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Wedding Etiquette Forum
marissaskisses
member
Help offered under stipulations???
So one of my very dearest friends has her own wedding photography business, and she takes amazing photos. I have known her for 15 years and when she started this venture one thing was a given, when I got married, SHE would be the one to do the photography. Now after 6 years of being together my fiance finally proposed, however money is tight and he's pretty thrifty anyway. I allowed $1400 on the budget for the photography and my friend said she would work up a deal for me (just not sure what it is yet, but I know it will be under the $1400). Here's the kicker...
The fiance's parents have offered to pay for the photography...providing we use someone THEY know (a personal friend with NO wedding photography experience and NO PROFESSIONAL photography experience. I kindly reminded my fiance how long I have known my friend and this "vendor" is not negotiable as far as the planning was concerned. To which his reply is "You would rather pay $1400 for a photographer than get one for free".
We could really use the financial help with the wedding and I'm really having a hard time with the fact that his family put this stipulation on helping financially. Has anyone else experienced this and how did you handle it??
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Re: Help offered under stipulations???
I was in a similar situation. Spend the money on one that was 1700 but does amazing work and is a professional with full rights after the wedding, or one that does nice work but isnt professional and woukd have been a heck of a lot cheaper. We went with the professional because you (hopefully) only get married once and pictures were a priority.
This is a discussion which should occur between you and your FI. I think you are well within your rights to say this is the vendor you want to go with. Having a good photographer is one of the most important choices you can make. You will look at these pictures for the rest of your life. Not to mention this is important to you and your FI should realize that and not brush it off so easily, that type of behavior would upset me.
All of that would be enough alone in my book for a discussion with your FI about this subject. However, the information you provided about the other vendor (no experience etc) would be enough on its own as well. Would he hire someone who has no experience to work on his car or repair something in his home? If you would not do that for any service in everyday life why would you start doing that now?
Bottom line: Talk to your FI. The wedding is between you and him, not you and his parents. It sounds like you and your FI are paying for this on your own. I think that is great because it cuts out so many issues we see on this board where money seems to come with strings attached. Keep planning the wedding you both can afford and keep lines of communication open.
I recommend letting your friend be a guest, perhaps even a bridesmaid if she your very dearest friend, enjoy the day and not work. Hire sunshine else, a professional who you don't risk hurt feelings if they are any issues with their work.
I refuse to photograph friends or family weddings, but I shoot as I wish as a guest.
Again, I could have read the situation wrong, just going off of your statement of "The fiance's parents have offered to pay for the photography...providing we use someone THEY know." If you are not going to use their photographer, and your FI agrees with this decision, then you can simply respond to the FILs by saying "Thank you so much for your offer, but I have been planning to use this one photographer for as long as I've known her and her work--several years--and it's the one thing FI and I are willing to splurge on because it means a lot to have her photograph our wedding." Simple.
If the FILs were in fact offering financial help that they'd be happy to apply to other aspects of the wedding, the response can be "FI and I have our heart set on a photographer already, but we're definitely open to suggestions on a DJ/caterer/florist/cake baker." Either way, both of these statements need to come from your FI to his parents (unless you have a close relationship with them that you feel comfortable having these conversations with them yourself).
As far as your thrifty FI goes, explain to him two things:
1. You have saved up and budgeted for this photographer. This is an expense that you've anticipated, planned for, and are happy to splurge on.
2. The other photographer might be free to YOU guys, but it won't be free to his parents, and by hiring a complete and total amateur, there is a slim chance they will get their money's worth. A wedding only happens once, so it's more fiscally responsible to invest in a reliable vendor.
You can politely tell your ILs, "Thank you so much for your generous offer, but we have already committed to hiring a dear friend of ours to do the photography." If they withdraw the offer then so be it. If they extend the offer of money anyway, then don't count on it until it's in your bank account, but remember that whoever pays gets a say.
Formerly martha1818
Friendships aside, I would have to tell FI and FIL that while I appreciate the gift, you feel more comfortable using the person you would have to pay because they have years of wedding photography experience and I'm sure that the person they want to use is a good photographer, you prefer to use someone with years of wedding experience because it's not like you can re-do the photos if they don't turn out well. There are things that will come up where you will have to "pick your battles" and this is a battle to fight for.
And like PP said, you get what you pay for.