1. Sometimes brides will ask you to be part of their wedding, and then sometimes they’ll up their damn game and GIVE YOU A GIFT.
Guess I should have just kept that bottle of wine to myself and asked you via text.
2. But once you accept, you’ll be inundated with emails and texts about planning the bachelorette party, bridal shower, and actual wedding.
Emails and group texts make group planning so much easier. Would you actually rather plan to meet with all the BMs in person every time you have to communicate? Don’t you complain about this in #4?
3. The bridal shower is really just an excuse to day drink and watch someone open lingerie gifts.
Yes to drinking, no to bringing me lingerie. It’s weird. This is what registries are for. My 85 year old grandmother isn’t going to give me a new bra and neither should you.
4. Planning any events where all of the bridesmaids have to be together is like wrangling cats, and you should ask the bride for help if needed.
Why are you the one wrangling the BMs for all these events? This is my annoying task, not yours.
5. You’re going to see the bride’s naughty bits at some point.
Why are you so obsessed with buying me lingerie and seeing me naked. Please stop.
6. Buy a pack of bobby pins, because either you or some other bridesmaid will need them on the day of the wedding.
Be my guest if this is what you’re worried about.
7. No matter how hard the bride tries to pick something pretty or tasteful, you’ll never wear this dress again.
Probably not, but it’s not worth complaining about because this is how it is in most weddings. If it makes you feel better, I don't get to wear my (more expensive) dress again either.
8. But matching the other girls in the party does make you feel oddly ~special~.
Is this a bad thing?
9. Oh, and you will pay just as much to get your bridesmaid dress altered as you did to buy it.
Again, not worth complaining about, that's how it goes sometimes. And come the wedding day, no one will really care that you spent $100 on alterations.
10. If the dress is super formfitting, you will have to watch what you eat before the wedding, or wear summa these (picture of spanx).
OMG you poor thing! I’ve just been planning my wedding from the couch with a bag of potato chips and a 32oz beer because no one will be looking at me all day, they’ll be looking at you!
11. You will have to attend a lot of parties, and at some point you will start to wonder why there are so damn many of them.
Yes, there are a few parties and it must be such a pain for you to keep track of all of them. I hope you’re not stressed out! As a recall, me, my fiancé, and our families hosted you AND your date at the engagement party, bridal shower, rehearsal dinner, and wedding. What assholes we are, sorry to keep inviting you to them!
12. You will discover an entire world of bachelorette party planning you never knew existed.
I don’t see what’s wrong with a simple penis balloon display and some cocktails, but if you want to discover a whole new world of party planning, be my guest.
13. Being a bridesmaid means you’re also unofficially part of the decorations committee.
Decorations committee? I’m having a wedding not a high school prom.
14. You will fight with one of the bridesmaids about the decorations at some point during this process.
Again, this isn’t the prom. None of you will be doing shit except for buying your dresses and complaining about them, and entering new worlds of bachelorette party planning.
15. And you’ll probably be asked to DIY something, even if you’ve never done that before.
You can do-it-yourself get-out-of-my-face.
16. If the bride wants a themed party, that means you’re going to spend way more money than you anticipated on things like matching tees, hats, and party gear. You luck out here, instead of matching tees and hats we’ll just wear normal clothes since we’re adults having a fun night out, not students on a 4th grade field trip.
17. The wedding day will start EARLY, because you’ll have to be hair- and makeup-ready by noon to take photos.
Oh my God, NOON?? Will you be able to make it to the wedding okay?
18. The shoes you (or the bride) end up choosing can be a decision between life and falling on your fucking face.
I’ll probably just ask you to pick a pair of heels in a certain color to wear, so just get comfortable wearing them before the wedding. But there is a small chance I may show up that morning with a pair of 9 inch stilettos for you all, so just be prepared!
19. The person you walk down the aisle with is not always a perfect match, and you’re just gonna have to deal.
Oh yeah, I should have told you that when I pair you up with a groomsman to walk with, he’s your date for the whole night and you also have to get married someday.
20. Not having a date to the wedding when you’re a bridesmaid means that your unofficial date is alcohol.
I think we need to talk about your drinking problem.
21. Something WILL go wrong on the day of the wedding. Just accept that.
Once again, I hope you’re not too stressed out about this! I promise your day will be perfect no matter what!
22. And because things inevitably go wrong, even the most low-maintenance brides will have a bridezilla moment.
If you keep complaining about how hard it is to be a bridesmaid while I’m preparing for one of the most important days of my life, yes, I will flip my shit.
23. The wedding day is HARD WORK, like a job, and you’ll be asked to do weird shit.
Like getting ready and taking photos, and then enjoying the reception while my husband and I have to continue to host and talk to everyone?
24. Like, you may have to help the bride pee during the wedding by holding up her dress while she squats.
Seriously, stop trying to see my lady privates.
25. Your face will actually hurt from smiling for so many photos, and you’ll need to take a time-out.
Whatever you need to relax, this is your day and I don’t want your face to hurt from all the smiles. Luckily you get to finish up soon and I have to be in pictures for the six remaining hours today, but you go ahead and just take a time out.
26. Even if you barely know the other bridesmaids, you all will be bonded together in unity the day of.
Probably from all the booze you drank.
27. Especially when the bride is off doing bride thangs, and you all have time to just relax and enjoy the fact that you’re in these matching dresses.
Bride thangs, oh you mean my wedding? Yeah, what a drag, sorry I couldn’t stick around you all night long and admire your dress for the entirety of the reception!
28. And after the ceremony, speeches, and dinner, you’ll actually be able to dance and drink and have a fucking fantastic time.
Yay you get to finally relax! Please have a glass of wine for me while I make sure everyone is properly thanked and greeted, make sure Uncle Bill doesn’t have too much alcohol, make sure the photographer doesn’t leave too early, make sure the DJ plays the right music all night, make sure the shuttle plans to pick everyone up on time, make sure everything is set up for the after party, and make sure everyone gets home all right! I’m so glad you are able to finally dance and drink and have a great time. You deserve this.