Sick dad

Katek819 · January 2015

Hi everyone, I was wondering if anyone else is trying to or has planned a wedding when a relative was sick. Here's the deal, my dad has brain cancer, has had surgery and is undergoing chemo and radiation. It's like a kick in the face for all of us, been very hard to deal with. Even though he always asks about our plans and I show him pictures of stuff I can't help but feel guilty. Like none of it matters anymore I just want him better. He is paying for the wedding and is still insisting on paying when all I really want is to just take away a small piece of his stress ( he has the money, I know this but I don't like him worrying about payment schedules and such) Everyone tells me to keep him happy give him fun things to think about but it's hard. Has anyone else had experience with this ? I don't really know what I'm looking for maybe I would just feel better to get the opinion of someone who is not trying to patronize me . Thanks in advance.

kmmssg · January 2015

Not during my wedding, but a few years later my rock star MIL was diagnosed with Stage 4 breast cancer. More than anything it was important to her that she was MOM and not a cancer patient. Even with 7 grown kids and a boatload of grandkids it was very important to her to maintain her position in the family, the mom, the grandma, the awesome cook, and caretaker.

She didn't want us to walk into the room and think, "Oh, there is mom with cancer." She wanted us to walk into a room and say "Hi Mom!"

Your heart is in the right place and I do know your fear as I have lost several in my family to cancer. He wanted to gift you a wedding so let him enjoy it - and give yourself permission to do that too.

I hope something in there was helpful for you.

southernbelle0915 · January 2015

Ditto @kmmssg‌. Both my parents had cancer and the most important thing to them was not letting cancer define them. They wanted to live as normally as possible - when they weren't feeling like shit from treatment, they wanted to do more than normal. Just remember, this is your dad - not a cancer patient.

mlg78 · January 2015

I'm sure your wedding planning is giving him a great sense of joy during his battle with cancer. It's one of the happiest things he has to look forward to.

short+sassy · January 2015

mlg78 said:

I'm sure your wedding planning is giving him a great sense of joy during his battle with cancer. It's one of the happiest things he has to look forward to.

This perfectly says what I was thinking when I read your post.

I'm so sorry to hear about your dad and I hope his recovery is swift. Although I have not been in your shoes, I'm sure your dad wants to be excited with you for your wedding. He knows how much you love him and that his recovery is your first priority.

And how do I, a complete Internet stranger, know that? Because it shows so clearly in even just your written post.

Katek819 · January 2015

Thank you all for your encouraging words.

ShesSoCold · January 2015

I also agree with everyone else. My mom was told she was dying about a month before my wedding. On our way home from picking up my dress the week before the wedding, I asked her how she was feeling - emotionally - about her diagnosis. She told me she'd worry about it on Monday (the wedding was on a Sunday).

When she was diagnosed, I wanted to cancel the wedding altogether. We'd been together 7 years - we can get married some other time. This isn't about me right now, this should be about her. But we all knew that it was very important for her to be at the wedding, because she wanted to be there when I got married, because she wanted to keep some sense of normalcy before she passed and because she wanted something else to think about.

Your head and heart are in the right place and I feel for you. But I encourage you to listen to your dad and if he wants to continue with planning and paying for the wedding, let him. It's probably helping him deal with his diagnosis and treatment.

Sick dad

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