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Am I right to be irritated? *mother's wedding

thejadeangelthejadeangel member
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in Wedding Party
TL;DR (rant)
So my mother is getting married (3rd time's the charm, I hope). The guy is great, I think she hit it right this time around.

The problem is where I stand as a bride's maid. I am 28 and married with a 5 year old. When my mother first started planning her wedding last year, she did not plan to include me in the wedding party AT ALL. Not for any particular reason, but that she wanted her older sister in the wedding. Well, once she realized she couldn't have her older sister without her younger, she changed her mind and decided to make my future-step sister and I the maid and matron of honor and just not go with sisters.

Great. Dress hunting, we find a dress (I happened to be pregnant at the time) that we all agreed on and that had some leeway in case I didn't lose the baby fat before the wedding. Well.... lost the pregnancy to tumors, so that didn't end up matter.

Ok... so my step sister and I have had a few get together for dresses, discuss who has what duty in the preparations, etc. Since I lost the pregnancy I have been having health problems and spent most of my time in bed for several months. After about 60 different tests and a surgery, they found cancer 6 days ago. Ok, fine... that's life. I had a 2nd surgery, and I'm waiting to find out what we're doing about radiation. But in the end I will be fine for her wedding, and I've been doing what I can at home (started making the wedding favors, gathering addresses for the invitations my step sister is making).

First surprise "don't like the dress we picked before, we're ordering this one. Online". Problem... because of my health problems I have been going up and down 1 size. Once they get me on medication (withholding it until radiation) I will probably lose a bit of weight. Until then I am bound to gain a few pounds. Buying a dress blindly online that can't be tried on? BAD idea (also she chose a strapless, and my step sister can't wear them). But she is being stubborn. Well, I did convince her to go dress shopping again with us, but she is making it obvious that it's reluctantly.

Then today I get a surprise, my aunt is back in the wedding party. Ok, that's good that she's still going to get her in. Oh, by the way.... she's taking over as matron of honor.... say what!? My aunt has had 0 involvement in planning this. She's half the country away. Even with being ill I've been there to give mom opinions, and honestly we have had 0 drama aside from telling her it's not a good idea to buy a dress online so close to the wedding (it's in less than 3 months). But that really hurt. So I've been trying to be here for her about this, and I am making favors for the wedding, and she volunteered me to cook and bake this or that.... and 3 days out of surgery to treat cancer she just casually throws out that she wants her sister to be her matron of honor instead of her daughter now? Well, after I reacted with a little annoyance at it, she changed it back and acted as though she was joking (so I'm matron of honor again).

Would you be annoyed too? Or should this not be bothering me?
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Re: Am I right to be irritated? *mother's wedding

  • KatWAGKatWAG member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its

    I am really sory about all your health issues but you need to grow a back bone and stand up to your mother.

    She is treating you terribly and I think its time to stand up for yourself.

    Why are you making wedding favors and gathering addresses? Did you offer or is she making you? Why did she demote you to a bridesmaid?

    FWIW, bridesmaids have no duties. They only need to show up in the pre-selected dress, on time,  clean, and relatively sober.

     

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  • KatWAGKatWAG member
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    thejadeangel said:
    TL;DR (rant)
    So my mother is getting married (3rd time's the charm, I hope). The guy is great, I think she hit it right this time around.

    The problem is where I stand as a bride's maid. I am 28 and married with a 5 year old. When my mother first started planning her wedding last year, she did not plan to include me in the wedding party AT ALL. Not for any particular reason, but that she wanted her older sister in the wedding. Well, once she realized she couldn't have her older sister without her younger, she changed her mind and decided to make my future-step sister and I the maid and matron of honor and just not go with sisters.

    Great. Dress hunting, we find a dress (I happened to be pregnant at the time) that we all agreed on and that had some leeway in case I didn't lose the baby fat before the wedding. Well.... lost the pregnancy to tumors, so that didn't end up matter.

    Ok... so my step sister and I have had a few get together for dresses, discuss who has what duty in the preparations, etc. Since I lost the pregnancy I have been having health problems and spent most of my time in bed for several months. After about 60 different tests and a surgery, they found cancer 6 days ago. Ok, fine... that's life. I had a 2nd surgery, and I'm waiting to find out what we're doing about radiation. But in the end I will be fine for her wedding, and I've been doing what I can at home (started making the wedding favors, gathering addresses for the invitations my step sister is making).

    First surprise "don't like the dress we picked before, we're ordering this one. Online". Problem... because of my health problems I have been going up and down 1 size. Once they get me on medication (withholding it until radiation) I will probably lose a bit of weight. Until then I am bound to gain a few pounds. Buying a dress blindly online that can't be tried on? BAD idea (also she chose a strapless, and my step sister can't wear them). But she is being stubborn. Well, I did convince her to go dress shopping again with us, but she is making it obvious that it's reluctantly.

    Then today I get a surprise, my aunt is back in the wedding party. Ok, that's good that she's still going to get her in. Oh, by the way.... she's taking over as matron of honor.... say what!? My aunt has had 0 involvement in planning this. She's half the country away. Even with being ill I've been there to give mom opinions, and honestly we have had 0 drama aside from telling her it's not a good idea to buy a dress online so close to the wedding (it's in less than 3 months). But that really hurt. So I've been trying to be here for her about this, and I am making favors for the wedding, and she volunteered me to cook and bake this or that.... and 3 days out of surgery to treat cancer she just casually throws out that she wants her sister to be her matron of honor instead of her daughter now? Well, after I reacted with a little annoyance at it, she changed it back and acted as though she was joking (so I'm matron of honor again).

    Would you be annoyed too? Or should this not be bothering me?

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  • novella1186novella1186 member
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    Yes, I would be very annoyed. It sounds like you're doing more than you should (and bridesmaids are not required to do ANYTHING for someone else's wedding. It's your mom's wedding. She can do all that crap herself). 

    I'm sorry your mom is being difficult. I'm also very sorry to hear you're having health issues. Take care of yourself, and put yourself first. This wedding should not be causing you a bunch of extra stress. 
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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
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    Has your mom shown any concern about your health? I'm surprised, with what you are going through, that the focus is on your mother's wedding.
                       
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  • levioosalevioosa member
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    I am sorry to hear about all of your health problems and your miscarriage. 

    You do not owe your mother any help decorating or planning her wedding.  Take care of YOU first.  If she gets upset because you're not cooking her dinners or making favors when you are going through fucking cancer treatments, then she can cry herself a river, build a bridge, and get the hell over it. 

    It was wrong of her to shuffle her BP like that.  None of you (BMs or MOHs) have duties, other than to show up on time, sober, and in the dress on the day of the wedding.  This is your Mom's third wedding.  It's great that she's found a good guy, but the only people ever required to pay and plan a wedding are the bride and groom. 

    Real talk time though:  Is this different than how she normally acts?  Because if she is always like this, her third wedding will be no different, and it is time to set boundaries and stand up for yourself.  This is not the time to be stressing about making the favors, cooking, and gathering addresses (seriously?) when you are sick and in pain. 

    If this is too much to handle, I would drop out of the WP.  At the very least tell her that you cannot do any of these things, but that you will stand up next to her on the day of the wedding.  If you would like to stay in, I would take your measurements and then order a dress size up from the matching measurements on the site. 


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  • thejadeangelthejadeangel member
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    I'm not sure to what extent others would show concern, but she has been helping via giving rides and watching my daughter so my husband could stay for the surgeries. What I have is called papillary carcinoma, and it has a nearly 100% rate of survival because of my age. So now that the surgeries are over, it's just a matter of getting the radiation next month, and that should put me in complete remission if the surgery didn't already do the trick. That's why I say I should be fine by her wedding.

    The wedding is also not a big affair. It will be her first white gown wedding, but we're doing it in her back yard and it won't be overly fancy. It does seem that she has everyone in on something or another. My step sister is an artist, and is making the invitations. Some of hers and her fiance's friends have volunteered to make certain dishes and deserts for it. We've already agreed to find another dress in store, and she already recanted changing the party. It just gets to me that she thinks nothing of randomly pushing me aside, and yet sometimes I think I'm overreacting.
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  • levioosalevioosa member
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    Ditto @PrettyGirlLost


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  • rcher912rcher912 member
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    Damn. That sucks, OP. I'm so sorry to hear about the miscarriage and the diagnosis, that's an awful lot for one person/family to handle.

    I hope all the things you've done for your mom's wedding were things you volunteered for, in your own excitement, rather than things she asked/tasked you to do.

    That said, you have every right to feel burned by her even "jokingly" casting you out as MOH. Not to even touch all the personal stuff you're dealing with, we always say on here that demoting BMs is a friendship-ending move. It really does hurt people's feelings.You are absolutely NOT overreacting. 

    In fact, I don't think you'd be overreacting to say "Hey mom, that was really mean and rude and it hurt my feelings." ...or slightly more snarky, if that's your cup of tea!

    And actually, I agree with PPs - you wouldn't be overreacting to drop out of the wedding party entirely. That was a really careless, thoughtless thing for your mom to say or even consider - joking or not.
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  • auriannaaurianna member
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    "Oh... my daughter lost a child and now has a dangerous disease.... hmmm... better demote her in my wedding cuz I bet she can't swing the DIY favors!!!!!"

    O. M. G.

    Sorry. I don't know your mom. But just based on that she sounds like a sociopath.
    Yes. You have the right to be irritated.


    About the dresses, I'd say to your mom "Mom, due to my condition I'm not sure I'll be able to commit to a dress immediately. Would you consider just giving us all a color and we all just buy our own dress? Otherwise it might end up not being the right size and I really want your bridesmaids, myself included, to look their best."
    If that doesn't work... just yeah. Ditto PPs and just focus on you.
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  • rcher912rcher912 member
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    Oh! I forgot about the dress thing! Yes. Ordering now and online, no less, is silly. Don't do it.
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  • lovegood90lovegood90 member
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    I'm so sorry to hear about your health, and I hope everything will get better for you. I agree with everyone else that you need to take care of yourself first. Your mother is being a child and needs to learn to plan her own wedding. DECLINE any future requests for you to help, seriously enough is enough.

    Formerly martha1818

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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
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    I'm sorry, but your mother sounds like a terrible person. 

    She's putting her wedding ahead of her sick daughter. Irritating doesn't cut it. If she always treats you this way, I think it might be time to stop making excuses for her and start figuring out how to set some boundaries with this woman. 
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  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 member
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    I'm so sorry.

    I'm going out on a limb here, but is her being wedding obsessed and crazy her way of dealing with "holy shit my daughter has cancer"....? Some people go into denial with the tough stuff.... You didn't indicate if selfishness is her normal MO or not....
    ________________________________


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  • BrandNewJBrandNewJ member
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    Don't make excuses for her and minimize your cancer. You're allowed to feel hurt that your mom would so easily discard you as MOH. I am so extremely sorry for what you are going through, and I hope you realize how important you are. You are not the equivalent of how many favors you can do. You are a full person who deserves respect and kindness. 
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  • SP29SP29 member
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    O.M.G! 

    First, I am sorry to hear about your miscarriage and your health. Your focus should be yourself first,  your daughter and husband second and then  MAYBE everything else.

    I don't know if this is normal for your mom, and I'm sorry to say, but she's treating you like dirt. Yeah, I'd be pissed.

    Unless you volunteered, on your own, not her asking for help, to do these favours and get addresses, you shouldn't be doing any of this. These are jobs for your mom and her future husband. 

    Yeah I'd be pissed about the dress. It's. a. dress. You found one already. Why do you need ANOTHER one? 

    Changing her mind so many times about the WP is really immature. If she wanted her older sister in the party she should have asked her from the get go. No that doesn't mean she has to ask younger sister- yeah I get this could cause drama, but your mom is an adult and needs to own her decision one way or another, not change her mind 10 times. I'd be pissed about that too. 

    Yikes... I don't know what else to say, except be mad for you OP. But please realize your feelings are entirely valid and they are yours. Don't push yourself and your health aside to make excuses for your mom. I don't care if your are expected to survive with no lasting complications- you are not well (right now) and YOU should be the priority in the family, not mom's wedding. 
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  • TheArtemisMoonTheArtemisMoon member
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    I don't think you're overracting at all. I'd be upset too. If it were me, I'd feel like that was her way of saying you and your health are not good enough to be in my wedding but behind the scenes is fine. Is she even close with her sister? It doesn't sound like it given that you said she has had zero part in planning up to this point. Maybe you and your step sister should set your mom down and give her a reality check. Also see how her fiance feels about the decisions your mother has made. If he feels the same way you do, then maybe he will help you bring up your concerns.
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
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    edited June 2015

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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
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    Knottie8942929 said:
    I don't think you're overracting at all. I'd be upset too. If it were me, I'd feel like that was her way of saying you and your health are not good enough to be in my wedding but behind the scenes is fine. Is she even close with her sister? It doesn't sound like it given that you said she has had zero part in planning up to this point. Maybe you and your step sister should set your mom down and give her a reality check. Also see how her fiance feels about the decisions your mother has made. If he feels the same way you do, then maybe he will help you bring up your concerns.
    Why would she need her FI to interject between her and her own mother? 

    I still think it's a waste of time for OP to confront her mother (a person this selfish doesn't respond well to an intervention), but if OP does decide to do it, she needs to do it herself.
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