How to calm down future sister in law?

dcbride86 · February 2015

My future sister-in-law is a BM, and her husband is a groomsman. They have 3 adorable boys. FSIL is constantly telling me that she's so afraid that youngest boy (2 years old) will start crying or yelling, or running around during the wedding. I've told her over and over again that she shouldn't worry about this. That I'm sure he will be okay, that I'll think it's kind of funny if he yells (I really will), and that if he's bieng so bad, I'm sure someone will take him outside. But she still calls and texts me several times a week freaking out about it. Does anyone have any polite way I can tell her to calm the f down?

zitiqueen · February 2015

dcbride86 said:

My future sister-in-law is a BM, and her husband is a groomsman. They have 3 adorable boys. FSIL is constantly telling me that she's so afraid that youngest boy (2 years old) will start crying or yelling, or running around during the wedding. I've told her over and over again that she shouldn't worry about this. That I'm sure he will be okay, that I'll think it's kind of funny if he yells (I really will), and that if he's bieng so bad, I'm sure someone will take him outside. But she still calls and texts me several times a week freaking out about it. Does anyone have any polite way I can tell her to calm the f down?

Who will be watching the kids all day if both parents are in the wedding?

Maggie0829 · February 2015

I think your FI needs to intercede here. He should say something like, "Sis, I get that you are concerned, but dcbride86 and I aren't so please just drop it."

lovegood90 · February 2015

Why doesn't she just get a babysitter? Is her husband not going to be at the wedding? Parenting is both the mother and father's job, BTW.

ETA: Just read that the husband is a groomsman. Sounds like they should get a babysitter if she's this worried since they'll both be busy during the ceremony.

lmcooper86 · February 2015

My FSIL has a boy who will be 2 by our wedding date, and is expecting another baby any day now. She isn't in the wedding party but her H is a groomsman. She's arranged for her H's parents to take care of her older son the day of the wedding; they'll bring him to the church and take him out if needed, and will take him home and stay with him during the reception. She's also going to have a babysitter with her for the majority of the day to help her with the baby; that way if the baby starts crying during the ceremony the babysitter can take him outside and FSIL or FMIL don't have to miss part of the ceremony. She arranged all of this herself, and if it will make her day easier it's totally fine by me. Maybe your FSIL could do something similar?

JellyBean52513 · February 2015

I don't have any practical advice, just couldn't help but think GEEZ what a far cry from the SS bullshit about MANDATORY CHILDCARE in the other thread I just read!

I would also just tell her (or have FI tell her, although it sounds like you two have a close relationship yourselves) to hire a babysitter to attend with the kids, and you'll help her find one if she needs (if you want to do that, of course)

dcbride86 · February 2015

lovegood90 said:

Why doesn't she just get a babysitter? Is her husband not going to be at the wedding? Parenting is both the mother and father's job, BTW.
ETA: Just read that the husband is a groomsman. Sounds like they should get a babysitter if she's this worried since they'll both be busy during the ceremony.

The kids are also in the wedding. They'll sit with gradparents, and an aunt has agreed to take the kids out if they're misbehaving. I'm just not sure why she's so concerned.

MadHops21 · February 2015

This is almost as weird of a concern as moving out of state and offending people.

dcbride86 · February 2015

Maggie0829 said:

I think your FI needs to intercede here. He should say something like, "Sis, I get that you are concerned, but dcbride86 and I aren't so please just drop it."

I totally agree. Unfortunately, he has been SLAMMED at work for the past month. He's been working until 8 or 9 PM every night, and FSIL tends to keep people on the phone for at least an hour, so he hasn't wanted to call her. Hopefully his work stuff will settle down soon though

Jen4948 · February 2015

If this is something she's really concerned about then she should find a babysitter for them.

But your FI should tell her, "SIL, we're both okay with the kids coming and even with their running around and making noise, provided someone removes them. We both understand that someone will supervise them. So we'd really appreciate it if you'd relax about this. If the worst that happens is that they run around and make noise, we'll consider ourselves lucky."

novella1186 · February 2015

dcbride86 said:

lovegood90 said:

Why doesn't she just get a babysitter? Is her husband not going to be at the wedding? Parenting is both the mother and father's job, BTW.
ETA: Just read that the husband is a groomsman. Sounds like they should get a babysitter if she's this worried since they'll both be busy during the ceremony.

The kids are also in the wedding. They'll sit with gradparents, and an aunt has agreed to take the kids out if they're misbehaving. I'm just not sure why she's so concerned.

Maybe that's the key right there. Ask her WHY she's so concerned. "I won't care, FI won't care, we are not worried about it. So why are you?" Pry into what exactly she's really worried about. If there's already a plan for the aunt to take the kid out, then who cares?

The only 2 bad things that could happen are 1) if the kid cries and causes a huge ruckus during the vows (which you've already said won't bother you, and there's a plan in place to remove him) or 2) if a VIP ends up having to remove the kid (like groom's mom) so this VIP misses all the vows (which you've already got a plan in place for!) So.... what else could she be worried about? I'm really trying to think of this from a mom perspective which is hard cuz I'm not a mom, and I got nothin.

southernbelle0915 · February 2015

Ask her what would make her feel more comfortable with the situation. If there are no "action items" and she just wants to bitch, then tell her you've got to go. If there's something that people can actually DO to quell her anxiety, then do it if it's possible.

Options:

1) suggest hiring a babysitter

2) ask if she'd feel more comfortable sitting with the child during the ceremony (would mean not standing up with you)

3) suggest taking a xanax with wine.

dcbride86 · February 2015

Thanks, guys!! I think she's maybe just stressing, but I'll take Novella's advice and ask her why she's so concerned soon

[Deleted User] · February 2015

Also maybe tell her that the important part of the day is that at the end of the day you and your FI will be husband and wife and a little noise from a child isn't going to stop that from happening.

saric83 · February 2015

Maybe this is her kind of subtle way of trying to bring up to you that she doesn't want him in the wedding and would prefer if they could just leave him with a sitter the whole night?

PrettyGirlLost · February 2015

southernbelle0915 said:

Ask her what would make her feel more comfortable with the situation. If there are no "action items" and she just wants to bitch, then tell her you've got to go. If there's something that people can actually DO to quell her anxiety, then do it if it's possible.

Options:
1) suggest hiring a babysitter
2) ask if she'd feel more comfortable sitting with the child during the ceremony (would mean not standing up with you)
3) suggest taking a xanax with wine.

1st, I'd suggest not forcing your wedding party to stand up at the altar with you the entire ceremony. There's really no reason they all need to be up there the whole time, and it's uncomfortable, even if you are wearing your most comfortable shoes and your ceremony is only 20mins long.

Let your wedding party, including the kids, sit in the 1st row of pews/chairs. Everyone will be much more comfortable and thankful.

2nd, as another PP said maybe she's trying to hint at the fact that she really doesn't want her kids in the wedding and would prefer to be in your wedding w/o having to deal with them? Is there a way for FI could verify that his brother is really ok with having his kids in the wedding, w/o it sounding like you are trying to kick the kids out?

princessleia22 · February 2015

My sister was concerned also when I wanted my 6-year old niece to be a bridesmaid (sister was also a BM). We also had a 3 year old flower girl. She was worried the kids would get bored and start acting out. We assured her that we would be fine with whatever and it wouldn't ruin our wedding. In the end, those kids were perfect angels and super calm during the whole ceremony. But, it wouldn't have mattered if they hadn't been.

But, my sister is the type who had dreamt every detail of her own wedding and wanted things to go perfectly for her, so she assumed it had to be the same with mine. Even with BM dresses, I told them to just get any short blue dress, they didn't need to match, and they still coordinated to buy same dress because that's what they thought it should be. So, your SIL may be the same way. She may have been so concerned about perfection on her wedding day that she dreads ruining yours, even if it's something you aren't really concerned over. And no matter how many times I tried to convince them that those details didn't matter to me, they never really accepted it. Their hearts were in the right place and they just wanted to make my day perfect, but their idea of perfect didn't match mine... or rather my idea of perfect didn't need to be AS perfect as their idea.

dcbride86 · February 2015

PrettyGirlLost said:

southernbelle0915 said:

Ask her what would make her feel more comfortable with the situation. If there are no "action items" and she just wants to bitch, then tell her you've got to go. If there's something that people can actually DO to quell her anxiety, then do it if it's possible.

Options:
1) suggest hiring a babysitter
2) ask if she'd feel more comfortable sitting with the child during the ceremony (would mean not standing up with you)
3) suggest taking a xanax with wine.

1st, I'd suggest not forcing your wedding party to stand up at the altar with you the entire ceremony. There's really no reason they all need to be up there the whole time, and it's uncomfortable, even if you are wearing your most comfortable shoes and your ceremony is only 20mins long.

Let your wedding party, including the kids, sit in the 1st row of pews/chairs. Everyone will be much more comfortable and thankful.

2nd, as another PP said maybe she's trying to hint at the fact that she really doesn't want her kids in the wedding and would prefer to be in your wedding w/o having to deal with them? Is there a way for FI could verify that his brother is really ok with having his kids in the wedding, w/o it sounding like you are trying to kick the kids out?

I don't think that's it. She was the one who really wanted them in the wedding. Right after we got engaged, she called her mom and asked if we would have a spot for them, and has been really excited it ever since

I like the idea of having the WP sit, though. There's no altar/pew - just a chuppah and then the first row, but that could work. I think she really wants to stand, though. She's also mentioned on several occasions how much she wants to stand up (both to me and to others)

How to calm down future sister in law?

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