Possible Domestic Abuse - Help

loveislouder · January 2015

TL;DR I cant tell if I'm being paranoid or if Mom is being abused.

My mom called me last night wehn I was at FMIL's and told me she hit her head on the freezer. She had bent over to pick something up that had fallen out of the freezer, and when she stood up she rammed her head into the corner of the freezer door. She said she had been throwing up, had light sensitivity, and she thought her pupils were different sizes. So I sent my older sister over because she was closer, and she was right. Her pupils were very different sizes, and her speech was starting to slur so sister took her to emerg. They immediately did a CT to check for a brain bleed, which there wasn't thank goodness, but that this was a serious concussion and it was odd it came from hitting a head on a freezer.

I was talking to my little sister and she said this was the 3rd concussion mom has had since she started seeing this new guy a couple months back. The first time she fell when they were ice fishing, and the next time she hit her head on the car and she was getting in. After each concussion, she'd end up with a new beautiful piece of jewelry from new guy.

I've met new guy, and honestly I feel like he's a little controlling and I don't particularly care for him, which I've told Mom and she says it's because he's not Dad. But seriously, if they go to the bar together, he won't let her smoke by herself because he's afraid she will find someone better... while she's on the deck for 5 minutes smoking. He has some serious jealousy issues.

This would also be a good time to mention that my mom has a specific truck that follows her. She thought it was following her, so she ran a red light and it ran it too. We haven't been able to report it to police because when we tried, they said they required the license plate number, so we're working on getting it. This only started happening after she started seeing new guy.

I don't know what to do. Am I being paranoid? Do I bring it up? How can I tell if she's defending him because she's afraid of him?

I'm sorry to have to ask this - but if any of you have dealt with a domestic abuse situation before, does anyone have any tips for me?

Thanks guys.

ShesSoCold · January 2015

Wow. This is one hell of a coincidence if it's not abuse. I would try to talk to her about it, as gently as you possibly can. Try to voice your concern for her and not anger towards her boyfriend.

hellosweetie1015 · January 2015

I have no tips for you except to approach it carefully. I'd be afraid that the buttmunch she's dating would closet her away out of "jealousy" to the point that you and your sister cannot see her.

Get that license plate. Is there a way that you/sister could follow the person that's following your mom discreetly? Maybe have her drive somewhere and follow her at a good distance so maybe the truck won't catch on? Of course, that works best if it follows her every time she leaves.

theartistformerlyknownas · January 2015

Another hypothesis... if your mom truly has just become uncharacteristically clumsy all of a sudden, it could be something else - mini strokes that are otherwise going unnoticed, some type of nerve blockage, or an inner ear problem. My mom had some neuralgia going on (which was either the cause or effect of some mini strokes, too) that she found after she kept running into walls as she walked down straight hallways.

If your mom ever feels like she's being followed again, she should proceed directly to the nearest police station.

KatieinBkln · January 2015

Oh my. While of course I can't tell for certain what's happening here, there are a lot of red flags. A guy who is "a little controlling" and "has serious jealousy issues" comes into your mom's life and now she's had 3 concussions in the past "couple of months"?

This seems like a big bucket of NOPE to me.

The first priority here is your mom's safety. Can you and your sister meet up with her and voice your concerns? It's possible she'll deny it even if this is happening, but if you and your sister both reiterate that you love her and will always be there for her no matter what, will never say "I told you so," etc., then she may come to you later. I might also offer to give her information on anonymous local services (check your local listings for help lines and shelters--even if your mom doesn't find herself needing an actual shelter, they are always good resources). I would not necessarily give her anything printed, because it would not be good to leave that lying around where New Guy can see it.

Honestly this is really scary to me. Has your mother gone to the hospital for all 3 concussions? It wouldn't surprise me if the hospital itself sent a social worker to follow up, although that depends on your area/the hospital in question/other factors.

Even if these knocks on the head are NOT the work of the creepy new boyfriend, I still think it's worrying. Has your mom always been clumsy? If not, then this sudden change in coordination could actually mean something medical is going on, so if she insists BF is cool I think the next step would be to encourage her to see her doctor and get screened for disorders that can affect coordination.

As for what to do if she denies anything untoward and things check out medically? I am not sure, but ideally it would be smart to make sure your mom isn't alone very often. Invite her out to do mother-daughter stuff, and invite yourself to things with him--insist that you have to meet the guy she's told you so much about. Then watch that motherfucker. Stare him down. Is your FI a big dude? Even if he's not, bring him along. Have him go out of his way to be kind to your mom and show that he's a man in her life who gives a shit about her. (Not that it should matter, but men who abuse women are the type of men likely to buy into that macho shit).

I am sorry. If you end up finding out that he is responsible, try your best to get your mom out of that situation--even if it means having her live with you/your sister for a while and getting a restraining order.

Tl;dr: I'd be worried too. This all reads like major red flags to me.

amelisha · January 2015

No one here can say, obviously...but from the outside this does not look good if the facts are exactly as you've explained them.

I don't know what kind of advice to give you, honestly, but I'm sorry if this is indeed happening and I do think you should be concerned. I know women in these situations often don't admit there is a problem even to themselves so it can be very difficult to get them help from the outside, but I think you would be within the scope of a caring daughter to say "Mom, I am concerned about you in this relationship and I want you to know that I love you and will help you if you are in any kind of danger," or whatever. I don't know what you should say or do, but I do think this is NOT a case of "mind your own business."

pinkcow13 · January 2015

Oh wow. I too think that this is a huge coincidence. If your mom is not normally the clumsy type, I think it is a pretty big coincidence that she has had 3 concussions since she started seeing this guy. Especially since you do see that he has controlling tendencies. How close is your relationship with your mom? I would definitely try to talk to her gently and rationally, and see if she will open up. I don't have experience with this, so I do not have much more advice. I do really hope that this is just a coincidence and that it is not something worse.

What does your sister think? Does your little sister live with your mom?

wandajune6 · January 2015

I would be very concerned about it being abuse. I don't have any good advice about how to approach the subject with her. You need to be careful not to get her on the defensive while making sure that she knows that she has a support system if she walks away.

That said, if you find that it's not abuse, I'd be sure to have her checked for neurological issues. If she's in fact accident-prone, there could be a medical reason.

Best wishes for your family.

novella1186 · January 2015

I agree with lolo, it could be from other causes. But it does sound very suspicious, especially with the jealousy and control issues.

That was what my abusive psycho boyfriend was all about-- jealousy and control. I will warn you, when people asked me point-blank if I was being abused, I either lied or downplayed it. To this day hardly anyone knows how bad things were because in the beginning I was making excuses for him. Towards the end I was way too humiliated to admit that I was letting that happen to me.

So approach the topic very gently. If she's at the point where she'll cover for him and make excuses, she may also push you away rather than confront the abuse. And if he gets wind that you're against him, he'll put a wedge between you and your mom to isolate her from anyone who has her best interest in mind (i.e. getting her away from him if he is abusive). Once he isolates her, it will be up to her to come to you for help on her own, and usually things have to be drastically worse to get to that point.

I didn't get out till my boyfriend tried to kill me. I'm not trying to scare you at all. It really might just be a series of very clumsy accidents, or some other health issue. My point is, if it is abuse, you can't just go in with guns blazing, and you can't necessarily be as straight-forward with it as you would like to be/would be normal. It's a tricky game. I really hope she's ok.

loveislouder · January 2015

I actually started worrying about her a while back and asked her doc to send her for a brain scan because I thought she had a brain tumor (I may or may not have posted about that before... I don't remember) and it came back fine. We have one more test to do for an inner ear tumor, which would fuck with her balance and explain some things. She only went to the hospital for this one because it was obvious it could have been REALLY bad. The other two were very mild concussions.

As for the truck, Mom and I live on the same street so I told her next time to give me a call and drive past my house so I can come outside and get the plate, as there are no police stations around us. I actually can't think of the closest police station to us. Our local one just closed down.

KatieinBkln · January 2015

KatieinBkln said:

Oh my. While of course I can't tell for certain what's happening here, there are a lot of red flags. A guy who is "a little controlling" and "has serious jealousy issues" comes into your mom's life and now she's had 3 concussions in the past "couple of months"?

This seems like a big bucket of NOPE to me.

The first priority here is your mom's safety. Can you and your sister meet up with her and voice your concerns? It's possible she'll deny it even if this is happening, but if you and your sister both reiterate that you love her and will always be there for her no matter what, will never say "I told you so," etc., then she may come to you later. I might also offer to give her information on anonymous local services (check your local listings for help lines and shelters--even if your mom doesn't find herself needing an actual shelter, they are always good resources). I would not necessarily give her anything printed, because it would not be good to leave that lying around where New Guy can see it.

Honestly this is really scary to me. Has your mother gone to the hospital for all 3 concussions? It wouldn't surprise me if the hospital itself sent a social worker to follow up, although that depends on your area/the hospital in question/other factors.

Even if these knocks on the head are NOT the work of the creepy new boyfriend, I still think it's worrying. Has your mom always been clumsy? If not, then this sudden change in coordination could actually mean something medical is going on, so if she insists BF is cool I think the next step would be to encourage her to see her doctor and get screened for disorders that can affect coordination.

As for what to do if she denies anything untoward and things check out medically? I am not sure, but ideally it would be smart to make sure your mom isn't alone very often. Invite her out to do mother-daughter stuff, and invite yourself to things with him--insist that you have to meet the guy she's told you so much about. Then watch that motherfucker. Stare him down. Is your FI a big dude? Even if he's not, bring him along. Have him go out of his way to be kind to your mom and show that he's a man in her life who gives a shit about her. (Not that it should matter, but men who abuse women are the type of men likely to buy into that macho shit).

I am sorry. If you end up finding out that he is responsible, try your best to get your mom out of that situation--even if it means having her live with you/your sister for a while and getting a restraining order.

Tl;dr: I'd be worried too. This all reads like major red flags to me.

Ok, after reading some PPs I might rescind the "stare him down" advice--it wouldn't be great if he decides you're a threat to his relationship and starts isolating your mom.

I do still recommend being an active presence in her life, though.

lyndausvi · January 2015

Wow, I'm so sorry to hear about your mom. I would be drilling your sister if she knows anything. I would be suggesting a full physical. 3 concussions in a short period of time is not normal, even for a football player who gets hit often. You (general you) need to get to the bottom of this.

theartistformerlyknownas · January 2015

loveislouder said:

I actually started worrying about her a while back and asked her doc to send her for a brain scan because I thought she had a brain tumor (I may or may not have posted about that before... I don't remember) and it came back fine. We have one more test to do for an inner ear tumor, which would fuck with her balance and explain some things. She only went to the hospital for this one because it was obvious it could have been REALLY bad. The other two were very mild concussions.

As for the truck, Mom and I live on the same street so I told her next time to give me a call and drive past my house so I can come outside and get the plate, as there are no police stations around us. I actually can't think of the closest police station to us. Our local one just closed down.

She could probably also go to a fire department or emergency room - good chance of running into a cop there, or at least people with easy access to cops, and definitely enough people around that she should feel safe. But driving by your house is a good idea.

(Or donut shop.

KIDDING!)

Chipmunk415 · January 2015

I haven't been in the situation myself. However if your gut is telling you something is up, I would act on it. Tell your mom you are concerned for her well being after 3 concussions. If feasible, maybe arrange for some mother daughter time with you, your sisters, and her, perhaps have her over for a visit/long weekend?

I would not open with this guy is bad news/dump him/etc. But say youve noticed a bit of a pattern, you love her and want to make sure she knows she can tell you anything about this relationship without judgment, you are there for her, etc. If during your time together, this guy keeps calling/intruding, gently comment on it to her.

Depending on your mothers age, you could also call your states dept of elder affairs and report suspected elder abuse. Sadly, such abuse can occur at any age.

Good luck. Hope she's ok.

loveislouder · January 2015

Chipmunk415 said:

I haven't been in the situation myself. However if your gut is telling you something is up, I would act on it. Tell your mom you are concerned for her well being after 3 concussions. If feasible, maybe arrange for some mother daughter time with you, your sisters, and her, perhaps have her over for a visit/long weekend? I would not open with this guy is bad news/dump him/etc. But say youve noticed a bit of a pattern, you love her and want to make sure she knows she can tell you anything about this relationship without judgment, you are there for her, etc. If during your time together, this guy keeps calling/intruding, gently comment on it to her. Depending on your mothers age, you could also call your states dept of elder affairs and report suspected elder abuse. Sadly, such abuse can occur at any age. Good luck. Hope she's ok.

My mom is still a youngin - she turned 49 on Saturday.

novella1186 · January 2015

Maybe give her doctor a call and voice your concerns. If he has all 3 of her concussions on record, I'm sure he'll be concerned too. Maybe he can keep an eye out for future injuries, and call the right people to intervene if she shows up in the hospital again with another suspicious injury.

In the meantime, I think it's a good idea to spend a lot of time with your mom. Stay close. Spend time with her boyfriend too. Say you just HAVE to get to know him because anyone who's important to your mom is important to you! Be kind to him, stay on his good side, and observe him. Never let on that you're suspicious. See if you spot more red flags.

My cousins met my psycho ex once while we were dating, and after about 10 seconds they pulled me aside and told me they hated him because he was an asshole and I needed to dump him. The people close to you can spot it right away. They don't have to see him punch you in the face to know he's bad news.

If you don't like what you observe, talk to your mom in private. And as I said before, approach the subject very gently.

classicalandedgy · January 2015

No one can really know for sure what is going on. Having her medically checked out is good advice and there has been some great advice on here, I happen to work with the abuser population, and it can be a very tricky and dangerous thing to navigate. Most towns/states have a domestic violence hotline, I would advise you to call in and have a frank discussion with them regarding your suspicions and possible ways to intervene, laws in your state for stalking (because the car following her sound just like that).

After calling the hotline, hopefully you can have a frank discussion with your mom. If she denies, don't press because it can alienate her from you, especially if she tells the BF and he truly is abusive.

If for some reason your mom winds up injured again, I'd go to the Dr. with her. I would take him aside privately and inform him of your suspicions and the documented injuries, depending on your mothers age (I'm not sure if she would be considered elderly, mine would be in my state at 65), the hospital itself may intervene with a social worker. This also varies by state, so I would definitely start by calling the hotline. They will be able to give you the best advice as it pertains to your state.

I'm hoping this is just a string of bad coincidences, and ultimately your mom is ok.

loveislouder · January 2015

So... because her concussion is so bad she isn't allowed to be alone. I'm bringing her to my place tonight and since she's not allowed to watch TV, we'll have a nice, calm chat about new guy and see what happened. I'll see if she will talk to me.

novella1186 · January 2015

Best of luck! Feel free to PM me if there's anything I can help with. Not that I'm a pro in this area, but I understand the mindset a little bit of being the person who's taking the abuse since unfortunately I've been there. and I'm always more than happy to do whatever I can to help someone else in that situation.

larrygaga · January 2015

Please remember to encourage her to go to the hospital if she gets hurt again. If it is abuse it's easier to press charges with proof from a doctor's note.

blabla89 · January 2015

loveislouder said:

So... because her concussion is so bad she isn't allowed to be alone. I'm bringing her to my place tonight and since she's not allowed to watch TV, we'll have a nice, calm chat about new guy and see what happened. I'll see if she will talk to me.

It sounds like you're doing exactly the right things for her. Sending prayers and good vibes for your chat to go well.

paperpusher · January 2015

Oh my. There are quite a lot of red flags there. Advice from previous PPs sounds good. Don't push too hard, she might feel alienated or embarrassed. Good luck with your talk.

rcher912 · January 2015

Good luck, @loveislouder. That is definitely an unsettling set of coincidences. I'm glad you're able to spend some quality, non-tv time with your mom.

I would definitely be careful around this dude, and if you think you can out-intimidate him, I say go for it. That can be dangerous, but there are definitely some abusers who just are stupid and don't realize how sinister their actions are. (@novella1186, so so sorry to hear about your past, that sounds so traumatizing. I'm so glad you're OK now) - which leads me to repeat myself - please be careful. It also depends on how deep your mom is entrenched in this relationship.

ugh, I really hope you're both OK and this is just a really weird set of coincidences.

loveislouder · January 2015

So... I just took her home. Forthose who have never had a bad concussion, it's shitty. You feel nauseous for like, 48 hours straight. I had her she's me show she hit her head and the bruises on her head mesh with the width of the door handle, so I'll give her that one. As for my concerns about new guys, she was adamant he didn't hurt her, and I believe her right now. If anything else happens, I will absolutely revisit the situation. I'm keeping my eye out. Thanks for all the support guys. You're the best. ETA: this no paragraph business makes me ragey.

mlg78 · January 2015

I worked with DV victims for about ten years. Have you looked him up in local court records to see if he has anything in his past? I agree with talking to her doctor as well. What was her reaction when you brought up your concerns? Shock that you would think that? Very defensive? Has your mom ever been in a similar situation before? She's lucky she has you...

KatieinBkln · January 2015

loveislouder said:

So... I just took her home. Forthose who have never had a bad concussion, it's shitty. You feel nauseous for like, 48 hours straight. I had her she's me show she hit her head and the bruises on her head mesh with the width of the door handle, so I'll give her that one. As for my concerns about new guys, she was adamant he didn't hurt her, and I believe her right now. If anything else happens, I will absolutely revisit the situation. I'm keeping my eye out. Thanks for all the support guys. You're the best. ETA: this no paragraph business makes me ragey.

I'm glad if it really isn't him! This does seem to mean it's time to look into that possible inner ear issue though.

larrygaga · January 2015

Okay so how old is your mom? Is she falling a lot and hitting other things? Could this be a medical issue?

Falling a lot and suddenly hitting yourself on things can be a big red flag for underlying medical issues that might not have obvious symptoms. I say take her to a doctor and see what they say about her knocking herself on things. Get her tested for some stuff.

Maybe she's not sleeping enough, maybe it's anxiety and maybe she's stressed. Maybe it's dementia, diabetes, CVA, a heart condition, epilepsy or some other crazy shit. I'm just saying when people begin to suddenly lose track or focus as they age it can mean they have something diagnosed and untreated. Maybe she had a sudden back spasm and jerked upwards.

And maybe it's nothing. Preventing is better than treating. Not to scare you more, lord knows you don't need that.

melbenso · January 2015

I am an attorney who, as a part of my job, represents DV victims and survivors. And I agree, what you are seeing is suspicious, but not dispositive in and of itself. Have you met this guy? Is he controlling of your mother otherwise? Does he limit her contact with other people? Does he limit her access to money? If you have concerns that your mother is being abused, I suggest you contact your local domestic violence shelter and talk to an advocate about what you can do to help her and determine if your concerns are real. Here is a little more info on warning signs, etc.:

Jen4948 · January 2015

Thank goodness there wasn't any internal bleeding, but whether or not your mother is being abused by her BF, that's very scary. I'd definitely do a background check on him.

One thing you did mention is that your mom smokes, and I am wondering if that could have contributed to any medical issues related to the concussions. I know nobody likes to be told to stop smoking, but it would most likely be beneficial all the way around to her (and one less thing her BF can control) if she were to stop.

JaniV123 · January 2015

loveislouder said:

TL;DR I cant tell if I'm being paranoid or if Mom is being abused.

My mom called me last night wehn I was at FMIL's and told me she hit her head on the freezer. She had bent over to pick something up that had fallen out of the freezer, and when she stood up she rammed her head into the corner of the freezer door. She said she had been throwing up, had light sensitivity, and she thought her pupils were different sizes. So I sent my older sister over because she was closer, and she was right. Her pupils were very different sizes, and her speech was starting to slur so sister took her to emerg. They immediately did a CT to check for a brain bleed, which there wasn't thank goodness, but that this was a serious concussion and it was odd it came from hitting a head on a freezer.

I was talking to my little sister and she said this was the 3rd concussion mom has had since she started seeing this new guy a couple months back. The first time she fell when they were ice fishing, and the next time she hit her head on the car and she was getting in. After each concussion, she'd end up with a new beautiful piece of jewelry from new guy.

I've met new guy, and honestly I feel like he's a little controlling and I don't particularly care for him, which I've told Mom and she says it's because he's not Dad. But seriously, if they go to the bar together, he won't let her smoke by herself because he's afraid she will find someone better... while she's on the deck for 5 minutes smoking. He has some serious jealousy issues.

This would also be a good time to mention that my mom has a specific truck that follows her. She thought it was following her, so she ran a red light and it ran it too. We haven't been able to report it to police because when we tried, they said they required the license plate number, so we're working on getting it. This only started happening after she started seeing new guy.

I don't know what to do. Am I being paranoid? Do I bring it up? How can I tell if she's defending him because she's afraid of him?

I'm sorry to have to ask this - but if any of you have dealt with a domestic abuse situation before, does anyone have any tips for me?

Thanks guys.

That does sound like possible abuse. I am on the same boat with my mom only I don't think he has physically hurt her yet. I have talked to her numerous times, and so have her friends, and she keeps defending and excusing him. And it pains me to say this but only she can make the decision to respect herself and leave him. No matter how hard we try. I have cried endlessly for the past 2 years over this and she is stil making excuses for him taking her money, treater her like shit and emotionally/psychologically abusing her. From what she has told my neighbor/ her best friend it seems he has "raped" her at instances but she can't see it either. Anything you need PM me, this is a hard situation for everyone.

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