Building Assertiveness

kmbay84 · January 2015

Has anyone experienced an increase in assertiveness or confidence during the wedding planning process? Even just a little bit? I have always been a people pleaser, hate making big decisions, and hate telling people what to do. I have massive anxiety about my bridal party not liking something that I picked for the wedding or not making them feel comfortable enough. My first instinct has usually been to put other people's needs before my own.

Hence, came frustrations and struggles with the guest list because I hate leaving people out and bridal party decisions. I don't like being the one in charge of a party where other people's comforts are at stake. My FI has been an amazing support system and a wonderful encourager. He has helped majorly with the planning and I could not be more grateful. He keeps saying that it's my day, at which I tell him that it's OUR day, and I am the queen bee, which I do not want to be. I am trying to be as accommodating and flexible as possible with everything. My FI tells me to be a strong woman and keeps reminding me that all that matters is that we get married in the end, of which he is so excited. I told the ladies to do their hair however they want, professionally or on their own, and I will even chip in some cash for it because it's expensive if they choose to have their hair professionally done. We are paying for the dresses and pretty much all food for the bridal party for that weekend. I don't care whether or not they have jewelry. If they do, I don't care what kind it is. I think I am going to just mention to purchase any silver shoes they would like because it will be a summer wedding and those are fairly easy to find.

I am definitely not the bossy type and more of a go with the flow type of person, so it's a struggle to be assertive and actually express what I would like. Anyway, this is probably a pointless post, but I was just curious if anyone else experienced a greater sense of confidence during this process? Or a decreased sense of people-pleasing? I am not saying to the point of being extremely bossy and mean, but just to a healthy state of self-assurance? I feel like I am slowly getting there. I don't think I will ever be the bossy, domineering type, but I might be able to reach a good level of standing up for myself that other ladies seem to do so with ease.

Thanks for reading!

mrsdee15 · January 2015

I'm the same way, and the guest list has been awful to deal with because of it. I finally got around to letting my bridesmaids know the dress color (they're picking their own in midnight/navy blue). I felt so bad to even pick the color and say I prefer if they're long, so I was avoiding telling them about it.

I have had some assertiveness when it came to other things, like choosing the menu and design aspects, so that has been a slow improvement. Good luck with your wedding and building up assertiveness!

kmbay84 · January 2015

Thank you @mrsdee15! I completely understand! The guest list was terrible!! I was so anxiety ridden over it. My extended family is huge, so we had to limit my family to first cousins and their SOs. If we would have invited their children, there could be another 50 people there. Even so, I could see some of my family members bringing kids even though we wouldn't have any space for them and they wouldn't be invited. That would be over half of the guest list just for my family, not including my friends or my FI's family and friends. I hate upsetting or offending people. So horrible!

I prefer a knee-length dress and I was having trouble saying that! I also put off the bridesmaid dress debacle because I was so anxious and stressed about it. That is a bad habit of mine, putting things off that stress the heck out of me. I felt bad suggesting dresses and letting choose from those! I am hopefully going to go bridesmaid dress shopping with them, so if they prefer a different knee-length dress than I suggested and that is within my budget, then they can get that one.

Nice job on your assertiveness! I also had assertiveness when it came to food and design as well. I think that was because it was not as directly affecting individual people, like telling them what to wear.
Thank you and good luck with your wedding and assertiveness as well!!

levieenrose · January 2015

I hope it gets easier for you ladies.

There was a lot of hand-wringing on my part for the guest list. We started the list like four days after the engagement and over a year later I finally pulled the trigger. At one point I finally realized that I was more concerned about people feeling hurt about not being invited then I was sad that they wouldn't be there, and that was kind of a turning point for me.

I think there is a difference between being exceptionally compassionate and considerate and being a push-over (vs. being assertive). It sounds like you both are the former for sure. If you care that much about your guests then they will actually have a great time and be very touched at all the efforts you made on their behalf (and think for a minute about some of the clueless etiquette you might have read about on these boards--those experiences are what they might have to compare your wedding to). H and I were a lot like you--extremely cautious about making decisions related to guests' comfort--and I have to tell you that our reward was seeing and hearing exactly how great a time it was for them.

Good luck!!! I hope your decision-making becomes easier as time passes.

kmbay84 · January 2015

Well, thank you @levieenrose! You make very good points! I completely understand the guest list thing. I feel like I am getting to that point too.

I feel comforted in hearing your perspective. You also sound like an exceptionally compassionate and considerate lady. I feel you on being extremely cautious about making decisions related to guests' comfort! I am glad to know that I am not alone and that your guests appreciated all of your thoughtful efforts. That is definitely a very good point to keep in mind while proceeding with the planning. Thank you for your encouraging and kind words!

levieenrose · January 2015

Of course! Happy to send support. Especially when it seems so well-deserved.

WhatawagSBNy · January 2015

mrsdee15 said:
I'm the same way, and the guest list has been awful to deal with because of it. I finally got around to letting my bridesmaids know the dress color (they're picking their own in midnight/navy blue). I felt so bad to even pick the color and say I prefer if they're long, so I was avoiding telling them about it.

I have had some assertiveness when it came to other things, like choosing the menu and design aspects, so that has been a slow improvement. Good luck with your wedding and building up assertiveness!

**********
The wedding planning is the first time a lot of people work together with their intended on lots and lots of decision. How that works out is the foundation for everything from bills to deciding medical care and child related decisions.

I think it is very telling that you are feeling less overwhelmed and in partnership with FI, and seeing your strengths build. And after negotiating the first parts of the maze clear of mind about it, planning should feel more pleasurable.

kmbay84 · January 2015

Aw, shucks! Thank you levieenrose!

Very true @WhatawagSBNy! Thank you!

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