OT - But important - MY SISTER'S WEDDING

evalynn68 · January 2012

Hello all -

My sister's wedding is on Saturday in NYC.... my FI, daughter and I were planning on going. My daughter is 16 and at a VERY tough high school - where she gets her as* kicked daily. Seriously - she is brilliant and in the "middle" there. It is a gifted, magnet, by acceptance only governor's Science & Tech school. It is the number one high school academically in the country. Alll this child does is study.

It is mid-term week, today - Tuesday. She has been studying for 4 weeks - and knows everything cold. As a sophmore she has 4 AP classes and 3 Honors classes. Her AP MACRO teacher emailed everyone (it is an online class) on Tuesday giving them the practice test & study guide. Over half of it is information NOT in the textbook or in the lectures. Shayna begin freaking out. She took the practice test and didn't know 40 % of it because it was not covered. She has been cramming online since.

Since Tuesday she has not slept and been struggling - and then struggling about leaving town this weekend bc she has to take this on Monday. She can't afford to lose 48 hours.

At 5 am she woke me up after a sleepless night and throwing up 2x of nervousness becaue of her deadline of the final - the wedding. She asked if she could stay home - NOT GO - and if I could be mad.

Now - she is 16 - she is NOT a child. She is a straight A student, 2290 on SAT as a freshman - planning on a IVY LEAGUE education - and she has a B going into AP MACRO and if she gets an A on the final she will get an A in the course. She doesn't want a B.

I told her it was her decision - and I would respect it; although I think she should go to the wedding. She said she would think about it some more and texted me at 8 am from school saying she can't make the trip.

I called my mother and emailed my sister TELLING THEM THE TRUTH. Now - I am thining it would have been easier to lie the day of. Even my sister said "if she was sick the day of - I would understand - but not because of this". My mom screamed at me for 20 minutes non stop. My sister gave me three choice via email:

1. I force Shayna to come

2. I pay $250 for her seat - (NYC wedding)

3. Jon and I don't attend

I am in shock. I am NOT forcing my daughter to go because she would say "forget this" and go to her father's house for the weekend. she is a GREAT kid - does NOTHING wrong - all she does is ACADEMICS and she is VERY DRIVEN. But she is so driven that she does anything she needs to, to survive.

I know this is 48 hours before my sister's wedding. She is NOT close with Shayna. She has seen Shayna maybe 6 times in Shayna's LIFE. Shayna never gets a birthday card - or anything from her. She has never visited Shayna - come to any events etc.

I have been in tears all day.

I am NOT going to do choice 1.

I am TOTALLY AGAINST choice 2. First of all - ettique shows that asking for the money is worse.

And I am heartbroken over number 3.

Oh - I should say that my sister has more money than anyone I know and anyone in the family. She is a first time - 40 year old bride. Her FI is a lawyer. She is a lawyer. She has four houses.... got the idea. $250 is a penny to her. I am a teacher - at teacher's salary - supporting my daughter. AND I never asked for anything from my mother.

My sister and I are NOT close. My mother and I are NOT close. My mother ADORES my sister, who can do no wrong. I was the one who sat on the bench all my life. I have been working hard on reaching out to them - trying - but they are in their own world.

What do I do?

And how do I address this with family?

I don't want anyone to think I was rude and didn't show up.

Advice - thoughts!!!

Eva

FaithCaitlin · January 2012

Eva, I don't want to side with your sister on this but 48 hours before your sisters' wedding is not a great time to tell your (already stressed) sister that she will be losing $250 because Shayna isn't coming because of school.

I was in the same situation as her for all 3 of my cousins' weddings yet still went. Not happily, of course, but I went and everything was fine. (Still graduated with a 4.0, passed all my APs, and got into a few elite schools plus UF-- not bragging just being honest).

Regardless of Shayna's relationship with your sister, I think she should attend or you should pay the $250 to your sister-- even though her requring that of you is ridiculous but if it would "smooth things over" and keep her from complaining, I'd do it.

I don't want to sound snarky about this but I just feel that you kinda pulled a fast one on your sister and while she doesn't need to be behaving this immaturely I think she has a right to be upset.

I have no advice as this is a personal decision but I'd probably make Shayna go. Maybe I'll be a mean mom, lol.

I wish I had something helpful and consoling to say and again, I'm so sorry you're all in this situation.

Best of luck to Shayna on her midterms-- she sounds very bright- I'm sure she'll do great!!

Keep us updated.

evalynn68 · January 2012

I asked - because I respect your decision.

I can't require Shayna to go ----- one day ----- when you are a mother of a 16 year old GIRL - you will understand.

I did tell my sister and mother, that I do NOT agree with Shayna's decision; however, if I force her to go, I know she will simply go to her father's house (1/2 mile away) for the weekend to study!

Again - I will say I do NOT agree with her decision.

However, she is a young adult and she has to learn how to deal with these things.

She is 16..... a tough age no matter what.

I agree - springing it on my sister at the last minutes - which I APOLOGIZED FOR NUMEROUS TIMES - is not something I enjoyed - and I even said I totally DISAGREED with Shayna; however, if I forced her to go - she wouldn't and it would be a stress on a mother-daughter relationship.

However, giving me option 3 - not going - is tearing me up inside.

Even if I am not close with my sister either. I wanted to be there for her day.

I have been a mess.

Eva

FaithCaitlin · January 2012

Eva, I'm so sorry you're in this mess!

It sounds like your mom and sister are really not being understanding at all. It's so unfortunate that your sister is being so difficult!

What would happen if you just showed up and didn't pay the $250 (very ridiculous of your sister to "demand" this).

Sending hugs your way!

evalynn68 · January 2012

Honestly, at this point - I don't think my mother would speak to me, which would kill me and I am AFRAID bring me to tears which I do NOT want to do on my sister's wedding day.

As for my sister, I have no idea.

I wish this wedding was a on a weekend that Shayna's father had her - ----- and then she would have never went in the first place. I know that is awful -

I did NOT want to cause stress to my sister at all.......

Either that or I wish I didn't feel compelled to be honest with her (basically I wish I could lie about it)

Eva

JudeG20 · January 2012

Eva,

I have to agree with PP. I also was like Shayna. I had AP classes as a sophomore and stressed about doing great in school. I have to tell you that I think Shayna needs the break and should attend your sisters wedding. Sometime studying too hard can overwhelm the person. I too got really sick right before my AP exams and even passed out during one of them (World History). If it wasn't for my mom forcing me to go out to eat pizza and relax the day before my English AP exam I am sure the same thing would have happen. Shayna can attend your sisters wedding and still study when she has some down time in New York.

JudeG20 · January 2012

I also think you should explain the issue to Shanya and how all this is hurting you. Maybe then she will understand and probably go with you.

PhiSigFly · January 2012

I totally understand what you're saying about not wanting to force your daughter. Maybe when I'm a parent of a teenager, I will feel differently, but... What about teaching her the lesson of commitment? She commited to an event, money has been spent because of the commitment that she made, and she has to honor that commitment.

You say she'll go to her dad's house. Is he in NY? If so, then why is that a problem? She can go to his house and study, and then go to the wedding for a few hours. She needs to eat dinner eventually, so why not go to the wedding for 2-3 hours, eat, take a break, and then have her dad pick her up to go back home and study some more.

If her dad is NOT in NY, then you could do the same thing in a hotel room. She doesn't need to be there all day. She did, however, make a commitment and she should honor it, in my opinion.

munecca · January 2012

Evalynn, This is a very hard decision indeed, and my advice is DO NOT make Shayna go. Are you really wanting to go to try and keep what little relationship you may have with your mother and sister alive?? (thats how I read the pp)
Sounds like you have a great relationship with your daughter and THAT matters more than a half relationship you have had with them. Yes, there is a committment for her to go to the wedding, and teaching committments are impt. What about that committment to her education?
Sounds like your mother and sister havent been there for your daughter, have they?? If it were because your daughter just doesnt wanna go or something a bit different than her education, I may be incline to say yes, I would make her go.. BUT come on.. its her education and she has a plan of a higher education- Cant fight with that!!
Yes, its 48 hours before the wedding, yes its last minute. But S**T happens and life will go on... If it were me, my daughter would stay home, I wouldnt go (as bad as I may want to go, I wouldnt go). I mean they havent been there for me or my daughter now, what makes me think they will be there for me/daughter if all of us go to the wedding????
I guess you can say I took it to the extreme, but hey... I live on the wild side... Kelly

munecca · January 2012

Evalynn you also have a PM... Kelly

deelopi9 · January 2012

I was a lot like your daughter and to be completely honest, she is not going to enjoy being at the wedding and will be completely stressed out. It's not worth the hassle. There are always going to be parties and events she will have to go to and it's her decision. If your sister has no intention of involving herself in your daughters life she is not going to miss her there. If they were close it would be another story and I would make her go.

Even if your sister is mad at you - you still need to go to support your sister and mother in this very beautiful moment. You would regret not going.

evalynn68 · January 2012

Follow up -

First of all thank you for your advice. I truly respect BOTH sides.

Shayna's father lives 1/2 mile from my house in N.VA - we have joint custody - 2 weeeks on - 2 weeks off - but she can come and go b/c of her age at her descretion. She is typically with me. He has a 31 year old wife .... who is pregnant - and her father rarely pays any attention to her (he is 45 - but that is another story). He had an affair with her - causing our breakup. Hence, Shayna doesn't think a lot about her.

When Shayna got home from school (5:15 pm) I sat down with her - spoke to her - and told her that I supported her - but had a long talk about "fallout" of her decision. Not to make her feel guilty - but for her to understand. She totally understood.

I decided I would go to the wedding, as she is my sister.

I emailed her saying that I was excited to celebrate this Simcha with her and Lawrence.

I did this because I didn't want to have regrets later.

After all - she is my sister -

3 phone calls later - from my mother..... all saying.......

"You are not welcomed any longer - please don't come."

It is now out of my hands.

Honestly - I have NO relationship with my mother and sister; they are both crazy. (as you can see). I left home for college and never went back.

They made this decision - I can't do anything now.

deelopi9 · January 2012

People say things they don't mean when they are stressed or upset. You obviously love your sister and mother. I would go, even if it's only for the ceremony, out of respect. It's still a celebration of love and even though they might not show it, your still important. If not, they would not have been so passionate about you and your daughter not going.

mrsmustard12 · January 2012

Option 4: You and your husband attend and let your amazing daughter study!!!
Just because they aren't close with her doesn't mean they have to be unsupportive of her absolutely incredible future. When it comes down to it, they will have many other things to worry about on the day of. If it were me, I would avoid the topic until the day of and then let it blow over. Even though they said not to come at the heat of the moment, your sister would probably still be upset if you weren't there on Saturday. Hope it works out for you!!

evalynn68 · January 2012

i was only given three options.......

I didn't respond right away - let the day pass - to cool down.

I emailed my sister and said, "Jon and I are looking forward to being at your wedding to celebrate in your Simcha. Unfortunately, Shayna will not be attending."

I got an email back saying - you will only be let in if you have a check for $200.

Then I got THREE phone calls from my mother - THREE - all stating DO NOT COME - YOU ARE NOT WELCOMED HERE. IF YOU SHOW UP YOU WILL BE ASKED TO LEAVE. I was working and didn't pick up the phone.

Then I got a phone call - again NOT picked up - from Michelle's FI. He said the same thing.

I am not going to just show up for the ceremony.

It is a four hour dirve.

I do NOT want to upset her on her wedding day.

We have NOT had a relationship - EVER.

My mother barely speaks to me.

My mother and father over 38 years ago had a nasty divorce.

I was put in the middle and "forced" to take the stand at age 7 to tell the judge who I wanted to live with. I couldn't say anything but cry. I still remember that day.

My mother hated my father because it turned out he was "gay" and never told her.

I am NOT to blame - but my mother ALWAYS blamed me because I still loved my father. My sister NEVER, EVER spoke to my father again after she was 8 years old. (2 years after divorce)

I am not going to go into how telling your children WHY your parents are getting a divorce is so wrong.

Anyway - to this day - my mother starts almost every conversation with "You know I hated your father and you remind me of him because you look like him."

Needless to say DYSFUNCTIONAL.

It took me over 10 years of therapy to realize it isn't me.

Anyway - I am over this.

Good news - I won't hear from my mother for a few years so I won't get verbally abused. Which when she starts I just typically put the phone down, walk away, come back and ask her if she is done.

It is a miracle that I still pick up the phone when she calls.

However, she is my mother.

BTW - my father passed away when I was 25 ....... he was young 55...... died of cancer.... .and my mother's response when I told her was "do you think I really care?"

Oh well. Life goes on.

Onto happier things!

We have weddings coming up!

www.mywedding.com/jonathanandeva

FaithCaitlin · January 2012

Oh Eva, I'm so sorry to hear this!! Like you said, it is out of your hands and this was their choice. Not your fault. I hope Shayna does well!

plswitze · January 2012

I am so sorry you have to go through all of this. Honestly you are an inspiration to me for your incredible, positive attitude. Have a staycation wknd with your FI and enjoy each other's company while your daughter studies her little butt off (congrats to her btw, for her willpower and drive, thats amazing in itself). You won't be missing much in NY, and most likely your Mom and Sister will be constantly reminded of their horribly irrational attitudes everytime they look at those 3 empty chairs.

Onward to planning your own beautiful day!!!

Best of luck Eva!

RaquelS · January 2012

My advice would be to let Shayna stay home. I have a super bright 9 year old daughter, and I am always telling her about the importance of school. I feel that you may be saying something different to her, if you were to make her go to NY instead. You say Shayna is very intelligent and she sounds like she has her priorities straight here. I also feel she is making a very mature decision. There are so many other 16 year old girls who would've much rather jump on a plane and go to NY, but your daughter didn't. Soooo...I'm gonna vote for allowing her to stay and either you and Jon staying home, or you paying the $250 for Shayna if you plan on attending and would like to keep the peace between you and sis.

Best of luck to you!

RaquelS · January 2012

Oh Eva, I just read your updates..should've scrolled before I posted my previous post.

I'm sorry your sister and mother are acting that way. Too be honest, I have plenty of advice when it comes to kids, but I don't have much in the way of parents or siblings. All I can say is that I hope your okay, whether you have a good relationship with them or not I know it hurt for them to say those things to you and for that I am truly sorry.

BUT..as you said you have a wedding on the way, so we're just gonna stand up brush that dirt off our shoulders and be strong..there is much work to do.

P.S. Hope Shayna does great!!

evalynn68 · January 2012

Last update on this topic.....

It is Saturday - the day of my sister's wedding which we (me and my FI) were TOLD not to attend.

Poetic Justice (sorry - I truly do believe in what you do comes back to you) is that the weather is bad in NYC/Jersey City.... which just brings a small smile to my face because you know that some people won't show - I guess the roads are pretty bad...... I don't mean to "hate" on her parade; however, if my mother - sister were HUMAN about my daughter, a 16 year old who was requesting to study more ...... and felt paniced about the test.

Shayna - has been studying NON STOP since Friday getting off the bus, until lumch break. I think she slept 5 hours last night. She raised her score by 20 points already on a second practice test. She is taking a quick lunch break now and is going back to the books.

For those of you who questioned/wondered about my daughter ----- she is a perfectionist. She has a ridiculous course load. At her school, she is a minority. Most are boys - and Asian. All textbooks are college or graduate school level. Teachers DEMAND an incredible amount. She works/studies about 8 hours a day ontop of her school hours - and this is to maintain being "in the middle" of her class. She has a 4.6 average and currently is 348/485. She has been told numerous times in a class that she is brining down the class average - and she had a 94 - 96%. It is the socratic method - beyond demanding - however, she has HUGE plans in life and LOVES it. I personally, think she is crazy; however, I was all about "social life" and she is "all about being a Rhodes Scholar" one day.

As a sophmore, she is taking 8 classes at school (3 APs) and 1 class online after hours - AP MACRO..... As a freshman she took 2 AP classes at school and 1 online after hours, AP Psych. She is already planning an IVY league education with multiple graduate degrees and is going back and forth between a Neuroscience Research to find a cure for Alzheimer's, being the speech writer for the president, an Ambassador for another country OR Beginning another organization similiar to Peace Corps but for high school and college students, so they begin to understand the idea of "real life" and "hard work."

She has taken the SAT in 8th and 9th and has almost perfect scores.

She was homeschooled from K - 8th grade af first because the school ssytem told her father and I, who were both teachers in the system, they had nothing to offer her..... even in Kindergarten. In 7th grade she requested to apply for admission to this public - gifted - magnet - by acceptance only governor's school.

She doesn't goof off and works hard.

BUT she does play hard also - however, her "play" doesn't look like any fun to me. She enjoys reading - discussing philosophy with her friends, program computers for fun, working in a lab.......

At home - we call her AMY FARRAH FOWLER ...... as well as SHELDON; however, she is BEAUTIFUL and CLASSY and a competitve travel soccer play and a "currently retired" competitive fencer (she put it on the side because she didn't have the time to train with soccer and her high school demands; but is planning on going back in college.

I am not saying this to "brag" at all - but to explain - that when she requests more time - and puts forth this kind of "request" - she TRULY needs it. She doesn't lie, cheat, mess around with boys/ date...... she is 110% focused. G-d love her...... this child isn't me - but I support her 110 % because of her self driven work ethic.

Many people question is this is "forced"..... please understand I am a "social" person and it took me YEARS to get her to enjoy shopping and the mall

. Now - the child can't stop buying shoes....

I am feelign great about everything - and I know I can stand up tall with my head focused on the future.

And my guess - and I am not joking here - is that there will be four less guests at my wedding - sad but true! my sister, her husband, my mother and her boyfriend. Oh well! I always have my adopted sister, who is my BF and MOH and my FI's mother who loves me immensly...... along with tremendous friends.

Thanks again,

Eva

evalynn68 · January 2012

My daughter is taking the TEST right now. I am at Panera waiting for a text to pick her up. She studied about 30 hours between Sat, Sun and Mon. She had a tele-learning day so she put off other work...... She feels 110% ready. I know my mothers and sister is off their rockers. No worries I am standing with my head tall. Thanks for all the support Eva

OT - But important - MY SISTER'S WEDDING

Re: OT - But important - MY SISTER'S WEDDING

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