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Help offered under stipulations???

marissaskissesmarissaskisses member
First Anniversary Name Dropper 5 Love Its First Comment
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
So one of my very dearest friends has her own wedding photography business, and she takes amazing photos. I have known her for 15 years and when she started this venture one thing was a given, when I got married, SHE would be the one to do the photography. Now after 6 years of being together my fiance finally proposed, however money is tight and he's pretty thrifty anyway. I allowed $1400 on the budget for the photography and my friend said she would work up a deal for me (just not sure what it is yet, but I know it will be under the $1400). Here's the kicker...

The fiance's parents have offered to pay for the photography...providing we use someone THEY know (a personal friend with NO wedding photography experience and NO PROFESSIONAL photography experience. I kindly reminded my fiance how long I have known my friend and this "vendor" is not negotiable as far as the planning was concerned. To which his reply is "You would rather pay $1400 for a photographer than get one for free". 

We could really use the financial help with the wedding and I'm really having a hard time with the fact that his family put this stipulation on helping financially. Has anyone else experienced this and how did you handle it??

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Re: Help offered under stipulations???

  • lakergirl52lakergirl52 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    Ultimately, I think you need to decide where your priorities lie. If you want good pictures, then I would spend the money. If you have other priorities, then I would spend the money elsewhere.

    I was in a similar situation. Spend the money on one that was 1700 but does amazing work and is a professional with full rights after the wedding, or one that does nice work but isnt professional and woukd have been a heck of a lot cheaper. We went with the professional because you (hopefully) only get married once and pictures were a priority.
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  • aliwis000aliwis000 member
    5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper First Comment
    Generally the idea is "Those who pay get a say." Politely declining their offer is perfectly ok.

    This is a discussion which should occur between you and your FI. I think you are well within your rights to say this is the vendor you want to go with. Having a good photographer is one of the most important choices you can make. You will look at these pictures for the rest of your life. Not to mention this is important to you and your FI should realize that and not brush it off so easily, that type of behavior would upset me.

    All of that would be enough alone in my book for a discussion with your FI about this subject. However, the information you provided about the other vendor (no experience etc) would be enough on its own as well. Would he hire someone who has no experience to work on his car or repair something in his home? If you would not do that for any service in everyday life why would you start doing that now?

    Bottom line: Talk to your FI. The wedding is between you and him, not you and his parents. It sounds like you and your FI are paying for this on your own. I think that is great because it cuts out so many issues we see on this board where money seems to come with strings attached. Keep planning the wedding you both can afford and keep lines of communication open.
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  • marissaskissesmarissaskisses member
    First Anniversary Name Dropper 5 Love Its First Comment
    Oh absolutely, as I said, that is not negotiable. However, we could use the help in other areas of the wedding, that would be cheaper for them anyway (such as the dj, caterer, cake, etc) and I'm having a hard time deciding how to respond to the soon to be in laws offer since there was this stipulation on it.

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  • hyechica81hyechica81 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment First Answer
    edited February 2015
    do you want your  photos to look great and amazing or do you want to get photos back and it looks like the work of a 4 year old. tell fiance that hey i appreciate your parents offer but i want my photos professionally done

    could you ask this friend of yours to take a few shots of you and fiance someplace 
    and then have his parents friend do the same so you can show fiance the quality of the photos 
    can said friend of yours convince hubby to go with her instead of someone who dont know sht

    just some background on my photo experience. we had a small budget 1500 max i live in new england stuff is expensive. my dad is a retired wedding  photographer and i asked him for advice on who to look for. he said most of the people he knew from back in the day were most likely not around anymore i found a person like 15 minutes from me he did video and photo.  when i showed my dad his work my dad said he knew the previous owner of the company who did video only. i went with this guy because my dad said the previous owner was top notch at video and he would not just hand his company over to anyone.

    day of wedding photographer took great photos we go to pick them up i get about 700 unedited  photos  almost all duplicates or more he has them in folders getting ready ceremony photos at the park and reception

    so much editing he could have done to make them look good. my dad took 250 of the best photos and it took him 2 hours to edit fix and do special effects on my photos and i paid a guy 1600  for just a disk of photos. trust your gut. if i were to do it over again i would have found the 3 grand to use the guy who did my brothers wedding because his photos were top notch not the guy i used 

    so if your gut is saying dont use the free person who has no clue then dont use him 

     
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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Yep, I'd take that $1400 budget and start shopping for photographers with good recommendations. You've already put that money aside for photos so you're no worse off than before your FILs made their offer.
                       
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  • marissaskissesmarissaskisses member
    First Anniversary Name Dropper 5 Love Its First Comment
    Originally they offered to help with the wedding financing in general, then today I was given the "only if we use their photographer" stipulation. We do have a close relationship compared to some in laws, which is part of the reason I was caught off guard by the stipulation in the first place. I do agree that it should be a discussion between the fiance and his mom. I just hope he's tactful about it...love him to death but he's not one for breaking things nicely LOL

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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    marissaskisses said:

    So one of my very dearest friends has her own wedding photography business, and she takes amazing photos. I have known her for 15 years and when she started this venture one thing was a given, when I got married, SHE would be the one to do the photography. Now after 6 years of being together my fiance finally proposed, however money is tight and he's pretty thrifty anyway. I allowed $1400 on the budget for the photography and my friend said she would work up a deal for me (just not sure what it is yet, but I know it will be under the $1400). Here's the kicker...


    The fiance's parents have offered to pay for the photography...providing we use someone THEY know (a personal friend with NO wedding photography experience and NO PROFESSIONAL photography experience. I kindly reminded my fiance how long I have known my friend and this "vendor" is not negotiable as far as the planning was concerned. To which his reply is "You would rather pay $1400 for a photographer than get one for free". 

    We could really use the financial help with the wedding and I'm really having a hard time with the fact that his family put this stipulation on helping financially. Has anyone else experienced this and how did you handle it??
    Tell your FI, " You get what you pay for." The photography we've been saving for is a professional who takes amazing photos and has a lot of experience photographing weddings. Your parents' friend has none. Since we're getting married only once with no do-overs, yes, I'd much rather pay for good service than get someone 'for free.' That's why I budgeted for it. Sorry, but I'm not open to using your parents' friend."
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  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    I'd decline their offer. 
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  • blabla89blabla89 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    You absolutely get what you pay for when it comes to wedding photography (unless you somehow luck out on having a talented photographer friend who gives you a great deal) and after the music is over, the food is eaten, and the dress is preserved, the photos are what you have left from your wedding day. Using a photographer without a portfolio of weddings they've shot would be a big nope for me, personally.

    You can politely tell your ILs, "Thank you so much for your generous offer, but we have already committed to hiring a dear friend of ours to do the photography." If they withdraw the offer then so be it. If they extend the offer of money anyway, then don't count on it until it's in your bank account, but remember that whoever pays gets a say.
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  • lovegood90lovegood90 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    photokitty said:
    I would not use either. I think it is a bad idea to hire a friend, if anything goes wrong it's not just another vendor you're dealing with. At the same time I definitely would not hire this amateur, also a family friend - see previous reason, who had no wedding experience. I recommend letting your friend be a guest, perhaps even a bridesmaid if she your very dearest friend, enjoy the day and not work. Hire sunshine else, a professional who you don't risk hurt feelings if they are any issues with their work. I refuse to photograph friends or family weddings, but I shoot as I wish as a guest.
    Agree with all this.

    Formerly martha1818

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  • teddygirl9teddygirl9 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    I would just reiterate that the other person is NOT a professional. I'd even bring it with the parents that this person has no professional experience and no wedding experience and you'd prefer someone with those two things. I doubt they'd even be 'paying' very much for this person, it sounds like they are helping him/her start up a business by offering up your wedding. No thanks.
    image
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  • MandyMostMandyMost member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    I'd have your FI say....

    "Thanks so much for the offer to pay for the photographer, we really appreciate it. However, marissakisses has already discussed the photography with her friend who's a professional wedding photographer who is going to give us a great package discount and do the whole thing for under $1400. Marissakisses knows her well, and loves her style of photography, and has been really set on using her services. So we won't be able to use the photographer you suggested. But thanks again for the offer!'.

    They'll come back and offer something else if they want to. 
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  • JCbride2015JCbride2015 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Yeah, I would also decline their offer.  But don't ask them to help with something else, even if it would be cheaper.  They will suggest something else if they really want to help.  It would be rude and potentially offensive to them if you asked to use the money for something else.
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    "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

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  • golden1215golden1215 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    "To which his reply is "You would rather pay $1400 for a photographer than get one for free". 

    Yes, a million times yes when it comes to photography.
    image
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  • levioosalevioosa member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Dreamergirl8812 said:
    CMGragain said:
    DO NOT COUNT ON ANY MONEY FROM FAMILY MEMBERS UNTIL IT IS IN YOUR BANK ACCOUNT!!!!
    image
    Dying.


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  • frenchiekinfrenchiekin member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer First Comment
    MandyMost said:
    I'd have your FI say....

    "Thanks so much for the offer to pay for the photographer, we really appreciate it. However, marissakisses has already discussed the photography with her friend who's a professional wedding photographer who is going to give us a great package discount and do the whole thing for under $1400. Marissakisses knows her well, and loves her style of photography, and has been really set on using her services. So we won't be able to use the photographer you suggested. But thanks again for the offer!'.

    They'll come back and offer something else if they want to. 
    Totally agree with above, though I don't know if I would mention the $1400 or whatever amount she charges you... I feel like it gives the FILs too much power/the opportunity to judge how much you're spending and try to sway you based on the amount.  I would replace "do the whole thing for under $1400" with "do the whole thing for under what we've already budgeted".  Just my personal opinion!

    Photography was one of our top priorities after food and booze... there is no way I'd trust the photos to someone who has never even shot a wedding before as an amateur starting out, nevermind professionally.  This is a hill I would die on.  There are always other places to cut back if FILs do not offer to pay for something else once you turn down their offer of photography... offer being the operative word! 

    Make sure you and FI are 100% on the same page before he talks to his mom.  Good luck!! :)


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  • rcher912rcher912 member
    5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    golden1215 said:
    "To which his reply is "You would rather pay $1400 for a photographer than get one for free". 

    Yes, a million times yes when it comes to photography.
    And again, yes. Yes I would. This time.

    Just wanted to echo PPs - you get what you pay for, and professional experience is important!!!!
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment

    Friendships aside, I would have to tell FI and FIL that while I appreciate the gift, you feel more comfortable using the person you would have to pay because they have years of wedding photography experience and I'm sure that the person they want to use is a good photographer, you prefer to use someone with years of wedding experience because it's not like you can re-do the photos if they don't turn out well. There are things that will come up where you will have to "pick your battles" and this is a battle to fight for.

    And like PP said, you get what you pay for.

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