I know I'm going to get backlash for this..

Knottie30574988 · October 2014

I am marrying my sailor in a courthouse a week from today! I am so completely excited and I get butterflies just thinking about calling myself his wife. Im from a very traditional family with no military backgrounds and his family is the opposite, obviously. I was seeking opinions on having another wedding in a year and a half once i graduate from college and we can save for the occasion. Dont get me wrong, I know this will be a vow renewal and i will be married. im not ashamed of getting married next week and I've told a lot of people and plan on telling the rest soon! I will wear my wedding ring proudly and change my name. I guess what im really worried about is other peoples opinions.. im selfish. i do want a big white wedding, im not going to lie and say its my "real wedding" because its just a celebration of our love. is this normal in the military? i just kind of feel guilty i guess. i know what im doing isnt unethical but i guess i dont know why i keep feeling like this and care so much about others opinions. is it stupid to have another wedding or vow renewal or whatever? im still doing it i just want maybe other Military wives who have done something similar..

Please dont tell me how stupid and ignorant i am being because this is the best route for me and my fiance.

thank you!

kyrgyzstan · October 2014

Hey man, as long as everyone knows, you're not pretending you're not married, and you realize your VR is just that, KOKO.

My general concern as a leader is when people rush into things because of a deployment, orders, etc. As long as you're getting married because you want to be married and not because of any other reason, then rock it. Congratulations.

Sammy0709 had a great and honest VR. She's a service member herself, so I don't know when she'll be able to jump on, but I'm sure she'll have advice. Her VR was gorgeous.

kyrgyzstan · October 2014

I just saw the part about graduating from college. I would be remiss in my Stanness if I didn't say that I advise waiting until you're all set as an individual adult with your degree and your job handled, but as long as you're being honest my general feeling above still stands.

NYCMercedes · October 2014

Have a party, not a wedding. Have a vow renewal, not a wedding. Forget a wedding dress and wear a formal gown.

kmmssg · October 2014

WishIcouldbeinthe'stan said:
Hey man, as long as everyone knows, you're not pretending you're not married, and you realize your VR is just that, KOKO.

My general concern as a leader is when people rush into things because of a deployment, orders, etc. As long as you're getting married because you want to be married and not because of any other reason, then rock it. Congratulations.

Sammy0709 had a great and honest VR. She's a service member herself, so I don't know when she'll be able to jump on, but I'm sure she'll have advice. Her VR was gorgeous.

Ditto both of Stan's posts. Be honest about it and rock it....but give yourselves time to adjust to his military life and yor professional opportunities with your degree. This 4 time MOB/26 year veteran wishes you both the best and is happy to.see your honest approach to.this.

iluvmytxrgr · October 2014

We had a small wedding in my mom's living room. Only a few family members were there. None of my husband's family could make it we planned on having a vow renewal a couple years later so everyone could be there. Life got in the way. We've never had the renewal and we are OK with that. We would have lived to celebrate with everyone, but when it came down to it, that MO eyes was better spent in other places. It seemed ridiculous, to us, for us to spend it on a party when all that really mattered was that we were already married.

milanyvonne · October 2014

me and my marine are doing the same thing we are getting married in a few months and then having a big wedding in 2016.. my friends and family dont really approve but i dont really care! this is what we want and this is how we will work it.

Sammy0709 · October 2014

I did a VR as Stan said. I wasn't going to reply initially because I thought it really had all been covered. I've changed my mind. When I did my VR my family was excited, in fact they were the ones who suggested it because we have a small family, they felt they had missed out on this big moment in my life, they're very religious so a JOP didn't do it for them, etc. What most people care about is that you are honest. Other concerns might be "you're getting married too soon why don't you wait if you're just going to have a VR later?" or "is spending that extra money a good idea?" I would definitely take a concern such as that seriously because that's just someone trying to look out for you. If you choose not to have a VR due to concerns that's fine. If you choose to do it in spite of concerns such as those be prepared to support your stance in an adult way. Saying "I don't care what anyone says I'm doing it my way." seems immature IMO. Same goes for the traditions you choose to incorporate or not. We did a lot of normal wedding things because most of my guests were involved in the planning and suggested things like wearing a gown and having a first dance since we honestly hadn't had one prior to that anyway. My father wanted to walk me down the aisle...no one asked him if he was giving me away because that deed had been done but he was just there as an escort of sorts. Only you can understand your family and know what they would disagree with.

flyingfoxes · October 2014

Meh - I don't know that it bothers me that much to have the PPD later - I think it would bother me much more for people to pretend that they're not married when they legally are. Since the OP is being open and up front about it, I don't think people should get too worked up over it, if at all.

[Deleted User] · November 2014

As a former Marine wife that rushed into a marriage before deployment... I forever will wonder what the rush was. If you want the big wedding then just wait. I knew a couple who didn't want to rush into something she moved to be close to where he was stationed they dated a few years then got married. Yea sometimes it's a pain but if you want the big wedding then either plan for it now or just wait. Again what is the rush?

hobbessmith · November 2014

Hey, I'm doing the same thing! We got married in a courthouse about 5 months ago and we are planning our "church wedding" in June. We've told everyone that we're already legally married and I refer to him as my husband, so no secrets there. We needed to get married earlier because my husband had found out that he would be stationed in Hawaii for 3 years. I knew that I wouldn't be able to see him if I didn't move with him and that health insurance would be a problem if I couldn't find a job right away over there. It's a good thing, because I've been here for 4 months and I still haven't found a steady job. It was actually my parents' idea to get married in a courthouse and celebrate/get married in the Catholic Church later. Everyone has been supportive. I agree that as long as you are honest about it and know that this is the right thing for you, there shouldn't be a problem.

Sammy0709 · November 2014

I honestly have no problem with what you are doing, hobbessmith, but for the sake of lurkers who may be reading for advice on this issue...You did not NEED to get married to move to Hawaii and have health insurance. One of my best friends is currently living in Hawaii with her boyfriend. She did a move from Pennsylvania to Hawaii out of pocket and spent months jobless while still finding a way to acquire health insurance. She did it this way because she and her boyfriend were not ready to seriously discuss marriage but were comfortable moving in together. It is not a necessity to do a JOP then VR for people who feel their relationship is not to the point of marriage and do not want to rush in to something just to move or get health insurance or BAH or whatever.

hobbessmith · November 2014

I agree, Sammy. No, you would never want to get married in court if you're not completely ready for it. You are marrying that person, so of course you want to be sure. We were already engaged and had already been talking about getting married for a year before that, so it just made sense for us to get married then. We can celebrate later with family and friends, but we are married. I didn't realize there was a way to get health insurance without having a job (and being over 26). However, if I wasn't 100 percent ready to marry him, I would have gone through every avenue to find out how to do that.

antibride2013 · November 2014

hobbessmith said:

Hey, I'm doing the same thing! We got married in a courthouse about 5 months ago and we are planning our "church wedding" in June. We've told everyone that we're already legally married and I refer to him as my husband, so no secrets there. We needed to get married earlier because my husband had found out that he would be stationed in Hawaii for 3 years. I knew that I wouldn't be able to see him if I didn't move with him and that health insurance would be a problem if I couldn't find a job right away over there. It's a good thing, because I've been here for 4 months and I still haven't found a steady job. It was actually my parents' idea to get married in a courthouse and celebrate/get married in the Catholic Church later. Everyone has been supportive. I agree that as long as you are honest about it and know that this is the right thing for you, there shouldn't be a problem.

Gross. I am always stunned when I hear all the military members doing the most disgraceful things. Kinda defeats the purpose of BEING A HONORABLE AMERICAN. Your courthouse ceremony WAS YOUR WEDDING. Done. Full stop.

kyrgyzstan · November 2014

antibride2013 said:

hobbessmith said:

Hey, I'm doing the same thing! We got married in a courthouse about 5 months ago and we are planning our "church wedding" in June. We've told everyone that we're already legally married and I refer to him as my husband, so no secrets there. We needed to get married earlier because my husband had found out that he would be stationed in Hawaii for 3 years. I knew that I wouldn't be able to see him if I didn't move with him and that health insurance would be a problem if I couldn't find a job right away over there. It's a good thing, because I've been here for 4 months and I still haven't found a steady job. It was actually my parents' idea to get married in a courthouse and celebrate/get married in the Catholic Church later. Everyone has been supportive. I agree that as long as you are honest about it and know that this is the right thing for you, there shouldn't be a problem.
Gross. I am always stunned when I hear all the military members doing the most disgraceful things. Kinda defeats the purpose of BEING A HONORABLE AMERICAN. Your courthouse ceremony WAS YOUR WEDDING. Done. Full stop.

I mean, I'm the last person (usually) to defend a PPD, but she told everyone. What's dishonorable about that? She's living life as his spouse. She just wants a PPD. It's her and her H's money to do with as she wants. Is it what I'd do? No. I wanted a PPD, so I had one the day I got married. I also didn't get married despite it negatively affecting my career options because both H and I wanted to set an example for our subordinates. But it's only dishonorable when you're lying about it. Pretending like you're engaged, calling him her fiance, etc. just to get benefits. But I think you're being a bit harsh here (and that's generally my job on Military Brides, damn it!). But scroll down and find some liars (there are plenty) and yell at them!

HuckSC · November 2014

hobbessmith said:

I agree, Sammy. No, you would never want to get married in court if you're not completely ready for it. You are marrying that person, so of course you want to be sure. We were already engaged and had already been talking about getting married for a year before that, so it just made sense for us to get married then. We can celebrate later with family and friends, but we are married. I didn't realize there was a way to get health insurance without having a job (and being over 26). However, if I wasn't 100 percent ready to marry him, I would have gone through every avenue to find out how to do that.

Did you miss the passing of the ACA? You can always buy health insurance on the "free" market.

leahmichelle327 · November 2014

I really hate reading responses to these kinds of posts. It is no ones business how some else decides to do their wedding. It is THEIR wedding not yours. You do not know THEIR whole situation and just because you would approach a situation differently doesn't mean everyone has to do it that way. I get the whole not getting married for benefits but I would assume most people who do it just for the benefits don't care if they have a big wedding. Most people who have two weddings, yes I say weddings cause that is what they are, do it because they want to be able to share that day with their family, friends, etc. I just wish people weren't so harsh to others about the two wedding thing.

HuckSC · November 2014

Believe it or not, there are a lot of people that just get married for the benefits. And they don't tell anyone about eloping and then want a big white wedding. NOPE. If you are fully open about being married and then have a re-do ceremony whatevs. That's your decision and I will side eye but at least you're open and honest.

djandcj · November 2014

I understand people being upset about marrying for benefits, but if you are already planning on getting married, I would think the military community would be more understanding. Maybe its because I'm a military brat, and come from generations of military, but I understand the need for the quickie wedding sometimes. I don't understand why people get so upset about the second ceremony (whether its a vow renewal or not it is still a ceremony. The term ceremony has no bearing on the legality on the situation). My fiance's report date has been moved up, but I've already been planning my wedding and don't plan on changing the date a few months out. We are considering living room vows by my father (a minister) and later the wedding for the family. I don't think its wrong or unethical. We haven't decided yet, but our decision won't be based on other people's opinions.

iluvmytxrgr · November 2014

The only argument anyone here has ever given is when A) People lie about it and pretend they aren't married until their big fake wedding or

When people marry primarily for the benefits.

CMGragain · November 2014

There is nothing wrong with a proper vow renewal. There is everything wrong with pretending that it is your wedding if you are already married.
Just have a super party. You can renew your vows if you want to. Get the words wedding, bride and groom out of your vocabulary. Vow renewals are honest, and they can be great fun.

http://www.idotaketwo.com/blog/vow-renewal-etiquette/?q=vow_renewal_etiquette.html

CMGragain · November 2014

milanyvonne said:

me and my marine are doing the same thing we are getting married in a few months and then having a big wedding in 2016.. my friends and family dont really approve but i dont really care! this is what we want and this is how we will work it.

Oh, nice. You don't care what your friends and family think? Good luck with that.

hpubride · December 2014

Nothing wrong with that, my parents got married in the courthouse and got stationed to Belgium a week later. A year later, after saving up and moving back to the states they had a traditional Catholic wedding. Their families really appreciated them having the formal wedding so they could all support them. Now my parent's celebrate both wedding anniversaries one in January and one in February.

redoryx · December 2014

HPUgirl27 said:

Nothing wrong with that, my parents got married in the courthouse and got stationed to Belgium a week later. A year later, after saving up and moving back to the states they had a traditional Catholic wedding. Their families really appreciated them having the formal wedding so they could all support them. Now my parent's celebrate both wedding anniversaries one in January and one in February.

If everyone knew about the second event going in that's one thing, but I can tell you that no matter what you've been told, your parents did not, under any circumstances, have a traditional Catholic wedding. They got married the year before at the courthouse. That was their wedding. They may have had a vow renewal or a convalidation and it may have had all the trappings of a wedding but it was not a wedding.

flbride2015 · January 2015

For those mentioning the Catholic wedding PPDs, you may want to look into that some more. Catholic Churches will do convalidations and vow renewals like Redoryx said, but many frown upon wedding do overs (because you're already married). And some won't let you play pretend bride and groom at the convalidation at all. And if you lie to the Priest about being married so he'll let you have your PPD, well, that's whole different level of, I can't even thinnk of an appropriate word for it.

Edited because spelling is hard.

I know I'm going to get backlash for this..

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