Awkward Blunder: How to Write Thank You Note?

Re: Awkward Blunder: How to Write Thank You Note?

• southernbelle0915 mod

  

  January 2015 edited January 2015

  Hi Ladies!

  I need your sagely advice. 

  
  

  Context: Back when our guest list was in its infancy, my maid of honor asked for it to start planning my shower and bachelorette party. I granted her access to my google doc. Originally, we had a couple that my maid of honor and I are mutual friends with. Well, long story short they were cut from the guest list back before we sent STDs and invites. However, I guess my maid of honor had them on her own list from seeing them on there, and I dropped the ball and didn't tell her we took them off. 

  
  

  Fast forward to my shower last week. My friend we didn't invite was there! She gave us a lovely gift (a Kate Spade cake serving set, actually) and was super sweet and thoughtful all during the event. Now I'm writing the thank you note and have NO CLUE what to say. "Thanks for the cake set, we will think of you during the reception that we didn't invite you to"???? 

  
  

  Plus there is only 2 weeks between my shower (last week) and my wedding (next week) which is a destination wedding in Disney World, so there is no way we can even invite them now without it looking like we are totally B-listing or worse, forgot about them! (Which we didn't, we just had to make cuts due to budget, ect.) 

  
  

  So, how do I graciously write this thank you note for them? Do I mention and apologize for the mistake? 

  Thank you in advance.   

  
  

  
  

  *****************ETF boxes******************

  
  

  Your TY note would say "Thanks for the lovely gift, looking forward to seeing you at the wedding!"

  
  

  Because anyone invited to the shower must be invited to the wedding. It's your fault for not informing your MOH of guest list updates/changes. It would be incredibly rude to leave this couple off the guest list now. The right thing to do is to invite them to the wedding.

  *********************************************************************************

  
  

  

  Report0 Reply
• Sioux1986 member

  

  January 2015

  southernbelle0915

  
  

  I recognize it would be incredibly rude as they were invited to the shower and not the wedding. What's the etiquette approved way to invite someone to a destination wedding that is now just 1 week out?

  
  

  I am not trying to be snarky, I am seriously just confused!

  Report0 Reply
• Fran1985 member

  

  January 2015

  southernbelle0915 said:

  Hi Ladies!

  I need your sagely advice. 

  
  

  Context: Back when our guest list was in its infancy, my maid of honor asked for it to start planning my shower and bachelorette party. I granted her access to my google doc. Originally, we had a couple that my maid of honor and I are mutual friends with. Well, long story short they were cut from the guest list back before we sent STDs and invites. However, I guess my maid of honor had them on her own list from seeing them on there, and I dropped the ball and didn't tell her we took them off. 

  
  

  Fast forward to my shower last week. My friend we didn't invite was there! She gave us a lovely gift (a Kate Spade cake serving set, actually) and was super sweet and thoughtful all during the event. Now I'm writing the thank you note and have NO CLUE what to say. "Thanks for the cake set, we will think of you during the reception that we didn't invite you to"???? 

  
  

  Plus there is only 2 weeks between my shower (last week) and my wedding (next week) which is a destination wedding in Disney World, so there is no way we can even invite them now without it looking like we are totally B-listing or worse, forgot about them! (Which we didn't, we just had to make cuts due to budget, ect.) 

  
  

  So, how do I graciously write this thank you note for them? Do I mention and apologize for the mistake? 

  Thank you in advance.   

  
  

  
  

  *****************ETF boxes******************

  
  

  Your TY note would say "Thanks for the lovely gift, looking forward to seeing you at the wedding!"

  
  

  Because anyone invited to the shower must be invited to the wedding. It's your fault for not informing your MOH of guest list updates/changes. It would be incredibly rude to leave this couple off the guest list now. The right thing to do is to invite them to the wedding.

  
  I totally agree on the thought, but it would be an extreme b list at this point. I think OP just has to accept that she did something totally rude (which it sounds like she knows). I think I would just try to write the most gracious thank you note in history.

  
  
  

  Report0 Reply
• Maggie0829 member

  

  January 2015

  I am with Fran.  I would write an exceptionally gracious thank you note and just accept the fact that no matter what you do this person will probably feel slighted.

  
  

  Report0 Reply
• Sioux1986 member

  

  January 2015

  Fran1985 said:

  southernbelle0915 said:

  Hi Ladies!

  I need your sagely advice. 

  
  

  Context: Back when our guest list was in its infancy, my maid of honor asked for it to start planning my shower and bachelorette party. I granted her access to my google doc. Originally, we had a couple that my maid of honor and I are mutual friends with. Well, long story short they were cut from the guest list back before we sent STDs and invites. However, I guess my maid of honor had them on her own list from seeing them on there, and I dropped the ball and didn't tell her we took them off. 

  
  

  Fast forward to my shower last week. My friend we didn't invite was there! She gave us a lovely gift (a Kate Spade cake serving set, actually) and was super sweet and thoughtful all during the event. Now I'm writing the thank you note and have NO CLUE what to say. "Thanks for the cake set, we will think of you during the reception that we didn't invite you to"???? 

  
  

  Plus there is only 2 weeks between my shower (last week) and my wedding (next week) which is a destination wedding in Disney World, so there is no way we can even invite them now without it looking like we are totally B-listing or worse, forgot about them! (Which we didn't, we just had to make cuts due to budget, ect.) 

  
  

  So, how do I graciously write this thank you note for them? Do I mention and apologize for the mistake? 

  Thank you in advance.   

  
  

  
  

  *****************ETF boxes******************

  
  

  Your TY note would say "Thanks for the lovely gift, looking forward to seeing you at the wedding!"

  
  

  Because anyone invited to the shower must be invited to the wedding. It's your fault for not informing your MOH of guest list updates/changes. It would be incredibly rude to leave this couple off the guest list now. The right thing to do is to invite them to the wedding.

  
  I totally agree on the thought, but it would be an extreme b list at this point. I think OP just has to accept that she did something totally rude (which it sounds like she knows). I think I would just try to write the most gracious thank you note in history.

  Yeah, I know at this point this whole thing was super rude. I feel terrible. I am just looking for a way to do some damage control and make this as right as possible. 

  Report0 Reply
• southernbelle0915 mod

  

  January 2015

  Call them TODAY and sincerely apologize. Tell them you understand you made a terrible mistake and that if they can make it, you would love to have them.
  
  For lurkers - this is totally avoidable with proper planning. The bride should provide an updated guest list to a shower host to ensure that everyone invited to the shower is invited to the wedding.

  *********************************************************************************

  
  

  

  Report2 Reply
• Sioux1986 member

  

  January 2015

  southernbelle0915 said:

  Call them TODAY and sincerely apologize. Tell them you understand you made a terrible mistake and that if they can make it, you would love to have them. For lurkers - this is totally avoidable with proper planning. The bride should provide an updated guest list to a shower host to ensure that everyone invited to the shower is invited to the wedding.

  I guess I should have put this up earlier, my fiance and I both have already apologized in person. They of course, being the lovely people that they are, were understanding.  

  
  

  For what it's worth, my MOH had access to the google doc which was updated real time. The biggest issue was that she was planning this event for almost a year (it kept getting pushed) and sent the shower invites way too early. I am not excusing myself, but it just goes to show why you shouldn't jump the gun on pre-wedding parties. Other people who got cut also managed to be taken off her list, I think this couple just slipped through the cracks. 

  
  

  I am grateful the engagement party she was planning fell through, as I'd be in a huge mess.  

  Report0 Reply
• marie2785 member

  

  January 2015 edited January 2015

  Sioux1986 said:

  southernbelle0915

  
  

  I recognize it would be incredibly rude as they were invited to the shower and not the wedding. What's the etiquette approved way to invite someone to a destination wedding that is now just 1 week out?

  
  

  I am not trying to be snarky, I am seriously just confused!

  Call them and say a mistake happened and the invite didn't go out, and you are incredibly sorry. You could lie and say "Oh no your invite got returned to sender I think we put the wrong address!" to save face, or you could just be honest and say you had a guest list snafu and they were supposed to have an invite but they didn't. Don't say they were not supposed to be on the invite list, because that is hurtful. If they ask for details on the snafu, say you would prefer not to share since you don't like throwing people under the bus (...even if that person is yourself.)

  
  

  But key part--call them. Don't send a paper invite now, dont email. Make it personal. 

  Report0 Reply
• Sioux1986 member

  

  January 2015

  I should also add, my MOH apologized to the couple too. 

  Report0 Reply
• Sioux1986 member

  

  January 2015

  marie2785 said:

  Sioux1986 said:

  southernbelle0915

  
  

  I recognize it would be incredibly rude as they were invited to the shower and not the wedding. What's the etiquette approved way to invite someone to a destination wedding that is now just 1 week out?

  
  

  I am not trying to be snarky, I am seriously just confused!

  Call them and say a mistake happened and the invite didn't go out, and you are incredibly sorry. You could lie and say "Oh no your invite got returned to sender I think we put the wrong address!" to save face, or you could just be honest and say you had a guest list snafu and they were supposed to have an invite but they didn't. Don't say they were not supposed to be on the invite list, because that is hurtful. If they ask for details on the snafu, say you would prefer not to share since you don't like throwing people under the bus (...even if that person is yourself.)

  
  

  But key part--call them. Don't send a paper invite now, dont email. Make it personal. 

  I think this is really good wording, and very helpful. Thank you. 

  Report0 Reply
• Sioux1986 member

  

  January 2015

  Here is the thank you note wording:

  
  "Wow! We are so thankful for our gift and friendship. We know you both have been through a lot this year, and it means so much to us that you could make time to celebrate with us at our shower and bachelor weekend. Your beautiful cake serving set will be in our home for years to come, and we will always be reminded of your love, friendship, and support. Thank you so much."

  
  

  All our love,

  Bride and Groom 

  Report0 Reply
• Fran1985 member

  

  January 2015

   

  Sioux1986 said:

  Here is the thank you note wording:

  
  "Wow! Dear A and B, We are so thankful for our gift and friendship. Thank you so much for the beautiful wedding gift. We know you both have been through a lot this year, and it means so much to us that you could make time to celebrate with us at our shower and bachelor weekend. Your beautiful cake serving set will be in our home for years to come, and we will always be reminded of your love, friendship, and support. Thank you so much."

  
  

  All our love,

  Bride and Groom 

  
  Does this mean that he was invited to the bachelor party too?

  
  
  

  Report3 Reply
• WhatawagSBNy member

  

  January 2015

  Sioux1986 said:

  southernbelle0915

  
  

  I recognize it would be incredibly rude as they were invited to the shower and not the wedding. What's the etiquette approved way to invite someone to a destination wedding that is now just 1 week out?

  
  

  I am not trying to be snarky, I am seriously just confused!

  *********
  There is no way to invite someone now. And by the time of the shower, friend had known for weeks that she was not invited to the wedding but came anyway. Because of her relationship with you.
  
  So when you write her thank you note for the shower gift, also write, or call her, and say that limiting invitations to the DW. to just a limited number, and only those who had time and money to make the trip was one of the hardest things you ever did because a few terrific friends could not come.
  
  Then immediately make plans and do something with just her, and be generous. Take her out to dinner and a movie. Your time and attention now. This is what shows you still care about your friend, and is a lot better than hiding in shame and not dealing with it.
  
  The original reasons for giving gifts at the time of marriage is to express your warm feelings toward the couple, and give them something to start their new married life. Lots of people still give gifts whether or not they are invited to a wedding.
  
  For all you know, the trip might have cost her more time and money than she has , and she would have declined. And is very happy she came to your shower, which is what she really wanted to attend anyway. Social etiquette rules are meant to smooth social relationships by making sure everyone has the same expectations. They are not supposed to ruin otherwise good relationships.
  
  So stop worrying, and before you leave for the wedding, write the note, call this friend, and fix the friendship which matters more than the slip up.

  Report2 Reply
• Sioux1986 member

  

  January 2015

  WhatawagSBNy said:

  southernbelle0915

  
  

  I recognize it would be incredibly rude as they were invited to the shower and not the wedding. What's the etiquette approved way to invite someone to a destination wedding that is now just 1 week out?

  
  

  I am not trying to be snarky, I am seriously just confused!

  ********* There is no way to invite someone now. And by the time of the shower, friend had known for weeks that she was not invited to the wedding but came anyway. Because of her relationship with you. So when you write her thank you note for the shower gift, also write, or call her, and say that limiting invitations to the DW. to just a limited number, and only those who had time and money to make the trip was one of the hardest things you ever did because a few terrific friends could not come. Then immediately make plans and do something with just her, and be generous. Take her out to dinner and a movie. Your time and attention now. This is what shows you still care about your friend, and is a lot better than hiding in shame and not dealing with it. The original reasons for giving gifts at the time of marriage is to express your warm feelings toward the couple, and give them something to start their new married life. Lots of people still give gifts whether or not they are invited to a wedding. For all you know, the trip might have cost her more time and money than she has , and she would have declined. And is very happy she came to your shower, which is what she really wanted to attend anyway. Social etiquette rules are meant to smooth social relationships by making sure everyone has the same expectations. They are not supposed to ruin otherwise good relationships. So stop worrying, and before you leave for the wedding, write the note, call this friend, and fix the friendship which matters more than the slip up.

  Thank you so much for this. I really appreciate this detailed, clear way to handle this.

  I am off the call my friend now! Thank you again!

  Report1 Reply
• xx802xx member

  

  January 2015

  Tough situation...but I can't put all the blame to you. Your MOH planning the party should have had her final invite list approved by you before sending the invites knowing your list isn't final until you send out wedding invites.

  My only advice I could give might be a very nice thank you and maybe a lunch date. If they really are a friend they will get over not being invited to your destination wedding.

  

  Report0 Reply
• ChemFanatic25 member

  

  January 2015

  Fran1985 said:

  southernbelle0915 said:

  Hi Ladies!

  I need your sagely advice. 

  
  

  Context: Back when our guest list was in its infancy, my maid of honor asked for it to start planning my shower and bachelorette party. I granted her access to my google doc. Originally, we had a couple that my maid of honor and I are mutual friends with. Well, long story short they were cut from the guest list back before we sent STDs and invites. However, I guess my maid of honor had them on her own list from seeing them on there, and I dropped the ball and didn't tell her we took them off. 

  
  

  Fast forward to my shower last week. My friend we didn't invite was there! She gave us a lovely gift (a Kate Spade cake serving set, actually) and was super sweet and thoughtful all during the event. Now I'm writing the thank you note and have NO CLUE what to say. "Thanks for the cake set, we will think of you during the reception that we didn't invite you to"???? 

  
  

  Plus there is only 2 weeks between my shower (last week) and my wedding (next week) which is a destination wedding in Disney World, so there is no way we can even invite them now without it looking like we are totally B-listing or worse, forgot about them! (Which we didn't, we just had to make cuts due to budget, ect.) 

  
  

  So, how do I graciously write this thank you note for them? Do I mention and apologize for the mistake? 

  Thank you in advance.   

  
  

  
  

  *****************ETF boxes******************

  
  

  Your TY note would say "Thanks for the lovely gift, looking forward to seeing you at the wedding!"

  
  

  Because anyone invited to the shower must be invited to the wedding. It's your fault for not informing your MOH of guest list updates/changes. It would be incredibly rude to leave this couple off the guest list now. The right thing to do is to invite them to the wedding.

  
  I totally agree on the thought, but it would be an extreme b list at this point. I think OP just has to accept that she did something totally rude (which it sounds like she knows). I think I would just try to write the most gracious thank you note in history.

  I personally do not think what she did was so rude she should be completely ashamed. She made an honest mistake. The MOH planned the party and the MOH should have confirmed all of the guests before sending out invites. They both made a mistake with miscommunication but I don't think it was horribly rude. Now if OP had left them off the wedding list but still had them invited to the bridal shower intentionally that would have been completely rude and selfish.
  

  

  Report0 Reply
• flantastic member

  

  January 2015

  ChemFanatic25 said:

  Fran1985 said:

  southernbelle0915 said:

  Hi Ladies!

  I need your sagely advice. 

  
  

  Context: Back when our guest list was in its infancy, my maid of honor asked for it to start planning my shower and bachelorette party. I granted her access to my google doc. Originally, we had a couple that my maid of honor and I are mutual friends with. Well, long story short they were cut from the guest list back before we sent STDs and invites. However, I guess my maid of honor had them on her own list from seeing them on there, and I dropped the ball and didn't tell her we took them off. 

  
  

  Fast forward to my shower last week. My friend we didn't invite was there! She gave us a lovely gift (a Kate Spade cake serving set, actually) and was super sweet and thoughtful all during the event. Now I'm writing the thank you note and have NO CLUE what to say. "Thanks for the cake set, we will think of you during the reception that we didn't invite you to"???? 

  
  

  Plus there is only 2 weeks between my shower (last week) and my wedding (next week) which is a destination wedding in Disney World, so there is no way we can even invite them now without it looking like we are totally B-listing or worse, forgot about them! (Which we didn't, we just had to make cuts due to budget, ect.) 

  
  

  So, how do I graciously write this thank you note for them? Do I mention and apologize for the mistake? 

  Thank you in advance.   

  
  

  
  

  *****************ETF boxes******************

  
  

  Your TY note would say "Thanks for the lovely gift, looking forward to seeing you at the wedding!"

  
  

  Because anyone invited to the shower must be invited to the wedding. It's your fault for not informing your MOH of guest list updates/changes. It would be incredibly rude to leave this couple off the guest list now. The right thing to do is to invite them to the wedding.

  
  I totally agree on the thought, but it would be an extreme b list at this point. I think OP just has to accept that she did something totally rude (which it sounds like she knows). I think I would just try to write the most gracious thank you note in history.

  I personally do not think what she did was so rude she should be completely ashamed. She made an honest mistake. The MOH planned the party and the MOH should have confirmed all of the guests before sending out invites. They both made a mistake with miscommunication but I don't think it was horribly rude. Now if OP had left them off the wedding list but still had them invited to the bridal shower intentionally that would have been completely rude and selfish.
  

  Agree. MIL invited some of FIL's cousins to the shower because she had put them on her requested invite list for the wedding but supposedly didn't look at our final list (which we sent out to parents before the shower invites should have gone out) to realize that H had immediately cut them. (I say "supposedly" because I have a suspicion that she "accidentally" invited them anyway to try to guilt us into adding them to the wedding guest list.)

  Maybe OP should have sent something to her MOH to draw her attention to the fact that there had been changes, but if MOH sent out invites early and without checking it can't entirely be OP's fault.

  I think others have given you a good plan of action.
  

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