mother is confusing me/and cheap

Re: mother is confusing me/and cheap

• rentothenay.defunct635756527744329529 member

  

  February 2015 edited February 2015

  Moms can definitely be confusing during this time. I know I struggled with my mom at first too. Just remember, this is your wedding, not your mother's. Plan the wedding with what you want and are able to afford, that way you don't have mix ups and confusions later on down the road. If she wants to contribute and you like the idea she is contributing, then by all means go for it...just don't expect too much until it has been paid.

  
  

  Caterers are great and well worth the cost, if possible, it is nice to have a venue that offers catering in with their price. Pot lucks...aren't the best. Some people love them but a lot of people, especially here on the knot, are against them. It would be tough on people who are out of state to bring something and if it needs to be heated up, you might have a wait on some dishes. 

  
  

  If you want flowers, go for it! Unless your groom is allergic or has said he doesn't want flowers, who cares? You can't please everyone and the only people it should matter to are you and your fiance. I'm not a real flower person but I love sola flowers and am making origami flowers. A "Paper Garden" Theme if you will. I have had a lot of negative feed back from my sister saying she thinks its a dumb idea but I love it and so does my fiance. When people have seen me making my origami flowers for the photo backdrop, I get so many compliments. 

  
  

  Long story short, this is your wedding. Discuss what is important and what you would be upset was missing from your wedding with your fiance.

  
  

  ---------EDIT

  
  

  Don't rely on others to pay for your wedding, the only thing that made me say that is the title talking about your mom being cheap. If she is paying for something, she has a right to choose what it is she is paying for. If you don't like it, you can turn it down but anytime you get financial help, they have a say.

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• jacques27 member

  

  February 2015

  I get that you want your mom to be supportive, but it appears that isn't the hand you were dealt.  Since she's not paying, I would just stop talking to her about wedding stuff.  If she wants a flowerless tent wedding with a tacky potluck, she is more than welcome to get married herself.
  
  1.  Your instincts are spot on regarding the potluck.  You do not invite people to your party and then make them subsidize it.  The reception is a thank you to your guests for attending your ceremony and you do not thank people by making them pay/bring their own thank you (food).
  
  2.  Since she mentions a tent, does this mean your wedding is outdoors?  If so, do you have a back-up plan in case of bad weather (too hot, too cold, or too wet)?
  
  3.  I know plenty of men who like flowers, so all she is doing is perpetuating (incorrect) gender bias there.  But even if men didn't like flowers, that isn't a reason to not have them at your wedding.  There are plenty of ways to have flowers and do so inexpensively.  If you have the budget for it, then go for it.  However, what she is (only vaguely) correct about is that your guests (male and female) won't remember your flowers.  What will make them feel properly hosted is a comfortable place to sit and appropriate food and drink for the time of day.  That is what they will remember.  So if flowers come at the expense of your guests not having enough chairs for everyone to sit or having to sit in hot sun for hours on end or shiver in drizzly rain or only having veggie trays and cake at a time when they expect to be served a hot meal - then yes, flowers should go so you can properly host your guests.  But if you can do all that AND have enough money for the flowers you want, then who cares what your mom thinks about it?
  

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• esstee33 member

  

  February 2015 edited February 2015

  Blueeyedtanya said:

  My mother suggested that we have a tent wedding and I said we cannot afford that. She then said she could pay for it. Then the other day she said that she will not be contributing to the wedding. So I am just confused and a little bit hurt. I am glad I didn't actually book a tent or anything yet. Also my fiance and I want a caterer so that people do not need to do work and have good food . She told me that I should do a potluck (which is fine if people don't mind)! I also said I wanted flowers but not a lot because we are on a limited budget, then she said that men don't like flowers. I understand she is trying to help but if we say we want something (since we are paying for it), I think she should try to be supportive. Like I said we are on a budget so I am not going over the top or anything.

  You need to stop talking wedding with your mother and listening to her terrible ideas. If you guys are paying for it (and it seems you are since she's retracted her offer to help), then she really doesn't get any input in what you plan. If she offers to help financially again, you can choose whether or not to accept it, but know this: if you accept money from her, she gets a say in how you plan your wedding. If you don't want her butting in, don't accept money from her. Weddings can be planned on very small budgets, so however much you guys can afford is fine -- we can help you come up with lots of ways to properly host your guests on that amount! 

  
  

  Potlucks are NOT fine, and neither is making your friends and family serve food, and don't listen to her if she starts trying to tell you otherwise. The reception is a party you throw as a thank you to your guests for attending your ceremony. Why would it be OK to make them host themselves and serve themselves at a party FOR THEM? Think about it. 

  
  

  Her comment about men not liking flowers is filing me with rage. Lots of men DO like flowers, and if you want them, have them! 

  
  

  ETA: Also, if she does offer money again and you decide to accept it, don't plan ANYTHING you can't afford to pay for yourselves until you actually have that money in hand. 

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• Blueeyedtanya member

  

  February 2015

  We have not picked our reception location yet. But we were thinking outdoors. I do want to make sure we have a backup in case of rain/weather. 

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• Blueeyedtanya member

  

  February 2015

  oops.. I didn't mean cheap as in she's not paying for anything. I meant cheap as in she thinks it is ridiculous to not spend the absolute minimal amount for something.

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• Blueeyedtanya member

  

  February 2015

  
  

  ---------EDIT

  
  

  Don't rely on others to pay for your wedding, the only thing that made me say that is the title talking about your mom being cheap. If she is paying for something, she has a right to choose what it is she is paying for. If you don't like it, you can turn it down but anytime you get financial help, they have a say.

  oops.. I didn't mean cheap as in she's not paying for anything. I meant cheap as in she thinks it is ridiculous to not spend the absolute minimal amount for something.
  

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• esstee33 member

  

  February 2015 edited July 2015

  Blueeyedtanya said:

  
  

  ---------EDIT

  
  

  Don't rely on others to pay for your wedding, the only thing that made me say that is the title talking about your mom being cheap. If she is paying for something, she has a right to choose what it is she is paying for. If you don't like it, you can turn it down but anytime you get financial help, they have a say.

  oops.. I didn't mean cheap as in she's not paying for anything. I meant cheap as in she thinks it is ridiculous to not spend the absolute minimal amount for something.
  

  Well, if you're on a budget, she may be trying to help you get the most for your money, but not doing so in the best way. Like we said, though, if she's not paying for anything, she doesn't get a say in how you plan things. So just let it roll off your back, change the subject, and plan the wedding YOU guys want. 

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• Jen4948 member

  

  February 2015

  Whatever you do, potlucks are not okay. It doesn't matter how your guests feel about it. Expecting people to take out their wallets at what is supposed to be a thank-you to them for attending is a rude expectation.

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• atlastmrsg member

  

  February 2015

  Really simple.  Stop involving her or telling her about your plans/ideas.  It will make your life a lot easier.  And potluck is NEVER okay.  

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• CMGragain member

  

  February 2015

  If your Mom is not paying for your wedding, she has absolutely no say in your plans.  Stop telling her your plans.
  
  Potluck weddings are horribly rude.  Do not do this.
  
  If money is a problem for YOU, have the wedding you can afford to pay for.  An afternoon ceremony with a simple cake and punch reception is perfectly proper.  Potluck receptions are NOT!
  

  

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• Knottie46207790 member

  

  February 2015

  Be sure to let your mother know that you appreciate her ideas even though you may decide to go a different direction than what she is suggesting. 

  When on a budget--keep it simple. You don't have to sacrifice quality or elegance while trying to stay within your spending limits. 

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• southernbelle0915 mod

  

  February 2015

  I would stop discussing plans with her all together. It sounds like she has no idea about anything wedding. 

  
  

  As long as you have:

  
  

  1) Seats for everyone

  2) food/drinks appropriate for the time of day (i.e. meal if it's meal time, light refreshments if it's not)

  3) Appropriate shelter for the weather/temperature

  
  

  You are fine. Don't let your mom get into your head. I also would not accept any money she gives you. It will come with strings.

  *********************************************************************************

  
  

  

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• Knottie6014989 member

  

  May 2015

  I am dealing with a similar situation with my MIL to be. It's really nice to hear other people say she doesn't get a say unless she contributes something.  

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• TrixieJess member

  

  May 2015

  Blueeyedtanya said:

  My mother suggested that we have a tent wedding and I said we cannot afford that. She then said she could pay for it. Then the other day she said that she will not be contributing to the wedding. So I am just confused and a little bit hurt. I am glad I didn't actually book a tent or anything yet. Also my fiance and I want a caterer so that people do not need to do work and have good food . She told me that I should do a potluck (which is fine if people don't mind)! I also said I wanted flowers but not a lot because we are on a limited budget, then she said that men don't like flowers. I understand she is trying to help but if we say we want something (since we are paying for it), I think she should try to be supportive. Like I said we are on a budget so I am not going over the top or anything.

  Tell your mom, that her ideas are lovely but you have that handled. Then change the subject. Until you have the money in the bank, she has no say in what you do.

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• TheArtemisMoon member

  

  May 2015

  It must be a mom thing. You may have to sit her down and tell her she's giving you mixed signals and you're not sure what to think. Tell her that you need her to be clear and to the point. Either she will help and cooperate with you or she won't. If she does, great. If not, do not let her jerk you around.

  

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