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Not sure how to broach this subject

DH and I got married a year ago. I did not include my FSIL in the wedding party because we are not close and she has never been pleasant to me. I simply didn't want a source of negative energy around me on my wedding day. A few months before the wedding, my FMIL (whom I adore) took me aside at one of my showers and, in a moment very unlike her, told me I needed to find a wedding day role for my future sister in law. Her tone and her demeanor seemed to imply that she would be very upset if I didn't include the sister, so to keep the peace, she read a passage during the ceremony.

Flash forward and my SIL is now planning her wedding. I have made a concerted effort to improve our relationship since she got engaged and expressed my support for the marriage (which is not supported by her parents).  I reiterated my offer to do whatever was needed on her big day at a Christmas event and she told me to just enjoy the day as a guest. Surprisingly to me, I am a bit offended. I feel like I was held up to give her a role in my wedding and feel included and she is not showing the same courtesy to me. It is especially offensive given that I have recently put much effort into our relationship and forgiven a lot of her rather horrendous behavior toward me in the past.

My inclination is to let it go, making this more of a vent, but it still just bothers me. What would you do?

Re: Not sure how to broach this subject

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    lovesclimbinglovesclimbing member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    edited January 2015
    drmrs2014 said:
    DH and I got married a year ago. I did not include my FSIL in the wedding party because we are not close and she has never been pleasant to me. I simply didn't want a source of negative energy around me on my wedding day. A few months before the wedding, my FMIL (whom I adore) took me aside at one of my showers and, in a moment very unlike her, told me I needed to find a wedding day role for my future sister in law. Her tone and her demeanor seemed to imply that she would be very upset if I didn't include the sister, so to keep the peace, she read a passage during the ceremony.

    Flash forward and my SIL is now planning her wedding. I have made a concerted effort to improve our relationship since she got engaged and expressed my support for the marriage (which is not supported by her parents).  I reiterated my offer to do whatever was needed on her big day at a Christmas event and she told me to just enjoy the day as a guest. Surprisingly to me, I am a bit offended. I feel like I was held up to give her a role in my wedding and feel included and she is not showing the same courtesy to me. It is especially offensive given that I have recently put much effort into our relationship and forgiven a lot of her rather horrendous behavior toward me in the past.

    My inclination is to let it go, making this more of a vent, but it still just bothers me. What would you do?
    If you didn't want her involved, you shouldn't have had her do a reading no matter what your FMIL said.  It's on you that you gave in to her demands. 

    Your SIL may not know that her mother pushed you to ask her to do a reading.

    It's great that you have tried to improve your relationship, and that you offered to help.  She may think she's making it easier on you by not asking you to do anything. 

    I would let it go and, as the day gets closer, I would offer again, if you feel like it, maybe the last week or so before the wedding.
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    Let it go.  Weddings are not tit for tat.  Just because you got pressured by your MIL to give your SIL a role does not mean that she needs to include you.

    And please don't stop trying to build your relationship with her just because she doesn't want to include you.

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    Let it go.  FMIL is really the one who pressured you, and you gave into her demands when you didn't have to.  Keep trying to build your relationship, by all means, but don't take this out on her, especially when she might not even know what her mom did to make you include her. 

    Honestly, SIL is doing you a favor by having you "just" be a guest.  It's way less work. 


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    If your SIL picked up a vibe from you that you only asked her to do a reading at your wedding because you felt you "had" to, that might be why she's trying to not put you in the same position. I'd let it go and just enjoy her wedding as a guest.
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    Keep this as a vent and keep it moving. I actually totally get being a little offended - it's nice to feel included and wanted, especially when you've been making such an effort, but look at it this way:

    You've had a tumultuous relationship, and even though things are good right now, you'll both be able to sleep a little easier knowing there's significantly less pressure on the relationship with you just enjoying yourself as a guest. There's no you need to do this, or she's expecting that, or miscommunications - just enjoy yourself and breathe easy knowing you're off the hook!
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    Honestly, I'd think you'd be more annoyed at yourself for bending to MIL's pressure for your own wedding. Your SIL had nothing to do with that - it's all MIL and you. 

    Do you really want a role? If she's unpleasant, she could ask you to do something crappy like "attend the guest book" or pass out programs or be her personal assistant. I'd be glad to attend as a guest!
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    Vent away, OP!  That is what we are here for...but only vent here.  You are spot on that you need to let this go.

    Let it bother you for a bit, nurse your hurt feelings...then shake it off and realize it is way better to be a guest in this situation anyway.  And don't let it deter you from continuing to try and keep a positive relationship with SIL.  I'm sure both she and your DH appreciate it...even if she may not always show it. 

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
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    drmrs2014 said:

    DH and I got married a year ago. I did not include my FSIL in the wedding party because we are not close and she has never been pleasant to me. I simply didn't want a source of negative energy around me on my wedding day. A few months before the wedding, my FMIL (whom I adore) took me aside at one of my showers and, in a moment very unlike her, told me I needed to find a wedding day role for my future sister in law. Her tone and her demeanor seemed to imply that she would be very upset if I didn't include the sister, so to keep the peace, she read a passage during the ceremony.


    Flash forward and my SIL is now planning her wedding. I have made a concerted effort to improve our relationship since she got engaged and expressed my support for the marriage (which is not supported by her parents).  I reiterated my offer to do whatever was needed on her big day at a Christmas event and she told me to just enjoy the day as a guest. Surprisingly to me, I am a bit offended. I feel like I was held up to give her a role in my wedding and feel included and she is not showing the same courtesy to me. It is especially offensive given that I have recently put much effort into our relationship and forgiven a lot of her rather horrendous behavior toward me in the past.

    My inclination is to let it go, making this more of a vent, but it still just bothers me. What would you do?
    *********
    Your post says MIL used social pressure to make you include her daughter.
    What if the daughter never wanted to do it to begin with? What if MIL engineered it, and poor SIL who never liked you a whole lot better than you liked her, ended up trapped, but had the good manners to agree to the role you decided on.

    Should she repeat this folly?

    She did not ask. No harm. Family sit in the pews and watch, that is their role unless they are super close to the bride.
    If you want to focus any hurt or resentment anywhere, look to MIL. But just as living well and happily is the best revenge, acting perfectly happy not to be more involved may non-plus the mother a bit.
    And your SIL may have noticed your efforts to be nice, and is rewarding you for it by not putting you in the bind her mother put both of you in.
    Be a glass is half full person about this.
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