Groom says no to Bride's maid choice

Farellemoon · February 2015

Hi!

My guy, Nate, has been extremely hands on with the wedding. It's a dream come true, actually, and it has proven to be a blessing. Today we had our first head-butting, though, over one of my choices for a bride's maid. I have a friend who is near, and dear to me who, yes, I don't always see eye to eye with, so we can be known to have a fight now and then. Honestly, we're both very passionate, artist type people, when we don't get along it's a bother, but when we do get along it's like she's the best thing in my life besides my guy.

In the past she has proven to have some major etiquette issues at parties, and is not known for being the most conducted person in the room. So, I get why Nate is so hesitant to let her into the wedding party. I told him that we can sit her down, confront her behavior, and work to better it. She's not the kind to blow her top at criticism, and honest feedback. I know she would want a spot in the line up badly, and I believe if we discussed things everything will be alright. Nate, though, well he just won't have it.

Has anyone ever run into this issue, or have any thoughts on how to handle this matter? I'm worried this is going to come down to the sheer fact I can't please everyone, and the Groom WILL come first. =/

aurianna · February 2015

1. Your bridesmaids/bridesmen (both the number of and the members) are completely your choice. His groomsmen/groomsmaids are completely his choice. You pick your side, he picks his.

2. If she acts up in parties, and if she was going to do it at your wedding, she'd do it even if she was just a guest. So I'm not sure how her being in the bridal party would make it any different?

3. I'm confused what you'd want to confront her about? Anything at all that comes across as "I love you, but I want you to change who you are and how you act for my speschul day" is gonna be bad....

Tell your man you want your nearest and dearest friend beside you when you become man and wife. Done. If he tries to deny you that, that's a fiance problem and not a bridesmaid problem.

redoryx · February 2015

You get to pick your side. He gets to pick his. Them's the rules, them's the breaks. If you really want her, he just has to deal with it.

MyNameIsNot · February 2015

Farellemoon said:

Hi!

My guy, Nate, has been extremely hands on with the wedding. It's a dream come true, actually, and it has proven to be a blessing. Today we had our first head-butting, though, over one of my choices for a bride's maid. I have a friend who is near, and dear to me who, yes, I don't always see eye to eye with, so we can be known to have a fight now and then. Honestly, we're both very passionate, artist type people, when we don't get along it's a bother, but when we do get along it's like she's the best thing in my life besides my guy.

In the past she has proven to have some major etiquette issues at parties, and is not known for being the most conducted person in the room. So, I get why Nate is so hesitant to let her into the wedding party. I told him that we can sit her down, confront her behavior, and work to better it. She's not the kind to blow her top at criticism, and honest feedback. I know she would want a spot in the line up badly, and I believe if we discussed things everything will be alright. Nate, though, well he just won't have it.

Has anyone ever run into this issue, or have any thoughts on how to handle this matter? I'm worried this is going to come down to the sheer fact I can't please everyone, and the Groom WILL come first. =/

Too bad for him. He gets 0 say in your side of the wedding party (and you in his). Tell him that this isn't his call.

Still, sitting her down and trying to coach her behavior is pretty unbelievable. She is who she is. If you feel like you would need to change her in order to have her as a BM, she shouldn't be a BM.

Not to mention that acting that way is incredibly condescending if not downright mean. If you would seriously do that to her, I've got to question whether you really consider her a friend at all.

Farellemoon · February 2015

She herself as admitted she has issues in public. Her drinking is one of those things. I don't think it's mean, or disrespectful to sit her down to have an honest talk about some things she has done in the past. Plus, helping her become better opens the dialogue to help me improve too. I mean, take this post for example - I come off terrible, as if I don't respect my friend the way she is, and as this post progressed we even discussed over skype some of the points you guys have brought up. She's happy for the feedback, and has given some points to myself.

It's not an intervention, which is what I worry I presented it as, it's more to just get the two to talk, and communicate.

Sorry about all that gals.

slothiegal · February 2015

Farellemoon said:

She herself as admitted she has issues in public. Her drinking is one of those things. I don't think it's mean, or disrespectful to sit her down to have an honest talk about some things she has done in the past. Plus, helping her become better opens the dialogue to help me improve too. I mean, take this post for example - I come off terrible, as if I don't respect my friend the way she is, and as this post progressed we even discussed over skype some of the points you guys have brought up. She's happy for the feedback, and has given some points to myself.

It's not an intervention, which is what I worry I presented it as, it's more to just get the two to talk, and communicate.

Sorry about all that gals.

I guess I'm kind of confused. My friends and I have gotten pretty drunk. We've done some pretty stupid shit. But all of us know better than to get shitfaced at each others' weddings and how to conduct ourselves properly when the time calls for it. My friends were able to dial it back a bit for my wedding, without need for conversation.

However, if you're this concern about her habits to the point you feel the need to sit her down and have a talk, it sounds like you need to be the wedding on the back burner for a minute and be there as a friend for her. I understand you don't want to go all "intervention" on her, and that may not be necessary at all, but at least approach it as, "hey friend, are things going OK with you?" as opposed to, "hey friend, get that shit locked down if you want to be in the wedding party".

ALL THAT ASIDE.....FI gets no say in your wedding party. It's absolutely none of his business.

Jen4948 · February 2015

Ultimately, it's not up to him who stands on your side, just as it's not up to you who stands on his side.

That said, if you do want this friend to be one of your bridesmaids, I think you are right that you have to accept her as she is. If you do want to encourage her to work on her issues, then do it without connecting it to being in your wedding party. You can have security available to appropriately deal with her if she gets out of hand at your wedding, but beyond that, you need to leave it alone.

southernbelle0915 · February 2015

Two things:

1) you pick whoever you want for your side. Nate can do the same. Neither of you have a say in the others' choices.

2) his person will not change for your wedding. A sit down talk will not work. Presumably she's an adult and has been this way for a long time. Your wedding won't change anything. So either take her as is, or don't.

levioosa · February 2015

1) Your FI cannot dictate who you have standing on your side. The people standing next to you should be you nearest and dearest. The only way your FI would have a right to say anything is if the person you would like to ask had abused or caused them harm. It doesn't sound like this is the case. He just doesn't like her. Good thing she's not standing on his side, then. He needs to get over it.

2) Absolutely do not sit her down and tell her how unsatisfactory she is. That is incredibly hurtful. If she has a legitimate drinking problem, then be her friend and take the wedding out of the equation. But it sounds like you only care about it because it affects your wedding.

3) Your comment about a "spot in the lineup" rubbed me the wrong way. This isn't a beauty contest. The people standing next to you are guests of honor. Treat them that way.

AddieCake · February 2015

Tell your fiancé he gets no say in your side of the WP, just as you get no say in his. If this girl's drinking concerns you so much, why have you not talked to her about it before, as a friend? Why only now, as a potential bridesmaid?

novella1186 · February 2015

Farellemoon said:

She herself as admitted she has issues in public. Her drinking is one of those things. I don't think it's mean, or disrespectful to sit her down to have an honest talk about some things she has done in the past. Plus, helping her become better opens the dialogue to help me improve too. I mean, take this post for example - I come off terrible, as if I don't respect my friend the way she is, and as this post progressed we even discussed over skype some of the points you guys have brought up. She's happy for the feedback, and has given some points to myself.

It's not an intervention, which is what I worry I presented it as, it's more to just get the two to talk, and communicate.

Sorry about all that gals.

If she knows and has said herself that she has issues, then why do you need to sit her down and tell her about the issues?

And what do things she has done in the past have to do with being a bridesmaid?

We've all done stupid shit. I used to be the queen of drinking too much, doing stupid shit, and making a fool of myself. While I was in the midst of that phase, I was a BM in my friend's wedding. I had one glass of wine the entire night and was totally low-key out of respect for the fact that it was a wedding (plus the wine sucked).

If one of my friends sat me down and picked apart every mistake I've ever made or every time in the past that I acted dumb, and said "Now here's all the things you've done wrong. This is unacceptable. If you want to make the cut and be my bridesmaid, you must improve yourself" I would tell her to go fuck herself and it would be the last conversation we ever have.

If her behavior is so out of control in your mind, don't invite her at all. And maybe help her get into rehab. If it's not that out of control, leave her alone. Wanting someone to change themselves for the sake of your wedding is like the ultimate bridezilla behavior.

levioosa · February 2015

novella1186 said:

If her behavior is so out of control in your mind, don't invite her at all. And maybe help her get into rehab. If it's not that out of control, leave her alone. Wanting someone to change themselves for the sake of your wedding is like the ultimate bridezilla behavior.

QFT

MGP · February 2015

levioosa said:

novella1186 said:

If her behavior is so out of control in your mind, don't invite her at all. And maybe help her get into rehab. If it's not that out of control, leave her alone. Wanting someone to change themselves for the sake of your wedding is like the ultimate bridezilla behavior.

QFT

LOVE. What makes brides think that people are going to want to change these things that haven't changed so far - just for someone else's wedding?? "You know I have wanted to quit drinking/lose weight/whatever for so long now and I never had the motivation to do something about it, but now that Susie is getting married I better change everything about who I am at the core just so I can make the cut and be in the lineup!" Said no one ever. . .

And the irony of the whole thing is that I can guarantee these brides aren't perfectly behaved supermodels themselves. I would love to see a bridesmaid sit a bride down and say she won't stand up with her unless she loses her arm fat, fixes her crooked teeth, and gets rid of her bad highlights.

katiekessler123 · February 2015

I don't agree with these replies. It seems like both your fiance AND you think this could potentially be a disaster. Sounds like your fiance is just being brave enough to actually tell you how he feels. I don't think he should have the final say, but I think you need to put some serious thought into this and include his feelings in your decision. I, personally, don't think you should ever outright ignore your fiance/husband's feelings about any subject, wedding included.

Blue_Bird · February 2015

katiekessler123 said:
I don't agree with these replies. It seems like both your fiance AND you think this could potentially be a disaster. Sounds like your fiance is just being brave enough to actually tell you how he feels. I don't think he should have the final say, but I think you need to put some serious thought into this and include his feelings in your decision. I, personally, don't think you should ever outright ignore your fiance/husband's feelings about any subject, wedding included.

Of course you shouldn't ignore your partner's feelings, but this issue is basically telling her who she can be friends with, for fear of potentially embarrassing behavior. It's controlling, and it's not o.k. If it was something regarding him actually being worried about the O.P. because of her behavior, I might buy it, but it's just about the wedding.

[Deleted User] · February 2015

Honestly, based on what you said, I probably wouldn't ask her to be in my wedding party because she has a history of being out of line especially when drinking based on what you've said. Do you really think that sitting her down and having a talk with her is going to get her to not drink or limit her drinking on your wedding day? I know at my wedding we started with momosas at 9:00 AM and we're drinking lightly through the day & come the reception I know several of the bridal party did drink too much, but I know I didn't have to worry about their drunk behavior. Once someone is drunk, how they said they would behave while sober, totally goes out the window. That aside, if she doesn't agree with the wedding colors, the style of dress that is selected for the BM or anything else, what kind of drama and stress is that going to bring to your life. For me, picking my BM was about who was important to me, but also wouldn't add any stress or drama to my life and the wedding planning. Do you feel like you would have to babysit her at any wedding functions like a shower, bachlorette party or even during your wedding to make sure that she doesn't get out of control? Yes, not asking her to be a BM could hurt her feelings, but when it comes down to it, if she's going to make this once in a lifetime experience possibly miserable for you, then don't ask her. Because once you ask her, you can't un-ask her if she acts up during an event unless you want to end your friendship with her forever. I vote for skip her as a BM, maybe have her as a reader & save the friendship.

flantastic · February 2015

scribe95 said:
I have a slightly different take in that I still think the overall wedding party should be acceptable to both the groom and bride. I don't agree with the his side/my side thing. To me it should represent the couple as a whole and both of you should be comfortable with it. Marriage is about compromise after all.

So in theory, for instance, if a bride told her fiance she wanted her ex-boyfriend in the party I believe the fiance should get to object.

Having said that, I don't see a real reason to object in this particular case. It doesn't seem like she does anything crazy or illegal etc. I think your fiance is overreacting. But I also wouldn't sit her down and have any kind of a talk. Either she is close enough to you to have her as a bridesmaid as is or she isn't. I don't think there are special rules on behavior for your wedding.

As you say, there should be a real reason to object. But as with a whole lot of WP drama, the reason has nothing to do with the wedding. If a groom is objecting to an ex-BF on his bride's side, he's insecure about the closeness of their relationship. That has nothing to do with the WP. When this guy is objecting to this friend, he has a problem with the bride's friendship. These are separate issues from the WP itself.
If the couple has no problem with/no desire to control the other's relationships, this issue should never come up.

MGP · February 2015

scribe95 said:

I don't think there are special rules on behavior for your wedding.

There are very specific and super special behavior rules for Bridezilla weddings. As well as strict appearance change timelines so people can fix all of their physical flaws before someone else's special day. Shouldn't you already know these things?

esstee33 · February 2015

If I were a BM in my friend's wedding and she sat me down to list all my past bad behavior and gave me suggestions for how I could act better for her wedding, I would be incredibly hurt and it would be friendship-ending. Fuck everything about that.

What on earth makes some brides think that getting married gives them carte blanche to control their friends like they are the bride's own personal set of puppets?

thisismynickname2 · February 2015

Someone my husband asked to be in our wedding is a known coke user and an obnoxious "I love you man" type of drunk. Did I have a single thought of asking him not to be in our wedding? No, because this man is like a brother to my husband. My husband wanted him there.

I can't see a guy caring so much about his wife's choice of bridesmaid unless he slept with said bridesmaid at some point.

delujm0 · February 2015

Farellemoon said:

She herself as admitted she has issues in public. Her drinking is one of those things. I don't think it's mean, or disrespectful to sit her down to have an honest talk about some things she has done in the past. Plus, helping her become better opens the dialogue to help me improve too. I mean, take this post for example - I come off terrible, as if I don't respect my friend the way she is, and as this post progressed we even discussed over skype some of the points you guys have brought up. She's happy for the feedback, and has given some points to myself.

It's not an intervention, which is what I worry I presented it as, it's more to just get the two to talk, and communicate.

Sorry about all that gals.

******************quote box fail*************

I understand your point, i really do...but i do not get why it would be different to have her in the wedding party versus having her as a guest. Even as a guest she'll have access to booze and get just as drunk and cause the same scene as she would if she was in a dress that you picked out for her.

The wedding party is important for the ceremony. At the reception, they are the same as the rest of the guests. So unless your FI thinks this girl is going to be drunk at the ceremony and make a scene while you are physically getting married, i don't understand his objection. If he was telling you he didn't want her there at all that would make more sense to me than what he is suggesting.

mikenberger · February 2015

Maybe you should have a conversation about her drinking problem and not about how her drinking effects your wedding.

Perhaps the bigger picture needs to be put into focus here and not your wedding.

rcher912 · February 2015

My FI has had some issues with people I've known over the years - it happens, not everyone gets along, and sometimes things that don't bother me too much bother him immensely. That said, though, as we've gotten more serious, I've drifted apart from these people, as they aren't people FI and I can both hang out with.

FI can't dictate who is and isn't in the WP, so you're going to have to create that boundary. But I would reflect and make sure you understand his concerns (and not just the literal concerns, but where they're coming from - is he afraid this person is embarrassing? Out of control? A bad influence on you and others? Some are valid, some are not.)

What I will say is that you and FI need to talk, because this is a relationship issue, not a friend issue. You know who your friend is and what she's like.

flantastic · February 2015

delujm0 said:

Farellemoon said:

She herself as admitted she has issues in public. Her drinking is one of those things. I don't think it's mean, or disrespectful to sit her down to have an honest talk about some things she has done in the past. Plus, helping her become better opens the dialogue to help me improve too. I mean, take this post for example - I come off terrible, as if I don't respect my friend the way she is, and as this post progressed we even discussed over skype some of the points you guys have brought up. She's happy for the feedback, and has given some points to myself.

It's not an intervention, which is what I worry I presented it as, it's more to just get the two to talk, and communicate.

Sorry about all that gals.

******************quote box fail*************

I understand your point, i really do...but i do not get why it would be different to have her in the wedding party versus having her as a guest. Even as a guest she'll have access to booze and get just as drunk and cause the same scene as she would if she was in a dress that you picked out for her.

The wedding party is important for the ceremony. At the reception, they are the same as the rest of the guests. So unless your FI thinks this girl is going to be drunk at the ceremony and make a scene while you are physically getting married, i don't understand his objection. If he was telling you he didn't want her there at all that would make more sense to me than what he is suggesting.

Yep. Your FI's reasoning makes no sense, in addition to it being not his business.

Groom says no to Bride's maid choice

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