I don't know if I need advice, I think I just need to whine so I can get this off my chest and move on.
My parents are some of the most self-absorbed people I've ever come across. They've done some really selfish, inconsiderate things that have impacted other people to the point that-- from just one of these instances-- my mom's entire side of the family was unhappy with the situation and upset with my parents. And they've done some things that have shown that they care far more about showing off to their friends than they do about anything else. It's all about appearances, right?
My dad's cousin's son got married last year so the FOG hosted this huge elaborate brunch the next day for all the wedding guests. This gave my parents the idea to do the same for me. When they first brought it up, I told them it seemed like it would be expensive and it was unnecessary, so don't worry about it. (Remember how my dad insisted on paying for the food, and he chose the food, and he approved the total cost, and then weeks later he flipped the fuck out on me about the cost but STILL insisted on paying?). When they brought it up again, I said if they thought the food for the wedding was so expensive, then there was no need for them to shell out any more money for anything else, and again, the brunch is totally unnecessary. I do not want the brunch, so don't do it. Why would you want to pay for something like that if you're so pissed about paying for wedding food? Save your money!
But they kept bringing it up, and then I realized that the reason they were insisting on this brunch is because they don't care what that costs, since it's their chance to play big shots and throw this huge affair that they get total control over, and show off to everyone. Fine. Knock yourselves out. They clearly did not care at all that I explicitly said I didn't want the brunch. This was clearly for them and not me, so I wasn't going to fight them on it.
The wedding is in city X. My parents live in city Y, an hour due west. Most of the guest will be coming from the south, some from the east, and some will be flying into an airport that's directly south of city Y or directly north of city Y (these are the nearest major airports). Very few people will be coming from the west, and those that are are all from my side (FI's side is all south and east). But.... wait for it... my dad's very wealthy cousins are coming from the west.
So. My parents start talking about throwing this huge brunch in their city. I tell them right off the bat I do not like that idea, because it will exclude FI's entire side. I am NOT going to ask anyone to drive an hour west to my parents' city, to then have to go an hour back east and then the rest of the way home. That's hugely inconvenient to everyone EXCEPT my parents and the few people coming from their direction. Classic parents.
When they "realized" they would be excluding FI's side, they claimed they would re-think the plan, but they didn't. I told them several times that I was not happy with FI's parents being excluded on purpose, but they're going full-steam ahead with their Great Gatsby party. (I call it this cuz my dad could fucking be Gatsby. No real friends but everyone comes for the party and the hedonism. Throw all the money around cuz that makes you important! Gross).
As soon as I remembered that my parents are not reasonable people, and their motivations are selfish, I gave up on trying to have them host the brunch in wedding city so that FI's parents could come. My final word on it was that this was clearly just for them and their friends, which is fine, they can do whatever they want. But don't associate it with my wedding. And I will not be attending. I'll stay in wedding city and have breakfast with FI's wonderful family and our WP that are flying from all over the country to spend the weekend with us (the location is also extremely inconvenient to every single member of the WP). I will not attend something that purposely excludes my new in-laws.
Normally I wouldn't even make a big deal about this because like I said, they can do whatever they want. If they want to have brunch at their big fancy country club with just their friends and spend a stupid amount of money, fine. Go ahead. But it's the message behind it, and the history of selfishness, and how they're more concerned with showing off for the wealthy cousins than they are with spending time with my new family or making them feel welcomed, or spending time with my mom's side of the family, or anyone else who probably won't want to go so far out of their way.... I just can't with this.
I'm embarrassed and disappointed. I find it extremely humiliating when they pull shit like this, and then all their relatives/friends are coming to me about "why would they do this? Why are they being so selfish? Why is your dad such an asshole?" Or they don't come directly to me but I still overhear comments, or notice how upset people are. I find it humiliating that my parents are not even attempting to include FI's parents at all. I find it humiliating that I've voiced this to them, and they went on with their plan anyway without even considering other options. I just don't like the people that they are sometimes. Actually, I don't like the person my dad is all the time, but I expect more from my mom. It just sucks.
From the first time FI's parents met my parents, and especially with how our engagement party went, I've been waiting for FI's parents to change their minds about welcoming me into their family, because if I come from such awful people how can I not be awful too? I also wonder about how they feel about their son marrying into such a family and having to deal with that type of in-laws.
So thanks for letting me whine. It's probably something I should work out in therapy but since my insurance won't cover all the appointments, I can't afford to go back right now. TK will have to be my therapist for the time-being.