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Venty; Probably a little flameworthy

0Face0Face member
Tenth Anniversary 250 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
in Wedding Woes
Sister/Friend who got married this past summer is constantly complaining about her H.

I mean saying he's an "idiot" or berating him in text.  I know she's partially venting to ME, but lately and I'm talking MONTHS she hasn't really said anything constructive, positive or otherwise good about him.  Whenever it takes a good turn, it is backed by "but he never really follows through so he probably won't this time either". 

Now, I understand that she is frustrated, but there is a point where it's completely destructive and no wonder he feels like she's mean to him.  I remember asking her last year if she REALLY wanted to marry him.  And her response was of the "I do love him" variety.  Okay?  So I said my piece, I let her be.  I supported her, I smiled, I listened, I patted her hand, gave her hugs...really listened.

I hate to say it, but I feel like there is a very definite expiration date on their marriage.  I know the answer on my side is just do what I'm doing, in being supportive, but it's hard to shut off all that negativity.

*judge-y, totally judge-y*
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Re: Venty; Probably a little flameworthy

  • PMeg819PMeg819 member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    That's not judge-y to me. I think there are plenty of women who get married and say "well things will be different" like marriage will just do a 180 on a guy. Spoiler alert: if he's lazy or whatever now, it's not going to change. These are the women that have kids with a guy and don't trust them enough to watch the kids alone while she goes out. I hope your friend figures it out before she has kids because man, she will get angry and mean if he's so horrible now and doesn't step up to her imaginary plate when a baby comes.
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  • 0Face0Face member
    Tenth Anniversary 250 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    Here's the kicker:

    They've never discussed or had a full financial disclosure. She has no clue what his finances are-as in debt to income, credit score, etc.

    She won't even think about having kids with him because she can't even leave him be for a weekend without coming home to a house full of dirty clothes, dirty dishes and unkempt husband.

    This stuff has been going on for longer than 6 months, so I'm all "side eye" about it.
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  • jacques27jacques27 member
    Knottie Warrior 1000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited February 2015

    Out of curiosity, why is being blindly "supportive" and letting her be negative the right answer?  What good does that do either of you?

    Personally, the next time she starts in, I would have no qualms saying "Listen, you've been going on about this for nearly a year now and nothing has changed.  Exactly what are you going to do about it?"  And if she has no answer for that, then I'd just politely state "I know you're frustrated, but if you have no plans to do anything constructive about the situation, then I don't really know what there is for me to do that can help you."  And then every time she starts in, change the subject to the most recent book you read, or movie you watched, or what's going on with your favorite sports team.  Or just flat out say "I really am not in the mood for such negativity.  How about we talk about something else?"

    Admittedly, I'm not the type to just be blindly supportive, and certainly not blindly supportive of people who choose to wallow and not do anything to help themselves.  My friends and I have a 3 minute rule.  If it's a subject we've vented about before or we've wallowed on about and gotten mopey about before and we know we're not ready to actually do anything constructive about it, we just say to the other "I don't expect you to respond.  Please just let me be mopey or vent for 3 minutes.  Then it'll be over and we'll move on."  And then we tell the other when the 3 minutes are up.  It allows us to feel our feelings, but we don't monopolize each others time with our nonsense.  We're also a pretty self-aware group though...

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