What to do?

novella1186 · January 2015

Sorry, this will probably be long. I'm going to try to cover all the relevant information...

One of my BMs-- let's call her Sam-- is on a tight budget. I'm letting the girls pick their own dresses and shoes. I told them they can wear any shoes they want, including flats, sandals, whatever (to hopefully save them from having to buy a new pair if they don't want to). And obviously they can wear whatever accessories they want.

I'm paying for them to get their hair and make-up done, which I hadn't really budgeted for, but apparently none of them are comfortable doing their own hair (even though I don't care how it's done) and a few of them never wear make-up so they wanted some help with it. I didn't want to add an extra cost or stress for them, so I decided to just hire someone and pick up the tab.

I also found a house for the WP to rent. So far, 4 of the GMs are staying in it as well as 2 BMs and it's less than $100 per person for the weekend. (Obviously if more people join then it's gonna cost even less, and the house sleeps 12 so there's plenty more room).

And then, because I was having such a hard time renting the little house I found, FI and I are now renting a really big house. Our budget was $500 but this house is $1,200. My mom had apparently planned on paying for our hotel room (didn't know this) so she asked if she could instead contribute to the cost of renting the house. Then one of my BMs seemed worried about how rowdy the WP house would be, so I offered her and her husband a spot in my house and she offered to split the cost. I lied and said it would be $150 per couple for the weekend (because what was I gonna do? Tell her to pay $600? Nope!). Then another BM expressed an interest in sharing the house and said $150 sounds good to her. At this point I hadn't actually booked the house yet because it was so over budget, but I had enough help between mom and BMs that I could manage the cost. So I'm now going to make the same offer to the other girls just to be fair, since $150 for the weekend is about half the cost of hotels in the area (which are about $140 per night).

I'm trying to make this as inexpensive as possible for everyone.

Sam mentioned that she was having a hard time finding a dress. I found several that were $50 and under, and sent links to her. Then she complained of having to spend $200 on a BM dress for another wedding that happened a few months ago, and I saw that it was a pink dress and kind of fit the specifications for my wedding, so I told her I was fine with her re-wearing that one if she wanted to. At least then it would be free, and she'd get to wear it twice. How often does that happen? But she said she didn't want to do that. No big deal; it's her choice.

I then text her to give her the info on the house. She lives about an hour from the wedding venue, and said she might not stay for the weekend. She might drive up for the rehearsal dinner, then back home, then back up the next morning for hair and makeup and all the rest of it, then back home again after the wedding. I'm totally fine with her doing that. Honestly, I wouldn't even be mad if she skipped the rehearsal/rehearsal dinner just to save her the extra trips driving back and forth. But she said the reason she might just drive back home is because she can't really afford to stay in the house with us.

I don't know what else to do. I was considering telling her she could just stay in the house for free, but then that's not fair to the girls who plan on paying. I can't really afford to let everyone stay for free. But I could potentially have it be just between Sam and I that she didn't have to pay, and no one else needs to know. But again, doesn't seem fair, plus it's kind of dishonest.

Part of me really wants to do whatever I can to help her out. Part of me thinks, ok I made all the offers I can make, now I have to leave it up to her to do whatever it is she needs to do. She's an adult. She can figure this out for herself. I want to make this easy on everyone and make it affordable for everyone but I also want to be fair. In case you guys haven't caught on by now, I tend to worry about details and over-think things. What would you guys do in this situation? Forget it, or keep trying to help?

huskypuppy14 · January 2015

I would let her stay for free. Just tell her to be discreet because other's are paying. It seems you are paying the difference anyway, so it doesn't matter if she stays or not, you still have to pay for it.

novella1186 · January 2015

huskypuppy14 said:

I would let her stay for free. Just tell her to be discreet because other's are paying. It seems you are paying the difference anyway, so it doesn't matter if she stays or not, you still have to pay for it.

That's kind of what I was thinking, was that whether she stays for free or doesn't stay at all, I'm still covering the cost. It's not like her not paying to stay will then make it unaffordable. But then I go back the other way-- that the other girls have budgets too but they are paying. Ugh!

ETF words

lovegood90 · January 2015

Sounds like you're doing tons for your BMs and being very understanding! It's great that you're trying to help everyone out especially because I believe in another post there was a problem with finding hotels? Unless I'm getting things confused, haha.

But honestly I'd just stay out of it. If she wants to go back home after the wedding then I'd just leave it. I think it's a slippery slope in case something slips out about you paying for her, etc and it causing hurt feelings or something. However you know your friends better than I do, I'm just saying what I would do.

bethsmiles · January 2015

I think you've been a really great friend. From your post it sounds like you've made this as low cost for her as possible - it could be pretty much zero cost if she wore the dress from the other wedding.

I don't think you need to find a way for her to stay in the house. I do think it would be unfair to the others who are paying their share. She is an adult, she should be able to figure this out and with how inexpensive you are making this for everyone, I don't think you are putting any unfair financial burden on her.

huskypuppy14 · January 2015

novella1186 said:

huskypuppy14 said:

I would let her stay for free. Just tell her to be discreet because other's are paying. It seems you are paying the difference anyway, so it doesn't matter if she stays or not, you still have to pay for it.

That's kind of what I was thinking, was that whether she stays for free or doesn't stay at all, I'm still covering the cost. It's not like her not paying to stay will then make it unaffordable. But then I go back the other way-- that the other girls have budgets too but they are paying. Ugh!

ETF words

Yeah, but you didn't solicit the house to the other bm, they expressed interest in it. Also, some people may pay for one bridesmaid's dress if she can't afford it, but that doesn't mean she pays for everyone's. What's fair is not always equal. As long as Sam doesn't go around saying Novella's paying for me to stay here, no one will know.

hellosweetie1015 · January 2015

If she can be discreet, then I'd offer to have her stay in the house.

It's worth noting, though, that an hour drive there and back isn't bad, certainly. I know people in my "work peer group" (i.e. some of the other legal secretaries I work with in the area) who drive further than that for work every day. I wouldn't mind doing it for a wedding, certainly.

novella1186 · January 2015

lovegood90 said:

Sounds like you're doing tons for your BMs and being very understanding! It's great that you're trying to help everyone out especially because I believe in another post there was a problem with finding hotels? Unless I'm getting things confused, haha.
But honestly I'd just stay out of it. If she wants to go back home after the wedding then I'd just leave it. I think it's a slippery slope in case something slips out about you paying for her, etc and it causing hurt feelings or something. However you know your friends better than I do, I'm just saying what I would do.

SIB
You are correct about the bolded, which is why we all ended up migrating to rented houses. There's still a hotel block available but not as many rooms as we thought, and all the guests are out of town, so I wanted to make sure the WP had a place to stay no matter what. Bonus that the houses ended up costing a lot less per person than hotel rooms!

Thanks for the advice. It is a slippery slope... I feel like I've been more and more lenient with the dress requirements and now I'm paying for hair and makeup, and now I'm taking the majority of the cost of this house to save them money (which is fine because it's my wedding, so I feel like I should be taking on more cost than them) but I don't know where to draw the line.

ETF words

BrandNewJ · January 2015

I think it's fine to let her stay in the house for free as long as she doesn't broadcast it. I offered different things to my bridesmaids because they all have different levels of financial stability and live varying distances from the venue (local to across the country). Do whatever y want with your money and your space. You're good.

lovegood90 · January 2015

novella1186 said:

lovegood90 said:

Sounds like you're doing tons for your BMs and being very understanding! It's great that you're trying to help everyone out especially because I believe in another post there was a problem with finding hotels? Unless I'm getting things confused, haha.
But honestly I'd just stay out of it. If she wants to go back home after the wedding then I'd just leave it. I think it's a slippery slope in case something slips out about you paying for her, etc and it causing hurt feelings or something. However you know your friends better than I do, I'm just saying what I would do.

SIB
You are correct about the bolded, which is why we all ended up migrating to rented houses. There's still a hotel block available but not as many rooms as we thought, and all the guests are out of town, so I wanted to make sure the WP had a place to stay no matter what. Bonus that the houses ended up costing a lot less per person than hotel rooms!

Thanks for the advice. It is a slippery slope... I feel like I've been more and more lenient with the dress requirements and now I'm paying for hair and makeup, and now I'm taking the majority of the cost of this house to save them money (which is fine because it's my wedding, so I feel like I should be taking on more cost than them) but I don't know where to draw the line.

ETF words

To the bolded: yes, this is so hard for me too! Honestly, paying for hair and makeup was already above and beyond and you've been extremely lenient with the dresses. Literally the cost to her if she decides to use her other BM dress is $0.

Now, I'm not saying that BMs need to be prepared to spend money to be in a wedding (other than the cost of a dress in their budget), but when she agreed to be in this wedding she knew that it was an hour away and that she'd have to make some kind of travel plan (which could include a drive or a hotel stay). If she can't afford to stay overnight then I don't think you should feel guilty about drawing the line here and having her figure it out.

littlemushroom · January 2015

Let her figure it out. It is not fair to anyone else that she gets to stay for free when they are paying. I bet everyone would love to save their $150 for other things, but that is not how it works. Everyone should be treated the same, especially considering how little cost they are incurring for the rest of it.

Honestly, a 1 hour drive is nothing. My husband drives that far to and from work everyday. It is completely doable for her to drive there and back the same day if she doesn't want to spend the money to stay.

huskypuppy14 · January 2015

Can she stay in the other house that the one bm didn't want to stay in, and that the 4 gm are staying? You said it was under 100 per person. That's an option for her, especially if she doesn't have to buy a dress.

princessofgenovia · January 2015

How close are you to Sam?

If it were me that'd totally influence my decsion. If she were my BFF since forever, then I'd be like "You know you can stay here, don't worry about the money, but keep it on the DL". But if were just close, I'd let her figure it out.

But also keep in mind, she might be using "Oh shucks I can't afford it" as an excuse. She might want to actually go back home and offering up a freebie house might make it harder for her to say "For real, I just want to sleep in my own bed".

novella1186 · January 2015

huskypuppy14 said:

Can she stay in the other house that the one bm didn't want to stay in, and that the 4 gm are staying? You said it was under 100 per person. That's an option for her, especially if she doesn't have to buy a dress.

The only problem is, I THINK if she stays, her SO and toddler will also stay with her. I thought she might prefer staying in my house just because there will only be a few of us and it will be more low-key, so it might be a better place for her toddler and SO to stay too. (I don't have kids but I'm guessing I wouldn't want my toddler to stay in a rowdy house with a bunch of drunk people). She knows almost all the GMs and they tend to drink a lot and get rowdy, which I'm sure they'll do when they're all staying in a house together for the weekend.

But obviously that's an option to her. I just wanted to make sure she knew what all of her options are, and that I'm fine with whatever she does. If it works for her to stay in the WP house-- just her, or with her SO and kid-- no problem. If it works for her to stay in my house, or a hotel, or drive home, no problem.

I'm a little worried about her having to do all that driving. Especially since she's a busy mom who works full-time. And especially if she's tired by the end of the day or wants to drink. But again, she's an adult, so I'm sure she's capable of deciding what will work for her.

BrandNewJ · January 2015

novella1186 said:

huskypuppy14 said:

Can she stay in the other house that the one bm didn't want to stay in, and that the 4 gm are staying? You said it was under 100 per person. That's an option for her, especially if she doesn't have to buy a dress.

The only problem is, I THINK if she stays, her SO and toddler will also stay with her. I thought she might prefer staying in my house just because there will only be a few of us and it will be more low-key, so it might be a better place for her toddler and SO to stay too. (I don't have kids but I'm guessing I wouldn't want my toddler to stay in a rowdy house with a bunch of drunk people). She knows almost all the GMs and they tend to drink a lot and get rowdy, which I'm sure they'll do when they're all staying in a house together for the weekend.

But obviously that's an option to her. I just wanted to make sure she knew what all of her options are, and that I'm fine with whatever she does. If it works for her to stay in the WP house-- just her, or with her SO and kid-- no problem. If it works for her to stay in my house, or a hotel, or drive home, no problem.

I'm a little worried about her having to do all that driving. Especially since she's a busy mom who works full-time. And especially if she's tired by the end of the day or wants to drink. But again, she's an adult, so I'm sure she's capable of deciding what will work for her.

I change my opinion based on this. It kind of sounds like she'd prefer to stay home with her family instead of uprooting the toddler for one or two nights. Let her drive, don't overthink it. She said what she said for a reason.

princessofgenovia · January 2015

Yeah, given that she has a kid, she might just want to take her family home for the night. Toddlers can be a pain in the ass to get to sleep in their own beds, never mind in a strange house.

novella1186 · January 2015

princessofgenovia said:

How close are you to Sam?

If it were me that'd totally influence my decsion. If she were my BFF since forever, then I'd be like "You know you can stay here, don't worry about the money, but keep it on the DL". But if were just close, I'd let her figure it out.

But also keep in mind, she might be using "Oh shucks I can't afford it" as an excuse. She might want to actually go back home and offering up a freebie house might make it harder for her to say "For real, I just want to sleep in my own bed".

SIB
lol! Yeah, the bolded hadn't even occurred to me. Maybe she really just doesn't feel like staying. I don't blame her if that's the case. I'm the type to prefer sleeping in my own bed. I just wanted to be helpful, ya know?

It also seems odd to me that she told me all about the costs of this other wedding she was recently in and it was A LOT. Not just the couple hundred dollars for the dress, but also another couple hundred for required hair and make-up, and whatever else she said. So about $500.

So part of me is kind of like "Really, I'm offering you everything I possibly can and trying to make my wedding essentially free for you, and it's still too expensive?" But the logical/sane/nice part of me know that just because she spent money on this other wedding doesn't mean she can afford stuff for mine. Her finances might have changed or she decided to be more careful with her finances or realize that being a BM is a huge waste of money or just doesn't want to spend a lot. Whatever it may be, it's none of my business.

That's another reason I'm not sure where to draw the line with helping.

novella1186 · January 2015

BrandNewJ princessofgenovia you guys are right, that's another thing I hadn't thought of. I'm sure travelling with a toddler is tough. For all I know, she hadn't even intended on bringing him with to the wedding. I was just assuming she would, but I was wrong for assuming that. Maybe I'll just leave it alone and let her decide what's best for her to do. Now she knows the options, so now she can make whatever choice.

theartistformerlyknownas · January 2015

I think you have to consider whether the other people staying in that house would want to stay there with a toddler, too. Honestly I'd just let her make her own choices... I drive an hour each way to work, so that wouldn't bother me for a wedding. You've done more than enough to be accommodating to everyone but I think you're at the breaking point now where it'll just make things more complicated.

novella1186 · January 2015

lolo883 said:

I think you have to consider whether the other people staying in that house would want to stay there with a toddler, too. Honestly I'd just let her make her own choices... I drive an hour each way to work, so that wouldn't bother me for a wedding. You've done more than enough to be accommodating to everyone but I think you're at the breaking point now where it'll just make things more complicated.

But I'm so good at getting to that point and then pushing it! Are you saying I SHOULDN'T make things more complicated? Ugh.

In all seriousness, though, you're totally right. I need to give this up, for the sake of my own sanity lol

southernbelle0915 · January 2015

I agree with everyone else. I'd just offer it up for free but ask her to be discreet about it.

I ended up buying one of my BMs dresses. Originally, it worked for her budget and she helped pick it, but for a couple of reasons, she fell on some hard times after the others had already ordered. She felt really bad and I think she was embarrassed, but it was honestly no big deal at all. She's my best friend - I'd do a lot more for her than buy a BM dress.

jenna8984 · January 2015

I drove an hour home from my own wedding haha. That is not far at all. It definitely sounds like she prefers to stay home with her child so I'd just not worry about it. I don't even have kids and I can't stand staying anywhere with other people, especially if the groomsmen would be drinking. I don't drink so I just hate being trapped in a house with that. My best friend wanted me to sleep over for her birthday and I wouldn't even do it because she was having a huge party and I knew I'd be pestered and kept up all night. Pluuuus your house isn't exactly going to be low key and quiet anymore if you're offering it up to like 5 more couples...just saying!

LadyMillil · January 2015

novella1186 said:

huskypuppy14 said:

Can she stay in the other house that the one bm didn't want to stay in, and that the 4 gm are staying? You said it was under 100 per person. That's an option for her, especially if she doesn't have to buy a dress.

The only problem is, I THINK if she stays, her SO and toddler will also stay with her. I thought she might prefer staying in my house just because there will only be a few of us and it will be more low-key, so it might be a better place for her toddler and SO to stay too. (I don't have kids but I'm guessing I wouldn't want my toddler to stay in a rowdy house with a bunch of drunk people). She knows almost all the GMs and they tend to drink a lot and get rowdy, which I'm sure they'll do when they're all staying in a house together for the weekend.

But obviously that's an option to her. I just wanted to make sure she knew what all of her options are, and that I'm fine with whatever she does. If it works for her to stay in the WP house-- just her, or with her SO and kid-- no problem. If it works for her to stay in my house, or a hotel, or drive home, no problem.

I'm a little worried about her having to do all that driving. Especially since she's a busy mom who works full-time. And especially if she's tired by the end of the day or wants to drink. But again, she's an adult, so I'm sure she's capable of deciding what will work for her.

I drive an hour each way for work on a good day. If I know I have a long day or am tired I get a coffee or bring a pop with me. We frequently have socials with drinking after work and I make the choice to take transit, have a few sips only, or just know I can't drink at all. Honestly, if I had a kid or lived an hour away from a venue I would just drive there and back instead of paying to stay overnight. Sam's an adult, she should be able to handle all these issues. It's great that you care about her so much!

lovemesomemonster · January 2015

It sounds like you have done a lot for your bridal party and that is so nice of you. I would just leave it be, you really have taken them into consideration with everything and even telling her to use the same dress she has for another wedding. If you get in the middle of it, you may end up down a never ending path and if anyone finds out and other feelings get hurt that she's not paying to stay you wouldn't want to have to deal with that on top of getting ready for your wedding.

novella1186 · January 2015

Thanks for the help, guys! I would go nuts if I didn't get to talk this crap out on TK. You ladies are so super helpful with my neurotic worrying :P

WhatawagSBNy · January 2015

The money issues may be real. But I think an hour drive is not bad. And any group overnight with WP will be too SOMETHING. Because she really wants to be home with her husband and toddler.

Stop worrying. She has one suitable dress in the closet. So if she never liked it, she will get a new one. And she already wore it once, so she will live through doing it again.

Sounds to me that all of these excuses might have been to avoid being in the rented house, dorm party with the bride all night, and really if you would let it go instead of trying so hard to make it work, she will just do a workday length commute after a normal night with husband and child.

Seems to me, most of us get married with an idea that happiness is being home most every night with DH and our children. So let her do it. Offer her a space to leave stuff if she is not getting dressed at home. That way after hair and makeup she can just pull out the dress.

You are creating stress for yourself with your eagerness to please. Stop that. Enjoy this time.

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