A Wedding Re-do, how do I tell the wedding party we are changing everything...including them!

Re: A Wedding Re-do, how do I tell the wedding party we are changing everything...including them!

• MobKaz member

  

  January 2015

  Knottie15079655 said:

  My fiance and I were originally planning on getting married last year but things happened and we decided to postpone the wedding. Originally we were planning on having 3 groomsmen and 3 bridesmaids. Now the wedding is back in planning mode but we have decided to change everything about. Since the original wedding we have both decided that we only want a maid of honor and a best man, the best man will not be the one from the original wedding. How do we tell them that we want to change the whole thing with no hard feelings? I fully believe the original wedding was cursed because so much stuff went wrong and want it totally different this time.

  There really is no way to tell your wedding party they are no longer needed, and some are being replaced.  Why can't you just keep your wedding party?  It is a small group.  Starting this "new" wedding planning by making a hurtful request is wrong.  I thought you wanted to avoid the "wrong stuff"?
  

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• manateehugger member

  

  January 2015

  Knottie15079655 said:

  My fiance and I were originally planning on getting married last year but things happened and we decided to postpone the wedding. Originally we were planning on having 3 groomsmen and 3 bridesmaids. Now the wedding is back in planning mode but we have decided to change everything about. Since the original wedding we have both decided that we only want a maid of honor and a best man, the best man will not be the one from the original wedding. How do we tell them that we want to change the whole thing with no hard feelings? I fully believe the original wedding was cursed because so much stuff went wrong and want it totally different this time.

  Honestly, I think you're going to hurt feelings no matter what you do. Especially if the only reason you have is because you think the first go around was cursed AND because you're keeping the BM and MOH. I'd feel differently if you had decided to elope, but you aren't. You've just decided that 4 of your closest friends were part of your wedding curse (ouch).  

  Is there a reason having a smaller wedding party is more important beyond just your new vision? I'm in the camp that unasking wedding party members is almost always a slap in the face, and I'm not sure that your scenario is an exception.
  

  

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• redoryx member

  

  January 2015

  Yeah, there's really no polite way to tell the people at one time you considered your nearest and dearest that you thought your first wedding was cursed and since they were part of that you're just not going to include them this time around.

  

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• fwtx5815 member

  

  January 2015

  It sounds like you're letting superstitiousness get in the way of politeness and being a decent friend. Your marriage won't fail because of who stood next to you when you became husband and wife.

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   fka dallasbetch 

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

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• jelly1313 member

  

  January 2015

  Its not that I think they are cursed. Its more that I want it to be a lot smaller this time around. And since the original date we have had falling outs with some of these friends. I thought instead of replacing them we could just tell them we have decided to go smaller this time. Funny enough this was my original idea but one of the BM just assumed she was in my wedding and I didn't know how to tell her I only wanted my maid of honor

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• manateehugger member

  

  January 2015

  Knottie15079655 said:

  Its not that I think they are cursed. Its more that I want it to be a lot smaller this time around. And since the original date we have had falling outs with some of these friends. I thought instead of replacing them we could just tell them we have decided to go smaller this time. Funny enough this was my original idea but one of the BM just assumed she was in my wedding and I didn't know how to tell her I only wanted my maid of honor

  If you once told these people they were in the wedding party (including the annoying girl that pushed her way in  - you should have shut her down in the beginning, but if you ran with it, that's on you), they need to still be in the wedding party.

  If you had a falling out, I'd assume they'd tell you they no longer want to be in the wedding if they feel that way. Otherwise, you're ending the relationships permanently. Unless these people are attempting to harm your relationship or your emotional and physical well-being, you need to follow through or risk being an asshole. These are people, not replaceable parts in a play.
  

  

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• jelly1313 member

  

  January 2015

  I would like to point out that the ex Best Man did try to ruin the wedding. Hence the Ex. So I am not a complete asshole, just like 75%.

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• MobKaz member

  

  January 2015

  Knottie15079655 said:

  I would like to point out that the ex Best Man did try to ruin the wedding. Hence the Ex. So I am not a complete asshole, just like 75%.

  How did he try to "ruin" the wedding if it was still in the planning stages?  Honestly, it sounds as if you rushed your wedding party selection, have had a change of heart, and are trying to use this "new wedding" as an excuse to replace them all.  Is your FI still friends with his BM?  Oops......sounds like you've already kicked him out.  How did that go?  I am also curious......is replacing all the men your idea?  What does your FI say about all this?
  

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• manateehugger member

  

  January 2015

  Knottie15079655 said:

  I would like to point out that the ex Best Man did try to ruin the wedding. Hence the Ex. So I am not a complete asshole, just like 75%.

  How so? Because honestly, I feel like if someone truly tried to ruin my wedding (because ruining a wedding is hard to do, short of killing someone, sleeping with the bride or groom, planning to assault people, stealing your bank funds, or something similar) I would probably have cut off contact with the person all together, making your question a no-brainer. So I'm generally confused at why you posted here except to get validation to do something you know is a dick move.
  

  

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• rcher912 member

  

  January 2015

  Knottie15079655 said:

  I would like to point out that the ex Best Man did try to ruin the wedding. Hence the Ex. So I am not a complete asshole, just like 75%.

  hahahaha, I love this. It reminds me of that scene in Guardians of the Galaxy when Chris Pratt's character relays to the alien that he's "an asshole, but he's not 100% dick".

  
  

  As for the majority of the party, I think there's no way getting around really hurting these friendships. Clearly, though, there are aspects of the situation being withheld (which is fine! that's not a criticism), and I would say that if the bridges are burned and you're willing to risk that (as with this ex-Best Man) then "going smaller" seems like the least drama-inducing way to do it.

  
  

  But be very, very careful. What you're doing is not super-polite and won't be taken well by most. Since it sounds like last year's plans went haywire, though, you may be up for completely blowing up those plans once and for all.

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• lyndausvi mod

  

  January 2015

  I'm going to disagree here a little with some of the PPs.   If the original plans were totally scrap and not just postponed and no one bought attire and stuff,  then I think you can start over with a much smaller/different WP.

  
  

  
  

  
  

  But like everything, actions have consequences.    Even if your actions fall under the "okay" realm, doesn't mean there will not be any hurt feelings.  Only  you can decide if those consequences are worth it or not.

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  

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• ohannabelle member

  

  January 2015

  
  

  Knottie15079655 said:

  I would like to point out that the ex Best Man did try to ruin the wedding. Hence the Ex. So I am not a complete asshole, just like 75%.

  I just really want to hear this story. Why lie? Everybody else can sort out the etiquette. I want the dirt on the best man.

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• CMGragain member

  

  January 2015

  lyndausvi said:

  I'm going to disagree here a little with some of the PPs.   If the original plans were totally scrap and not just postponed and no one bought attire and stuff,  then I think you can start over with a much smaller/different WP.

  
  

  But like everything, actions have consequences.    Even if your actions fall under the "okay" realm, doesn't mean there will not be any hurt feelings.  Only  you can decide if those consequences are worth it or not.

  
  

  
  

  
  

  Your new wedding plans are not related to your cancelled wedding plans.  It is an entirely new event.
  Tell your friend that your are scaling back your wedding plans this time around, and that you will only have one attendant, but that you hope she will come as an honored guest.  You do need to invite her.
  As for the former Best Man, leave that to your FI.  It isn't your job to tell him.
  
  
  

  

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• novella1186 member

  

  January 2015

  ohannabelle said:

  
  

  Knottie15079655 said:

  I would like to point out that the ex Best Man did try to ruin the wedding. Hence the Ex. So I am not a complete asshole, just like 75%.

  I just really want to hear this story. Why lie? Everybody else can sort out the etiquette. I want the dirt on the best man.

  Ditto! I'm very curious to know what he did. And if the bridges are already burned with the Best Man for this behavior, then you don't need to worry about keeping him in your WP anyway. 

  

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