Thoughts on the generation dance?

charcoalandblush · February 2015

I was at a wedding last summer where, instead of doing the bouquet and garter toss, the couple had a "generation dance." The DJ called all married couples out onto the floor and started a song, then asked them to leave based on how long they'd been married (less than 1 day, less than 1 year, 5, 10, 15, etc.). I thought this was an adorable idea, and DF and I have talked about having one at our wedding. But I wanted to get people's thoughts.

My concern is that it is a little isolating to single/not married people. They'll basically be kicked off the dance floor and could feel left out. But on the other hand, it's probably 3 or 4 minutes, which seems like so little in comparison to the 5 or so hour long reception. I can't decide if I'm over-thinking it. Thoughts?

Dreamergirl8812 · February 2015

My BIL did this at his wedding, knowing that his grandparents would win. They had been married for 40 or 50 years (this was before I met DH). They took a picture when they were the last couple standing. DH's grandpa sent us that picture when we got engaged. His wife died between BIL's wedding and our engagement. It was such a beautiful picture and memory. So even though I wasn't there I smile whenever I picture them dancing like that.

I get why it might be awkward for those who are single. As long as they can go get a drink or to the bathroom I think you're fine. It's not mandatory to sit on single island and watch the couples dance.

If you have any VIPs that you know would not enjoy it then don't do it. Otherwise, you're celebrating marriage at a wedding!

wrigleyville · February 2015

It's generally called the "Anniversary Dance". We skipped it not only because of single guests but also because of divorced/widowed guests. I really didn't want our reception to turn into some contest as to who'd been married the longest and rub it in the faces of those who'd been divorced or widowed.

kat1114 · February 2015

We did it instead of a bouquet toss. Most of our guests were married, so I thought it would be better. It turned out really well an everyone seemed to enjoy it.

mrscomposer · February 2015

Just keep your crowd in mind - we had originally thought to do this instead of a bouquet toss, knowing that my grandparents would be the one to get the bouquet at the end.

However, when I thought more about it, I realized - my HUSBAND's grandparents would have been the ones to get the bouquet... if Gramps hadn't died the year before. I wasn't doing that to Granny, no way.

Lauderdale Pink · February 2015

I am not really sure why it has to be done instead of the bouquet/garter toss. Those are for the singles and the generation dance is for the marrieds. Sounds super fair to me.

CMGragain · February 2015

We attended a cousin's wedding less than a month after my Dad died. Can you imagine how we would have felt? My mother made a scene, anyway. Don't do it. Grandma might cry.

charcoalandblush · February 2015

Lauderdale Pink said:

I am not really sure why it has to be done instead of the bouquet/garter toss. Those are for the singles and the generation dance is for the marrieds. Sounds super fair to me.

The idea is that the couple that has been married the longest gets the bride's bouquet.

I get why the bouquet and garter toss are a no-no. Because I have personally been upset/offended by them before. At my friend's wedding last summer (4 months before DF proposed) I got dragged into the bouquet toss and was SO annoyed because it was a sore subject for me. I had felt ready to get married for a while and DF just wasn't there yet, and I took it pretty personally for a while (which I understand is ridiculous, but that didn't stop me from feeling that way). Being reminded that I was one of only about 3 or 4 "single" girls there really struck a nerve.

charcoalandblush · February 2015

CMGragain said:

We attended a cousin's wedding less than a month after my Dad died. Can you imagine how we would have felt? My mother made a scene, anyway. Don't do it. Grandma might cry.

Obviously if this were the case (or is the case by the time it gets around to our wedding) we wouldn't even think about doing it.

Jen4948 · February 2015

I wouldn't do it. There is no need to emphasize the marital status of anyone other than the bride and groom. It's hard enough for people who are single, divorced, widowed, or not happily married to attend weddings-why make it harder?

[Deleted User] · February 2015

We did it, and in our area it's also called the anniversary dance. Here is how I look at it

Everyone attending is there to celebrate love and marriage. If we have a dance to celebrate anniversaries or not, the event itself is going to remind single/divorced/widows, that they aren't there with someone special. So why not let those who are married celebrate their long standing love for each other
For many wives, it may be the only chance they can get their husbands out on the dance floor for a slow song that night

Now granted you have to take special things into consideration, like the one PP mentioned if there was a death of an immidiate family member fairly recent to the event. But if it's something you would enjoy doing, go for it. I've seen also where the bride & groom give the couple who has been married the longest a bottle of champagne/wine or the bride will give her bouquet to the wife instead of doing a toss. To me, why not celebrate love & show others that marriages can last and deserve to be recognized in a day and age where divorce is so common. And as for the single people, they can use that song as a chance for a bathroom break or to get a drink.

slothiegal · February 2015

I think it's a know your crowd sort of deal. Obviously you're not going to be insensitive enough to do it in a situation like what CMG described.

After assessing our guest list (seeing if there had been any recent divorces, widowers, etc.), we made the decision to do it, and it was really, really beautiful. (H's grandparents won with 56 years!)

southernbelle0915 · February 2015

slothiegal said:

I think it's a know your crowd sort of deal. Obviously you're not going to be insensitive enough to do it in a situation like what CMG described.

After assessing our guest list (seeing if there had been any recent divorces, widowers, etc.), we made the decision to do it, and it was really, really beautiful. (H's grandparents won with 56 years!)

Exactly this. Definitely know your crowd.

We did the same thing.

MandyMost · February 2015

slothiegal said:

I think it's a know your crowd sort of deal. Obviously you're not going to be insensitive enough to do it in a situation like what CMG described.

After assessing our guest list (seeing if there had been any recent divorces, widowers, etc.), we made the decision to do it, and it was really, really beautiful. (H's grandparents won with 56 years!)

I don't think it really matters how recent the death or divorce was. If any of your VIPs are divorced or widowed I wouldn't do this. Or even any family members you're inviting. My mother was widowed 16 years ago...I'm sure most people don't think that she would be sensitive to sitting there while everyone else was dancing, but it would be heartbreaking for me to see. If they did this at a cousin's wedding, for example, she'd be watching all her brother-and-sister-in-laws dancing, while she sat there...knowing well enough that she'd been married longer than most of them.

I think it's easy for my mother to celebrate other people's love and marriage. I don't think it's easy for her to sit there and watch people "win" at being married the longest when the only reason she's not up there is because he died.

ohannabelle · February 2015

I hate these things. I've suffered through two, and hope the trend dies a swift and horrible death.

Not because I'm a bitter old woman who resents other people's happiness, (I love weddings! I love romance!) but I really do feel awkward and alone and conspicuous sitting by myself while most of my family and friends are out beaming on the dance floor.

Sometimes certain people (not pointing fingers at my sister, but fuck you, EmilyAnne) even give me a nice smile combined with an oooohnooo, poor Annabelle! expression, which seriously makes me want to puke.

Just my take. If you don't have any divorced or widowed friends or family, sure, that's great. But for the people that are stuck on the sidelines and not welcome to participate, not much fun at all. Honestly kind of painful.

Jen4948 · February 2015

slothiegal said:
I think it's a know your crowd sort of deal. Obviously you're not going to be insensitive enough to do it in a situation like what CMG described.

After assessing our guest list (seeing if there had been any recent divorces, widowers, etc.), we made the decision to do it, and it was really, really beautiful. (H's grandparents won with 56 years!)

I think it's more than a "know your crowd" thing.

What if the couple who has been married the longest doesn't want the public recognition or is having relationship problems of their own?

And what if there are also a lot of other spotlight dances, toasts, and other demands on the guests' attention to "honor" other people? I think that if there's too much "honoring" going on, people are going to get really bored with having to sit and watch. And the "honorees" may also not be okay with it either.

Just as bouquet and garter tosses aren't necessary and can make people uncomfortable to watch, let alone participate in, so can anniversary dances. OP, if you don't want your guests to feel uncomfortable, just skip them all and let all your guests dance, regardless of their marital status.

jacobsmawedding15 · February 2015

Maybe you could do it right after the traditional dances ended. That way you aren't "kicking anyone off the dance floor" and right after it's over, the DJ can play some funky music to get everyone who's standing around after leaving the dance floor to get right back on it. I love the Anniversary Dance idea. It really captures what weddings are all about and allows you to honor a couple that you admire. You are never going to please everyone. You definitely shouldn't cut something to accommodate those who are going to get all negative and huffy because they are single (who would probably get all offended at the bouquet toss so you can't win anyway). Instead you can lift up some real positive influences and celebrate marriage in general at a wedding.

slothiegal · February 2015

Jen4948 said:

I think it's a know your crowd sort of deal. Obviously you're not going to be insensitive enough to do it in a situation like what CMG described.

After assessing our guest list (seeing if there had been any recent divorces, widowers, etc.), we made the decision to do it, and it was really, really beautiful. (H's grandparents won with 56 years!)
I think it's more than a "know your crowd" thing. What if the couple who has been married the longest doesn't want the public recognition or is having relationship problems of their own? And what if there are also a lot of other spotlight dances, toasts, and other demands on the guests' attention to "honor" other people? I think that if there's too much "honoring" going on, people are going to get really bored with having to sit and watch. And the "honorees" may also not be okay with it either. Just as bouquet and garter tosses aren't necessary and can make people uncomfortable to watch, let alone participate in, so can anniversary dances. OP, if you don't want your guests to feel uncomfortable, just skip them all and let all your guests dance, regardless of their marital status.

Like I said, we took a lot of things into consideration before we made the choice to have it, including things you mentioned.

It worked for us, and our guests. It may not (correction, will not) work for everyone.

PrettyGirlLost · February 2015

I think it's lovely and it's a know your crowd thing.

daria24 · February 2015

We did it, nearly every wedding I've been to has done it. And I have a few widowed family members (not recently widowed). My family always enjoys seeing how long all the other couples have been married. At my wedding, H's aunt and uncle were the longest married, though they are not able to dance. I got to give them the bouquet anyway and they were very touched.

flantastic · February 2015

I don't mind them, but unless I know most of the couples, I also don't really care about watching it.

We didn't do one but that's because I hate interrupting people having a good time to do "extras" - so for one of the same reasons why we cut out a bouquet/garter toss and anything else like that.

wrigleyville · February 2015

flantastic said:

I don't mind them, but unless I know most of the couples, I also don't really care about watching it.
We didn't do one but that's because I hate interrupting people having a good time to do "extras" - so for one of the same reasons why we cut out a bouquet/garter toss and anything else like that.

Same here. In addition to singling out single/divorced/widowed guests, it's yet another spotlight dance I don't feel like sitting through.

Also, I don't want my H to feel "forced" to dance with me. We've been dragged out to the floor for those before, and he completely resented it (and I was pissed about all the extra attention). H does not dance. We didn't have a first dance at our wedding because he Does Not Dance. So when the DJ was yelling at us and the MOH was physically pulling on H's arm, I was tempted to pick up our stuff and walk out.

flantastic · February 2015

wrigleyville said:

flantastic said:

I don't mind them, but unless I know most of the couples, I also don't really care about watching it.
We didn't do one but that's because I hate interrupting people having a good time to do "extras" - so for one of the same reasons why we cut out a bouquet/garter toss and anything else like that.

Same here. In addition to singling out single/divorced/widowed guests, it's yet another spotlight dance I don't feel like sitting through.

Also, I don't want my H to feel "forced" to dance with me. We've been dragged out to the floor for those before, and he completely resented it (and I was pissed about all the extra attention). H does not dance. We didn't have a first dance at our wedding because he Does Not Dance. So when the DJ was yelling at us and the MOH was physically pulling on H's arm, I was tempted to pick up our stuff and walk out.

This reminds me of the other reason we didn't include the bouquet/garter toss - the two weddings where H's cousin (his own and his sister's) got on the microphone to call me out for not going up to the bouquet toss. Fuck you, Nathan.

jenijoyk · February 2015

We did a version of this, but it wasn't a dance. We suggested the dance to our DJ and he said something along the lines of, "My job is to get people ON to the dance floor, not kick them off the dance floor." Point taken.

So instead, at a point either right before toasts or right after (I can't remember), when everyone was still at their tables, he asked the married couples to stand, and then sit down based on how long they'd been married. Ended with my aunt and uncle standing at the end, and then he asked them if they had any advice for us... their response was, "Two televisions." Which cracked everyone up. It was one of the highlights of the night.

So if you're interested in this, not having the dance is a good option. Having people stand at their tables took up way less time than doing a dance, non-marrieds weren't stuck at the tables alone while all the marrieds got up, and it didn't kill the dance floor. Plus this way, older people who might have trouble getting around are still included (although we didn't have this concern with our guests specifically).

Junebug2015 · February 2015

You can do this without it being isolating by simply playing a slow song and inviting people to bring the one they love to the floor to dance. It doesn't have to be a married couple thing, or a big official "event."

I've been to weddings before where they play NO slow music at all, and it can be kind of nice to have a slow song that all the guests can dance to, not just those getting married. It gives guests a chance to ask the bride and groom to dance as well.

Jen4948 · February 2015

Junebug2015 said:
You can do this without it being isolating by simply playing a slow song and inviting people to bring the one they love to the floor to dance. It doesn't have to be a married couple thing, or a big official "event."

I've been to weddings before where they play NO slow music at all, and it can be kind of nice to have a slow song that all the guests can dance to, not just those getting married. It gives guests a chance to ask the bride and groom to dance as well.

I once attended a bar mitzvah where they played a bunch of slow songs for people to dance to. I was not in a relationship at the time and attended on my own, whereas every other guest had someone else to dance with. When they played a slow dance as the final song, I was the only person who didn't get to dance. It was not fun to be the one person left out. I would just skip the generation dance, bouquet toss (and definitely the garter toss), and just not have dances or activities that would make anyone feel not just left out but very lonely and self-conscious about it.

kmmssg · February 2015

I am in the "know your crowd" camp. We did this at 2 of our DD's weddings. At the last one we were pretty sure my BIL/SIL would win and they did. Married 31 years and are freaking awesome. If we had had recent widows/divorcees we would have skipped it but felt confident in our choice as we knew our crowd well.

southernbelle0915 · February 2015

Jen4948 said:

You can do this without it being isolating by simply playing a slow song and inviting people to bring the one they love to the floor to dance. It doesn't have to be a married couple thing, or a big official "event."

I've been to weddings before where they play NO slow music at all, and it can be kind of nice to have a slow song that all the guests can dance to, not just those getting married. It gives guests a chance to ask the bride and groom to dance as well.
I once attended a bar mitzvah where they played a bunch of slow songs for people to dance to. I was not in a relationship at the time and attended on my own, whereas every other guest had someone else to dance with. When they played a slow dance as the final song, I was the only person who didn't get to dance. It was not fun to be the one person left out. I would just skip the generation dance, bouquet toss (and definitely the garter toss), and just not have dances or activities that would make anyone feel not just left out but very lonely and self-conscious about it.

I don't think it's atypical for slow songs to be played. I'm sorry this made you feel left out, but it's just not reasonable to think that slow songs shouldn't be played (or will hurt feelings) because there might be some people who don't have anyone to dance with.

Kahlyla · February 2015

southernbelle0915 said:

Jen4948 said:

You can do this without it being isolating by simply playing a slow song and inviting people to bring the one they love to the floor to dance. It doesn't have to be a married couple thing, or a big official "event."

I've been to weddings before where they play NO slow music at all, and it can be kind of nice to have a slow song that all the guests can dance to, not just those getting married. It gives guests a chance to ask the bride and groom to dance as well.
I once attended a bar mitzvah where they played a bunch of slow songs for people to dance to. I was not in a relationship at the time and attended on my own, whereas every other guest had someone else to dance with. When they played a slow dance as the final song, I was the only person who didn't get to dance. It was not fun to be the one person left out. I would just skip the generation dance, bouquet toss (and definitely the garter toss), and just not have dances or activities that would make anyone feel not just left out but very lonely and self-conscious about it.

I don't think it's atypical for slow songs to be played. I'm sorry this made you feel left out, but it's just not reasonable to think that slow songs shouldn't be played (or will hurt feelings) because there might be some people who don't have anyone to dance with.

I agree. And what about all the people who insist they can't dance? Usually meaning they can't dance to fast songs/they feel like they have no rhythm/they don't know any moves/they don't know what to do with their arms. I would say that throughout my teenage years and twenties the vast majority of my friends would have been sitting out all the fast songs and desperately hoping for something slow to come on (I don't think our dancing skills have evolved so much as we're now more comfortable with our dorkiness!).

As for me, I was the one with no girlfriends and only my boyfriend from outside my school; even going to the dance at all was a huge leap outside my comfort zone and I kept thinking I was risking bullying simply by showing up. Yeah, I really wasn't going to be joining in the club/fast dancing with the other girls who either made it their mission to make my life a living hell or didn't know who I was. /overshare

You can't please everyone. I think a mix of fast and slow songs while trying to feel out the crowd is the best anyone can do.

Jen4948 · February 2015

southernbelle0915 said:

Jen4948 said:

You can do this without it being isolating by simply playing a slow song and inviting people to bring the one they love to the floor to dance. It doesn't have to be a married couple thing, or a big official "event."

I've been to weddings before where they play NO slow music at all, and it can be kind of nice to have a slow song that all the guests can dance to, not just those getting married. It gives guests a chance to ask the bride and groom to dance as well.
I once attended a bar mitzvah where they played a bunch of slow songs for people to dance to. I was not in a relationship at the time and attended on my own, whereas every other guest had someone else to dance with. When they played a slow dance as the final song, I was the only person who didn't get to dance. It was not fun to be the one person left out. I would just skip the generation dance, bouquet toss (and definitely the garter toss), and just not have dances or activities that would make anyone feel not just left out but very lonely and self-conscious about it.

I don't think it's atypical for slow songs to be played. I'm sorry this made you feel left out, but it's just not reasonable to think that slow songs shouldn't be played (or will hurt feelings) because there might be some people who don't have anyone to dance with.

I don't think that. I just wouldn't make all the dances slow or couple dances or deliberately do something that would make guests feel uncomfortable.

Thoughts on the generation dance?

Re: Thoughts on the generation dance?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards