Woes

asdf54321 · February 2015

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VarunaTT · February 2015

I think the whole dye lot thing is just an urban myth the boutiques use to get the orders to come to them. It's not like these things are mixed by hand anymore. It's done by a machine and it's done all the time. It's why every single retail chain store all pretty much looks exactly the same. So, let it go, this isn't really going to matter.

Let them host a bridal shower. You can have more than one. Just tell them that you'll be having one, here on this date, so pick their date, hand them a guest list, and let it go. Again, something that doesn't really matter.

You'll be dealing with this family for hopefully, the rest of your life. So, figure out what are hills to actually battle over and which things can be worked around/with. If there are things you can do to make it work that doesn't actually cost you something and saves the fight, do that thing. And if it's a hill to battle over, FI/DH needs to be the leader of the fight and support you fully.

asdf54321 · February 2015

I live in California and they live on the east coast so I can't afford to fly home for 2 bridal showers.

I guess it's more of an issue that thy can never just respect what I ask for and I'm always giving in and doing it their way.

pegasuskat · February 2015

From the examples you are giving, it seems like you are the one that is very inflexible. If you are flying to the east coast, why can't both showers be during the same trip. MOST families give seperate showers, its very common. And, if they are ordering the same dress then it does not matter where they get it from. A local boutique that includes alterations could very well be saving them over $100 and its crazy to not take advantage of that.

You are going to need to get along with them, they are going to be your family, you need to try and pick battles that are way more important than the examples you are giving us.

asdf54321 · February 2015

I've also already changed my wedding date for them, let them host an engagement party that none of my family was invited to, let them change the rehearsal dinner venue because they didn't like the feel of the place my fiancé and I wanted, let them have control over the menus (because they are on a strict diet, the menus need to meet their restrictions. Why we can't just order 3 special plates for them idk but I let that go)...and we have 6 months to go still

asdf54321 · February 2015

Well thanks for the "support"

Heffalump · February 2015

Wait, they're ordering the exact dress and color you requested, but you're upset because it's not from the exact same shop? Am I reading this correctly? You know that in 2015, dye lot issues are like Bigfoot, right?

Also, if someone wanted to throw me a party, I wouldn't be all pissy about it just because someone else already wanted to throw me another party. Maybe take a step back and get a little perspective, because this makes you sound ungracious and unappreciative.

jcsandiego said:

I'm getting married and live on the west coast. My family and my in laws are all on the east coast. As if planning with people across the country wasn't hard enough, we have completely different styles! And my in laws come from a there is only one way (their way) to do things. For starters, they wanted to host my bridal shower which offended my mom and MOH. After I firmly told them that the shower would be in my home town (2hr drive from them). They continue to bring it up and remind me that they wish I would do it in their town. Ugh. Then I picked out bridesmaid dresses from a store in California but they could have the dresses shipped to them. They didn't like that though and called a bunch of boutiques in their town, found the dress and called to tell me thy were going to order from a different boutique that did alterations. I couldn't help but be offended and feel like they were saying the plan I made wasn't good enough. Now I'm worried about the colors of the dresses being differet since they will come from different dye lots. Help! How do I stay firm on the things I care about with this very opinionated family??!?

ETA: sorry, meant to quote originally so it was clear what I was responding to.

asdf54321 · February 2015

I can only come home to the east coast one weekend and can only take 1 day off so don't have much time. They live 2 hours from my hometown. I was very thankful but when we realized it wouldn't work out they want me to not have one in my town and just do one where they live.

Also I didn't know the dye lot wasn't a big deal. Thanks for explaining.

cakemurderer · February 2015

I agree that you'll want to pick your battles carefully with them. No need to start your marriage off with bad feelings on both sides over something as trivial as a bridesmaid dress or a party. Don't look at it as always giving in and doing it their way, rather try to find a compromise that works for everyone involved in the planning process.

I think it makes more sense for them to order the dress from a local boutique, that way they can possibly try the dress on and get measurements for proper fit and getting it altered there will make the process easier on them. Also, if something goes wrong with the order, it'll be a lot easier for them to sort it out in person. Your plan worked but so does theirs, so what's the harm in letting them order locally? And I like the idea of letting them host their own shower. Why don't you drive to their town the day after your family's shower for a second celebration? That way they'll be happy and you'll get two parties!

asdf54321 · February 2015

We are doing my bachelorette the night after my bridal shower and that will roll into the day after the shower.

Is it really so horrible of me that I would like them to come to the shower that my mom and MOH are hosting?

Heffalump · February 2015

jcsandiego said:

We are doing my bachelorette the night after my bridal shower and that will roll into the day after the shower. Is it really so horrible of me that I would like them to come to the shower that my mom and MOH are hosting?

No, of course it's not horrible. You're welcome to invite them, and they're welcome to attend or not as their plans allow. But it comes off as kind of horrible the way you're flouncing around like "How dare they try to throw me a shower as well?"

On the bright side, if you keep this attitude up, the issue may resolve itself.

asdf54321 · February 2015

That's not what I'm saying! It's that they want me to NOT have my shower in my hometown that is the problem! They are asking me to give that up. They want the bridal shower in their town and don't understand why I have to have it in my hometown! I would be fine if there was time and a way to d it in their town but we all realized after MANY talks and reviews of calendars that there was only 1 possible date to do all of this. So now the issue is that they want it in their town. I understand it comes off ungrateful and I'm asking how best to make them understand that since we can only do 1, I would really like it to be in my hometown.

VarunaTT · February 2015

No, it's not horrible.

But what a bunch of old married hags, who have lived through all sorts of IL crap is telling you is that THIS ISN'T WORTH IT.

Give them your schedule and money parameters. "If you want to throw your own shower, here's when I'm available. Until then, this is the only one I'm having within the same required parameters, I certainly hope you'll accept the invitation". Again, you're about to become part of this family and dealing with them for the rest of your life. Is it so horrible to be flexible and to try and make things work? Nothing you have listed is major, it's just annoying and your and your FI's fault for giving into their incessant demands.. Both of you are going to have to learn where to say NO and mean NO and stay NO as a team. Then, there is no more discussion...you've said NO.

Trust me, I have a MIL where she thinks of NO as an opening to negotiation. We're 12 years into this marriage and she is just now starting to finally back off b/c repetitive Nos and "There is no longer a discussion to be had" from both DH and me, finally started to get through her thick skull that we're not discussing/changing our mind on this. Granted, very few times do we draw the line in the sand either. That's our compromise. It's also earned us the reputation as, "the difficult ones" b/c everyone else just gives in. Fine, we'll be difficult if that keeps us from doing things we don't want to do.

6fsn · February 2015

I can't believe there are people amongst us that have the audacity to throw someone a party. What assholes. I'm not sure I could marry into a family like this.

VarunaTT · February 2015

jcsandiego said:

That's not what I'm saying! It's that they want me to NOT have my shower in my hometown that is the problem! They are asking me to give that up. They want the bridal shower in their town and don't understand why I have to have it in my hometown! I would be fine if there was time and a way to d it in their town but we all realized after MANY talks and reviews of calendars that there was only 1 possible date to do all of this. So now the issue is that they want it in their town. I understand it comes off ungrateful and I'm asking how best to make them understand that since we can only do 1, I would really like it to be in my hometown.

"I'm sorry, that won't be possible." End of discussion. They don't have to understand, they don't have to like it, period. This is the decision, it's made, end of story. End conversations if you need to and WHERE is your FI in all of this story? HE needs to tell them to STFU.

asdf54321 · February 2015

Thank you @varunaTT for the nice reply!!! I'm always the easy one who always gives in in their family. My FI has 3 very opinionated siblings plus his parents. We are the go with the flow ones which makes this situation very difficult because it's the first time I'm having to say how I want things done. And they aren't used to hearing my opinions. This shower means a lot to my mom and would crush her if I decided to do it at his parents house instead. We have done what you suggested but are still getting side comments. I think I will take your advice though and hold firm on this one while continuing to compromise everywhere we can.

MesmrEwe · February 2015

Pick your battles - these issues ARE NOT "hills to die on"... Your IL's are NEVER going to do things "your way" so recognize you're entering into their family dynamic that has long-since been established. Think of it like traveling to a foreign country, they have their own customs, traditions, and you aren't going to change that.

Leave the shower location alone and consider a second shower. Remember, how are you going to get any gifts back to the west coast, why have an engagement party and not a formal shower on that side? (it's not unusual for men to now be invited to showers!) If you aren't available for two showers tell your Future IL's "here's when I have available" and leave it at that. If they can't make the one shower, don't get worked up about it. Sure they're 2 hours away from your hometown, so either they're available to come or they host a second shower when you're available and find a way to work it out the same weekend. It doesn't take three days to fly from east to west coast, I have friends who do that all the time where they fly in for the day and out the next. Or fly out Friday evening and back Sunday evening. Business travelers can do it, with enough pre-planning you can find flights super cheap.

Also, it's not too late to change the menu and just order the three plates of "food rules" meals if that is only how many there are. If you don't like the meal that fits their food rules, change it, but make sure those who need accommodations are attended to. It's one thing if you're marrying into a family who is "absolutely NO alcohol may be in the building" vs. "I don't like cheese, it makes my tummy woozie" vs. "peanut/food allergy" (this is the one I'd fully accommodate without question!)... If you want your RD at a particular location, have it there, unless they're paying, it's a non-issue. As for the dresses, dye lots have gone the way of the typewriter, as long as they order the same color and style, it's a non-starter.

Ease up, you're only driving yourself batty and setting yourself up for issues down the road.

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