Kindly uninvited?

KhaleesiFox · January 2015

Lady I worked with at my previous job knows both my fiancee and I. When we got engaged she basically proclaimed herself a bridesmaid and told everyone we work with in the store as much. Now, I'm 80 days out and she's texting me asking about dresses and shoes and everything. I don't want her as a bridesmaid, when she labeled herself my fiancee told her it was cool over my head and now I don't know how to politely let her down.

I quit the job in November and I didn't get a phone call, text, nothing until about a week ago. Originally we had a bunch of people from the store my coworkers that my fiancee knew as well on the invite list, but we have had to majorly cut the list down due to space limitations.

To be truthful I don't do conflict very well, and i juat don't know what to say to her. First time talking to her in 2.5 months she asked "oh, is the wedding still on? I've been losing weight to look good in my dress! " I mentioned to her that the wedding was still on but we had to reduce the size significantly because of space and cost. She didn't seem to get what I was hinting at...

I don't want to seem hateful but Im not close to her like I am with my other girls, and she's a heavy partier where the rest of us are more mellow.

Help without telling me what a terrible person I am for having no spine?

mrsdee15 · January 2015

Yikes. Okay, first, I'm sure you know you can't tell people how to respond. However, I'm not going to say that because that is super fucking awkward with your ex-coworker (also you're not a terrible person, I'm bad with confrontation).

Here's the thing, your FI doesn't have the right to approve your bridal party. That being said, how long has it been? It probably would have been good to tell her sooner, because after he "approved" it, and you didn't say anything, it's kind of like letting her in. Is there some reason she assumed she was a bridesmaid? I feel like something is missing from this story.

Is she invited to the wedding? You said what I would have suggested saying with the cutting down on the size of the wedding. It's a friendship-ending move to remove her from the wedding party (even though she's not technically in the party, I guess), but if you're okay with that, then it is what it is. Either way, confrontation is involved.

It's most fair to her (and best for you) to be straight and tell her what's going on.

KhaleesiFox · January 2015

I worked with her everyday, she was my manager (adds to the awkward department). Never said anything because I didn't want the drama at work. She proclaimed herself a bridesmaid when I actually started making plans so... 8 months ago roughly. I never straight said she was a bridesmaid, I sorta just always ignored the fact that she what going on about it. Now that the day is getting closer its pressing on me. I only ever saw her at work and that kinda adds to my not wanting her in the party. My other bridesmaids I've known for years and I can definitely give a yes to the 3am to bury a body phone call senario.

I talked a bit (ok, a lot) about planning and just verbal vomiting ideas or of my head. When is just 2 people closing at night is sorta hard though not to talk about it. So maybe that was my oops for giving TMI and letting her think she was "in"? I just didn't want to be rude by telling get to butt out when I know from witnessing that she is vindictive at work.

redoryx · January 2015

KhaleesiFox said:

Lady I worked with at my previous job knows both my fiancee and I. When we got engaged she basically proclaimed herself a bridesmaid and told everyone we work with in the store as much. Now, I'm 80 days out and she's texting me asking about dresses and shoes and everything. I don't want her as a bridesmaid, when she labeled herself my fiancee told her it was cool over my head and now I don't know how to politely let her down. I quit the job in November and I didn't get a phone call, text, nothing until about a week ago. Originally we had a bunch of people from the store my coworkers that my fiancee knew as well on the invite list, but we have had to majorly cut the list down due to space limitations. To be truthful I don't do conflict very well, and i juat don't know what to say to her. First time talking to her in 2.5 months she asked "oh, is the wedding still on? I've been losing weight to look good in my dress! " I mentioned to her that the wedding was still on but we had to reduce the size significantly because of space and cost. She didn't seem to get what I was hinting at... I don't want to seem hateful but Im not close to her like I am with my other girls, and she's a heavy partier where the rest of us are more mellow. Help without telling me what a terrible person I am for having no spine?

She didn't get what you were hinting at because you were talking about a guest list. For nearly a year now you have let her believe she's a bridesmaid, she had no reason to think cutting the guest list was going to effect her.

southernbelle0915 · January 2015

Kicking someone out of your WP is a friendship ending move. Its a friendship ending move because its extremely rude. It was rude of her to invite herself, but you should have set the record straight with her and you didn't. Something to think about if you do that is future needs for professional references (since she was your manager).

Jen4948 · January 2015

It was rude of her to proclaim herself your bridesmaid and it was inappropriate of your FI to confirm it for her because he has no role in choosing your attendants, but by saying nothing to either one of them, you confirmed it with your silence. The time to speak up was eight months ago when this first happened. There's no way to make clear to them both now that she isn't without endangering your job as well as your FI's relationship with her.

novella1186 · January 2015

At first I was going to say to just be honest with her, and tell her you're sorry there was a misunderstanding/miscommunication but she is not part of your bridal party. It was wrong of her to assume that and invite herself. And that sounds nuts to me. (We might actually work with the same person!) And if she decides to end the friendship over it, I wouldn't worry about it if I were you. At least you don't have to deal with her at work anymore.

BUT then I got to the part where you said you let her go on believing that she was a BM for eight months. Eight months?!! I get that conflict sucks and it's awkward but it was wrong of you to let her think she was included for such a long time. Was she invited to any pre-wedding parties? Like a bachelorette party or shower?

It's one thing to have to tell someone that no, despite inviting themselves they are not actually in the WP, and let them be upset if they want to be. But it's another thing to string them along for 8 months and never mention anything till it's down to the wire. Yikes.

Maggie0829 · January 2015

scribe95 said:

So you let this woman go on for eight months thinking she is a bridesmaid? Well guess what - she is now. It is your oops. You are an adult. No one 'likes" conflict but you have to stand up for yourself in life and make your own decisions.

This. Seriously what did you expect to happen when you never said a word to the contrary and just let her believe that she was going to be a BM for months? Your FI was wrong for saying yes to this woman. This woman was wrong for inviting herself into your wedding. But in the end, you are the one who allowed this shit to go on and on and on, so you now have to grow up and either confront this woman and tell her the truth, or keep her as a BM and just deal with it.

redoryx · January 2015

Yeah, after eight months this is a "suck it up, buttercup" moment unless you're willing to deal with the personal and possibly professional ramifications of cutting her out this late in the game.

lovegood90 · January 2015

Ok, so it's been 8 months and you even admitted that you've been talking nonstop about the wedding with her. Sorry, but this is all on you and the ship has sailed if you were planning on correcting her. Yes, your Fi should not have approved this as it's not his place, but that ship has sailed. This woman is your former manager as well? Do you really want to risk ruining professional relationships?

Sorry, I know you are probably looking for a solution but any solution other than saying nothing and allowing her to be in the bridal party has already passed.

Sometimes when you (general you) avoid conflict, it creates an even bigger conflict in the end. I've been there too; just take this as a lesson for the future.

LondonLisa · January 2015

It is absurd that she declared herself a bridemaid, but your Fi confirmed it and you didn't stop it for 8 (EIGHT!!!!) months. No one likes conflict but you need to be an adult here. Instead of nipping this in the bud, you ignored and made it 10 times worse. This isn't a matter of "growing a spine", this is a matter of being an adult.

Just let her buy the dress and be in the bridal party. Now, everytime you look at the photos of your bridal party you will remember the importance of not hiding your head in the sand when there is a problem.

Also, when you said you needed to reduce your guest list, I am assuming that this was before anyone was invited. You didn't give save the dates or tell people to hold a date and then not invite them, right?!

KhaleesiFox · January 2015

1. I left the company in November. I had not been at her store since September. So from September to January I heard nothing from her.

2. No save the dates went out. (I think they are stupid) No shower has happened yet. Nothing past general planning has gone on and that has been all me. I literally never saw her outside of work.

3. A lot of people from the stores I worked at were on the original draft of the guest list. Every last one of them has been cut out of the final list in favor of family and dear friends. I feel very secure in that decision because none of these people were told they were getting an invite and not a single one has contacted Mister Man or I since I left the job.

4. It honestly sense like she wants to go just so she can rant to me more about how her wedding sucked. That's all I ever heard from her, "I didn't pick my dress, it was borrowed. I didn't like my hair. I had to wall in the rain down a driveway. " She's a debbie downer and I don't need that considering all the other stress floating around not related to the wedding.

I'm looking for how to phrase it to tell her that the only people who are going to be at the wedding are blood family and people we have known for years and years who might as well be family.

Don't think that Mister Man got off easy on this one. I TOLD him the day he approved it and he never said anything to her. He knows her better then I do.

southernbelle0915 · January 2015

KhaleesiFox said:

1. I left the company in November. I had not been at her store since September. So from September to January I heard nothing from her.

2. No save the dates went out. (I think they are stupid) No shower has happened yet. Nothing past general planning has gone on and that has been all me. I literally never saw her outside of work.

3. A lot of people from the stores I worked at were on the original draft of the guest list. Every last one of them has been cut out of the final list in favor of family and dear friends. I feel very secure in that decision because none of these people were told they were getting an invite and not a single one has contacted Mister Man or I since I left the job.

4. It honestly sense like she wants to go just so she can rant to me more about how her wedding sucked. That's all I ever heard from her, "I didn't pick my dress, it was borrowed. I didn't like my hair. I had to wall in the rain down a driveway. " She's a debbie downer and I don't need that considering all the other stress floating around not related to the wedding.

I'm looking for how to phrase it to tell her that the only people who are going to be at the wedding are blood family and people we have known for years and years who might as well be family. Don't think that Mister Man got off easy on this one. I TOLD him the day he approved it and he never said anything to her. He knows her better then I do.

I don't know how I'd phrase it since I've never done it or had it done to me... I guess you just need to know that kicking her out will end the friendship and probably ruin any changes of a professional reference.

Maggie0829 · January 2015

KhaleesiFox said:

1. I left the company in November. I had not been at her store since September. So from September to January I heard nothing from her. 2. No save the dates went out. (I think they are stupid) No shower has happened yet. Nothing past general planning has gone on and that has been all me. I literally never saw her outside of work. 3. A lot of people from the stores I worked at were on the original draft of the guest list. Every last one of them has been cut out of the final list in favor of family and dear friends. I feel very secure in that decision because none of these people were told they were getting an invite and not a single one has contacted Mister Man or I since I left the job. 4. It honestly sense like she wants to go just so she can rant to me more about how her wedding sucked. That's all I ever heard from her, "I didn't pick my dress, it was borrowed. I didn't like my hair. I had to wall in the rain down a driveway. " She's a debbie downer and I don't need that considering all the other stress floating around not related to the wedding. I'm looking for how to phrase it to tell her that the only people who are going to be at the wedding are blood family and people we have known for years and years who might as well be family. Don't think that Mister Man got off easy on this one. I TOLD him the day he approved it and he never said anything to her. He knows her better then I do.

Just because your FI did not say anything to her does not mean that you are off the hook here. You are an adult and should have said something yourself.

I am taking away from this that you aren't just going to suck it up and have her in the wedding. But there is NO nice way of saying "sorry, but you have been mistaken and I was just too afraid to tell you." You are going to hurt her feelings. Period. Just know that this conversation is not going to be easy. Do not tell her why she is not invited or included just tell her that you are sorry if there was any confusion but she is not a BM. By telling her the stuff in the bolded you are basically adding salt to the wound.

lovegood90 · January 2015

KhaleesiFox said:

1. I left the company in November. I had not been at her store since September. So from September to January I heard nothing from her. 2. No save the dates went out. (I think they are stupid) No shower has happened yet. Nothing past general planning has gone on and that has been all me. I literally never saw her outside of work. 3. A lot of people from the stores I worked at were on the original draft of the guest list. Every last one of them has been cut out of the final list in favor of family and dear friends. I feel very secure in that decision because none of these people were told they were getting an invite and not a single one has contacted Mister Man or I since I left the job. 4. It honestly sense like she wants to go just so she can rant to me more about how her wedding sucked. That's all I ever heard from her, "I didn't pick my dress, it was borrowed. I didn't like my hair. I had to wall in the rain down a driveway. " She's a debbie downer and I don't need that considering all the other stress floating around not related to the wedding. I'm looking for how to phrase it to tell her that the only people who are going to be at the wedding are blood family and people we have known for years and years who might as well be family. Don't think that Mister Man got off easy on this one. I TOLD him the day he approved it and he never said anything to her. He knows her better then I do.

Sorry, but there is no nice way to kick someone out of your wedding. There definitely would have been a polite way to clarify with her that she's not a bridesmaid 8 months ago when this first happened, but not now.

If you insist on kicking her out still, then just use whatever wording you want because there's no polite way to do this. Either way this is worded will still potentially ruin your personal and professional relationship with her.

mikenberger · January 2015

KhaleesiFox said:

1. I left the company in November. I had not been at her store since September. So from September to January I heard nothing from her. 2. No save the dates went out. (I think they are stupid) No shower has happened yet. Nothing past general planning has gone on and that has been all me. I literally never saw her outside of work. 3. A lot of people from the stores I worked at were on the original draft of the guest list. Every last one of them has been cut out of the final list in favor of family and dear friends. I feel very secure in that decision because none of these people were told they were getting an invite and not a single one has contacted Mister Man or I since I left the job. 4. It honestly sense like she wants to go just so she can rant to me more about how her wedding sucked. That's all I ever heard from her, "I didn't pick my dress, it was borrowed. I didn't like my hair. I had to wall in the rain down a driveway. " She's a debbie downer and I don't need that considering all the other stress floating around not related to the wedding. I'm looking for how to phrase it to tell her that the only people who are going to be at the wedding are blood family and people we have known for years and years who might as well be family. Don't think that Mister Man got off easy on this one. I TOLD him the day he approved it and he never said anything to her. He knows her better then I do.

I would just tell her "We're having a small ceremony and reception with just family and friends." and move on. I also wouldn't be surprised though if she gave you a bad work reference. She sounds kind of batty.

Just to echo the PPs: You should've ended this months ago. It's really your fault for allowing this to continue and whatever consequences come your way are to be expected.

lyndausvi · January 2015

Dude, grow a backbone already. Geez.

You might not have started this mess, but your lack of a backbone certainly caused it to be much bigger and complicated then it needed to be.

There is no such thing as a kind un-invite. There is no such thing as kindly telling someone, who for the last 8 months thinks they are a BM, they are not only not a BM, but they are not even invited. Nope, not going to happen.

Actions have consequences. You failing to correct the misunderstanding is what put on in this position. Put your big panties on and deal with it once and for all.

PrettyGirlLost · January 2015

KhaleesiFox said:

1. I left the company in November. I had not been at her store since September. So from September to January I heard nothing from her. 2. No save the dates went out. (I think they are stupid) No shower has happened yet. Nothing past general planning has gone on and that has been all me. I literally never saw her outside of work. 3. A lot of people from the stores I worked at were on the original draft of the guest list. Every last one of them has been cut out of the final list in favor of family and dear friends. I feel very secure in that decision because none of these people were told they were getting an invite and not a single one has contacted Mister Man or I since I left the job. 4. It honestly sense like she wants to go just so she can rant to me more about how her wedding sucked. That's all I ever heard from her, "I didn't pick my dress, it was borrowed. I didn't like my hair. I had to wall in the rain down a driveway. " She's a debbie downer and I don't need that considering all the other stress floating around not related to the wedding. I'm looking for how to phrase it to tell her that the only people who are going to be at the wedding are blood family and people we have known for years and years who might as well be family. Don't think that Mister Man got off easy on this one. I TOLD him the day he approved it and he never said anything to her. He knows her better then I do.

But you have a mouth and YOU never said anything to her either. . . FOR 8 MONTHS, all the while droning on and on about your wedding and leading her to believe that she's in it.

There's absolutely no way for you to tell her now, at the 11th hour, that she's not a BM without coming across as a huge ass.

mrsdee15 · January 2015

PrettyGirlLost said:

KhaleesiFox said:

1. I left the company in November. I had not been at her store since September. So from September to January I heard nothing from her. 2. No save the dates went out. (I think they are stupid) No shower has happened yet. Nothing past general planning has gone on and that has been all me. I literally never saw her outside of work. 3. A lot of people from the stores I worked at were on the original draft of the guest list. Every last one of them has been cut out of the final list in favor of family and dear friends. I feel very secure in that decision because none of these people were told they were getting an invite and not a single one has contacted Mister Man or I since I left the job. 4. It honestly sense like she wants to go just so she can rant to me more about how her wedding sucked. That's all I ever heard from her, "I didn't pick my dress, it was borrowed. I didn't like my hair. I had to wall in the rain down a driveway. " She's a debbie downer and I don't need that considering all the other stress floating around not related to the wedding. I'm looking for how to phrase it to tell her that the only people who are going to be at the wedding are blood family and people we have known for years and years who might as well be family. Don't think that Mister Man got off easy on this one. I TOLD him the day he approved it and he never said anything to her. He knows her better then I do.

But you have a mouth and YOU never said anything to her either. . . FOR 8 MONTHS, all the while droning on and on about your wedding and leading her to believe that she's in it.

There's absolutely no way for you to tell her now, at the 11th hour, that she's not a BM without coming across as a huge ass.

With the new information (EIGHT months??), I alter my response and agree with PPs. This especially.

PrettyGirlLost · January 2015

Yeah "not doing conflict well" just isn't an excuse. As an adult you have to learn how to functionally deal with conflict because it will inevitably happen in your life and you need to be able to deal with it in a healthy way.

redoryx · January 2015

KhaleesiFox said:

1. I left the company in November. I had not been at her store since September. So from September to January I heard nothing from her. 2. No save the dates went out. (I think they are stupid) No shower has happened yet. Nothing past general planning has gone on and that has been all me. I literally never saw her outside of work. 3. A lot of people from the stores I worked at were on the original draft of the guest list. Every last one of them has been cut out of the final list in favor of family and dear friends. I feel very secure in that decision because none of these people were told they were getting an invite and not a single one has contacted Mister Man or I since I left the job. 4. It honestly sense like she wants to go just so she can rant to me more about how her wedding sucked. That's all I ever heard from her, "I didn't pick my dress, it was borrowed. I didn't like my hair. I had to wall in the rain down a driveway. " She's a debbie downer and I don't need that considering all the other stress floating around not related to the wedding. I'm looking for how to phrase it to tell her that the only people who are going to be at the wedding are blood family and people we have known for years and years who might as well be family. Don't think that Mister Man got off easy on this one. I TOLD him the day he approved it and he never said anything to her. He knows her better then I do.

Nope, sorry, once again shifting blame to him is not the answer here. It's YOUR bridal party, YOU are the one who doesn't want her, YOU are the one who should have said something EIGHT MONTHS AGO.

But, you didn't and now you're stuck and unfortunately there is no polite way to tell her without hurting her feelings and possibly hurting your own future professional prospects. Because while this might not affect how she views you as a co-worker or subordinate, I bet it's going to affect how she views your character and if someone calls for a reference it's possible she'll say something. But if you don't care about any of that, just tell her whatever you want to tell her.

Kindly uninvited?

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