Wedding Vows & Ceremony Discussions
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Stuck on choosing what kind of ceremony to have.

So here's my big planning dilemma right now.  I was raised Catholic and my FI was raised Presbyterian, neither of us are practicing any more but both of us agree if we were to start going back to church it would be to Presbyterian services, but I may personally return to the catholic faith someday.  Because there is a difference in how marriage is done in both of these religions we were almost to the point of biting the bullet and doing a Catholic ceremony to please my side of the family.  

We then found out that we are probably going to have to sign a promise that we will raise any children in the Catholic faith, which is a deal breaker for us.  We know we could sign and do whatever we want when we do have children but doing that insincerely just doesn't feel right to us.

So we had just about made up our minds that we would just do a simple Presbyterian service at his church when I found out if we do that without obtaining permission from the bishop I would no longer be able to receive communion in a catholic service.  

This all puts me in a hard place to figure out how I really feel about religion and we're starting to run out of planning time, has anyone else had to really question their religious beliefs when planning.  And how the heck did you figure it out?

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Re: Stuck on choosing what kind of ceremony to have.

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    I think only you can make this decision. You need to look deep into yourself and your faith and answer these questions for yourself

    • What faith do you plan to raise your kids? If not catholic, would you continue to go to catholic church without them since you said you wouldn't have them raised catholic?
    • What is it that draws you to the catholic faith versus changing over to Presbyterian or a different faith
    • What do you and your FI want, don't do what others want you to do, this is a decision you have to live with, not them

     

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    I think this is the first step in deciding what role religion will take in your marriage.  This is an extremely personal decision and will help shape faith in your lives together.
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    If you have decided that you will not be raising your children in the Catholic faith, then I doubt that any priest would agree to marry you.
    Once you are married anywhere except a Catholic church, you will be barred from the sacraments.  You can still attend mass, but you cannot accept the eucharist.
    You will need to decide this for yourself.  You don't know what life will have ahead for you.
    I have a cousin who married a Catholic in the Catholic Church to preserve his standing.  They never attended the Catholic church again.  They are all good Lutherans now.  No regrets.  He just needed some time to figure out his beliefs and feelings.  I think you do, too.
    Talk to your priest.  Se what he advises.  Best wishes.

    PS.  The Presbyterian wedding ceremony is very much like the Catholic ceremony, but without the mass.  The belief in the nature of the eucharist is what is different.
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    If you don't want to raise your kids Catholic, then getting married in the Catholic Church is probably not an option. Because it IS something you agree to, via your vows and pre cana.

    Unfortunately for you, if you don't get married in the CC, you can't receive the Eucharist there anymore, you can't be a Catholic godparent, etc.

    It's a tough decision with long term implications. DH was raised Catholic and we had the same dilemma. We ended up getting married outside and we now attend a Methodist Church together. We will raise our kids in the Methodist Church.
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    If you don't want to raise your kids Catholic, then getting married in the Catholic Church is probably not an option. Because it IS something you agree to, via your vows and pre cana. Unfortunately for you, if you don't get married in the CC, you can't receive the Eucharist there anymore, you can't be a Catholic godparent, etc. It's a tough decision with long term implications. DH was raised Catholic and we had the same dilemma. We ended up getting married outside and we now attend a Methodist Church together. We will raise our kids in the Methodist Church.
    As a note - it's not like the situation would be unfixable entirely in the future if you choose to get married outside the Church. But you'd have to be very sincerely committed to the difficult process of getting your marriage convalidated. If you're only half-hearted about wanting to be in good standing again, you won't do it.
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    You need to make this decision for yourself, do not allow your family to influence you.  You realize what the penalty will be if you marry outside of the Catholic faith.  Now you just need to reflect on if that will be ok with you. 

    I think one thing that may help you decide, is answering the question of why do I not want to raise my children Catholic, but still want to be Catholic myself.  Knowing the answer to that question could help you make this decision for yourself.

    Lastly, if you marry in the Presbyterian Church and many years down the road, you decide to become a practicing Catholic again.  It will be possible for you to have your marriage blessed (Convalidation Ceremony) in the Catholic faith and restore your good standing.  I don't know how that would work if this is after you have children and are raising them outside of the Catholic faith.  The vows of a Convalidation would be the same as Wedding vows, so you would be vowing to raise your children Catholic.

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    If it is important for you to remain a practicing Catholic, why don't you want to raise your future children as Catholics, too?
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    This type of self examination and questioning of what you believe and how your faith fits into your life is a valid way to prepare for each sacrament, not just marriage. You're asking some really important questions, but you're the only one who can answer them. I'd like to echo flantastic 's sentiment that it's a nice change of pace to have someone question their decision from a religious standpoint rather than a desire for a garden or beach wedding.

    Best wishes to you in making this very important decision. 

                       
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    CMGragain said:
    If it is important for you to remain a practicing Catholic, why don't you want to raise your future children as Catholics, too?
    We have decided together we don't want to force religion on any children we may have.  And while we would be bringing them to Presbyterian services if any, it is so they would know some sort of option for them and once they reached a certain point it would be up to them to decide whether they wish to continue attending or not.

    I would like to leave the door open for myself because I am having a hard time figuring out my religious beliefs right now, and am not sure if I am ready to abandon the religion I was raised in, but we don't want that same pressure on our children.

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    You cannot leave the door open without being married in the Catholic Church.  The door will still be open for the Presbyterian Church.  However, you will still need to do pre-cana with your FI, and you will need to talk with your priest about your beliefs.
    Schedule a counseling session with your priest.  This will help you decide what is best for you.
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    OP, I don't post very often (at all really) but your situation sounded similar to mine and we thought about this for a while. My fiancé is Jewish, and I was raised Catholic. We're actually having a ceremony with both a Rabbi and a Catholic priest. We did talk extensively with the priest about this commitment. We did, or rather I did, have to sign a statement saying that I would do what was in my power to raise any children in the Catholic faith. But we talked at length with the priest about what that actually means and he explained that its interpretation can be somewhat liberal, especially with the addition of "what was in my power". Our plan has been to not force a religion on any children we should have, but rather to teach them about both faiths, and when they are ready to decide, they can. They could choose Catholicism, Judaism, or any other faith or belief that they would be happy in. It's not a competition as to what they would decide. Our priest agrees with this approach and says that as long as both parties are open to the option of the child potentially choosing Catholicism, he sees no reason that would be in violation of my promise. We've also spoken to the Rabbi who will be marrying us about this, and he has no issue either. 
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    OP, I don't post very often (at all really) but your situation sounded similar to mine and we thought about this for a while. My fiancé is Jewish, and I was raised Catholic. We're actually having a ceremony with both a Rabbi and a Catholic priest. We did talk extensively with the priest about this commitment. We did, or rather I did, have to sign a statement saying that I would do what was in my power to raise any children in the Catholic faith. But we talked at length with the priest about what that actually means and he explained that its interpretation can be somewhat liberal, especially with the addition of "what was in my power". Our plan has been to not force a religion on any children we should have, but rather to teach them about both faiths, and when they are ready to decide, they can. They could choose Catholicism, Judaism, or any other faith or belief that they would be happy in. It's not a competition as to what they would decide. Our priest agrees with this approach and says that as long as both parties are open to the option of the child potentially choosing Catholicism, he sees no reason that would be in violation of my promise. We've also spoken to the Rabbi who will be marrying us about this, and he has no issue either. 
    This really does not sound like something the Catholic Church would endorse.
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    Well, all I can say is that we discussed it with the Catholic priest who is helping with the ceremony, and he's been the priest at my hometown parish for as long as I can remember. I'm not saying this is a solution for everyone, I think it probably comes down to the priest and parish that you belong to and their views on the subject, how strict or liberal they are. But he is happily marrying us...

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