Help. (Sort of maybe a vent?)

Re: Help. (Sort of maybe a vent?)

• flantastic member

  

  January 2015

  "I'm not even close to thinking about this stuff right now, but I'll file that suggestion away in my memory banks. Thanks!"

  Rinse, repeat.

  I thought it was fairly inappropriate for MIL to be suggesting first dance songs for H and I anyway, but I wouldn't bring that up to her.

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• southernbelle0915 mod

  

  January 2015

  "Thanks for your suggestion/idea/thoughts. We'll think about that/take that into consideration/have to remember that."

  
  

  Then do whatever you want. Some people are super into weddings and offer a ton of suggestions or you "have" to do this/that. Repeat the line above as necessary - which will probably be a lot.

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• vulpiepop member

  

  January 2015

  "I'm not thinking about dances right now but thank you for your suggestion! I'll consider it when it's time to think about dances."

  
  

  

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• bethsmiles member

  

  January 2015

  Meh, I don't think she has a right to a spotlight dance.

  I'd probably respond with "We're leaning towards no dances right now but I'll keep your suggestions in mind." If you aren't going to do the dances, she might as well start hearing it now.

  
  

  
  

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• mrsk616 member

  

  January 2015

  i want to do a first dance and father/daughter dance because i am close with my dad. FI does not want to because his mom is getting to the point she may not be able to walk at all. (back issues etc) just tell her thanks for the suggestion and that you will put some thought into and leave it at that. let him tell her he doesnt want to dance etc.

  

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• rcher912 member

  

  January 2015

  I just want to say that your attitude about all of this is right on point. Keep it moving, sister. 

  
  

  The decision is for you and FI.

  
  

  FI should communicate said decision to FMIL, especially if there may be a bit of sensitivity coming.

  
  

  You are so not there yet. Get a venue. Make sure you're actually getting married (officiant and all, haha), and THEN worry about that stuff. 

  
  

  
  

  I would say, though, that if you're looking at a venue that wouldn't be good for dancing (restaurant or whatever), just make sure to remind FI that this might come up - not as "we shouldn't do it", but a "if this is what we love, this is the conversation you're going to have with your mama"

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• OliveOilsMom member

  

  January 2015

  hellosweetie1015 said:

  FI's mom is SO MUCH MORE interested in our wedding than FI and I are.

  
  

  She texted me asking my thoughts about All of Me by John Legend for our first dance song. Now - I love that song. I do. Overplayed my ass, they could play it on a constant loop 24/7 for a solid month and I'd still love that song. BUT. I don't see it as something FI and I would enjoy dancing to. If I had my druthers, we'd dance to Breathe by Angels and Airwaves (from about the second verse forward, anyway). Our current thought, though, is that we won't be having any dancing at our reception, not even spotlights, simply because we're not really that big into dancing (aside from goofy jigs and such other not-wedding-appropriate things).

  
  

  So I texted her back, saying we weren't thinking there'd be dancing at our reception, but that I did love the song and it was on my radar, at least, for the background music.

  
  

  She texts me back saying that even if we don't dance the whole reception, I should dance with my dad, and she should dance with FI, and we should have our first dance.

  
  

  You guys. 

  
  

  Firstly, dancing (or not dancing) at the reception is so far off my radar right this second. We've discussed it, yes, because if we want to dance we have to find a venue that has the space for it, and more space is more money. But - wholly aside from that - right now I haven't even got a for-sure officiant; he has eight whole months and three whole counseling sessions to tell me I'm an unmarriable heathen and kick me out of his office, and I feel lucky he didn't do that in the fifteen minutes we spent with him Sunday. And shit, even if WEREN'T afraid of being kicked out of the officiant's office, I don't even have a venue for the reception yet, or a caterer, or anything. These things are FAR more important than what song FI and I choose to dance to, if we even choose to dance at all. I have so much big-picture crap to do that the minutiae of our potential first dance isn't even a thought at this point. I mean shit I am eight months out and I do not have a reception venue. I have so much bigger fish to fry right now.

  
  

  But I can't tell her that, because she has a freaking point - she has the right to dance with her son at his wedding, and I'll be DAMNED if I'm the one that tells her he doesn't really want to dance at all. I have no business passing that info along; that's FI's job. Besides, he may not have even thought about dancing with his mom, and if I say, "Oh, I don't think we're doing spotlight dances" I know she's going to text FI all sad (which is totally, 100% reasonable for her to do) and then he's gonna realize that it IS a thing people do at weddings and be pissed that I made that decision for him. 

  
  

  But I don't want to just leave her HANGING because I feel like I should give her some sort of response, but "You're totally right" is an outright lie, especially when I know for a fact that we've talked specifically about the first dance and how neither one of us is sure it's gonna be a thing we do (and in fact we're both pretty sure it's a thing we WON'T be doing), and I feel like that carries over to the spotlight dances with our parents as well.

  
  

  And, I mean, I'd rather have them than have a stink raised ABOUT them, even though I don't dance and FI doesn't dance and us dancing is just going to be this awkward middle-school kind of rock-and-circle BS. I literally do not care. FI and I will be married by that point and I honest-to-God do not give a shit what happens after that.

  Others have spoken about what to do with FMIL.  As for the bolded paragraph, make sure your FI knows that his mom will want to do the mother/son dance with him.  Tell him that it happens at a lot of weddings (if he hasn't been to many himself to witness).  That way whatever decision he makes about the dance will be his and he can't "get pissed" at your for making that decision for him.  As long as FI has all the info, he can't get mad at your for any decision.

  My H was very clueless as to certain things when it came to planning our wedding.  He thought that he should have asked more GM so that sides were even, he didn't know about GM gifts, B&G gifts to each other, B&G giving a thank you toast at the RD, etc.  So as we went along, I would ask him something and based on his response would inform him of typical wedding stuff. 

  

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• ElcaB member

  

  January 2015

  A simple, "I'll share your thoughts with FI" would be fine, I think. She should really be pushing her ideas on him, not you anyway...because what FDIL is going to refuse their FMIL's requests and feel okay about it?

  

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• hellosweetie1015 member

  

  January 2015

  I went with "The whole reception part of the wedding hasn't even been promoted to "back burner" status yet, but I'll talk to FI about it when I get a chance."

  
  

  I don't think he's ever been to a wedding, at all. So I definitely need to address the mother/son dance concept with him, I guess. Hadn't even crossed my mind, frankly. 

  
  

  What bothered (bothers) me about it is, yeah, I'm the FDIL, and I'm not gonna turn down her suggestions, but also I'm a people pleaser in general, so I really just don't want to rock the boat anyway. Combining the two may very well turn me into a wishy washy doormat.

  

  
  

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• theartistformerlyknownas member

  

  January 2015

  OK no, she does not have "a right" to dance with her son at his wedding. Nobody has the right to decide what you two participate in except for you. This isn't even a pay=say thing - she ain't payin' you to dance. Get the idea OUT of your head that anyone has the right to control your actions.

  
  

  Then repeat what everyone else is saying. "Not really to that part of the planning but I'll keep it in mind, thanks!" And have your FI be the one to tell his mom if he's choosing not to dance.

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• hellosweetie1015 member

  

  January 2015

  @bethsmiles and @lolo883

  
  

  Y'all are right, haha, she doesn't have a right to demand a dance. She does have the right to want one, though, which I guess is what I meant. I dunno, haha.

  

  
  

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• theartistformerlyknownas member

  

  January 2015

  hellosweetie1015 said:

  @bethsmiles and @lolo883

  
  

  Y'all are right, haha, she doesn't have a right to demand a dance. She does have the right to want one, though, which I guess is what I meant. I dunno, haha.

  She can 'want' in one hand and shit in the other and see which one fills up faster.

  
  

  Seriously though... you CANNOT bog yourself down with what other people want out of your wedding. Once you start, it's really hard not to let it spiral out of control. 

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• hellosweetie1015 member

  

  January 2015

  lolo883 said:

  hellosweetie1015 said:

  @bethsmiles and @lolo883

  
  

  Y'all are right, haha, she doesn't have a right to demand a dance. She does have the right to want one, though, which I guess is what I meant. I dunno, haha.

  She can 'want' in one hand and shit in the other and see which one fills up faster.

  
  

  Seriously though... you CANNOT bog yourself down with what other people want out of your wedding. Once you start, it's really hard not to let it spiral out of control. 

  Yeah... I've noticed this. That's why it took us this long to agree on a damn ceremony venue. My mom wants it here. She told me yesterday that it was "disappointing" that we'd chosen to use FI's church. 

  
  

  Le sigh.

  

  
  

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• princessleia22 member

  

  January 2015

  I agree with others that the proper response is that you aren't thinking about dancing decisions yet, but will keep her opinion in mind when you do make decisions on it.

  We debated no dancing, until our families chimed in.  We did about 60-seconds of spotlight first dance, then DJ invited everyone to join us on the dance floor.  DJ announced father-daughter and mother-son dances, but they weren't solo spotlight dances and we had all other guests invited to join on the dance floor. Honestly, the first dance and parent dances were the only time DH and I were on the dance floor. We had a small wedding (25 guests).  At any given time we had maybe 10 people dancing at most.  But, people did wander in and out of the dance floor and enjoyed it.  Even though most people sat around and talked, I'm still glad we had the dancing available.  

   

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• novella1186 member

  

  January 2015

  I'm sorry this is stressing you out. I recommend wine! I can relate to this; I hate dancing while everyone is staring at me and I have a shitty relationship with my dad so I will definitely not be dancing with him, but I haven't told him this yet. The shit will hit the fan when I do. I don't know how he will react... he probably won't say much but may throw a huge tantrum (like a literal tantrum) on the actual wedding day, and I will inevitably be bombarded by big sobby theatrical guilt trips from my mother. Whatever. 

  
  

  Talk to your FI about what you both want. Come to a solid agreement. Then put your foot down and keep it down! Lolo is right; you can't get bogged down by what everyone ELSE wants for your wedding because it really does become a runaway train. If your FMIL doesn't like what the two of you decide on, that's too bad for her. It's not her wedding. But I also agree that it's up to your FI to hash this out with her.  

  

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• KatieinBkln member

  

  January 2015

  I sometimes fall into the trap of thinking I have to give people a solid answer (either pleasing them or disappointing them, depending on the question) right away.

  But you are allowed to buy yourself time. If people are pressing you (or you feel pressed; doesn't really matter which it is), always remember that you're allowed to hedge, pass the buck, or just straight-up change the subject. All the PPs wording suggestions come down to the same thing, which is kindly putting someone's needs/suggestions/emotions to one side while you figure out just WTF to even do with all that shit. Happily, when it comes to MILs, the answer is almost always, "Let your FI deal with his own mom." You get to assure her that you'll think about all her suggestions (and you will, even if that thought is "Aw HELL naw!") and he can be bad cop later if necessary.

  I totally feel you on feeling like you're forced to give a "real" answer right away, though. Try to remind yourself that in almost all human interactions, the idea that you have to answer "yea" or "nay" is actually a false dichotomy. There's a whole world of maybes and grey areas and cheerful "I actually have no idea about that yet!"s at your disposal.

  
  

  This baby knows exactly how I feel

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• hellosweetie1015 member

  

  January 2015 edited January 2015

  KatieinBkln said:

  I sometimes fall into the trap of thinking I have to give people a solid answer (either pleasing them or disappointing them, depending on the question) right away.

  But you are allowed to buy yourself time. If people are pressing you (or you feel pressed; doesn't really matter which it is), always remember that you're allowed to hedge, pass the buck, or just straight-up change the subject. All the PPs wording suggestions come down to the same thing, which is kindly putting someone's needs/suggestions/emotions to one side while you figure out just WTF to even do with all that shit. Happily, when it comes to MILs, the answer is almost always, "Let your FI deal with his own mom." You get to assure her that you'll think about all her suggestions (and you will, even if that thought is "Aw HELL naw!") and he can be bad cop later if necessary.

  I totally feel you on feeling like you're forced to give a "real" answer right away, though. Try to remind yourself that in almost all human interactions, the idea that you have to answer "yea" or "nay" is actually a false dichotomy. There's a whole world of maybes and grey areas and cheerful "I actually have no idea about that yet!"s at your disposal.

  Yeah... this is an issue I have pretty frequently about everything. I would rather give a solid answer, now, than shove it off to someone else later. 

  
  

  The thing is (and this is general and not related specifically to KatieinBkln), I don't care. I really don't. FI and I will be married at that point, so if she wants the spotlights and it will make her happy, I'll figure it out. I really honestly think that the church could grow eight legs the morning of the wedding and walk away to join its spiderchurch kin and I'd be okay, so long as the officiant wasn't inside when it walked off. Just HAVING the wedding, as opposed to going to the courthouse, is for our parents more than us. 

  
  

  
  

  ETA: Thanks for reminding me that I don't have to actually TELL her anything though, y'all. I can totally push her back until tomorrow or next week. 

  

  
  

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• hellosweetie1015 member

  

  January 2015 edited January 2015

  scribe95 said:

  You can avoid the discussion with her. But honestly it is a pretty big detail to decide before you go further into planning. You can't look at venues until you know whether there will be dancing or not right? 

  Well, the thing is - FI and I had already decided we didn't want dancing. We're under 30 total, and aside from his parents, we don't think anyone would actually dance. And we don't care about the spotlight dances ourselves. 

  
  

  I do think that just the spotlights could be done in a restaurant venue, if we do change our minds or whatever, pretty easily. 30 people in a restaurant room would probably allow for space for a few 90-second dances, right? If we said we needed four or six square feet in the center of the room, they could set it up to allow for that? 

  
  

  ETA I also think she is under the impression that we'll be using the fellowship hall of their church as well. Which honestly we probably will. It's easy and cheap. That's why we went with their church. I'm sick of planning and having my plans implode on me before I can even lay groundwork, and I honestly don't care about it so long as I get to marry FI, so it's whatever.

  

  
  

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• [Deleted User] member

  

  January 2015

  I'd tell your fiance about the conversation so he can address it with his mom.  Whether or not they dance has nothing to do with whether or not the two of you dance or if you dance with your dad.  It's not an "all or none" thing.
  
  There's a very good chance FI and I won't be having dancing at our wedding- we don't dance in every day life and we're NOT good at it.  It's not us.  I told him that if he wants to have a first dance we can, but no lessons and no choreography- we're doing the middle school sway.  He still hasn't decided. 
  
  I won't be dancing with my dad regardless; if FI wants to dance with his mom it's up to him / them to figure out.
  
  I'd suggest the same to you.
  
  

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• levieenrose member

  

  January 2015 edited January 2015

  hellosweetie1015 said: scribe95 said: You can avoid the discussion with her. But honestly it is a pretty big detail to decide before you go further into planning. You can't look at venues until you know whether there will be dancing or not right?  Well, the thing is - FI and I had already decided we didn't want dancing. We're under 30 total, and aside from his parents, we don't think anyone would actually dance. And we don't care about the spotlight dances ourselves. 
  I do think that just the spotlights could be done in a restaurant venue, if we do change our minds or whatever, pretty easily. 30 people in a restaurant room would probably allow for space for a few 90-second dances, right? If we said we needed four or six square feet in the center of the room, they could set it up to allow for that? 
  ETA I also think she is under the impression that we'll be using the fellowship hall of their church as well. Which honestly we probably will. It's easy and cheap. That's why we went with their church. I'm sick of planning and having my plans implode on me before I can even lay groundwork, and I honestly don't care about it so long as I get to marry FI, so it's whatever.
  
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  Whoa, whoa, whoa boxes!
  
  I bolded the above as a reminder that you have a good head on your shoulders. Stick to your guns when the two of you do make a decision, and let Fi figure out whatever he needs to with his mom. 

  
  
  You got this! 

  Then happy I, that love and am beloved 

  Where I may not remove nor be removed.

   --William Shakespeare (Sonnet 25)

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• hellosweetie1015 member

  

  January 2015

  Thanks, y'all. 

  
  

  I talked to FI last night about it, and he said that he 100% didn't want to dance, at all. He does want to make some concessions to his mom, since she is helping to pay, and since our guest list is so limited we can't exactly add guests, so this is an easy enough compromise if we have to, but he's firmly on the "let's not dance" side of this discussion overall. I feel better about the whole thing now, since it's not fresh and confusing me and stressing me so badly.

  
  

  Unfortunately, it is "all or none" in this situation. If we do one parent dance and not the other, the non-dancing parent will be pretty hurt, and I'd like to avoid damaging relationships over less than five minutes of my wedding day. So if FMIL really wants one, and FI decides it's easiest to just humor her, we'll do them. 

  

  
  

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• hellosweetie1015 member

  

  January 2015 edited January 2015

  scribe95 said:

  So you are going to do parent dances but not a first dance as a couple? I find that odd. Seems like an all or nothing thing to me.

  Absolutely it's all or nothing; I said above that it was. If we do one parent dance, we'll obviously do all the standard spotlight dances. Because you're right - doing parent dances but no first dance would be odd.

  
  

  ETA we haven't decided if we're going to do any of them yet. I'm going to ask FI to talk to his mom about how badly she wants them sometime soon, and we'll make our decision based on how he feels that conversation went.

  

  
  

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