Wedding Vows & Ceremony Discussions

Memorial during ceremony help!

My fiance's brother passed away about 15 years ago and he would like to do something to honor him during the ceremony. Especially because we have something honoring my grandpa who has passed (my grandma is reading 1 Corinthians, something my grandpa has done for all my cousins ceremonies). We want something that kind of recognizes his brother and that fact that he isn't able to stand up with him on his wedding day without putting, for lack of a better word "damper" on the ceremony but also still honoring him. We're having a hard time figuring out what do and would very much appreciate ideas!! Thank you!!

Re: Memorial during ceremony help!

  • mikenbergermikenberger In a f'n cornfield member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    slm86 said:
    My fiance's brother passed away about 15 years ago and he would like to do something to honor him during the ceremony. Especially because we have something honoring my grandpa who has passed (my grandma is reading 1 Corinthians, something my grandpa has done for all my cousins ceremonies). We want something that kind of recognizes his brother and that fact that he isn't able to stand up with him on his wedding day without putting, for lack of a better word "damper" on the ceremony but also still honoring him. We're having a hard time figuring out what do and would very much appreciate ideas!! Thank you!!
    A lot of times people have like a favorite food or color or flower of the deceased. 

    image
  • What about putting charms/lockets with photos on your bouquet of ones you want to remember

    fitvegancharcoalandblushAmyeho
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Please don't do anything showy, like an empty chair, or an announcement.  A wedding is not the time to dredge up painful memories.  You can still honor him by doing something small, like having his picture in a locket, or, if you are Catholic, including them in prayers. 

    An obvious display will make many people uncomfortable.  For others, it may be an unwelcome reminder of their grief (not what you want on such a joyful occasion).  We have had several posters here who were blind-sided by memorial type displays of loved ones at a wedding.  It was extremely disturbing for them, and their grief very much impacted everyone else around them. 

    I am very sorry for your loss, but acknowledge your FI's brother in small and inconspicuous ways.  I promise he will be honored just the same. 


    image
    doeydo
  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya mod
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its
    I agree with PPs. The best way to do this is quietly. Maybe your FI can wear his favorite color or even a tie that was his brother's. Have a second reading that reminds your FI of his brother but don't announce the reason for it. 
    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
  • My fiancé's father passed away about 6 months before our wedding.  We had a table of photos at our wedding like grandparents that have passed away etc, and we put his photo among them.  I thought that it was nice, but not over the top to the point of making people uncomfortable.
    fitvegan
  • Also, I should add that he was 8 when he passed and it was 1996 so I never knew him, this is just something my fiance would like to do because it's been really hard on him knowing that he should be up there with him and he's not. He didn't really deal with his death until he was adult. That said, we also don't have many "things" of his to wear/use for the ceremony :/ but I definitely agree to not do anything showy, it's what we're really trying to avoid. My FI just wants something to recognize him and almost make him a part of our day just has his living brother is a part of our day if that makes sense. I do like the idea of putting a table at our reception up though!
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers

    My fiancé's father passed away about 6 months before our wedding.  We had a table of photos at our wedding like grandparents that have passed away etc, and we put his photo among them.  I thought that it was nice, but not over the top to the point of making people uncomfortable.

    I think a table dedicated to photos of deceased loved ones is a big, showy gesture that will evoke grief, loss, and sadness for those who mourn them and make those who don't (who may not even have known them) uncomfortable. But if there are a mix of pictures of both living and deceased relatives, that's more subtle and less in-your-face, and less likely to evoke negative emotions at your wedding. OP, if you want to do a table of photos, I'd look for photos from both sides of your families, not just photos of your and your FI's deceased loved ones, and include photos of living as well as deceased relatives in the mix.
    levioosaDreamergirl8812[Deleted User]ashley8918
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    FIL has been passed 8 years by the time we married.  I gave MIL all the options I've heard of on here.  She knew that sitting next to an empty chair or next to a flower would have been too much.  So with that cue, we played things very simply.  We had a Catholic ceremony, so he was prayed for during the Prayers of the Faithful, there was a mention of him and our grandparents in the program, and we had a bouquet of flowers that represented our grandparents and FIL.  The flowers had no message on them, but H & I knew who those flowers represented. 

    At our reception we also had pictures of our parents and granparents at their weddings too.  I just don't know how you are going to have a picture of your FI's brother without there being sadness.  If you can just have lots of family photos out, with a mix of people I think that will be the way to do it. 

    We even went the extra step of putting certain well known love songs on our Do Not Play list, so that we didn't upset MIL.  Certain things can bring back such painful memories, that is why subtly remembering people is the way to go.

    Lastly, a few days before the wedding H & I went to visit FIL's grave.  It was a tough and emotional time, but I think H felt "better" about his dad not being at the wedding after the visit.  This isn't something that would work for everyone though.

    fitvegan
  • edited February 2015
    Jen4948- My husband was still very grief stricken over his father's death, which happened a mere 6 months before we got married.  If he wanted his father's photo displayed at our wedding, there is not way I would EVER have argued with him about it.  When something like that happens to someone you love, all you do is support them.  
    momofbride530fitvegan
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited February 2015

    Jen4948- My husband was still very grief stricken over his father's death, which happened a mere 6 months before we got married.  If he wanted his father's photo displayed at our wedding, there is not way I would EVER have argued with him about it.  When something like that happens to someone you love, all you do is support them.  

    Sorry, but I disagree.

    As I noted above, weddings, however fresh one's grief may be, are not memorial services for the dead, and any memorial gestures at a wedding need to be subtle and not in-your-face-not only for the guests, but also the couple. If the ones in mourning can't do that, then the appropriate thing to do is to postpone the wedding until they can, not force their grief and loss onto everyone else. Weddings are supposed to be happy occasions.
    ohannabelle
  • You don't have the right to disagree unless you've been in that situation.  I hope you never will be.
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited February 2015


    You don't have the right to disagree unless you've been in that situation.  I hope you never will be.

    Since when? We often present differing opinions on these boards. It's called discussion. Plus, how do you know Jen4948 hasn't been in this situation?

    Your fi lost his father. I'm sorry for his loss. It must be especially painful that this occurred so close to your wedding date. But his father was also someone's son, brother, husband, cousin, uncle or dear friend. For that reason the memorial should be discreet and dignified and keeping with the religious norms of the family. You wouldn't want someone to unexpectedly be confronted by their grief at what they expect to be a happy occasion.


                       
    Blue_Bird[Deleted User]
  • Does he have anything that belonged to his brother? Or maybe just something small that would remind him of him? It could be discreetly incorporated into his boutonniere (if he has one) or he could otherwise keep it on his person.
    fitvegan
  • Jen4948 said:
    Jen4948- My husband was still very grief stricken over his father's death, which happened a mere 6 months before we got married.  If he wanted his father's photo displayed at our wedding, there is not way I would EVER have argued with him about it.  When something like that happens to someone you love, all you do is support them.  
    Sorry, but I disagree. As I noted above, weddings, however fresh one's grief may be, are not memorial services for the dead, and any memorial gestures at a wedding need to be subtle and not in-your-face-not only for the guests, but also the couple. If the ones in mourning can't do that, then the appropriate thing to do is to postpone the wedding until they can, not force their grief and loss onto everyone else. Weddings are supposed to be happy occasions.
    THIS. 

    My sister passed away over a year ago from cancer at age 28. Very tragic for my family. I had a friend ask if we were going to do the picture on a table thing at our wedding and I said absolutely not. Most of FI's family/guests have no clue how she died, or even that she died. Do you think my parents want to be the topic of whispers about who, what, when, how, and OH THATS JUST SO SAD on the day that one of their other daughters is getting married?? 

    You can't be selfish and think the memorial touch just effects you. Memorialize them on your own time, not on a day that is supposed to be so happy.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    [Deleted User]ShesSoCold
  • FI and I are having a memorial table at the ceremony that will be moved inside for the reception. We will have a few candles and pictures to represent our loved ones. We thought this was a good way honor and represent the loved ones that couldn't be there without making it too sad. This was also helpful to me seeing as my dad passed  year ago I will already but very emotional that day without adding a very somber tribute to him. 
    fitvegan
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Psych819 said:

    FI and I are having a memorial table at the ceremony that will be moved inside for the reception. We will have a few candles and pictures to represent our loved ones. We thought this was a good way honor and represent the loved ones that couldn't be there without making it too sad. This was also helpful to me seeing as my dad passed  year ago I will already but very emotional that day without adding a very somber tribute to him. 

    Even a table of photos of only deceased persons can seem very somber. I'd consider also including photos of living persons as well to take away some of the pain and grief associated with the photos of the deceased.
  • Jen4948 said:

    Psych819 said:

    FI and I are having a memorial table at the ceremony that will be moved inside for the reception. We will have a few candles and pictures to represent our loved ones. We thought this was a good way honor and represent the loved ones that couldn't be there without making it too sad. This was also helpful to me seeing as my dad passed  year ago I will already but very emotional that day without adding a very somber tribute to him. 

    Even a table of photos of only deceased persons can seem very somber. I'd consider also including photos of living persons as well to take away some of the pain and grief associated with the photos of the deceased.
    My sister had a DW, so she had a table with photos of people who weren't there, both living and not.  A picture of her dog who was home, a picture of our deceased grandmother and aunt, a picture of the groom's grandmother who couldn't travel from Arizona, a picture of our grandparents who couldn't travel from Minnesota.  Also mixed in where some of their engagement photos, the guest book, and the escort cards and candles.

    As far as a reminder of the 8 year old brother, what about toys?  If the kid liked legos, maybe lego cufflinks.  If the kid was totally into batman, maybe a batman pin on the groom's boutannierre.  Or if the kid's favorite food was mac-n-cheese, serving it as an appetizer or side dish at the reception.  It's a nice subtle reminder of a brother who couldn't be there, but doesn't cause people to stand back and ask questions that might be painful to other guests.
    ashley8918ShesSoCold
  • adk19 said:

    Jen4948 said:

    Psych819 said:

    FI and I are having a memorial table at the ceremony that will be moved inside for the reception. We will have a few candles and pictures to represent our loved ones. We thought this was a good way honor and represent the loved ones that couldn't be there without making it too sad. This was also helpful to me seeing as my dad passed  year ago I will already but very emotional that day without adding a very somber tribute to him. 

    Even a table of photos of only deceased persons can seem very somber. I'd consider also including photos of living persons as well to take away some of the pain and grief associated with the photos of the deceased.
    My sister had a DW, so she had a table with photos of people who weren't there, both living and not.  A picture of her dog who was home, a picture of our deceased grandmother and aunt, a picture of the groom's grandmother who couldn't travel from Arizona, a picture of our grandparents who couldn't travel from Minnesota.  Also mixed in where some of their engagement photos, the guest book, and the escort cards and candles.

    As far as a reminder of the 8 year old brother, what about toys?  If the kid liked legos, maybe lego cufflinks.  If the kid was totally into batman, maybe a batman pin on the groom's boutannierre.  Or if the kid's favorite food was mac-n-cheese, serving it as an appetizer or side dish at the reception.  It's a nice subtle reminder of a brother who couldn't be there, but doesn't cause people to stand back and ask questions that might be painful to other guests.
    Oh my goodness @adk19, I love this idea! I actually just bought him transformers cufflinks but I may subtly ask him what his brothers favorite toy/superhero was! Thats perfect!
  • slm86 said:

    adk19 said:

    Jen4948 said:

    Psych819 said:

    FI and I are having a memorial table at the ceremony that will be moved inside for the reception. We will have a few candles and pictures to represent our loved ones. We thought this was a good way honor and represent the loved ones that couldn't be there without making it too sad. This was also helpful to me seeing as my dad passed  year ago I will already but very emotional that day without adding a very somber tribute to him. 

    Even a table of photos of only deceased persons can seem very somber. I'd consider also including photos of living persons as well to take away some of the pain and grief associated with the photos of the deceased.
    My sister had a DW, so she had a table with photos of people who weren't there, both living and not.  A picture of her dog who was home, a picture of our deceased grandmother and aunt, a picture of the groom's grandmother who couldn't travel from Arizona, a picture of our grandparents who couldn't travel from Minnesota.  Also mixed in where some of their engagement photos, the guest book, and the escort cards and candles.

    As far as a reminder of the 8 year old brother, what about toys?  If the kid liked legos, maybe lego cufflinks.  If the kid was totally into batman, maybe a batman pin on the groom's boutannierre.  Or if the kid's favorite food was mac-n-cheese, serving it as an appetizer or side dish at the reception.  It's a nice subtle reminder of a brother who couldn't be there, but doesn't cause people to stand back and ask questions that might be painful to other guests.
    Oh my goodness @adk19, I love this idea! I actually just bought him transformers cufflinks but I may subtly ask him what his brothers favorite toy/superhero was! Thats perfect!
    only thing is that you may not want to be subtle about asking.  I think you want to let him know that you're trying to come up with a good way for his brother to have a presence at the wedding, and give him your ideas.  You don't want to Spring it on him unexpectedly.  So, say you Subtly find out the kid loved Bugs Bunny, so you buy him Bugs Bunny cufflinks or tie clip.  If you try gifting him this item, like, as a surprise the morning of the wedding, he might break down in weeping, which is exactly the reaction you Don't want him to have the morning of his wedding.  So, ask, tell him why you're asking, and get his thoughts as to what you both think is a good plan.
    fitvegan
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