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Knottie42959610 · February 2015

flantastic · February 2015

Knottie42959610 said:

Hello! So I am a newlywed (yay!). One of my BMs couldn't make it to the wedding bc she became pregnant and lives across the country so couldn't travel. Exciting time for both of us! I never "demoted" her or did anything of the sort, and in my mind she was always still a BM, even though she couldn't physically be there. I loved how we both were able to stay in touch with updates on her pregnancy and my wedding. I know she felt bad about not being able to make it because I was just in her wedding last year and really bent over backwards for her, and she made a point of saying to me how since she can't come to the wedding she is going to get me a "really fantastic gift" (IDK why she made a point of emphasizing this)...

However, when it came to all of my pre-wedding events, she basically went MIA. She DID chip in for my shower, but never sent me a gift (You might say the gift IS chipping in for the shower, but she got married just last year, and I both chipped in for the shower, PLUS got her a really nice gift). When it was the weekend of my Bach party, I spoke to her on the phone the day before and told her that it was that weekend. She said "Yes, that's right, it is this weekend!" then the next day was texting me pics of her baby while I was out celebrating (wtf?). When I told my other BMs I wanted to contact her to thank her for the weekend, they told me she didn't chip in or contribute at all. This upset me because 1. she was still a BM in my mind and 2. this put more of a burden financially on the other BMs. Not cool. So I mentioned this to her because I was a little hurt, and she fully admitted that she completely "dropped the ball..." ...I have been trying to be really understanding because she is going through an exciting and special time being a new mom. and I know everyone on here likes to freak out anytime you so much as express annoyance to a new mom.

However, I am also hurt because she got married just last year, and I was her BM and literally bent over backwards for her, whether it was driving 2 hours by myself to pick up her dress for her, to picking them up at the airport, to planning and paying for her bridal shower, to (additionally) getting her a really nice shower gift, to planning a fantastic Bach party weekend for her, to getting her a really nice wedding gift...not to mention getting her a really nice baby gift and christmas gift for her new baby....I did these things because I am her friend, wanted to be a good BM, and I was SO thrilled for her. I did not do them to expect "payback" when it was "my turn"....but honestly yes, it sucks and it does hurt, more than I want to admit. I should mention that I've been married 2 months and she hasn't so much as picked up the phone to call me to ask me how my wedding went (Yes, I understand this goes both ways, I could have picked up the phone to call her, but I do feel like I am the one who got married and she couldn't come, so she should reach out to me). She called me yesterday finally but I just am not sure at this point about the friendship and am questioning it.... I guess I just feel kind of hurt and confused. I am really trying to give her the benefit of the doubt but I am just not sure.

Weddings and friendships are not tit for tat. You admit as much. It is great that you were in a place where you could be generous for her wedding, but you were under no obligation to do those things for her. Your BM was under no obligation to do them for you. Having a baby is a lot going on. I'm sorry you are disappointed that she was unable to be present for your wedding, but you have no actual ground to stand on to be mad at her.

Your other BMs should not have been concerned about her chipping in for your bach. If she didn't offer to host and she didn't go, there's no reason she should have to pay for it.

Maggie0829 · February 2015

Knottie42959610 said:

Hello! So I am a newlywed (yay!). One of my BMs couldn't make it to the wedding bc she became pregnant and lives across the country so couldn't travel. Exciting time for both of us! I never "demoted" her or did anything of the sort, and in my mind she was always still a BM, even though she couldn't physically be there. I loved how we both were able to stay in touch with updates on her pregnancy and my wedding. I know she felt bad about not being able to make it because I was just in her wedding last year and really bent over backwards for her, and she made a point of saying to me how since she can't come to the wedding she is going to get me a "really fantastic gift" (IDK why she made a point of emphasizing this)...

However, when it came to all of my pre-wedding events, she basically went MIA. She DID chip in for my shower, but never sent me a gift (You might say the gift IS chipping in for the shower, but she got married just last year, and I both chipped in for the shower, PLUS got her a really nice gift). When it was the weekend of my Bach party, I spoke to her on the phone the day before and told her that it was that weekend. She said "Yes, that's right, it is this weekend!" then the next day was texting me pics of her baby while I was out celebrating (wtf?). When I told my other BMs I wanted to contact her to thank her for the weekend, they told me she didn't chip in or contribute at all. This upset me because 1. she was still a BM in my mind and 2. this put more of a burden financially on the other BMs. Not cool. So I mentioned this to her because I was a little hurt, and she fully admitted that she completely "dropped the ball..." ...I have been trying to be really understanding because she is going through an exciting and special time being a new mom. and I know everyone on here likes to freak out anytime you so much as express annoyance to a new mom.

However, I am also hurt because she got married just last year, and I was her BM and literally bent over backwards for her, whether it was driving 2 hours by myself to pick up her dress for her, to picking them up at the airport, to planning and paying for her bridal shower, to (additionally) getting her a really nice shower gift, to planning a fantastic Bach party weekend for her, to getting her a really nice wedding gift...not to mention getting her a really nice baby gift and christmas gift for her new baby....I did these things because I am her friend, wanted to be a good BM, and I was SO thrilled for her. I did not do them to expect "payback" when it was "my turn"....but honestly yes, it sucks and it does hurt, more than I want to admit. I should mention that I've been married 2 months and she hasn't so much as picked up the phone to call me to ask me how my wedding went (Yes, I understand this goes both ways, I could have picked up the phone to call her, but I do feel like I am the one who got married and she couldn't come, so she should reach out to me). She called me yesterday finally but I just am not sure at this point about the friendship and am questioning it.... I guess I just feel kind of hurt and confused. I am really trying to give her the benefit of the doubt but I am just not sure.

I am sorry but she did nothing to deserve such hurt feelings on your part.

She did not have to get you a shower gift. She did not have to contribute to your bach party which she did not even attend (now if she agreed to help with the other people then that is an issue that the others involved need to discuss with her, not you). The only thing that she is "required" to do as a BM is to buy the dress and show up on time for your wedding. But since she had a baby and was unable to travel she is most certainly exempt from that "requirement." Look as much as you say you did those things for her and her wedding because you are a friend and not because you expected anything in return, it is really hard to believe such a thing from your post.

Look your BM just had a baby, which is a huge adjustment and takes a lot of time and attention away from everyone else. So as excited as you were for your wedding and everything leading up to it, she was equally excited for her pregnancy and the birth of her baby. Her baby to her, trumps your wedding ever. single. time. And so what if she texted you a pic or two of her baby during your bach party. You are friends and she just wanted to share her new kid with you. I am sure those few pics didn't ruin you celebrating yourself did they?

I think what you need to do is get the heck over all of this. She has done nothing wrong. Just like you, she had a huge life changing event happen to her. So stop worrying about what she didn't do for you and just be happy for your friend, which I am sure she is happy for you.

redoryx · February 2015

Unless there was some conversations or pre-arrangement made where the BMs had all agreed in advance to pay for the party at an approved cost that met everyone's budget, she was under no obligation to chip in. And while it's great that you did all that for her, these sorts of things are not tit for tat.

Take a step back for just a second. You got married. You had a big party. She GAVE BIRTH TO A HUMAN CHILD that she is now responsible for for the rest of it's life. Babies trump Wedding. My friends often go -- as you say -- MIA after they first have a kid, which I completely understand and would never in a million years hold against them.

southernbelle0915 · February 2015

Confront that bitch. Tell her she owes you a shower gift (and it better be good) and that she needs to pony up cash for the bach. Who does she think she is?

For real though, you're pissed over a shower gift and bach contribution? This is one of your best friends. 20 years from now, will you be glad you spent time being pissy about this or will you be glad you let it go? Let it goooooo!

Knottie42959610 · February 2015

flantastic · February 2015

Knottie42959610 said:

"The only thing that she is "required" to do as a BM is to buy the dress and show up on time for your wedding."

I know that A LOT of people like to say this on here (pretty much everyone, actually), but I completely, 100% disagree. If a BM's ONLY job is to "just show up on time," then I am sorry, but they are kind of a shitty, lazy friend. There are other "duties" that come with the title of being a BM. If all they did was "just show up," then why even bother having BMs? What makes them any different from just another wedding guest?

They stand with you as you get married. You honor them as the people closest to you by having them physically closest to you when you get married. You're honoring them and your relationship. Honoring you is not their job.

Maggie0829 · February 2015

Knottie42959610 said:

"The only thing that she is "required" to do as a BM is to buy the dress and show up on time for your wedding."

I know that A LOT of people like to say this on here (pretty much everyone, actually), but I completely, 100% disagree. If a BM's ONLY job is to "just show up on time," then I am sorry, but they are kind of a shitty, lazy friend. There are other "duties" that come with the title of being a BM. If all they did was "just show up," then why even bother having BMs? What makes them any different from just another wedding guest?

Look, the point of a the Bridesmaid position is to HONOR your nearest and dearest. Let me repeat that. The point is to HONOR your nearest and dearest. In no way shape or form does this position mean that they must do things for you. If you want someone to do shit for you then hire a wedding planner.

Knottie42959610 · February 2015

plainjane0415 · February 2015

Knottie42959610 said:

"The only thing that she is "required" to do as a BM is to buy the dress and show up on time for your wedding."

I know that A LOT of people like to say this on here (pretty much everyone, actually), but I completely, 100% disagree. If a BM's ONLY job is to "just show up on time," then I am sorry, but they are kind of a shitty, lazy friend. There are other "duties" that come with the title of being a BM. If all they did was "just show up," then why even bother having BMs? What makes them any different from just another wedding guest?

Being a bridesmaid isn't a job. There are no duties, or responsibilities. You chose them as an honor because they are your closest friends. Treat them as such, not brideslaves, or free labor.

Maggie0829 · February 2015

Knottie42959610 said:

I never indicated at all that honoring me is anyone's job. It is just my opinion that being a BM means a little more than "just showing up". I am sorry that my opinion seems to differ from the majority of people's opinions on here. I fully understand and respect that people have other lives when you are planning a wedding. And I don't appreciate or think it's appropriate to say I am being "detestable" because I am admitting I feel hurt. I am allowed to feel hurt, and you can't change your feelings. Also, in my mind, she was always still a BM. Just because she couldn't come, doesn't mean she stopped being a BM, unless, of course, she told me that she had to step down (which she never did). I find it interesting because if I said that I "demoted" her or asked her not to be a BM anymore because she was pregnant, everyone on here would have freaked out at me. But she always was one in my mind.

You need to stop believing everything you see in wedding movies or on Pinterest.

plainjane0415 · February 2015

Ah... The DD... how I've missed you.

Maggie0829 · February 2015

Yeah and deleting your post was pointless since everything has been quoted. You basically are just opening your post up to even more people because the now "m" title is just a giant bat signal.

flantastic · February 2015

Knottie42959610 said:

I never indicated at all that honoring me is anyone's job. It is just my opinion that being a BM means a little more than "just showing up". I am sorry that my opinion seems to differ from the majority of people's opinions on here. I fully understand and respect that people have other lives when you are planning a wedding. And I don't appreciate or think it's appropriate to say I am being "detestable" because I am admitting I feel hurt. I am allowed to feel hurt, and you can't change your feelings. Also, in my mind, she was always still a BM. Just because she couldn't come, doesn't mean she stopped being a BM, unless, of course, she told me that she had to step down (which she never did). I find it interesting because if I said that I "demoted" her or asked her not to be a BM anymore because she was pregnant, everyone on here would have freaked out at me. But she always was one in my mind.

I said you were allowed to be disappointed, but you were not legitimately hurt by her. And the "extras" you're envisioning as duties are meant to honor you, so your expectation is that bridesmaids honor you. If a BM's only duty is to show up to the wedding, your BM stepped down when she told you she couldn't make it.

Deleting your post will have the opposite of the effect you're hoping for.

mikenberger · February 2015

I'm just here for the DD and thanks for quoting, Knotties!

Which your DD is about as successful as:

climbingsingle · February 2015

Your attitude towards your friends is really gross.

ohannabelle · February 2015

" However, I am also hurt because she got married just last year, and I was her BM and literally bent over backwards for her, whether it was driving 2 hours by myself to pick up her dress for her, to picking them up at the airport, to planning and paying for her bridal shower, to (additionally) getting her a really nice shower gift, to planning a fantastic Bach party weekend for her, to getting her a really nice wedding gift...not to mention getting her a really nice baby gift and christmas gift for her new baby....I "

Well. That changes everything. Let me check my list, and compare everything I've done for my best friend, and compare it to what she's done for me....hang on.....oh, I can't. Because I don't keep lists and expect identical reciprocation, because that isn't what being a friend is about.

Grow up, and quit whining, and get over yourself. That's the best advice I can possibly offer.

NowIAmSyp · February 2015

Dreamergirl8812 · February 2015

OP, if you come back, could you please post some pis of you literally bending over backwards. I would be so good in bed if I could do that.

Dreamergirl8812 · February 2015

scribe95 said:

This is OP's first and only post. Makes me wonder.

"I know you guyz totes look down on this but I'm sad that my new mom friend didn't buy me presents." Yeah, crossed my mind too.

southernbelle0915 · February 2015

You know what always makes things better?

thisismynickname2 · February 2015

Isn't she the gem who posted on the other thread that we're all married trolls and lazy asshole bridesmaids?

I can't keep KnottieNumbers straight.

Hey OP, you were to honor your friends. Expecting them to lavish you on your speschul day is unreasonable.

novella1186 · February 2015

Well damn... I have a BM who lives in Spain right now and won't be back till my wedding in May. I'm gonna call her ASAP and tell her that she better send me a check so that I can have a big fancy bach party on her dime, cuz it's her job, and the fact that she can't even attend is irrelevant. Also I'm really fucking hurt that she's not showering me with gifts. I better let her know.

slothiegal · February 2015

I know OP has already peaced out and I'm just preaching to the choir, but I'm extra ornery this morning and have to say this, in case OP ever comes back, or even for lurkers.

OP, you know WHY we all say that a BM has no obligations but to show up in her dress? Because this crazy idea of "duties" that is perpetuated by the wedding industry/TV/what have you, is harmful and hurtful.

My best friend is normally a very level headed, amazing, kickass woman. Mine was the first wedding she was in, and MOH no less. I remember her calling me at one point, just obviously worn out beyond belief, and sounding like she was dreading what she had to say. I asked her a couple times what was going on, she kept brushing me off, and finally, she dropped the bombshell:

"I just don't know how I'm going to plan a shower for you."

I sat, stunned. Finally I asked her what the fuck she was talking about. She told me she had been feeling so guilty the past couple of weeks as she was trying to figure out how she could arrange a shower for me, when I was living thousands of miles away, with friends and family spread out all over, and on top of that, she had just lost her job. And then she said what was the stupidest thing she's ever said (but I can't blame her for it, what with this attitude that's so prevalent everywhere we look):

"I am the worst MOH ever. I'm so sorry for letting you down."

I couldn't decided whether to smack some sense into her over the phone or burst into tears. (It turned out to be a little of column A, little of column B.) I was so upset that my best friend, one of the most important people in my life, had worked herself into such a tizzy because she thought she was "letting me down" in some way.

So when I read these posts about how "well, if they're such good friends, of COURSE they want to help out!", I grow livid. How dare you insinuate my Megan is not a "good friend" because she didn't throw me parties or anything of the sort. How dare you.

This is the woman who, after I disappeared from a lecture at college, came looking for me, to find me banging my head against a wall, whimpering, "make the pain stop" and dropped everything, to drive me to the hospital (migraines are a bitch, y'all). This is the woman who drove six hours in the middle of the night to be there in the morning after I called her after a bad breakup. She's let me live with her when I would've been living in my car, she's had my back when no on else did, she calls me out on my shit. That's what I base being a "good friend" on. Not a stupid fucking party.

My wedding was one day. I would've been batshit crazy to throw away 10+ years of friendship over one.fucking.day. 'cause guess what? After the last song played and the white dress came off, my wedding was over. My relationships with my loved ones, those are what remained. No fancy party is worth fucking with that.

novella1186 · February 2015

slothiegal fucking awesome post. Since I only got to hit "love it" once, just wanted to emphasize, love it.

kkcc2015 · February 2015

Came for the DD, was not disappointed.

And amen @slothiegal, my best friend (and MOH) lives across the country and there's no way she's able to travel and throw me a shower. If someone were to insinuate she was anything less than spectacular for that, I'd be super angry too. She's my maid of honor because I'm honoring what a badass friend she is/has been and I want to make sure SHE feels important.

climbingsingle · February 2015

You know, I've been keeping a list since I met my MOH in the 9th grade in 1994. It includes all the things I've done for her in the last 20 years. You know, that time in computer class that I lent her a pen. And in 11th grade when I gave her my notes from health class. And then all the times I picked her up before school. Oh - and the time I let her borrow $20. And the time I covered her shift when we worked together. Good thing she was a good MOH and planned me all the parties I wanted, and showed up to all my events. Otherwise I'd have to kick her ass to the curb.