Wedding Etiquette Forum

Best way to handle this?

I'll try and keep this short and to the point. While I realize it's a pretty small issue, it has been causing some stress and I'm honestly not sure what is the right thing to do.

DF and I are having a semi-destination (our families are spread out all over the world so we picked a central-ish location) wedding. It will be a very small wedding with only very close family attending. DF and I and both of our parents will all be arriving two days prior to the wedding. 

The wedding coordinator has asked that we drop by the ceremony site the day before the wedding to take a look around, make any last-minute changes, etc. DF is extremely laid-back with wedding plans and the guys had already made some plans for golf, so I decided I'd go with my mom. 

I've been in communication with both sides of our family trying to coordinate our plans for the day before the wedding (a family brunch, DF has some activities planned with the guys, etc.). When I mentioned my mom and I going to visit the ceremony venue the day before, my future SIL and MIL asked if they could come with us. I said sure, not thinking anything of it. 

When I mentioned to my mom that they would be joining us, my mom was upset as she had expected it would be just the two of us and was looking forward to it as our only "mother daughter" activity throughout the trip. She noted that she is helping us out significantly with the costs of the wedding and has been involved in some of the planning, while future MIL is not (but she does live across the world!). She seemed so disappointed that it would now be us and the in-laws and asked if I would feel comfortable asking them if we could keep it just the two of us. 

To be honest, I don't feel comfortable preventing them from joining us and ultimately want to have as great a relationship with them as possible. Future MIL and SIL are lovely and I have no issues with them joining us at all. But my mom has been bringing this up fairly regularly wondering if I've talked to them yet and persisting that she is hoping for this to be a mother-daughter activity as we've been doing the rest of the planning together. She is clearly upset. 

I just want everyone happy! Any thoughts on the best way to handle this? 


Re: Best way to handle this?

  • mikenbergermikenberger In a f'n cornfield member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    Well, first of all, just because your FMIL isn't paying and hasn't done a lot of planning doesn't mean she can't come along. I think your mom is just clamoring for excuses to exclude her, and this one seems petty.

    You're right in that this could hurt your relationship with your FMIL and FSIL. You've already invited them, and there's no way to say, "My mother wants a mother/daughter outing, so you can't come."

    I would try to arrange another special thing for you and your mother. Could you have breakfast together the morning of the tour? Or perhaps you could take her out for a mother/daughter lunch afterward?
    Agree with all these words. My mom would do something similar, so I feel your pain! Definitely offer another Mother/Daughter only option as a compromise. Do you think your Mom is having a little trouble "letting go" of you since you're getting married? I'm the last one out of 5 to get married and the only girl and woo. Mama is not happy.

    image
  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle NYC 'burbs member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I think you're mother is acting petty. Tell her that your FMIL and FSIL will be joining you. Then plan something separate for you and your mother to do. 

    charcoalandblush
  • This is definitely something my mom would do! We are having a similar wedding, a small destination wedding with just immediate family, and my mom is planning like she and I are going on vacation together. I agree with PPs, it's rude to uninvite FMIL and FSIL. They live far away and this is a good way for you to spend time with them and for them to feel like they are helping with the wedding. I would try to plan something else for just you and your mom to do like breakfast or manicures. 
    charcoalandblush
  • I agree with others. Don't uninvite your future inlaws to viewing the ceremony site, but adjust your agenda for something else so you can fit in some alone time with your mom. 
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I think she's just wants some time alone with you - visiting the ceremony site would not be my first choice for a meaningful mother-daughter activity, but right now it's what she's got. You shouldn't hurt the ILs by rescinding the invitation, though, so I agree that you should work in something better for mother-daughter time.
  • I'm going to chime in and say that my mother would do the same thing, mostly because she feels jealous/threatened by the good relationship I have with my FMIL, who also lives relatively close to FI and I while she lives on the opposite side of the country.

    Going to look at the venue for any last ideas/changes doesn't sound like a very fun mother-daughter outting, anyway. How about saying: "Mom, FSIL and FMIL are looking forward to joining us and I would like them to come along--I would feel uncomfortable telling them they cannot come now. How about you and I go get lunch or a mani/pedi afterwards, just the two of us?"
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  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I'll try and keep this short and to the point. While I realize it's a pretty small issue, it has been causing some stress and I'm honestly not sure what is the right thing to do.

    DF and I are having a semi-destination (our families are spread out all over the world so we picked a central-ish location) wedding. It will be a very small wedding with only very close family attending. DF and I and both of our parents will all be arriving two days prior to the wedding. 

    The wedding coordinator has asked that we drop by the ceremony site the day before the wedding to take a look around, make any last-minute changes, etc. DF is extremely laid-back with wedding plans and the guys had already made some plans for golf, so I decided I'd go with my mom. 

    I've been in communication with both sides of our family trying to coordinate our plans for the day before the wedding (a family brunch, DF has some activities planned with the guys, etc.). When I mentioned my mom and I going to visit the ceremony venue the day before, my future SIL and MIL asked if they could come with us. I said sure, not thinking anything of it. 

    When I mentioned to my mom that they would be joining us, my mom was upset as she had expected it would be just the two of us and was looking forward to it as our only "mother daughter" activity throughout the trip. She noted that she is helping us out significantly with the costs of the wedding and has been involved in some of the planning, while future MIL is not (but she does live across the world!). She seemed so disappointed that it would now be us and the in-laws and asked if I would feel comfortable asking them if we could keep it just the two of us. 

    To be honest, I don't feel comfortable preventing them from joining us and ultimately want to have as great a relationship with them as possible. Future MIL and SIL are lovely and I have no issues with them joining us at all. But my mom has been bringing this up fairly regularly wondering if I've talked to them yet and persisting that she is hoping for this to be a mother-daughter activity as we've been doing the rest of the planning together. She is clearly upset. 

    I just want everyone happy! Any thoughts on the best way to handle this? 


    JIC.  Ditto PPs.
  • I think she's just wants some time alone with you - visiting the ceremony site would not be my first choice for a meaningful mother-daughter activity, but right now it's what she's got. You shouldn't hurt the ILs by rescinding the invitation, though, so I agree that you should work in something better for mother-daughter time.

    Ditto!
  • edited June 2015
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