Frienemy

Knottie06211334 · February 2015

First a little background- I had a pretty good friend and she didn't really agree with the guy I was kind of dating at the time( spring of 2013), he showed up at the same bar as us (some of his friends were there too) after my graduation. She stormed out, didn't talk to me for months and cut me out of our friend group. Well about 5 months later we started to rebuild and move on from the drama, then I started dating my fiancé. I moved away to join my fiancé where he worked and left my college town and friends behind April of 2014. Everything was going great, until I got engaged. This "friend" of mine just kind of assumed she'd be a bridesmaid, I wasn't going to make her one because of the drama before and cutting me off from our friend group, but I definitely wanted her there and was even trying to find a special little thing for her to do at the wedding. My MOH and fiancé agreed with me. Well once the girl figured out she wasn't one, she's been talking about me behind my back for about 2 or 3 months now and apparently she's planning on being pretty open at the wedding about making fun of me and talking about me. We've already sent out Save the Dates, but my fiancé and I really don't want her there since she's done this kind of thing to me twice now. What do I do? Do I talk to her and hope she calms down before the wedding, which is in September or do I just go ahead and uninvite her? I'm pretty upset about the whole thing.

OliveOilsMom · February 2015

Knottie06211334 said:

First a little background- I had a pretty good friend and she didn't really agree with the guy I was kind of dating at the time( spring of 2013), he showed up at the same bar as us (some of his friends were there too) after my graduation. She stormed out, didn't talk to me for months and cut me out of our friend group. Well about 5 months later we started to rebuild and move on from the drama, then I started dating my fiancé. I moved away to join my fiancé where he worked and left my college town and friends behind April of 2014. Everything was going great, until I got engaged. This "friend" of mine just kind of assumed she'd be a bridesmaid, I wasn't going to make her one because of the drama before and cutting me off from our friend group, but I definitely wanted her there and was even trying to find a special little thing for her to do at the wedding. My MOH and fiancé agreed with me. Well once the girl figured out she wasn't one, she's been talking about me behind my back for about 2 or 3 months now and apparently she's planning on being pretty open at the wedding about making fun of me and talking about me. We've already sent out Save the Dates, but my fiancé and I really don't want her there since she's done this kind of thing to me twice now. What do I do? Do I talk to her and hope she calms down before the wedding, which is in September or do I just go ahead and uninvite her? I'm pretty upset about the whole thing.

If you sent someone a STD, it is very rude to not invite them to the actual wedding. However, you seem to not want to be friends with this girl any longer. If you want to end the friendship, the invitation to the wedding should also naturally not follow.

So call up this girl and say, "Frienemy, I feel like our lives have gone in different directions. I'm sorry to say that I no longer want to continue a friendship with you. I wish you nothing but the best." Keep calm and don't engage any of the why questions this girl may have. Just keep repeating that you are ending the friendship.

kao2015 · February 2015

I definitely wouldn't uninvite her, unless you're prepared for this friendship to be ended because of it (and even then it's still a rude thing to do). I would suggest talking to her about this issue and trying to alleviate some of the tension. September is a long way away, so hopefully she calms down before the wedding. Even if she doesn't--she'll be the one who looks bad for being petty and mean. You'll have more important, happier things to focus on.

I would generally caution against asking her to do something else at the wedding though, especially at this point. It's going to look like a consolation prize since you didn't want her to be a bridesmaid.

novella1186 · February 2015

This girl sounds really dramatic and her behavior is really petty and immature. I had a couple friends like this, and when I graduated college and started to establish my adult life in the "real world," I had to step back and reevaluate whether it was worth continuing friendships with these girls, when it seemed to be a lot of work and a lot of drama and bullshit. I ended up cutting them out of my life entirely after nearly a decade of trying so hard to make the friendships work, and it was a really good decision. I never looked back, all the drama left my life, and I valued my real friends even more.

I say all this because you sound like you're at that point in your life; you haven't been out of college for long and you're getting established and trying to work out real friendships vs college friendships (I'm guessing, I could be totally wrong).

While it's very rude to un-invite someone, I'm going to say the unpopular opinion here; take some time to reevaluate your relationship with this girl and decide whether or not you want one anymore. If you realize she's just the type of person who is toxic to you, cut her out, don't invite her, and move on with your life. Enjoy the peace that will follow. If you're not ready to make such a drastic move or you do want to keep the friendship, you're going to have to invite her. Maybe have a heart-to-heart chat -- wedding aside-- and hash out whatever the issues are so the two of you can clear the air and she won't be harboring this bizarre grudge where she feels the need to bad-mouth you at your own wedding. (And if she does this, she will be the one looking like an immature asshole)

downtondiva · February 2015

This is why I'm generally not a big believer in save-the-dates. Plans, circumstances, and relationships can change a lot in even just a few months, and once you've sent someone a save-the-date, you're usually stuck.

You sound pretty anxious to end this friendship, but I'm not sure uninviting her and/or outright ending the friendship is the way to go. It might just cause you more drama and stress. So I'd say, for now anyway, plan on inviting her. If she does attend and acts like a jerk and makes fun of you, she's a lot more likely to come off badly to the other guests than you are. After the wedding, if you still feel it's necessary to end the friendship outright, go ahead and do it. You may find it easier without the question of a wedding invite attached to it.

climbingsingle · February 2015

Lord, this is some high school drama. If you no longer wish to be friends with this girl, then don't invite her. It's really that simple.

SP29 · February 2015

Yes, you can un-invite her, but it would be a friendship ending move. Which it sounds like it might be time for.... I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who talked shit about me- particularly one who is making PLANS to talk shit about me.

I like the wording of @OliveOilsMom

If you do invite her, don't ask her to do something "special" at the wedding. She obviously isn't your nearest and dearest and it does look like a consolation prize. You can ask anyone or no one at all to be part of your bridal party- don't feel guilty for what you chose, own it.

P.S. For lurkers- STDs are for your VIPs- people you 100% know you will invite to your wedding. If you send a STD you are required to send an invitation, unless of course you are prepared to end the friendship/relationship.

AddieCake · February 2015

I probably wouldn't invite her. It's obvious you are not friends.

levioosa · February 2015

SP29 said:

Yes, you can un-invite her, but it would be a friendship ending move. Which it sounds like it might be time for.... I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who talked shit about me- particularly one who is making PLANS to talk shit about me.

I like the wording of @OliveOilsMom

If you do invite her, don't ask her to do something "special" at the wedding. She obviously isn't your nearest and dearest and it does look like a consolation prize. You can ask anyone or no one at all to be part of your bridal party- don't feel guilty for what you chose, own it.

P.S. For lurkers- STDs are for your VIPs- people you 100% know you will invite to your wedding. If you send a STD you are required to send an invitation, unless of course you are prepared to end the friendship/relationship.

^THIS

And everything @novella1186 said. Are you truly interested in maintaining a friendship with this girl?

Knottie67053264 · February 2015

I realize that a STD has been sent, but this does not sound like a person you need in your life or at your wedding. I would not invite her-but I would make sure that you aren't getting some sort of weird second hand nonsense about her trash talking you. Would having a face to face conversation with her clear things up? And not an email/texting communication. Someone needs to grow up beyond 2nd grade.

ohannabelle · February 2015

AddieCake said:

I probably wouldn't invite her. It's obvious you are not friends.

Exactly this. When you put ironic quotation marks around the word "friend," you're not talking about a friend.

It's obvious that you don't like her, she obviously doesn't like or respect you.

End the already over friendship.

[Deleted User] · February 2015

I wouldn't send her an invite and I might actually go as far to contact her to tell her that you know you've sent her a Save the Date but some of the things that she's said and her plans for your wedding have gotten back to you and you don't appreciate what she is doing and not to look for the invite in the mail. It sounds like you're tried to repair the friendship and her childish behavior and gave her a second chance. Now she is acting like a child again and running her mouth and you sound like you are past this & don't care to have her as a friend anymore. So by uninviting her, you'll finally be free of her. She will probably still talk smack about you, but that's on her.

badbnagdway · February 2015

Erikan73 said:

I wouldn't send her an invite and I might actually go as far to contact her to tell her that you know you've sent her a Save the Date but some of the things that she's said and her plans for your wedding have gotten back to you and you don't appreciate what she is doing and not to look for the invite in the mail. It sounds like you're tried to repair the friendship and her childish behavior and gave her a second chance. Now she is acting like a child again and running her mouth and you sound like you are past this & don't care to have her as a friend anymore. So by uninviting her, you'll finally be free of her. She will probably still talk smack about you, but that's on her.

Yeah, honestly, if she is causing problems and the OP is ready to end the friendship, I would say just woman-up and do so. I recommend ending the friendship directly rather than not inviting her and ending the friendship that way. End the friendship and it will be natural that she is not invited.

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