Thank You note question

KylaSedai_23635864 · February 2015

I'm still in the process of writing out all my thank-you notes (OUCH!), and to save my poor hand, I'm looking at narrowing down my list a little bit. >_>

For example: several co-workers attended and did not bring gifts, but did contribute to a "group" present. I've thanked the two who *did* give individual presents, but instead of thanking each other person individually, I plan to write one "group" card to my workplace. Ta-da! Several names off the list.

Here's my question, though - I did have several other guests who attended the wedding and reception, but did not bring gifts. Some traveled from long distances - they get cards. One is my uncle with Down's Syndrome, who loves getting mail - he gets a card. But several of the others either sent gifts beforehand (in which case they received a "thanks for the present" card, but have not gotten a "thanks for coming" card) or bought large shower gifts (for which they've received cards) that were most likely intended to serve as both shower and wedding gifts.

So do I send "repeat" cards? "I know I already said thanks for your present, but it was great to see you, too" cards?

I'd be very grateful for thoughts and opinions!

misshart00 · February 2015

Since the reception is a thank you to guests, you don't have to write thanks for coming cards.

levioosa · February 2015

You don't send thank you attendance cards as they can seem gift grabby. Your reception was the thank you to your guests for attending. I wouldn't side eye a card to your uncle though, since he probably would just be excited about getting mail.

Although it was a group gift, you should write individual thank you notes to everyone who contributed (or am I wrong in this, knotties?)

AddieCake · February 2015

I would write individual cards for the group gift. I would not send thanks for coming cards.

southernbelle0915 · February 2015

To save your hand, just follow etiquette and only write TY cards for people who gave you gifts. They should be sent within a few weeks of the wedding.

lyndausvi · February 2015

AddieCake said:

I would write individual cards for the group gift. I would not send thanks for coming cards.

This^

mlg78 · February 2015

Have your husband do thank you notes for his side. He benefits from the gifts too. There's no rule about it having to be written by the bride. I had my husband do those for his family and friends and it was much easier on me. I think my favorite he wrote was for some bakeware we received, "Thank you so much for the bakeware. It will aid Megan in her tireless effort to please me with pastries and cakes."

theartistformerlyknownas · February 2015

mlg78 said:
Have your husband do thank you notes for his side. He benefits from the gifts too. There's no rule about it having to be written by the bride. I had my husband do those for his family and friends and it was much easier on me. I think my favorite he wrote was for some bakeware we received, "Thank you so much for the bakeware. It will aid Megan in her tireless effort to please me with pastries and cakes."

I was gonna ditto Addie but this one wins.

KylaSedai_23635864 · February 2015

The husband has volunteered to assist, but his very best handwriting is bested by the 6-year-olds I teach. >_<

Thanks for the input, all!

bananasplit472001 · February 2015

I agree with PP you don't send thank you notes for people just showing up to a wedding or a bridal shower. They need to send a gift to get a handwritten thank you note. Otherwise the reception and the shower plus the favors is their thank you. It's pretty tacky for these guests to show up without a gift BTW.

mrscomposer · February 2015

bananasplit472001 said:

I agree with PP you don't send thank you notes for people just showing up to a wedding or a bridal shower. They need to send a gift to get a handwritten thank you note. Otherwise the reception and the shower plus the favors is their thank you. It's pretty tacky for these guests to show up without a gift BTW.

Mmmm... no it's not. You're never required to give a gift at a wedding. It is COMMON to give gifts, but it's not TACKY to not.

LtPowers · February 2015

mrscomposer said:

bananasplit472001 said:

I agree with PP you don't send thank you notes for people just showing up to a wedding or a bridal shower. They need to send a gift to get a handwritten thank you note. Otherwise the reception and the shower plus the favors is their thank you. It's pretty tacky for these guests to show up without a gift BTW.

Mmmm... no it's not. You're never required to give a gift at a wedding. It is COMMON to give gifts, but it's not TACKY to not.

I don't know if I'd call it "tacky", but a gift is considered proper if one is attending a wedding.

annathy03 · February 2015

LtPowers said:

mrscomposer said:

bananasplit472001 said:

I agree with PP you don't send thank you notes for people just showing up to a wedding or a bridal shower. They need to send a gift to get a handwritten thank you note. Otherwise the reception and the shower plus the favors is their thank you. It's pretty tacky for these guests to show up without a gift BTW.

Mmmm... no it's not. You're never required to give a gift at a wedding. It is COMMON to give gifts, but it's not TACKY to not.

I don't know if I'd call it "tacky", but a gift is considered proper if one is attending a wedding.

Bullshit. Gifts are optional. Or am I supposed to be mad that BIL "only" flew across the country and rented a tux (that H subsidized- gasp!) to be in our wedding? Or irritated my local friend with massive student loans who was also saving to propose to his long time gf didn't give us a present?

Now, if a guest comes on here I'd always recommend bringing at least a card of well wishes (not $) so the couple knows something else didn't get lost. For all I know my friend did give us something I didn't recieve and I'm over here looking like a brat for not sending him a TY note, and it would be nice to have assurance that isn't the case.

OP, send TY notes to the individuals that contributed to the group gift, but not just for attendance (except your Uncle who loves getting mail, no side-eye there).

Chiwatkins · February 2015

I wish I could send a link to this post to my bridezilla cousin. I just got her save the date magnet ("formal invitation to follow") for her "wedding reception" that is taking place 2 weeks after her destination wedding.

Btw, she only had a save the date sent for her destination wedding. Gift grabby....

antoto · February 2015

I did send one "thank you for coming" card. My aunt with whom I have always been extremely close to drove 1500 miles and read a poem she wrote specifically for the occasion at the ceremony. I sent her a framed picture of the three of us and a thank you card. She may not have given me a boxed gift, but her efforts were a very special sentimental gift to me.

But yeah, no group thank yous! And no need to send repeats.

LtPowers · February 2015

annathy03 said:

LtPowers said:

mrscomposer said:

bananasplit472001 said:

I agree with PP you don't send thank you notes for people just showing up to a wedding or a bridal shower. They need to send a gift to get a handwritten thank you note. Otherwise the reception and the shower plus the favors is their thank you. It's pretty tacky for these guests to show up without a gift BTW.

Mmmm... no it's not. You're never required to give a gift at a wedding. It is COMMON to give gifts, but it's not TACKY to not.

I don't know if I'd call it "tacky", but a gift is considered proper if one is attending a wedding.

Bullshit. Gifts are optional. Or am I supposed to be mad that BIL "only" flew across the country and rented a tux (that H subsidized- gasp!) to be in our wedding? Or irritated my local friend with massive student loans who was also saving to propose to his long time gf didn't give us a present?

Now, if a guest comes on here I'd always recommend bringing at least a card of well wishes (not $) so the couple knows something else didn't get lost. For all I know my friend did give us something I didn't recieve and I'm over here looking like a brat for not sending him a TY note, and it would be nice to have assurance that isn't the case.

OP, send TY notes to the individuals that contributed to the group gift, but not just for attendance (except your Uncle who loves getting mail, no side-eye there).

It's always possible to come up with unusual situations that demand exceptions from the rule. But the general rule is still that a wedding is a gift-giving occasion, and thus it is considered proper to send a gift if you are attending.

Simply declaring it to be 'bullshit' doesn't make it so. This is based on the recommendations of every etiquette expert I've read.

SP29 · February 2015

The sentiment is that if you like someone enough to go to their wedding, you would like them enough to bring them a gift, because you are truly happy for them and want to celebrate.

However, this does not mean a gift is required, nor does it mean it is tacky not to give a gift.

LtPowers · February 2015

SP29 said:

The sentiment is that if you like someone enough to go to their wedding, you would like them enough to bring them a gift, because you are truly happy for them and want to celebrate.

However, this does not mean a gift is required, nor does it mean it is tacky not to give a gift.

I believe I've acknowledged both. It may not strictly be "tacky", but absent extenuating circumstances, it does send the wrong message.

In general, if you're going to a wedding, you really should give a gift.

annathy03 · February 2015

LtPowers said:

SP29 said:

The sentiment is that if you like someone enough to go to their wedding, you would like them enough to bring them a gift, because you are truly happy for them and want to celebrate.

However, this does not mean a gift is required, nor does it mean it is tacky not to give a gift.

I believe I've acknowledged both. It may not strictly be "tacky", but absent extenuating circumstances, it does send the wrong message.

In general, if you're going to a wedding, you really should give a gift.

The problem with this line of thinking is that it assumes you know any and all "extenuating circumstances". People don't always shout their layoffs/medical issues/debts/unexpected repairs/etc from the rooftops, and their financial matters are none of my business.

It's one thing if a guest gets an invite and just thinks "Yeah! FREE PARTY!" rather than something along the lines of "I can't wait to celebrate with them". That would be dick. But most guests are truly happy for the couple, and often pay to travel, or for a sitter, take off work, or whathaveyou which may already be a stretch for them; as the saying goes you don't know what you don't know.

In general, if you're going to a wedding, you should *want* to give a gift. On the flip side, the happy couple shouldn't read into a lack of one as "the wrong message".

LtPowers · February 2015

annathy03 said:

LtPowers said:

SP29 said:

The sentiment is that if you like someone enough to go to their wedding, you would like them enough to bring them a gift, because you are truly happy for them and want to celebrate.

However, this does not mean a gift is required, nor does it mean it is tacky not to give a gift.

I believe I've acknowledged both. It may not strictly be "tacky", but absent extenuating circumstances, it does send the wrong message.

In general, if you're going to a wedding, you really should give a gift.

The problem with this line of thinking is that it assumes you know any and all "extenuating circumstances". People don't always shout their layoffs/medical issues/debts/unexpected repairs/etc from the rooftops, and their financial matters are none of my business.

It's one thing if a guest gets an invite and just thinks "Yeah! FREE PARTY!" rather than something along the lines of "I can't wait to celebrate with them". That would be dick. But most guests are truly happy for the couple, and often pay to travel, or for a sitter, take off work, or whathaveyou which may already be a stretch for them; as the saying goes you don't know what you don't know.

In general, if you're going to a wedding, you should *want* to give a gift. On the flip side, the happy couple shouldn't read into a lack of one as "the wrong message".

Perhaps we're approaching this from opposite sides.

Of course the couple should overlook the lack of gifts. They should never expect presents, and be graciously effusive in gratitude should they receive any.

But I'm addressing the guests here. Unless you have a good reason -- and, yes, good reasons are many and varied and impossible to catalog exhaustively -- you really should get a gift for a couple whose wedding you're attending.

I'd even go a bit farther and say you should probably give a gift for a wedding you would attend but can't.

No social occasion requires a gift. But a wedding comes about as close as you can get.

Thank You note question

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