Tl;dr: I hired a photographer FI didn't want and now he's super sad and I can't do anything to fix it.
I'm feeling really helpless right now. So, besides the venue, which was the first choice for both of us, FI had one aspect of the wedding that was really important to him: the photography. He has an old Army friend who is now a documentary photographer and does long-term projects where he photographs people on the fringes of society. His work is beautiful. FI wanted him to do the photography for our wedding, and I agreed that if he was willing to sign a contract, then that was fine. So FI sent him an email but because this guy was working on a project somewhere off the beaten path, it took him awhile to get back to us. Eventually, I was getting antsy, because the photographers local to our venue tend to go fast, so I asked FI back in December that if his friend didn't get back to us by a certain time, if it would be okay if I went ahead and hired a local photographer. He said sure, and wasn't interested in checking out the photographer I had in mind, saying he was sure it was fine. I wasn't upset that this guy was taking so long to get back to him, since he's not a wedding photographer so it's not his job to be checking his email for requests like that, but I wanted to make sure that we secured professional photography.
So that day comes and goes, I give it a few more days, FI gave me the go-ahead, and I contacted the photographer and put down a non-refundable 50% deposit. I thought that was fine, until a few weeks later, when FI got an email from his friend saying, "Sure! We can work something out!" So FI asks me to go ahead and cancel with the other photographer, and I tell him the deposit was non-refundable and how much it is, which made his jaw drop. When he told me to go ahead and book this other photographer, he thought that if his friend got back to him, I could just cancel and get the money back. He was upset, but we talked about it, and I thought everything was okay. This was about three weeks ago.
Then last night I noticed he seemed really upset about something, but thought he was just tired because we were driving so late from visiting his family. Then this morning he starts messaging me, asking if it's really not possible to get any of the money back, and that it was bothering him so much during the drive home last night. He said that this "changes the narrative" of our wedding, which really stung, because the narrative of our wedding is that we're getting married. But what it boils down to is that this was something that was really important to him, and now he can't have it. We're still inviting his friend, and of course, he's free to take as many pictures as he wants, but FI wanted him to be the only photographer of the day, and now he feels like the one aspect of the day he really cared about has been taken from him.
I told him that a lot of the things he said to me really hurt and that I'm tired of feeling like shit about this, and he apologized and told me I shouldn't, that he blames himself for not getting more information, and that he understands I was just trying to make sure the day is well planned, but he still didn't get what he wanted and there's nothing that can be done about it. He said he won't bring it up again, but that doesn't change the fact that his friend won't be the photographer at our wedding.
I don't know what to do. On the one hand, I'm still mad at a lot of the things he said to me and at the fact that he's basically saying, "Well I'm not mad at you but I'm mad about this and nothing can be done about that." But on the other hand, I understand why he's upset. I've been planning this wedding basically on my own, because he's made it clear that he trusts my judgment and most things he doesn't care too much about (the flowers, the DJ, etc), and to have the one aspect he really cared about taken away from him must feel pretty shitty, and looking back there were things I could have done to prevent it. I didn't do anything with malice, but I could have said, "Okay, so just so you know, this is going to be a non-refundable deposit of $X." It's being paid for by a relative but he was willing to pay for it himself it it was his friend, and if I told him that he could have said, "Oh, never mind, let's wait longer," and his friend would have gotten back to us soon after and we could talk to him about working something out.
So, I'm just really unhappy right now and I know he's unhappy and I don't want him to be miserable on our wedding day. I'm upset with him but I can also see how he views it, and when we talked we basically left it at me apologizing and him apologizing back for making me feel bad and promising never to talk about it again, but it was still obvious he wasn't happy. I hate that this has been eating at him. I keep thinking about how this is pretty much the only time I can think of where I've been inconsiderate to him, and I know he acknowledges this, but it's still a big thing to him, and I really wish he could just say, "Hey, I'm sure it's going to be fine and I'm just happy to be marrying you," but I also think it's easy for me the want this when thus far, I've made pretty much every decision regarding the wedding planning.
If you made it through all of this, I applaud you. And if you have any words of wisdom, or just nice thoughts, or cute gifs, that would be nice too. Thanks for reading. Stay fabulous.