XP - Calming MOG over Men's Attire

lovemesomemonster · February 2015

I know the fathers are not part of the wedding party and I by no means want to dictate what they need to wear. The wedding is still far away and I'm not even thinking about it but a talk with FIs mom brought up this question. We are getting married at a historic ski lodge in the winter at night, the girls will be in floor length dresses and the boys will all be in suits. My family loves getting dressed up for weddings, my mom is really looking forward to shopping for her dress and she has already said she will be putting dad in a suit. FI's family is much more casual with weddings, I don't think I have ever seen his dad dressed up more than his "nice" wranglers and a polo. His mom asked me what my dad was wearing and I told her a suit just thinking that was normal and I could hear the distress in her voice when she said "it's hard to get my boys to dress up". I'm not sure what to really tell her to make her feel better, it will be a little more formal, at night, in the winter and my family will all be dressed in their best knowing them. I don't want to tell her what to "make" him wear but I'm worried she will feel uncomfortable when the wranglers and polo look so out of place compared to the rest of the people in pictures.. I don't expect a suit and I by no means want to dictate what any of the dad's wear, I could just hear how stressed that made her feel when I said my dad would be in a suit and I'm not sure how to make her feel better.. Should I just have FI broach the topic with the men in his family?

hellohkb · February 2015

What does your FI think? Personally, I wouldn't say anything. Let your ILs wear what they feel comfortable with.

lovemesomemonster · February 2015

hellohkb said:

What does your FI think? Personally, I wouldn't say anything. Let your ILs wear what they feel comfortable with.

That is what I want them to do, there is no bone in my body that wants to tell anyone how to dress, I just felt bad because she seemed very distressed that my dad was going to wear a suit and she knows it will be hard to get her husband into one. I didn't tell her I was going to make him wear anything in particular, just that that is what he's going to wear.. I just don't know if I should say something about "don't worry about what the FOG wants to wear" or leave it alone? I want her to believe me when I say I don't care.. I don't want her to feel uncomfortable when my side of the family is super dressed up compared to hers because really I DON'T CARE.

OliveOilsMom · February 2015

I would just re-assure her that you don't care what they wear, you just want them to be comfortable. It will be up to them to dress how they please. Is this the first wedding in FI's family? FOG may decide he wants to wear something more formal because it is a wedding. But either way, don't push them into wearing something they don't want to.

And old poster on this board once posted a pic of her FIL at her wedding. He wore his jean overalls, which is what he typically wears. It was "him" and the picture looks great because you can see how comfortable FIL is.

lovemesomemonster · February 2015

OliveOilsMom said:

I would just re-assure her that you don't care what they wear, you just want them to be comfortable. It will be up to them to dress how they please. Is this the first wedding in FI's family? FOG may decide he wants to wear something more formal because it is a wedding. But either way, don't push them into wearing something they don't want to.

And old poster on this board once posted a pic of her FIL at her wedding. He wore his jean overalls, which is what he typically wears. It was "him" and the picture looks great because you can see how comfortable FIL is.

FI will actually be the third kid to get married for him.. at his sister's wedding his dad did wear a button up and slacks so I'm not sure why FMIL is stressing about it? I think she just heard the word "suit" and was worried that he wouldn't be dressed up enough.. in reality I don't care at all but I'm not sure she believed me when I said that. Love this post about FIL wearing his overalls, it's his personality!

beachyone15 · February 2015

I think it's good that you had the conversation. Now she at least knows how your family plans to dress and it's up to FI's family if they'd like to "follow suit".

...I know, I know. That was bad.

SBmini · February 2015

I think it is good to set expectations. No one wants to feel under or over dressed at events. It can be an uncomfortable experience. You aren't dictating what they wear, you are just letting them know what they can expect from the other side. It can help make everyone feel more comfortable.

labro · February 2015

SBmini said:

I think it is good to set expectations. No one wants to feel under or over dressed at events. It can be an uncomfortable experience. You aren't dictating what they wear, you are just letting them know what they can expect from the other side. It can help make everyone feel more comfortable.

I agree with all of this. My MIL wanted to know what my mom was planning to wear so she could find a dress in a similar level of formality. I also had multiple people from FI's family call me or my mom asking "What are the bridesmaids wearing? What are the moms wearing?", etc. They wanted to know colors, length, all of that, and while I wasn't trying to dictate anyone's style of dress they were clearing digging for the information so they wouldn't come dressed in a way that made them feel out of place. I wouldn't be too worried about it, you handled it just fine.

princessleia22 · February 2015

My family over stressed on clothing also. Our wedding was formal, but not super formal. DH and GM wore navy blue suits. I told my dad that he could wear any suit he wanted or whatever he already had. He wasn't standing up with the guys, so it didn't matter if he matched (it wouldn't matter to me even if he were standing up there). But, he insisted that he HAD to wear exact same as groomsmen. So, he bought a brand new navy suit, which he will likely never wear again.

One of the groomsmen was DH's 11-year-old nephew. They didn't make suits in his size that exactly matched the other groomsmen. MIL freaked out searching for a 2-button navy blue suit, but could only find 3-button suits in his size. Like, she was in full on panic mode... over a button.

FIL sounds similar to your FFIL. I had never seen him dressed up and I would expect khakis and polo is the move dressed he usually gets. I told them that would be perfectly fine. But, she wrangled him into a suit coat and tie for the wedding. Yes, he may have been underdressed compare to our immediate family, who did dress up more, but our other guests were in a wide array or attire, with most being khakis, a nice shirt, with or without a suit coat. I think FIL was the only non-wedding party member wearing a tie. Most of the women wore what I would call casual dresses. Dressed up but not really formal. FIL would have been MUCH more comfortable without a jacket and tie and would have looked just fine. Hell, it wouldn't have ruined my day if he showed up in blue jeans either.

But, I definitely understand having family panicking over attire. I would point out to MIL that yes, your dad is wearing a suit, but he's also walking you down the aisle and doing a spotlight dance (assuming that he actually is, of course), so he's kind of borderline to being IN the wedding (this was my dad's theory of why he HAD to match the groomsmen). FFIL, although no less valuable, will be sitting through the ceremony and not actually a visual part of the ceremony, so he is welcome to dress slightly less formal if he would prefer that.

penguin44 · February 2015

labro said:

SBmini said:

I think it is good to set expectations. No one wants to feel under or over dressed at events. It can be an uncomfortable experience. You aren't dictating what they wear, you are just letting them know what they can expect from the other side. It can help make everyone feel more comfortable.
I agree with all of this. My MIL wanted to know what my mom was planning to wear so she could find a dress in a similar level of formality. I also had multiple people from FI's family call me or my mom asking "What are the bridesmaids wearing? What are the moms wearing?", etc. They wanted to know colors, length, all of that, and while I wasn't trying to dictate anyone's style of dress they were clearing digging for the information so they wouldn't come dressed in a way that made them feel out of place. I wouldn't be too worried about it, you handled it just fine.

Yep. The grandmothers really wanted to match the color scheme. I think everyone just wants to be comfortable.

amelisha · February 2015

I said this on your other thread, and I know it might not be a popular opinion, but here it is.

I honestly don't think this is something you need to worry about. He's an adult. If he is aware that other people will be in suits, then it is 100% his decision how he would like to proceed, and if he feels comfortable dressed casually, then that is not going to affect your day in any way. The important thing is that he is happy and the best way to make sure he's happy is to let him make his own informed choice.

At my wedding, FI's dad is going to be in a suit, and my dad will be in khaki shorts and probably a Hawaiian shirt. That's who they are and that's how they're both most comfortable. My dad would be miserable if someone took his white Sketchers away from him and I have said over and over that I want him to wear what makes him happy. He'd wear a suit for me if I asked but I know he wouldn't like it, and I really don't want him to be uncomfortable all day.

[Deleted User] · February 2015

I understand the conundrum here. My mom asked me what she and my dad should wear and what my ILs were wearing. I know she asked because she is worried about embarrassing me by not dressing up.

I was able to be blunt and basically say, show up in what you want; you're 50-something, not 5, so I'm not dressing you. I did tell her I think most people will not be in jeans but that my FFIL probably will be. And we don't care. We just want them there- sounds the same for you.

Good luck! @amelisha‌ has good advice.

XP - Calming MOG over Men's Attire

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