Self-Harm Advice

WinstonsGirl · February 2015

This will be post and run as I have to go coach soon.

I received an e-mail yesterday from a parent of one of my students/athletes. She told her Mom she has been cutting in class and Mom is frantic. Her parents went through a brutally nasty divorce last year (may still be in the middle of it) and this girl is quite self conscious. I get the impression that Dad's house is all fun and games/no rules on weekends and Mom is the actual parent with rules and homework during the week, so at age 12, you know where she prefers. She does well on my team and has been on it for 3 years now. She is in touch with an outside agency through the school (counsellor, social worker, I'm not really sure, but talks to her weekly about life as we had already identified her as high risk).

Anyway, I'm not equipped to deal with this. Principal was cc'd, so Monday we can talk more, but I will be seeing this parent today and I know she wants input. I know as a school we can't do much for this kid ourselves, but we can get her referrals to mental health professionals. I'm not surprised to hear this about this kid, knowing her background, but as teachers, we know a bit about mental health issues, but we're not actually trained (at least here) on what to do or how to help other than to refer to the properly trained professionals.

Anyway, any suggestions on what to say to Mom today?? I know she won't want to hear "wait till Monday and we can get referrals into the right people" or something similar, but I'm not sure there's much more I can tell her today.

[Deleted User] · February 2015

*I am not at all a mental health professional. I am speaking strictly from my own experience and what I was taught being certified in mental health first aid*

First and foremost, anyone who speaks to this girl needs to be open-minded to what she has to say. While it may seem productive to tell her that this is no way to deal with her problems, to her, this is a very real method of coping, and likely the only one she knows. It is important to help her find healther coping mechanisms, but all effort to do so could be thwarted if she feels as though she is being judged and no one tries to understand where she is coming from. Listen to her concerns and allow her validation for her feelings. Whatever problems she feels she has in her life, no matter how seemingly-trivial, are very real to her. Never minimize the cutting or the emotions that lead to it. Lend a supportive ear, free of judgement.

Next, start a dialogue about why she cuts - again, free from any judgement. Start the conversation from a place of authenticity. What is t that drives her to cut, any specific triggers? What does she feel when she is cutting? How does she feel afterwards? Understanding this may help those in her life aid her in finding healthier alternatives for coping.

Something else important to note is that self-harm does not unilaterally equal suicide idealization. Sometimes the two are linked, but often, self-harm is a completlety separate entity. Don't just assume that she wants to end her life because she is self-harming. Talk to her. Ask her.

It is important to understand that this will be a process. It is not as simple as telling her "stop cutting". The best way to help her in this progress is to never let her forget that she has a support system surrounding her that will never judge her. Feeling safe and free to be open with her thoughts and feelings can make all the difference.

ETA: I think it is worth recognizing that she felt close enough to mom to tell her about the cutting. That is a positive sign, as it could be her way of asking for help or at very least saying she wants to talk to someone about it.

Also: Here is a resource that I have referenced before in my job at the university and have found it to be helpful in starting the conversation:

How to Help Someone Who Self-Harms (CLICKY)

JCbride2015 · February 2015

I don't have time right now for a long reply but your student sounds a lot like me at that age. It's a way of controlling emotions and coping, not always (or for some people ever) suicide ideation. Everything Jen said is super spot on. Don't minimize her feelings and listen with an open mind.

I would tell the mom you are aware, you will speak with the daughter on it, and you are actively working on getting her to the appropriate professional people. Make it clear to the daughter that she can talk to you whenever. She might just need an outlet to discuss her feelings.

Blergbot · February 2015

I cut myself in 7th grade. The thing that really snapped me out of it was simple talk therapy. I just needed a place to vent my frustrations, instead of taking it out on myself. Same goes for two friends of mine. Once they had someone to talk to, the self-harm stopped. So you might refer the parents/mom to some good counseling services in the area. That's really all you can and should be doing.

FiancB · February 2015

Jen is super right. I don't want to say it's a big deal, but it SORT OF isn't. Cutting isn't the same as trying to kill yourself by cutting your wrists. It's a coping mechanism, not the healthiest one and she needs to learn better ones and to resolve the issues that make her want to do it, and hopefully she can put a stop to it before feeling really dependent on it, but it's not a mega-emergency. I know it's not what mom wants to hear but referrals are kind of all you can really do. I agree that it's a really good sign that she told her mom.

JaniV123 · February 2015

JCbride2015 said:
I don't have time right now for a long reply but your student sounds a lot like me at that age. It's a way of controlling emotions and coping, not always (or for some people ever) suicide ideation. Everything Jen said is super spot on. Don't minimize her feelings and listen with an open mind.

I would tell the mom you are aware, you will speak with the daughter on it, and you are actively working on getting her to the appropriate professional people. Make it clear to the daughter that she can talk to you whenever. She might just need an outlet to discuss her feelings.

This, as someone who also self harmed, support is very important, as well as being there for her, listen and respecting her. You can advice her but not put her on the spot about it. As for talking to the mother, I have no idea. Tell her to be there for her daughter and to not put more pressure on her. Also tell her the plan, referral, etc, and tell her to just make herself approachable to her daughter as genuinely as possible.

WinstonsGirl · March 2015

Thanks ladies. I do know all most of what you all mentioned above already, and I'm not surprised she is cutting with all she's been going through over the past 1-2 years. Her Mom actually didn't approach me today, which I was expecting so we didn't talk. I feel I might have more knowledge about this than her Mom does.

Monday will be better as my Principal will have more knowledge about referrals we have available through the school. I'll also make sure her counsellor through the school knows so they can talk next time she's in. I'm also signed up for the Mental Health first aid class in April. We've got a pretty good relationship, but I'm pretty sure Mom has no idea what to do with her.

jennyleigh16 · March 2015

I was this kid. I was an unhappy 16 year old who cut through high school and the first few years afterwards. I don't have any suggestions to deal with mom (though I know the time has passed) but a few general comments about working with the girl.

I hid it for a long time and then told a friend, and then my school guidance counsellor. The counsellor sorta trapped me in this "if you don't come see me once I week I assume you're hurting yourself and I have to call your parents" thing. I didn't want to keep seeing him, but I wasn't really given the choice.

Giving people ultimatums doesn't make them change their behaviour. It just makes them better at hiding it. "Stop cutting or else..." doesn't do a damn thing.

As PPs have pointed out, it's not a suicide attempt.

What helped me was a teacher at my school. I opened up to him and he let me come to him when I wanted to talk. He didn't push me to talk, just made himself available, and when we did talk he was very factual about it. Not "oh my god why would you do that to yourself?!?" But more "well what lead you to make that choice?"

It's a really good sign that she admitted it to her mother. It definitely sounds like a call for help.

If you're going to talk to her about it, I'd suggest one on one. If you approach it with another adult/ specialist/ principal, she'll likely feel cornered. Beyond looking into other services available to help, I'd really strongly suggest just being that adult she trusts outside of the family situation that she can talk to without judgement.

debbeau · March 2015

I had a student recently that we suspected was cutting herself. Do you have a school social worker or psychologist? We are lucky to have a full time social worker to go to who knows the right way to approach the girl and figure out what she needs.

WinstonsGirl · March 2015

We don't have any counsellors on staff. She talks to me on a occasion, but we have already hooked her up with an outside agency. There is a person who pops in once a week to talk to several of our kids. She seems happy to see her each week, so she does have someone.

I swear our junior high is imploding this year like I've never seen before in all my years of teaching. We have several cutters, that we know of and another was just admitted to the emergency clinic for a 1 week assessment. She's suicidal and bulimic, though you would never tell from an outsiders POV. It just seems that this year our numbers of kids with mental health related issues has quadrupled from every other year I've taught. We're doing what we can, but honestly, schools here are ill equipped to deal with this.

FiancB · March 2015

WinstonsGirl said:
We don't have any counsellors on staff. She talks to me on a occasion, but we have already hooked her up with an outside agency. There is a person who pops in once a week to talk to several of our kids. She seems happy to see her each week, so she does have someone.

I swear our junior high is imploding this year like I've never seen before in all my years of teaching. We have several cutters, that we know of and another was just admitted to the emergency clinic for a 1 week assessment. She's suicidal and bulimic, though you would never tell from an outsiders POV. It just seems that this year our numbers of kids with mental health related issues has quadrupled from every other year I've taught. We're doing what we can, but honestly, schools here are ill equipped to deal with this.

This is how it's been for H as well.

At the high school he last taught at, there was a girl that would cut all the time. She would do it at her desk at school. She had a para with her. Solution? "Just let her do it" :0 Um infection control anyone? She'd dig her nails into her arm if nothing else was available, or go outside and bleed in the snow, and picked off scabs everywhere. Honestly, she belonged in a group home or something but the parents weren't willing to do that, even though it was really obvious school at this point was basically a waste of time.

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