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FMIL Negativity-To Speak Up or Not to Speak Up

My finance's mom and I used to be pretty close, I would hang out with her one on one and we had a great time. She is a negative person and I've always known that but since the negativity was never directed at me I was able to ignore it. Since we got engaged, the wedding and myself have become the targets of her negativity.  We are having a pretty traditional wedding, my parents are paying for the day of and his family is paying for the rehearsal. Our wedding is very soon and I was nervous because she had done nothing to plan the rehearsal dinner. I took it upon myself to call caterers in the area, work out a menu and got a final quote. I sent it to her, asked if she was ok with it and she said yes. Later I come to find out that she is calling other places behind my back and trying to change everything. I get that the rehearsal dinner is her thing, but I took care of the food for her. I was frustrated because I thought she would work on other things that needed to be done (so far the food is the only thing nailed down). At the beginning I really tried to include her in the wedding planning (her daughter, my FSIL is a bridesmaid), but throughout the whole process she has done nothing but make negative comments about the wedding.  At this point I don't even talk to her about the wedding.  Sometimes I feel like she doesn't want us to get married even though she's never said that. This is very hard on my fiance and although he hates her negativity, she is still his mom. He told her that her negative attitude toward the wedding has to stop and it did...for about a week. I've heard that people suddenly become less crazy after the wedding, but I'm already starting to resent her for making this special time anything but.  The only saving grace is that my family and my mom have been AWESOME. The only stress in the planning process has come from her. Am I being too sensitive? Should I say anything to her? 

Re: FMIL Negativity-To Speak Up or Not to Speak Up

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    Our venue is in a pretty remote area so there are not many vendors available so my finance and I wanted to book a caterer asap.. I offered to call places (thinking that would get the ball rolling for her to do it) but she accepted my offer and just told me to email her the quote.

    As far as comments, every detail of the wedding should be done differently. She doesn't give suggestions, just points out what she doesn't like. On multiple occasions she has said "If they even show up to your wedding" referring to different guests. She has told people the wrong time of the ceremony (thirty min late) even after I've told her the corect time, My parents are paying for her to stay in the main lodge of the property, but she threatened to stay in a hotel because she didn't like the room. There's plenty more but I try to not think about them. 
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    aod32815 said:
    Our venue is in a pretty remote area so there are not many vendors available so my finance and I wanted to book a caterer asap.. I offered to call places (thinking that would get the ball rolling for her to do it) but she accepted my offer and just told me to email her the quote.

    As far as comments, every detail of the wedding should be done differently. She doesn't give suggestions, just points out what she doesn't like. On multiple occasions she has said "If they even show up to your wedding" referring to different guests. She has told people the wrong time of the ceremony (thirty min late) even after I've told her the corect time, My parents are paying for her to stay in the main lodge of the property, but she threatened to stay in a hotel because she didn't like the room. There's plenty more but I try to not think about them. 

    That's best. The course of action you're following from your OP is what we'd recommend - if she doesn't have anything nice to say about any aspect of the wedding, just don't talk to her about the wedding.

    If this is truly upsetting your FI, and the negativity towards you is a new thing since the engagement, I think your FI should be the one to speak with her if anyone does. He can say that she hasn't seemed to be super happy about a lot of the wedding plans, and ask if there's anything bothering her that she'd like to talk about.

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    Don't confront her about her attitude. Accept her how she is, or keep some distance so you don't have to deal with her. Telling her you don't like an aspect of her personality will not make her suddenly change. 

    I also agree that your FI should be the one speaking with her. 

    My FI's mom is constantly telling me that none of her relatives will come to our wedding because it's a 2-hour drive for them, and that's "too far," so NO ONE is coming! Ok, fine. I don't care. First, she's probably wrong, and second, even if she's right I don't know these people and FI hardly knows them and has no relationship with them so who cares. I just smile and shrug when she makes the negative comments. It's not even worth worrying about. 
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    Sorry. Weddings do not so much change people as bring out things already there, but more noticeably.

    Focusing on changing her won't work. Now that you got a quote for something specific, she is motivated to get off her butt and do something, if only to get her way. So, you did accomplish something without confrontation.

    Now let her make any changes, she is hostess. If she does not do a good job, she will only embarrass herself now. She is queen of the rehearsal dinner.

    You get to walk away with her son. That may be the source of the change in behavior.
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    I'm sorry this is happening. Negativity is such a downer. 

    You have a couple of options: 

    1) Just let her plan the entire RD. Offer to help, but if she doesn't accept, let her deal with any fallouts from crappy planning. When people ask you what's going on, direct them to her. If it's really "her thing", then let it be her thing and don't worry about it. If it sucks, it's "her thing". 

    2) Decline her offer to host the RD and host it (read: plan it and pay for it) yourself. Since your parents are paying for the entire wedding, this may be a possibility for the two of you financially.
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    Did his family offer to pay for the rehearsal or did you assign it to them?

    Also, she's not required to stay in the lodge. If she wants to stay somewhere else, she can.
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    I completely understand your frustration. Just remember, her negativity has to do with her and not you. It reflects on her as a person and not anything you've done. If people don't like some of my wedding details...too bad. Not their wedding. As long as they're being properly hosted as it sounds like they are there's no issue here. Your wedding details (other than the RD) are none of her business so I would avoid telling her anything and advise your Fi to keep mum on the plans.

    If you're stressed about her planning the RD, decline her offer to host and handle it yourself. This way you'll have as little interaction with her about it as possible. However, she may be upset and insulted you're declining her offer so either way it's not an easy choice.

    This day is about you and your Fi. Try not to let her negativity and sassy attitude stress you out and ruin the joy the day brings.

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    zitiqueen said:
    Did his family offer to pay for the rehearsal or did you assign it to them?

    Also, she's not required to stay in the lodge. If she wants to stay somewhere else, she can.
    She offered to pay for the rehearsal. We didn't ask anything of her. 

    To me it seems pretty rude that when the entire family (both sides) will be staying at the lodge to participate in the wedding weekend. Everyone said they planned on staying there and now 30 days out she changes her mind. The nearest hotel is 20 min away. This just seemed like another way to make it about her...
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    aod32815 said:
    zitiqueen said:
    Did his family offer to pay for the rehearsal or did you assign it to them?

    Also, she's not required to stay in the lodge. If she wants to stay somewhere else, she can.
    She offered to pay for the rehearsal. We didn't ask anything of her. 

    To me it seems pretty rude that when the entire family (both sides) will be staying at the lodge to participate in the wedding weekend. Everyone said they planned on staying there and now 30 days out she changes her mind. The nearest hotel is 20 min away. This just seemed like another way to make it about her...

    How? (Genuine question.) She doesn't have to be part of the giant sleepover party for the weekend. No one does. Will someone have to go pick her up from the hotel each time and bring her to the lodge whenever there's an event, when she could just stay on site?

    Otherwise, if she's booking her own lodging and figuring out her own transportation, and not making a big deal out of it (is she making a big deal out of it?), I don't think you have any right to be upset, even if you did want everyone all together all the time.

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    aod32815 said:
    zitiqueen said:
    Did his family offer to pay for the rehearsal or did you assign it to them?

    Also, she's not required to stay in the lodge. If she wants to stay somewhere else, she can.
    She offered to pay for the rehearsal. We didn't ask anything of her. 

    To me it seems pretty rude that when the entire family (both sides) will be staying at the lodge to participate in the wedding weekend. Everyone said they planned on staying there and now 30 days out she changes her mind. The nearest hotel is 20 min away. This just seemed like another way to make it about her...
    She's doing this to get a rise out of you. And it sounds like it's working. 
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    And if she had said that from the beginning that would have been fine, but she seemed ok with for the past nine months and now all of sudden she is not. Yes, the point was that the whole wedding party and family stay on site since we will have things going on all weekend. She has "joked" about her son (the groom) being her chauffeur.  
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    aod32815 said:
    And if she had said that from the beginning that would have been fine, but she seemed ok with for the past nine months and now all of sudden she is not. Yes, the point was that the whole wedding party and family stay on site since we will have things going on all weekend. She has "joked" about her son (the groom) being her chauffeur.  
    Tell her that's not happening (the chauffeur thing). If she doesn't want to go to all the things happening all weekend, that's fine.
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    aod32815 said:
    And if she had said that from the beginning that would have been fine, but she seemed ok with for the past nine months and now all of sudden she is not. Yes, the point was that the whole wedding party and family stay on site since we will have things going on all weekend. She has "joked" about her son (the groom) being her chauffeur.  
    What kind of things?  How many things?  All these "things" are optional, right?

    Yeah, the Groom isn't going to be able to haul her ass around. Your FI needs to make that clear to her.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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    Jen4948 said:
    Well, your FI needs to tell her himself, firmly, that he's not going to be available to be her personal chauffeur and attendant, and if she needs that kind of attention, she'll need to hire a paid assistant. One thing I'm curious about: Given that your FMIL treats everyone else this way all the time, it seems to me that it was only a matter of time before she started taking shots at you. I'm wondering why it comes as such a surprise to you that she's decided to make up for lost time with you (assuming that her comments have no actual validity to them). Weddings don't make nastiness go away-they just make the couple a focus for it.
    PREACH.

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    aod32815 said:
    And if she had said that from the beginning that would have been fine, but she seemed ok with for the past nine months and now all of sudden she is not. Yes, the point was that the whole wedding party and family stay on site since we will have things going on all weekend. She has "joked" about her son (the groom) being her chauffeur.  
    Yeah, your FI needs to make it clear that he definitely will not be her servant for the weekend. Nope. 

    If she chooses to stay somewhere else all by herself while everyone else is at the lodge, is see this as a total win for you. 1) She's the one who will be missing out on the fun, and that's her own problem, not yours. She's going to miss out of stuff and she'll have to hear everyone else talking about how fun it was. Ha! Serves her right. and 2) She won't be around as much to bother you, so you'll have some space from her. 

    If I were you, I'd be more than glad that she's staying 20 minutes away. 
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    aod32815 said:

    And if she had said that from the beginning that would have been fine, but she seemed ok with for the past nine months and now all of sudden she is not. Yes, the point was that the whole wedding party and family stay on site since we will have things going on all weekend. She has "joked" about her son (the groom) being her chauffeur.  

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    Be sure your wedding research includes the name and phone numbers for taxis to take mom to and from her lodgings, if she cannot drive.

    Otherwise, her staying elsewhere sounds great.
    Hell, I'd pay for her room.

    Sometimes a little distance eases friction. Just so she knows that you and FI have your chosen home base, and will not be hanging out at her place, it sounds like a very good idea for her to have a separate place to see out of town friends and family, without hang around you when you want something different.

    Boundaries are often a good thing.
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    I had sort of the same situation with my FMIL and it came to a point where I stopped telling her things. I don't want the negativity in our wedding planning and so I just sort of distant myself from her and would only mention the wedding if I was asked.

    My Fi also spoke with her as well. However, it was things that he noticed she was doing on his own (the snarky comments, the the negative opinions, and being an all around debbie downer) She said she didn't realize she was doing it (Yeah right) and would try to stop. She didn't. So we just kind of stepped back with filling her in on certain details.
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