So, my dad's birthday is coming up and, as it happens, we'll be in the city that weekend. I spoke to my mom the other day (she's doing fine BTW, her post-chemo medication wasn't reacting the way it was supposed to, but the doctor picked it up and has changed her treatment so things are better now) to try and finalize travel plans, and she said she thinks I need to extend the olive branch and "be the bigger person".
I will admit, I've thought about it. All the important people in my life have "whole" families, and I'm jealous. I am straight-up jealous of my friends whose dads call "just to see how you're doing". But the thing is, even when my dad was IN my life, he didn't do that, and he got mad at me if I called him without a reason.
I thought about dropping a note in his mailbox when I go to see my sister, and just saying "hey, if you want to have coffee, just the two of us, I wouldn't totally hate it". But why? What purpose would it serve? I know that even if he read it, and we went to coffee, he'd only be in my life another year, maybe two, before something else happens and he quits on me again. Because that's his MO. When being a dad doesn't suit him any more, he'll just come up with another excuse, and another reason why BSC SM is better and/or more important than me.
Right now, I feel like I'm Thor, and he's Loki. Loki keeps tricking Thor, and undermining him, and trying to kill him, but because Thor's not a total asshole, he keeps giving him chances, forgiving him, welcoming him back, and in so doing, giving Loki opportunities to attack him again. The question is, mighty and awesome though Thor may be, do I really want to keep getting punched in the gut by a weaselly git because I'm nice? At what point shouldn't self-preservation take over ahead of being the bigger person?
I know my mom's just trying to help, because she knows how much it hurts me to not have a dad. But why do I always have to be the one extending the olive branch? Surely if my dad WANTED to be in my life, he would make the effort to contact me? My email address hasn't changed in a decade, my mom and my brother (both of whom he's still in contact with) have my phone number if he wanted it, and it's not that difficult to get my postal address either if he'd prefer to be old school about it. His lack of communication can only mean that he doesn't want to be in my life, so if I were to reach out to him, I'd be setting myself up for disappointment and opening the door to a whole other world of emotional upset, right?
I guess I've answered my own question. In this case, not to be. I don't really expect replies or anything, it just helps me to work things out if I can post about them here. So thanks for letting me do that, TK!