Are OOT Weddings "Rude?"

[Deleted User] · January 2015

I live in Brooklyn, but am from Southern NJ. I personally have friends and family mostly in the Southern NJ region, though some are scattered across the country. My FI's family is in TN, and most of his friends live in NYC, near us. Basically, we are covering the east coast. We are currently looking at venues in Eastern PA (Philly area) and all of NJ, within about a 1.5-2hr drive from most of the people we plan to invite. We were planning on booking a hotel block for our guests to make accommodations as reasonable as possible.

My mother thinks it is "RUDE" to have a wedding that is not close to our family and friends in Southern NJ. Is she right? Although my side of the family lives there, not everyone does...and as much as I adore my quaint hometown, I loathe the idea of a wedding there...are OOT weddings truly rude? Aren't weddings almost always OOT for someone attending?

I understand having an OOT wedding may make it hard/impossible for some people to attend. I get that and would never be offended if they declined.

Full disclosure: My parents have said they are contributing money to pay for the meals of our family members, so perhaps that influences where the wedding is located.

photokitty · January 2015

No, she is not right. OOT wedding are not rude. However you are correct - he who pays, has a say. This is entirely different issue.

If you opt to have an OOT you are not being rude, but your parents might pull their contribution - also not rude. GL!

abcdevonn said:

I live in Brooklyn, but am from Southern NJ. I personally have friends and family mostly in the Southern NJ region, though some are scattered across the country. My FI's family is in TN, and most of his friends live in NYC, near us. Basically, we are covering the east coast. We are currently looking at venues in Eastern PA (Philly area) and all of NJ, within about a 1.5-2hr drive from most of the people we plan to invite. We were planning on booking a hotel block for our guests to make accommodations as reasonable as possible.

My mother thinks it is "RUDE" to have a wedding that is not close to our family and friends in Southern NJ. Is she right? Although my side of the family lives there, not everyone does...and as much as I adore my quaint hometown, I loathe the idea of a wedding there...are OOT weddings truly rude? Aren't weddings almost always OOT for someone attending?

I understand having an OOT wedding may make it hard/impossible for some people to attend. I get that and would never be offended if they declined.

Full disclosure: My parents have said they are contributing money to pay for the meals of our family members, so perhaps that influences where the wedding is located.

lyndausvi · January 2015

I was living in the islands. DH's family is from Long Island, NY. My family mostly from Wilmington, DE area (although my parents were living in Indy at the time).

We choose Cape May because it was on the beach and semi-centrally located for everyone. We figured everyone would travel.

Sure MIL (long island) was miffed, but seriously, we could have had the wedding in the islands where we lived which would have costs 10x more for them all.

Sure your parents have a say, but no having an OOT wedding is not rude. Inconvenient? Maybe (although I didn't think so), but not rude given your situation with people spread out all over the place.

Had you everyone lived in the same area then I think it's odd. Still not rude.

daria24 · January 2015

No location choice, whether it's 15 minutes from guests, 2 hours, or a 20 hour flight, is ever rude. Inconsiderate, maybe. But not "rude." I think it's sometimes inconsiderate to choose a destination wedding say, in Australia, when 99% of your guest list lives within 10 mile radius in Kentucky. But even that isn't rude.

If your parents are contributing funds they should have some say, but I don't think their opinion should hold weight entirely (unless they are paying for the whole shebang). Just be prepared for them to foot stomp and take the money away if they don't get their way.

But if your guest list is scattered across the PA/NJ/NY area (mostly), choosing any area within that is reasonable.

bumbletiger88 · January 2015

It is certainly not rude. Sure, people may not be able to attend due to time/money constraints of travel, but that's a decision for your guests to each make. We're getting married in St. Louis, where I live- my FI lives 3 hours away where he's in school, my parents are in TN and his in TX, and the majority of his extended family lives in Canada. One of his groomsmen is even flying in from Perth, Australia.

We were invited to 9 weddings out of town last year, and I never once thought anyone was rude for it. We weren't able to attend all of them, but plenty we drove between 5 and 12 hours to be there for.

I do think you'll need to come to some compromises with your parents though, since they are offering financial contributions.

ETA: grammar

levioosa · January 2015

It's not rude, however you may experience more declines because of it. You should also be prepared to pay for the wedding yourselves if your parents don't approve. If you and your VIPs are okay with the location and date, then go ahead and book wherever you would like.

NowIamMrsKlein · January 2015

If I were to get married where I currently live it would be an OOT wedding for everyone. We're about 8 hour drive from the closest family, 12-15 from the majority.

I personally thought it would have been inconsiderate of us to get married where we lived, so we chose an 'OOT' wedding in a city near our home town. This cuts down peoples commutes significantly, and some people live where we are having the wedding but I'd say 75% of the guests will be coming from out of town.

I think when your family is scattered about, it is expected that the majority of people would have to travel and that its not rude.

I think the only inconsiderate thing about an OOT wedding would be if you held it in a place where absolutely no one lived or was close too and still expected the big turnout of a hometown wedding as opposed to a 'destination wedding'

Fairyjen1 · January 2015

OOT wedding's aren't rude. Most weddings are OOT for someone. In our case my family is in CA and my husband's family is in OR and ID. No matter where we had it , it would be OOT for someone..

We had a destination wedding so it was equally inconvenient for everyone

What are you going to do if FI's family insists it's rude to not have it near them? I say pick what's best for you, be prepared to lose your parents funding and go with it. (easier said than done, I know.)

[Deleted User] · January 2015

Fairyjen1 said: OOT wedding's aren't rude. Most weddings are OOT for someone. In our case my family is in CA and my husband's family is in OR and ID. No matter where we had it , it would be OOT for someone..
We had a destination wedding so it was equally inconvenient for everyone

What are you going to do if FI's family insists it's rude to not have it near them? I say pick what's best for you, be prepared to lose your parents funding and go with it. (easier said than done, I know.)
*******BOX BOX BOX BOX *******
That was exactly what I said to my mom when she said it was rude. "But mom, FI's family will be in TN. We aren't having it in TN, so isn't it rude to them?"

She just stared and said "Oh." is a slightly haughty way. Ahhh. I love her, but really.

The good news is, I am actually not counting on money from them. It makes me a bit uncomfortable and uneasy.

Thanks for all the help, everyone.

Edit: I swear there was a box...

allispain · January 2015

abcdevonn said:

Fairyjen1 said:

OOT wedding's aren't rude. Most weddings are OOT for someone. In our case my family is in CA and my husband's family is in OR and ID. No matter where we had it , it would be OOT for someone..

We had a destination wedding so it was equally inconvenient for everyone

What are you going to do if FI's family insists it's rude to not have it near them? I say pick what's best for you, be prepared to lose your parents funding and go with it. (easier said than done, I know.)

*******BOX BOX BOX BOX *******

That was exactly what I said to my mom when she said it was rude. "But mom, FI's family will be in TN. We aren't having it in TN, so isn't it rude to them?"

She just stared and said "Oh." is a slightly haughty way. Ahhh. I love her, but really.

The good news is, I am actually not counting on money from them. It makes me a bit uncomfortable and uneasy.

Thanks for all the help, everyone.

Edit: I swear there was a box...

**BOXES**

This is exactly what I was going to suggest you say to her the next time she brings it up. Glad you already got that covered. I also love your description of her response.

SP29 · January 2015

Nope, not rude. Seems there is always someone the wedding is OOT for.

DH and I got married in our hometown- which is OOT for us. And our current friends. But we thought it would be easiest to have the wedding there than here. Because of this, we did have friends decline because they couldn't afford it or get the time off, but we decided to do it that way because overall we would have less guests having to flying to our hometown vs. ALL of our family having to fly to our current province- a number of whom have health problems (DH's grandmother was palliative, and would never have been able to attend if the wedding was where we live). Even still, with the wedding in our hometown, FIL lives 2 hours away, FIL's family lives in Europe (unable to come no matter where in Canada we had the wedding), a few friends and family members still OOT.

Best to discuss with your VIPs, but you're right, having the wedding near your family could be "rude" to FI's family.

adettma32 · January 2015

allispain said:

abcdevonn said:

Fairyjen1 said:

OOT wedding's aren't rude. Most weddings are OOT for someone. In our case my family is in CA and my husband's family is in OR and ID. No matter where we had it , it would be OOT for someone..

We had a destination wedding so it was equally inconvenient for everyone

What are you going to do if FI's family insists it's rude to not have it near them? I say pick what's best for you, be prepared to lose your parents funding and go with it. (easier said than done, I know.)

*******BOX BOX BOX BOX *******

That was exactly what I said to my mom when she said it was rude. "But mom, FI's family will be in TN. We aren't having it in TN, so isn't it rude to them?"

She just stared and said "Oh." is a slightly haughty way. Ahhh. I love her, but really.

The good news is, I am actually not counting on money from them. It makes me a bit uncomfortable and uneasy.

Thanks for all the help, everyone.

Edit: I swear there was a box...

**BOXES**

This is exactly what I was going to suggest you say to her the next time she brings it up. Glad you already got that covered. I also love your description of her response.

***Edit for almost getting ALL the boxes***

Haha, that's what my grandma said to about our OOT wedding, that we were being so tough on our family.

We live in Germany most of the year, but come home in the summertime, definitely didn't plan to get married across the pond! I am from Wisconsin, FI is from Ontario, met in Ohio. Wedding is in Ohio where we met, so OOT for everyone but easiest on our mutual college friends that are mostly from the Ohio area and halfway between our two families (5/6 hr drive & 4/5 hr drive as opposed to 11 hour drive).

Grandma said, "I wish you were getting married in Wisconsin so it wasn't so tough on our family to attend."

I told her that I understand but by picking something in the middle, it isn't quite as tough on FI family to attend.

She responded with, "Hmm, well now it's only tough for OUR family."

No, grannie, it stills involves travel for FI side, but ok, you win, sorry!!!!

When you have family spread across an area, there is no way to please everyone, but you aren't being rude at all.

apromise22 · January 2015

It's not rude. If I were you, though, I'd probably have the wedding in South Jersey--partly to keep the peace, and partly so at least one big group of guests can come without a huge effort. Plus, it wouldn't make much of a difference for the Tennesseens to have to drive an extra hour but it'd make a big difference for the NJ people to have to get a hotel room.

I don't know about your friends, but New Yorkers are pretty famous for never leaving New York for anything (I used to be one so I can say that), and many don't even have cars, so I'm not sure how hard I'd try to accommodate them unless I was positive they plan to come.

mrscomposer · January 2015

My entire side had to travel, because we got married in J's hometown.

J's dad has no kidneys, and has to do dialysis three times a week for 4-5 hours each time. You CAN set up visiting dialysis, but it's a bitch. If we had the wedding where my parents live, or in my hometown, it would have meant J's parents driving 9 - 11 hours after dialysis on Friday, then driving home on Sunday for dialysis on Monday morning.

I had pre-emptive hands on my hips and raised eyebrows for anyone who was going to question it, but no one did.

luckysnorkel · January 2015

Nope, not rude.

We live in CA and had our wedding here. Our family members all live on the other side of the country so our wedding was OOT for about 85% of our invitees. But even if we'd have had the wedding on the East Coast somewhere, it still would have been OOT for a lot of people. So we planned it locally because that's what worked best for us.

Invitations are not subpoenas, and people are free to decline if the time and expense of travel are too much for them. So long as you're prepared for a higher overall decline rate, and you've cleared the location with your VIP guests, you're fine.

The parents paying issue makes it a little trickier of course. Your mom isn't necessarily correct in believing it's rude to have the wedding in the Philly area, but since your parents are contributing money, they do get some say in the decision.

banana468 · January 2015

They aren't rude but I think it makes sense to try to have a wedding that makes more sense for the guests.

When DH and I were planning our wedding, we thought about getting married at the end of the state where we lived but decided that it would be a long drive for just about all our guests and most would need hotels. Instead we opted to get married near our families which allowed many guests to sleep in their own beds.

An OOT wedding isn't wrong but it can pose logistical problems.

kaitlynmichelle · January 2015

Am OOT or DW is not rude. You may have more declines though. Everyone had to travel for our wedding - some of us made it a roadtrip (9 hours) and had a great time, the rest were from across the country and had to fly in. Our families are split across Canada so someone had to travel no matter where we went.

We tried to help as much as possible with finding plenty of options for accommodation, recommended grocery stores as some people wanted to avoid eating out every day, etc. I had a big document of info that I emailed to our parents/siblings and they found it very helpful.

WhatawagSBNy · January 2015

OOT weddings are not rude, and are sometimes the only reasonable and financially responsible thing for guests. If OOT is in a location between groups of families and friends, often 3 or 4 locations hundreds of miles apart. An. OOT location which allows most all to drive a couple of hours rather than 2/3 flying - especially where that might mean 5 tickets for a family - is actually being exceptionally kind to the majority of people. People who have to fly in no matter where it is, little difference.

I do think for OOT weddings couples need to be more mindful of prices of lodgings, and needs for care and recreation of kids. Checking to see about child care availability. Lodgings policies - a fair number of places do not allow any babies under a year, or under 15 months, to be left with anyone but a relative, or a sitter or nanny traveling with them.
Your checking once and letting people affected know information like this by phone or email ahead of time is easier than every family calling around an unfamiliar area.

anne2018 · January 2015

It's up to you. It's also up to your parents to contribute or not. If you don't care who attends then have it where you would like.

jay788 · January 2015

Our wedding was OOT for everyone (about a 3-4 hour drive from our city) because we wanted to get married in the mountains. Exactly no one who lived near us complained or declined because of it and a lot were excited about the idea of a weekend getaway. Of course a number of people coming from farther away couldn't make it (but that would have been the case anyway!). Because people were traveling and staying in hotels to come, we tried to make them feel comfortable by providing welcome bags, transportation from the hotel to the wedding, and we invited everyone to the rehearsal dinner. It was a great weekend. Of course, my grandparents have since gripped that we didn't have the wedding near THEM, never mind that they live nowhere near us or the majority of guests...

downtondiva · January 2015

It's not rude, but I think before you make any final decisions, you should talk to your VIPs (family, closest friends, etc.) to make sure they'd be able to travel to whatever location you end up choosing. Even if you won't be offended if people decline the invitation, I'm sure there are some people you'd be really, really disappointed not to have there and you wouldn't want to plan a wedding they absolutely could not attend.

As others have said, your parents may withdraw their contribution if they don't like where you decide to have the wedding, so wherever you decide to have it, plan a wedding you know you and FI can afford on your own.

RosieC18 · January 2015

We had people travel from 13 states and 4 countries for our 100-person wedding. There were about 10 people for whom it was "in town" which was going to be true wherever we held it.

I'm sure there are families where most people still live in the same area, but I don't know many. I'd love to have my nearest and dearest actually be near but that's not how it works anymore for a lot of people. Pretty much all weddings are OOT for some of the guests, and they are definitely not rude.

annathy03 · January 2015

It's not rude, and if it is, I was! We got married where we live for several reasons 1) It was easier to plan locally 2) 50%+ of our guest list would have to travel regardless 3) We live in Vegas, which is a much more desirable place to visit for most of our OOT guests than our hometown would have been, and 4) We checked and our VIPs were fine with traveling (although in some cases like younger siblings we helped with their flights and hosted them in our home).

One of H's aunts sighed heavily and was all "OH. you're not having it in *midwest hometown*?!" to H. H responded politely, but when he relayed it to me I was all "Um, it's an invite not a subpoena. We have family from Ohio, Wisconsin, Florida, Maryland, California, Colorado, Washington, and Nevada coming- sorry not sorry for picking a state she doesn't live in."

JellyBean52513 · January 2015

mrscomposer said:

My entire side had to travel, because we got married in J's hometown.
J's dad has no kidneys, and has to do dialysis three times a week for 4-5 hours each time. You CAN set up visiting dialysis, but it's a bitch. If we had the wedding where my parents live, or in my hometown, it would have meant J's parents driving 9 - 11 hours after dialysis on Friday, then driving home on Sunday for dialysis on Monday morning.
I had pre-emptive hands on my hips and raised eyebrows for anyone who was going to question it, but no one did.

My dad has some serious health/medical constraints too, and my SO and I have already talked about the difficulty it would involve for him to travel a long distance. We both currently live in Boston, where he and his family are from, while my dad and family are scattered about upstate/western/southern NY. I told him that my dad really wouldn't be able to travel any farther than the Syracuse area, and he completely understands and has said we would get married in upstate NY when the time comes because my dad has to be there. If any of his family or friends thought we were rude for planning a wedding that my disabled father could attend, they'll have effectively removed themselves from the guest list for all I care.

Jen4948 · January 2015

Your parents don't have to pay for a wedding that isn't local to them and expecting them to do so would be rude, but having a non-local wedding isn't "rude." Your mother is wrong about that.

amelisha · January 2015

Jen4948 said:

Your parents don't have to pay for a wedding that isn't local to them and expecting them to do so would be rude, but having a non-local wedding isn't "rude." Your mother is wrong about that.

Your parents don't have to pay for ANY wedding, local or not. Paying for the wedding is the sole responsibility of the couple. If family members offer help, that is fine, but there should be NO obligation or expectation.

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