Honoring Deceased Father

Lcanpbell3 · February 2015

I've been planning my wedding, which will take place on June 13, since last year. My father was involved in some of the early stage planning, but passed away in October. Because it is so fresh, many of the suggestions that I am reading on how to honor a deceased parent (empty chair, for example) may be too painful for my mother or myself. I don't want him to go unacknowledged, though, as his absence does leave a huge hole in my heart and those of all of our family members. I know that I want to attach his photo to my bouquet, but that doesn't seem like enough. Does anyone have any ideas?

Cookie Pusher · February 2015

There are a lot of subtle ways you can acknowledge your father without making it too sombre. I had a small bouquet (no note or sign) placed on the mantle of our venue for my dad and one for DH's mother (neither were in our wedding colors so if anyone was paying close attention, they might have picked up on it). You could have a line in your program about those who could not be there with you. If you are having a religious service, your father can be mentioned if there will be prayers. Did he have a favorite song or singer/band? You could play his favorite song during the reception. You could serve one of his favorite foods.

mikenberger · February 2015

Lcanpbell3 said:

I've been planning my wedding, which will take place on June 13, since last year. My father was involved in some of the early stage planning, but passed away in October. Because it is so fresh, many of the suggestions that I am reading on how to honor a deceased parent (empty chair, for example) may be too painful for my mother or myself. I don't want him to go unacknowledged, though, as his absence does leave a huge hole in my heart and those of all of our family members. I know that I want to attach his photo to my bouquet, but that doesn't seem like enough. Does anyone have any ideas?

Agree with keeping things subtle with your father's absence. My sympathies though, I cannot imagine how you feel

But maybe serving his favorite food or his favorite color? Or a flower of his favorite color? I would keep the obviousness of it as minimal as possible. EG: Everybody is going to notice an empty chair. Not everybody is going to notice a flower of his favorite color.

This is your day to be happy and I'm sure that your Dad would want you to be happy.

Jen4948 · February 2015

I'm very sorry for your loss.

I agree with PPs: keep it subtle. The more obvious you are about it, the more likely you are to invoke loss, grief, and pain.

You might wear or carry something your father owned or is associated with him, provide food, drinks, decorations, or entertainment he would have enjoyed, or give him a tribute in a program if you will have programs.

southernbelle0915 · February 2015

First of all, I'm so so sorry to hear about your dad. I can't imagine how hard that must be.

I agree with you that the empty chair and other overt memorials are inappropriate and garish for your wedding.

I would walk down the aisle to his favorite song, add a pair of his cuff links or something else that belonged to him to your bouquet. Maybe use fabric from one of his ties or something to wrap the stems of your bouquet. Serve his favorite food at your reception, or serve his favorite cake flavor.

Keep in mind that what you do to honor him on your wedding day should be for YOU. Not visible to other guests. What you're doing is between you and your dad, no one else. That said, I would take a minute between the ceremony and reception to be alone and remember your dad.

levioosa · February 2015

I am so sorry for your loss. Your instinct is right on; doing something too big will definitely bring up feelings of sorrow instead of joy at your wedding.

Something that I've seen on pinterest (don't hate me guys) is taking a piece of blue fabric from one of your Dad's shirts, and sewing it into a heart on the underlining of your dress. You could also wrap a locket around your bouquet with his picture in it, walk down the aisle to his favorite song, or use one of his favorite quotes/authors in a reading (if they apply).

Dreamergirl8812 · February 2015

I'm so sorry for your loss. That is absolutely horrible.

You could visit his grave before the wedding (the day before or earlier for logistical purposes). You could also make a donation to a charity that was dear to him (just don't publicize this or put cutesy signs or anything). Bonus points for skipping flowers or getting a cheaper dress to donate that money. Just don't announce it in any way.

Hugs!

katiekessler123 · February 2015

So very sorry to hear about your dad. My husband's father also passed away a few months before our wedding and it was very difficult for him. Best wishes in moving forward.

anemone137.defunct635825918192908843 · February 2015

I'm so sorry for your loss. Hugs to you and your family.
Something else you could do is "borrow" one of his shirts or jackets for the day. You could wear one of his button-downs while you're getting ready. And, I know you're having a June wedding, but you could wear his sport coat or tux jacket if it's a chilly day/evening instead of a wrap or shawl. Either way, it'd be another subtle way to keep him close to you. I always loved borrowing my dad's clothes.

hutchsl · February 2015

My husband and I are older. When we married both of our fathers had already passed away. My mom was too old to travel to our wedding. We love antiques and that was basically our theme - antique candlabra (99 yrs old and a wedding present to my grandparents), bought my dress at an antique show...So our reception was an antique picnic in the park (outside restaurant). To honor our parents we placed framed copies of their wedding pictures on the guestbook table as decoration with a plaque identifting them and their wedding dates. DH and I are one year apart but his parents are 20 yrs older than him and mine are 36-38 yrs older. Was interesting seeing the different wedding styles from 1947 and 1960.

atlastmrsg · February 2015

Photo in a locket on your bouquet? You know it's there but it doesn't make a hurtful spectacle of it like an empty chair.

I had a vase of white roses next to my guest book. The number of roses in it was the same as the number of family members "missing" who we wish had lived to see our wedding. No announcement made though or note in program--didn't want it to be a spectacle.

kc10816 · February 2015

I plan on having a piece of fabric from one of my dad's shirts sewn under the bottom of my dress, its something you will know is there and can keep it to yourself or show to others.

julieanne912 · February 2015

I'm sorry for your loss. I lost my dad 15 years ago (actually 15 years and 4 days to the date of my wedding this coming September). I plan on having a hat rack up at the front of the ceremony area (off to the side) with his hat hanging on it. He wore that hat everywhere. We'll move the rack into the reception area afterwards. I haven't decided if I'll make a note about the significance of it in the program or anything like that. It's mainly there for me.

thisismynickname2 · February 2015

I have a difference of opinion that something should be only for you because it could be too painful for others. My perspective comes from being raised Catholic. Every mass and full wedding masses have the prayers of the faithful. It seems totally normal to me to include in the list of prayers, "For those who cannot be with us today, namely [Bride's father], let us pray."

I definitely agree that things like empty chairs and whatnot are off-putting, but praying for those who have passed seems totally normal to me.

So, if you have religious elements to your wedding... that's an idea.

Plus, for the record, in the only other non-religious wedding memorial mention I've witnessed (the couple lit a candle), no one did, nor would one ever, actually go around opening wounds over the deceased. It's not like, "Hey, that candle they lit? What name was that in honor of? What, the bride's best friend died in a car accident? I had no idea." I believe people have a little more class than that. But, that's just me, and I know my opinion is in the minority so take it with a grain of salt. Everyone handles grief in their own way. I am sorry for your loss.

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