  I'll definitely be asking them both.

  Because when a bride comes here and says she has already picked out a specific dress for her BMs it infers that she has already picked out a specific dress for her BMs.

  Seriously. How else are any of us supposed to read that part of your original post?

  I don't understand what you're saying. I didn't imply I picked out my bridesmaid dresses, I explicitly said that I did. So there is nothing to infer. I implied that I paid for them in my reply, but perhaps that wasn't clear. In an effort to end this unnecessary side conversation - I'm paying for everything for all of my bridal party including dress (or suit), hair, make up, jewelry, shoes. I didn't originally include that information because I didn't find it relevant to the topic and I am not looking for any advice or opinions about my budget.

  That is awesome and amazing that you are paying for all of that but, yeah, that wasn't clear at all from your original post or the reply.

  

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