Mother of groom inviting people to MY shower??

Re: Mother of groom inviting people to MY shower??

• mikenberger member

  

  January 2015 edited January 2015

  quirkybride15 said:

  Hey all... My bridesmaids are throwing me a shower and they asked me to provide a list of guests. I invited only my close female friends, which is not a lot. My sister/bridesmaid who is hosting is doing all of this at her own expense and the shower will be at her house. 

  
  

  When my fiance's mother found out about the shower, she sent me a list of ladies on her side of the family who want to be made aware of the shower so that they could send a gift, including some friends of hers who are not even invited to the wedding. 

  
  

  She assured me that none of them planning on attending, they just wanted to get an invitation so that they would know when a shower was taking place and where to send the gift. But I'm worried. Who's to say that any of these ladies won't decide to just go ahead and come to the shower anyway. After they've received an invitation, there's no way to stop them.

  
  

  This seems beyond etiquette for the mother of the groom to add invitees to the shower that a bridesmaid is throwing for the bride. Am I wrong? Is this some common practice that I'm totally unaware of?

  MOG needs to check herself before she wrecks herself. She is beyond overstepping her bounds. You are not wrong in your feelings but man. I wouldn't touch that with a 10ft pole.

  
  

  
  

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• MobKaz member

  

  January 2015

  quirkybride15 said:

  Hey all... My bridesmaids are throwing me a shower and they asked me to provide a list of guests. I invited only my close female friends, which is not a lot. My sister/bridesmaid who is hosting is doing all of this at her own expense and the shower will be at her house. 

  
  

  When my fiance's mother found out about the shower, she sent me a list of ladies on her side of the family who want to be made aware of the shower so that they could send a gift, including some friends of hers who are not even invited to the wedding. 

  
  

  She assured me that none of them planning on attending, they just wanted to get an invitation so that they would know when a shower was taking place and where to send the gift. But I'm worried. Who's to say that any of these ladies won't decide to just go ahead and come to the shower anyway. After they've received an invitation, there's no way to stop them.

  
  

  This seems beyond etiquette for the mother of the groom to add invitees to the shower that a bridesmaid is throwing for the bride. Am I wrong? Is this some common practice that I'm totally unaware of?

  It is totally inappropriate for your FMIL to intrude in any way.  Is she invited to the shower?  Is anyone else from FI's family invited to this shower?
  
  FI needs to speak with his mother.  He needs to explain that the hostess of the shower has her complete guest list, and can not accommodate any additional names.  FI needs to explain, simply, that it is not appropriate to include ANY guest to any shower that is not on the wedding guest list.  Then he needs to tell his mother that the subject is closed.
  
  Stand firm on this issue.
  

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• manateehugger member

  

  January 2015 edited January 2015

  Yeah, no. If FMIL wants to invite all her friends to a shower, she needs to host her own damn shower instead of playing invitation roulette with your BMs' money.

  I'd push back and say that you don't feel comfortable sending invitations that are purely gift requests. Explain that you don't feel comfortable with it, and that you're worried someone could attend and stretch the budget. These ladies can send a gift at any time or they can send you a gift before or soon after the wedding. The idea that the gifts just have to be for the shower makes no sense.

  ETA: Totally agree that if your initial push back doesn't go anywhere, it's time to tag FI in to handle his mother.

  

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• floridabride44 member

  

  January 2015

  quirkybride15 said:

  Hey all... My bridesmaids are throwing me a shower and they asked me to provide a list of guests. I invited only my close female friends, which is not a lot. My sister/bridesmaid who is hosting is doing all of this at her own expense and the shower will be at her house. 

  
  

  When my fiance's mother found out about the shower, she sent me a list of ladies on her side of the family who want to be made aware of the shower so that they could send a gift, including some friends of hers who are not even invited to the wedding. 

  
  

  She assured me that none of them planning on attending, they just wanted to get an invitation so that they would know when a shower was taking place and where to send the gift. But I'm worried. Who's to say that any of these ladies won't decide to just go ahead and come to the shower anyway. After they've received an invitation, there's no way to stop them.

  
  

  This seems beyond etiquette for the mother of the groom to add invitees to the shower that a bridesmaid is throwing for the bride. Am I wrong? Is this some common practice that I'm totally unaware of?

  LIke PPs have said, she can throw you a shower herself if she wants. It's not her place to invite extra people to the one your sister is throwing you, unless she was asked to send a guest list for her side of the family. 

  
  

  And to the bolded - who really asks when a shower is so they can send a gift? I mean, if I'm invited to a shower I'm happy to give someone a gift, but I never think "Oh man, let me try to find information out about a shower I was never invited to and don't plan on attending, so I can drop money on a gift!" Maybe that's just me. I dunno. 

  --
  
  

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• Jen4948 member

  

  January 2015 edited February 2015

  Tell your FMIL that the hostess of this shower cannot accommodate any additional guests at her shower, so her guests cannot be invited, but you do not object to another shower thrown by someone else for those persons on her list who are invited to the wedding (if you actually wouldn't mind it, otherwise just stop after "her guests cannot be invited.") As for those who are not, tell her that you're sorry, but you are not okay with any non-wedding guests being invited to any wedding-related events, but you look forward to meeting them at a mutually convenient future time.
  
  And make sure your FI has your back in this 100%.

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• EllieAugust member

  

  January 2015

  I agree that you should send the invites…but she is going to be your MIL!  Are you inviting anyone from his side of the family?  It might be nice to say to her that you don't feel comfortable sending invites to people that aren't actually invited, but that you would love to extend an invite to 3-4 people that she thinks would like to celebrate with you all.

  
  

  
  

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• manateehugger member

  

  January 2015

  EllieAugust said:

  I agree that you should send the invites…but she is going to be your MIL!  Are you inviting anyone from his side of the family?  It might be nice to say to her that you don't feel comfortable sending invites to people that aren't actually invited, but that you would love to extend an invite to 3-4 people that she thinks would like to celebrate with you all.

  
  

  
  

  Except the part where inviting guests over the hostess' limit is incredibly rude, and ridiculous in this case.

  Yes, she is going to be her FMIL. Which is why she should politely explain her objection and then have her FI run interference if the problem persists. Establishing good relationships with MILs doesn't mean you have to do everything to please them. It's about finding a healthy and respectful balance if possible.

  FMIL's actions here are totally inappropriate, and the OP shouldn't feel obligated to fulfill the request. Having a shower with primarily just the bride's side isn't remotely uncommon.
  

  

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• WhatawagSBNy member

  

  January 2015

  Many times showers are for a small and specific group of people, and this seems to be a friends of bride shower. It is not impolite to nicely explain this to MOG. She can have her own, and bride herself should attend if she does (but no obligation for bridal party who have been to their own unless they just want to come.)
  
  But phantom parties, an invitation list made of people who are not expected to come but will feel they should give a gift , are extremely rude.
  
  Fundraising events sell tickets and collect donation checks for people who indicate up front, I will not attend but wish to make a donation. Families listing people to be contacted to collect gifts, that is viewed as greed.

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• MobKaz member

  

  January 2015

  hsgator said:

  quirkybride15 said:

  Hey all... My bridesmaids are throwing me a shower and they asked me to provide a list of guests. I invited only my close female friends, which is not a lot. My sister/bridesmaid who is hosting is doing all of this at her own expense and the shower will be at her house. 

  
  

  When my fiance's mother found out about the shower, she sent me a list of ladies on her side of the family who want to be made aware of the shower so that they could send a gift, including some friends of hers who are not even invited to the wedding. 

  
  

  She assured me that none of them planning on attending, they just wanted to get an invitation so that they would know when a shower was taking place and where to send the gift. But I'm worried. Who's to say that any of these ladies won't decide to just go ahead and come to the shower anyway. After they've received an invitation, there's no way to stop them.

  
  

  This seems beyond etiquette for the mother of the groom to add invitees to the shower that a bridesmaid is throwing for the bride. Am I wrong? Is this some common practice that I'm totally unaware of?

  LIke PPs have said, she can throw you a shower herself if she wants. It's not her place to invite extra people to the one your sister is throwing you, unless she was asked to send a guest list for her side of the family. 

  
  

  And to the bolded - who really asks when a shower is so they can send a gift? I mean, if I'm invited to a shower I'm happy to give someone a gift, but I never think "Oh man, let me try to find information out about a shower I was never invited to and don't plan on attending, so I can drop money on a gift!" Maybe that's just me. I dunno. 

  I have actually done this before.  My DD still has some friends from her childhood.  As those friends marry or start a family, I will often send a gift, via my daughter, to their shower.  Depending on the circumstances, I might just order and ship something to their home. 
  

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• WhatawagSBNy member

  

  January 2015

  Shower or wedding , old and new friends express their warm feelings by sending gifts even if not invited to the shower or wedding, and this nice gesture should be appreciated and a sincere thank you note sent. Very generous.
  
  But sending a list of people an invitation with no plan on their ever attending really is different.

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