To the people who advise "It's your special day, and you should do want you want", why?

Liatris2010 · February 2015

I'm just curious. Thanks for playing!

hellosweetie1015 · February 2015

It's not our day. The shendig isn't for me, or for us. FI and I are fine with a courthouse wedding with random clerk witnesses. So the party is for everyone we're inviting to witness our ceremony. And I'll be damned if I throw a shitty party for them. I like those people.

Do I get my sundeck and swimming now?

flutteringinfl · February 2015

People say it because the wedding industry profits by sending the message that "it's YOUR day!" If it's YOUR day, then what do you care how much money you spend on useless things that could potentially lead to etiquette breaches? Why worry about money when it's YOUR day?!

Of course people won't admit to that being the reason, but I'm pretty sure that's what leads to the mentality. The wedding industry is a strong force. Even I have found myself thinking, "If I don't spend money on X, Y, or Z, will I regret it? Will it make my wedding less special?"

I'm not one to believe conspiracy theories or that industries and corporations are evil, but in this case, it's as Ann as the nose on plain's face to me.

Dreamergirl8812 · February 2015

A lot of Speshul Snowflakes come on here saying that they've been a BM or MOH and had to shell out all the big bucks or were required to attend 6 different pre-wedding parties. So they must have been sitting there at that horrible bridal shower or over the top bachelorette party thinking "Just wait til it's my turn."

levioosa · February 2015

Dreamergirl8812 said:

A lot of Speshul Snowflakes come on here saying that they've been a BM or MOH and had to shell out all the big bucks or were required to attend 6 different pre-wedding parties. So they must have been sitting there at that horrible bridal shower or over the top bachelorette party thinking "Just wait til it's my turn."

That is literally the exact opposite reaction of how I felt after being treated terribly in a bridal party or being poorly hosted. My thought was, "holy fuck this is ridiculous. How can I AVOID this shit when I get married?"

annathy03 · February 2015

Dreamergirl8812 said:

A lot of Speshul Snowflakes come on here saying that they've been a BM or MOH and had to shell out all the big bucks or were required to attend 6 different pre-wedding parties. So they must have been sitting there at that horrible bridal shower or over the top bachelorette party thinking "Just wait til it's my turn."

I think this is a big chunk of it. Some people believe there are "duties" beyond showing up sober in the dress, and those same people tend to overextend themselves as BMs thinking weddings are tit for tat. The only extra "duty" I can think of is that I did expect my sister/MOH to hold my bouquet during a chunk of the ceremony.

The wedding industry certainly doesn't help. Bachelorettes, showers, matching accessories and shit cost money yo, and they want as much of it as you and your friends can dish out.

MandyMost · February 2015

I chose other, because my response would be that:

That advice is whack! How perfect can your wedding vision really be if you're treating people like crap? Shouldn't your vision of a perfect day be a day where all your loved ones are happy and comfortable?

antoto · February 2015

levioosa said:

Dreamergirl8812 said:

A lot of Speshul Snowflakes come on here saying that they've been a BM or MOH and had to shell out all the big bucks or were required to attend 6 different pre-wedding parties. So they must have been sitting there at that horrible bridal shower or over the top bachelorette party thinking "Just wait til it's my turn."

That is literally the exact opposite reaction of how I felt after being treated terribly in a bridal party or being poorly hosted. My thought was, "holy fuck this is ridiculous. How can I AVOID this shit when I get married?"

Yeah! I also was a bit like "MAN I'm going to show these idiots how it should be done!"

MGP · February 2015

It's also because some couples think that their wedding is:

1) a drop dead date for their guests to fundamentally change themselves to the core in regards to things like drinking habits, weight, hair color, or behavior. Because it's THEIR DAY and everyone needs to look and act perfect, even tough they themselves are full of flaws (including being self centered assholes).

And/or

2) a "proving ground" of sorts to see how much BS their guests will put up with to show how much they love them. Because it's THEIR DAY and that makes it acceptable for them to be manipulative and condescending, and demand people spend exorbitant amounts of money on destination parties or dresses they will never wear again, or do grunt work like gluing invitations together or cooking and cleaning at the reception. Or be subjected to demeaning treatment like not inviting a SO "because the relationship isn't serious enough" or standing around for hours during a five hour gap.

And then these people have the gall to say "well if they have a problem with it they don't have to come. It will show me who my real friends are and save me money on catering". What a disgusting attitude to have. This shit has to stop. Seriously.

[Deleted User] · February 2015

"It's your special day, you should do what you want."

I can't stay this quote is ALWAYS bad advice; I think it depends on the situation. It's wrong to throw out this line when it comes to things like guest comfort, proper etiquette or general selfish behavior; however, there are times when you do have to "do what you want" because it's best for you.

When it comes to wedding, everyone will give you advice. There are plenty of brides on these boards that are being pressured into everything from their wedding dress to the type of flowers by their mothers, bridal party or in-laws. I think there is a time and a place to say, "Hey, this is MY wedding and I'll do what I want." This is usually an appropriate comment when people are trying to make decisions for you or pressuring you.

[Deleted User] · February 2015

Dreamergirl8812 said:

A lot of Speshul Snowflakes come on here saying that they've been a BM or MOH and had to shell out all the big bucks or were required to attend 6 different pre-wedding parties. So they must have been sitting there at that horrible bridal shower or over the top bachelorette party thinking "Just wait til it's my turn."

This is what was shared with me after I told a bride how shitty she was to me as a friend by treating me and the bridal party like a bunch of props. "But weddings are tit-for-tat! I spent so much money on everyone's wedding and I just want what is owed to me!"

I really think this is the number one reason why these forums get so many questions about "but, but, but they are SUPPOSED TO DO THIS!"

Junebug2015 · February 2015

So... it is YOUR day (plural you). But it's your day within the confines of proper hosting. If you really want to have lime green, red, and Comic Sans font everywhere, that is fully within your rights to plan your special day. It's a disgusting theme/look, but you get to pick that sort of stuff because you are planning the party. Same goes for chalkboard signs with cutesy rhymes, or wearing cowboy boots,or having a destination wedding, or choosing to get married in a church. When I say "it's your day" that's the stuff I'm talking about.

It doesn't mean you get to skimp on food, make people pay for drinks, or force people to pay attention to a three hour mandatory slideshow on your "story." You can choose how to execute the ceremony and reception, but you don't get to choose what etiquette rules you do or don't follow.

mollyringwald15 · February 2015

I've heard this from a few friends who I think were just trying to be supportive, but the worst is my Mom. I can't count how many times my jaw has dropped when my mom has told me to break etiquette. She will not drop the cash bar suggestion... where did I come from?

Knottie87702627 · February 2015

I was a BM in my best friends wedding, when she asked I said "Absolutely, as long as you don't make me wear a strapless dress". She laughed and said she would never make me wear something that made me uncomfortable and that strapless was inappropriate for her little sister anyway (another BM). GUESS WHAT WE WORE??? Yup the ugliest strapless dresses I have ever seen. I was so uncomfortable all night, pulling it up, trying to keep my boobs inside the dress. It was awful, and it was bloody expensive. Now that it's my turn to walk down the aisle, I have let my BMs and MOH choose their own dresses, we discussed colours, came to a decision that worked for all the girls. Then we went shopping, sometimes together, sometimes alone. Each girl has the opportunity to pick a dress they love and at a price they can afford. My, long winded, point is that this isn't about me. If this was MY day or OUR day I would do it alone, just us. The reception is a party and we are the hosts. We want to throw a great party, where our guests are well fed and comfortable. We want our guests to enjoy themselves. As I plan I ask myself, If I don't have X, Y or Z will my enjoyment or the enjoyment or comfort of my guests be affected? If the answer is no, I cross it off the list and save myself some cash.

Dreamergirl8812 · February 2015

msbride2015 said:

"It's your special day, you should do what you want."

I can't stay this quote is ALWAYS bad advice; I think it depends on the situation. It's wrong to throw out this line when it comes to things like guest comfort, proper etiquette or general selfish behavior; however, there are times when you do have to "do what you want" because it's best for you.

When it comes to wedding, everyone will give you advice. There are plenty of brides on these boards that are being pressured into everything from their wedding dress to the type of flowers by their mothers, bridal party or in-laws. I think there is a time and a place to say, "Hey, this is MY wedding and I'll do what I want." This is usually an appropriate comment when people are trying to make decisions for you or pressuring you.

I see what you're saying, but "stand up to your FMIL," "don't take cousin toxic-pants dress shopping with you," or "time to draw some boundaries with your mother" are much more appropriate, constructive and helpful than "It's YOUR day!!!"

photokitty · February 2015

The only people I ever say "it's your special day do whatever you want" to, is a close friend who had already committed to a terrible desicion that they can't undo...so I guess I'm saying the moms or best friends can always tell them the hard truths. TK is often the first stop, before it's to late. I believe in helping people not make as ass of themselves.

hellohkb · February 2015

Well, treating people well and making sure no one is inconvenienced IS my vision. I wouldn't say "do whatever you want!" for the same reason @photokitty suggested: I would never advise someone making an ass out of themselves!

WinstonsGirl · February 2015

I think so many people have seen wrong things done so often (cos it's common in their circle like gaps and cash bar are here) that they just assume it's what it normal/how things are done. I had no idea gaps were rude until I came here and heard the reasoning. Every wedding I have been to starts about 2, has cocktail hour at 5 and dinner at 6. We would head out to a restaurant/bar in the 3 hours in-between cos that's what we've always done. I didn't know any better until TK cos that was what I grew up with. Thanks ladies.

slothiegal · February 2015

msbride2015 said:

"It's your special day, you should do what you want."

I can't stay this quote is ALWAYS bad advice; I think it depends on the situation. It's wrong to throw out this line when it comes to things like guest comfort, proper etiquette or general selfish behavior; however, there are times when you do have to "do what you want" because it's best for you.

When it comes to wedding, everyone will give you advice. There are plenty of brides on these boards that are being pressured into everything from their wedding dress to the type of flowers by their mothers, bridal party or in-laws. I think there is a time and a place to say, "Hey, this is MY wedding and I'll do what I want." This is usually an appropriate comment when people are trying to make decisions for you or pressuring you.

--------

Here's my determining factor: if the decision I'm going to make ONLY affects me, then yeah, I can do whatever I want. My hair. My dress. My vow

Once I start affecting others with my choices, though, it doesn't matter if it's my wedding, my birthday, my inauguration; if I'm going to be hosting people (ESPECIALLY those I love), I'm going to take THEM into account with what I chose.

ETA boxes

larrygaga · February 2015

It depends on what you are applying that advice to. Flower colors? Who cares let the couple do what they want. Pay for your own dinner? NO

loveislouder · February 2015

You know, I've heard this before and I agree with it to a point. Its your day - you pick the dates, the colours, who you want to invite (for the most part), what you want to serve your guests, and where to have it.

That being said, it doesn't give you the right to treat your guests poorly.

PrettyGirlLost · February 2015

1st of all, it's My Most Beautiful, Perfect, Special Day®

And

redoryx · February 2015

#2 just kills me, because how often does someone come here saying "My mom/BFF thinks this is a tacky idea but I really want to do it" and then get upset when we agree with their Mom/BFF.

JUST CAN'T WIN.

[Deleted User] · February 2015

zitiqueen · February 2015

LOL at "moms or best friends will tell them the hard truths"!

fwtx5815 · February 2015

zitiqueen said:
LOL at "moms or best friends will tell them the hard truths"!

Happens about as often as unicorn and Santa sightings

To the people who advise "It's your special day, and you should do want you want", why?

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